Just What Kind of Tom Foolery is THIS?

Awake at 2:30 in the morning for no apparent reason whatsoever, (extremely inconsistent with my current pattern of sleeping almost PRECISELY until 2 PM) I toddled into the kitchen for a fresh bottle of water from my Brita filtration system.

And staring blankly into my refrigerator, I couldn’t quite make any sense of the apparition before my eyes, despite the fact that I knew that I had personally manifested the plethora of food-stuffs staring me in the face.

While I’d love to blame some sort of alcoholic-induced trance as to the manifestation of supplies that I’d procured, I had to accept the realization that I had actually ordered FOOD that was GOOD for me.

“Hello strawberry yogurt!  Hi organic baby carrots!  Lovely to see you, four pack of tapioca pudding!” (that I haven’t had in YEARS!).  “And look at YOU, Calcium Enriched yet Pulp-Free orange juice!” I beamed; ever so delighted to be greeted with such heart-healthy choices in my fridge.  “Oh, and don’t think that I don’t see you, spectacular jar of Welch’s grape jelly!  Your peanut butter partner is right on the counter!” I added pleasantly before closing the refrigerator door and nodding towards my jar of Jif (extra crunchy – not my best choice – that’s a lot of chewing), 10-pack of small boxed cereals and single container of THREE servings of pistachio nuts!

Now, if you’re sitting here reading this post and find yourself baffled by the magnitude that I’m placing on this moment, please know that there are a few things in this world that I am extremely uncomfortable with…

1.    Spiders.  I don’t see a need for all of those legs, nor their uncanny desire to enter the inner sanctum of my home and randomly scare the crap out of me while clinging to a wall, scurrying across a floor or dangling manically from an invisible web on the ceiling.

2.    Freeways.  If people want to amp themselves up on caffeine, yak on their phones, apply makeup, send text messages and weave around the streets at 70 mph, well then good luck with that, but I’m not going to be a party to the mayhem.

3.    Grocery Stores.  (Stupid, I know…)  But they are GIGANTIC; and filled with aisle after aisle of unprepared food which I don’t know how to make, nor do I understand what ingredients I would even BEGIN to require to even ATTEMPT to make a meal solely for myself.  I’m not a family of four, nor do I need a gazillion servings of one thing that I’m only going to eat once.

And like a gift from the Universe, there zoomed by me on my last excursion out of the house last week, a truck I’d seen so many times before, but couldn’t necessarily comprehend its magnitude at the time.

“YUMMY.COM. Here Comes the Grocery Store!” the truck whizzed past; promising the delivery of food in approximately under thirty minutes.

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I may look into buying stock options…

Admiring a brick of sharp cheddar,

~Insomniac P