The Comfort Zone

Pouring a comforting cocktail at around 6pm on Memorial Day, I was half way through my first drink when it dawned on me that I’d never even bothered to pull the voddy out of the freezer.  (Memorial Day – oh, the irony!)

Dear God, what was wrong with me?

I’m finding that having lost my Best Friend Pretty, many things have changed and none of them really make sense…

My friend and Life Coach Ellen helped me to understand what she learned from the passing of her Dad, in that certain behaviors become your “new normal”.  You eventually learn to wake up in the morning (or for me, for now, the afternoon), and take in the profound moments of loss.  Sleep may be elusive; or it may wipe you out at any given moment; but the waves of grief are prone to hit you with little or no warning whatsoever.

This much, I’ve learned! 
  
And completely stymied by the Sandman, I tossed and turned for hours in my bed until 5 AM, trying to figure out just what I needed to do to help Pretty and myself begin to move on…

Now I know logically, that my pea-brain is most likely f***ing with my head, as physical encounters are ever so improbable and I’m just manifesting the Presence of Pretty after all our years together (i.e. seeing her all around the apartment, hearing her breathing by my side and of course walking on the bed in my sleep); but logic or not, something was definitely gnawing at my gut to physically BRING HER HOME.

“Yes, you did sign the card to retrieve Pretty’s ashes” helpful Jessica responded on the phone after pulling out our file at the Pet Hospital. “You can call this number” Jessica added, as to the Crematory and my next step toward retrieving my beloved companion.  And dialing the facility, I couldn’t help but start crying again…

“How can I help you?” the comforting voice of Linda wanted to know as I began to blather nonsensically between heaving sobs and indelicate acts of nostril clearing.  “Let me just get your paperwork, Penny” she added soothingly – although how Linda ever managed to understand my name with all of my blubbering, I’ll never know!

“Yes dear, I see that we are scheduled to pick up Pretty today” she added calmly.  (Well, hell’s bells, no WONDER Pretty was skulking around our bat-cave – she’d been stuck in the kitty morgue all weekend!) 

“Our services provide for her arrival to us, and she will be back to the Pet Hospital by the end of the week for you to bring her home.  She’ll be lovingly placed in our complimentary cube, which is decorated with 100% silk fabric; or if you prefer, you can go online to our website and pick out a more personalized urn” Linda continued maternally.  “Give me a call back if you need anything else dear, and I’m so sorry for your loss” she added quietly, her kindness and sincerity sending me into yet another fit of bawling on the couch…

“Really?” the Essence of Pretty stared me down as she crouched on my living room coffin table.  “We’re talking about my final resting place here” she pouted, not particularly thrilled with the idea of being stuffed into a “cube”; silk-covered or otherwise.  “Get your ass on-line nowwww!”

“You’re right, of course” I sighed.  “Let’s at the very least have a look at the cube” I suggested wearily, logging onto the website.

“Dear GOD, that thing is wrapped in blue paisley!” the Essence of Pretty howled.  “You are NOT keeping my ashes in a BLUE PAISLEY CUBE!” she demanded (quite rightfully, I must add!) “And stuck in a canister with a sticker on top that says “In Loving Memory”; I mean really, a canister with a STICKER, not even my NAME?” Miss Pretty wanted to know. 

“NEVER!!!” I “pinky-swore” to my kitty.  “OK, well, there are a lot of classic urns…” I said out loud, clicking on various pictures for close-ups to see if they might be more appealing to my heroic sidekick.

“Do I look Greek to you?” the Essence of Pretty raised a sarcastic eyebrow.

“Sorry.  Um, there’s this high-end one where your cremains look like they’re in a book, and you could be placed on one of my bookshelves?” I offered weakly, immediately realizing that she had absolutely NO intention of spending eternity in my dusty library.

“Here are a couple of different ones with birds flying!” I mentioned somewhat cheerily.  “You always loved looking at the birdies out the window!” I added, to which despite having only four toes per paw (and declawed before I rescued her), I think she actually gave me ‘the finger’.

Picky, picky, picky!

“Classic black marble?” I submitted as a possibility.

“Brrr…  Too cold.”

“OOH!  Egyptian Pyramid!” I teased tantalizingly, attempting to appeal to Pretty’s innate feline vanity and poised ability to glance over her ‘shoulder’ at me like I was a mere servant!

“Looks like a dunce cap” the Essence of Pretty disapproved.  “Just think about me:   It’ll come to you…” she purred in my heart and my pea-brain, procuring a small spot on the bed for a quiet posthumous kitty nap.

>>><<< 

“Hi, is this Linda?” I asked coherently before the next flood of tears shot me back down to a blubbering idiot as I finalized my Best Friend’s resting place and engraved urn to bring her home.

“That’s a lovely choice” Linda’s voice smiled over the phone (again, how the heck did she understand me?).  “It’s a special order, but they’re generally very fast, and you should have Pretty back by the end of next week” Linda added most comfortingly.

>>><<< 

With my second hardest task of the last six days tended to with careful thought and all my heart, I ambitiously set myself forward to perform a few more challenges…

I successfully postponed my Jury Duty until July 2, as frankly, I wouldn’t want ME to be sobbing uncontrollably as a Juror whilst trying to decide someone’s guilt or innocence when I’m still doing stupid things like announcing to my deceased feline companion that I’m going to take a shower.

And although I know I have at least a handful of friends who feel helpless in my period of grief and who would happily do me a favor or give me a ride somewhere, I challenged myself to drive to the bank one mile away.

I’d already paid my rent; but I had money from the Unemployment Department that I wanted to transfer into my checking account; I’d withdrawn a bit of money from my Credit Union to make certain that I could cover all of Pretty’s expenses; and having sobbed all over my pillow for the last few days, I’d thrown a load of sheets into the washer before I left the house.

“Anything else I can help you with?” the bank teller asked politely.

“Just a roll of quarters, please” I sighed, looking very much forward to spending one whole dollar in our apartment complex dryer so as to put down my weary head on a nice clean pillow.

>>><<< 

Hmm…

Perhaps the Universe was helping me to get a wee bit back on track with my life?!

And hopping into Cecilia (my Toyota), I dared to smile knowing that even if I needed to grieve for another few weeks or so, or should I need to order in food, or even simply bury my head in a pillow and choose to be left alone, I had taken care of business.

It was a good day!

I’d accomplished a lot!

I was proud of myself!

And plugging in the key to Cecilia’s ignition, I attempted to turn over her engine.

Nothing…

“Are you kidding me?” I prompted, trying again and again and again as Cecilia sat quietly without a blink, a ping or so even much as a click.

AW, C’MON!!!

>>><<< 

Suffice it to say, I’ve blissfully NOT suffered through the tragedy of losing both my Best Friend and my car in the same week.

Cecilia got herself a brand new battery, very reasonably priced and courtesy of AAA.  (Thanks Dad, for keeping me covered with the AAA card!!!)

And in hindsight, I suppose I lucked out that Cecilia chose to heave her battery’s last breath in a public parking lot where there was plenty of room to revive her!

Muddling through, as best as I can do, and really enjoying a soft clean pillow,

~P

P.S.  I promise to post Pretty's urn when she is officially back home!  :)