Luddites, Unite!

“Luddite: one of a group of early 19th century English workmen destroying laborsaving machinery as a protest; broadly:  one who is opposed to esp. technological change.”  ~Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition.

Yes, yes, yes, I can hear you all grumbling and kerfuffling at the utter hypocrisy of even thinking of publishing a post such as this on a blog (trust me, the irony is not lost), and I can already hear the harrumphs about “why doesn’t she pick up a quill pen and a well of ink, scribble her annoyance on hundred year old parchment paper and attach it to a carrier pigeon?”  (Trust me, I’ve been humiliated by the best, i.e. one particular stand-in at CBS who had the misfortune of listening to me attempt to send a text message on my faithful old Captain Kirk-esque flip phone, and who took a moment away from playing his game of “Angry Birds” to ask me if I was typing in Morse code…)

But out and about with my friend Gus on Wednesday (and not in my pajamas at Mickey D’s drive-thru!), we enjoyed an afternoon of pizza on Melrose, some shoe shopping a few doors down (he was looking for some new Pumas), and at my angst-ridden request, a stop at the local Best Buy (luckily, Gus loves gadgets).

I wasn’t entirely sure that I was ready to lose one more thing dear to my heart (stupid as it may sound), but I’d had my cell for over eleven years, and while it may be antiquated, it was still a trusty friend. 

Oh, how many chapters of my life did that little fighter and I experience together?!?!

But unfortunately, my little flip-phone seemed to be on its last leg…  Four times last month, it just sighed and turned itself off for no apparent reason, then would randomly turn itself on, with the ringer blocked as if it was simply done with connecting to the world. 

But with me going back to work Oct. 1st, I really couldn’t chance missing a call time, and God knows I was going to need at least a month to figure out a new technology!

(Quick side story to let you understand my mindset of the day:  I already had to reboot my TiVo twice that morning as it had failed to connect with its Mother Ship, wherein I sat like a protective hen on her egg waiting for my television to reconfigure and chirp itself out of its shell as it negotiated with my landline.  We achieved success in the end of course, but all in all, a bit nerve-racking when I’ve become accustomed to that background noise in the house in lieu of the meowing presence of my heroic feline sidekick, Pretty.)

Meanwhile, back to the new adventure…!

Whilst I’m never particularly at ease in large stores, I’ve come to trust Best Buy (enormous and intimidating as it may be to me), as last year I purchased a contract to have The Geek Squad at my disposal for twenty-four months.  Tech troubles at 9pm?  They’ve got my back!  (Or, um, my UPC?  CPU?  HTML?  ISBN?  It’s all Geek/Greek to me…) 

And wandering around stupidly looking at phones that baffle me, I relied on the help of my friend Gus and the knowledgeable BB Associate “Robert.” 

(Having experienced a swarm of people asking me to take their photos with a real live giraffe (I kid you NOT!) outside of the studio next to mine months ago, I discovered only far too quickly that I DO NOT possess the gentle touch necessitated by Smart Phones, nor am I capable of the eloquent tap, tap, tapping of easily pulling up menus of options.  Handfuls of audience members from the neighboring stage whined that I didn’t hit the right button on the screen or that their picture was blurry.  Are you freaking kidding me?  Just because I have a Studio Lot ID hanging around my neck, I’m supposed to know how to operate your camera phone that goes to a screen saver in like two seconds?  Hello, ask a friend!)

But I digress!!!

Back at Best Buy and understanding my tactile lack of ability, Gus and Robert took to task to help me upgrade my phone – nothing terribly challenging – but at least providing me with the minimum requirements that are most important to me.

Calls?  Check.  Texts?  Check.  Alarm clock?

Whaat???

Kind of befuddled by the question, young Robert disappeared into the hearty depths of the enormous conglomerate to search for information regarding my simple query.  “It’s probably so common these days that they don’t even mention it” Gus shrugged.

And returning a few minutes later, Robert informed us that he was 99.99% sure that I would have an alarm clock, even though it wasn’t mentioned anywhere on the website.

“Well then how about you open a box and look at the information manual and confirm it?” Gus asked straight out on my behalf as I plopped down wearily.  (My Hero!)

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As an excellent compromise to my technologically-challenged abilities, I selected a phone with a slide-out full QWERTY keyboard, and minimal touchy-screen-thingies.  And entering my info into the computer database to activate my new phone, Robert started chuckling.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, fanning myself like a Southern Belle suffering from the vapors.

“Your plan with the phone company doesn’t even exist anymore!”

Oh, for the love of God…

But $28.91 later, I walked out of BB with my shiny new appliance (the phone was free – but CA still makes you pay the tax), holding it out in my palm like an alien being:   “I’m one of them…  I’m one of them…  I’m one of them…” my pea-brain chanted, staring at the eerie glow emanating from my sweaty paw.

And dropped off around 4:30pm by Gus, I took a few moments in the bat-cave to stare at my new phone thingie. 

 

I had to admit, it was attractive.  It didn’t really cost me much money.  Plus, if I brought old Captain Kirk into BB with its charger (they had throngs of gizmos in a thick padded container, but none that fit my model anymore), they could transfer all of my saved numbers.

And pulling out the manual to the newly purchased gadget, I immediately scoffed at how to plug in the adapter and charge the battery.  Seriously, who couldn’t figure that out?  Pfft!  What am I, stupid???

Smash cut to three hours later:

Yes, kind readers, it took me EXACTLY THREE HOURS to figure out HOW TO ANSWER MY NEW CELL PHONE FROM MY HOME LANDLINE!!!  What’s with the ‘unlock’ doodad?  I read the manuals over and over, but nothing refers to the tappy, tappy, slide unlock module!!!  Plus (as I had forewarned Gus and Robert as to my inelegant abilities of effortlessly skimming around touch screens), I accidentally set one of my ringers to “Cat” which electronically meowed endlessly until my clumsy fingers stumbled upon a different menu.  (I suspect the prankster Ghost of my heroic feline sidekick Pretty may have meddled in that moment for her own amusement…) 

But for now, I’m still baffled.

At least my cell plan has miraculously stayed the same (albeit “non-existent”, but I’m apparently a loyal customer), which means I won’t be one of the “constant-face-staring-into-a-phone” multitudes who spend endless hours on the internet whilst walking blindly through intersections!

And hence – my post.

It’s only taken me 46 years to re-learn how to answer a phone call that my 95 year old grandma could have done by picking up the receiver from her rocking chair.

I’m just sayin’…

With love to all,

~ Dinosaur P-Rex