The Worst Diva!

“You’d think that after all this time, she’d have learned her lesson on how to behave on a television show” our Craft Services Guy whispered in my ear.  “You’d think she would’ve figured it out by now” he added, arms folded in disbelief at her outlandish behavior.

“Right?” I agreed, palms in the air at how to possibly begin to grasp at just what to do with our Star.  “I don’t even know where to begin” I whimpered as she walked on stage.  “But we’ll get through this together” I hugged him, having not faced the likes of HER in many, many years.

“Eric?” our Leading Lady called out as she took a seat at the table.  “What have you done?!” she bellowed.

“That’s my cue” Eric puttered on stage humbly.

“This is the most beautiful lunch that you’ve set out for everybody!  Thank you!” our Star smiled, giving him an affectionate hug.

And walking back to me, he stood flabbergasted (as we all are), whenever we find our mere mortal selves in her presence.

“She’s just…” he faltered.

“I know…” I added, shaking my head.

>>><<< 

Expecting to spend approximately a half an hour or so for Lighting in a multi-cam complicated set-up for a group of our Cast in a truck, I hung my designated sign around my neck alerting to the Crew who I was, and assumed my position at the driver’s wheel.

“Well, I can sit there, Penelope!” our Star announced using her personal nickname for me.  “Go have yourself some breakfast!” she prodded, gently shooing me away.

And catching one of my ADs’ faces, I looked helplessly for some sort of stage-appropriate response as to why our Star needn’t sit under the hot lights in full hair and make-up for 30 minutes before shooting. 

“Go on!  Git!” our Leading Lady smiled, taking me by the hand and physically helping me to step down from the elevated vehicle.

“Isn’t she unbelievable?” I sighed to the AD who never in his WILDEST dreams could imagine The Star Of The Show arriving not only first on the set; but who actually wanted to sit there with the rest of the Stand-Ins for Lighting.

“Isn’t she unbelievable?” I repeated to the stymied AD.

“She’s just…” he replied in a stupor.

“I know…” I nodded.

>>><<< 

As supremely idyllic a pilot as this could EVER possibly be, and savoring the experience like some sort of divinely rich cheesecake that miraculously never makes you gain weight, I found myself facing a most unusual lard-like obstacle; that being the occasionally amiable yet quick-to-blow (you-never-know!) volcanic temperament of our Director…

Now, I think… no, I KNOW that I am generally a Director’s dream!  I’m tuned into the nuances of my Actresses, studying them microscopically for gestures, inflections, camera angles, body positions, timing, blocking and even verbal deliveries of jokes.

I’m good at my job, damnit!

But suffering through some teeth-pulling, toothpicks-under-the-fingernails, slow-drip water-torture camera blocking, I was starting to feel like a trained monkey with a hundred and ninety-pound Organ Grinder riding on my back.

“Go to your first mark, Penny” our Director shouted; to which I scampered upon immediately obediently.  “No, NO, NO, your first mark ON CAMERA!” he huffed.  “I’m setting the opening shot for when she lands!”

“Copy that!  Sorry, sir!”

“And she crosses camera right…” he continued (as did I, as apparently instructed).  “Not YET Penny!” he hollered, as I scurried back to my mark.  “Wait for my CUE!” he shouted.

“Gotcha” I blanched with all due proper respect and humility.

“And then she exits…” he announced, as I stood quietly on my mark.  “And then she EXITS…” he repeated louder.  “GO Penny!” he roared.

“Going!” I whimpered; walking through the door and off stage as our Leading Lady had done.

“No, NO, NO!” he bellowed.  “I’m having her walk all the way through the Living Room set after her exit from here, and continue out the upstage FRONT DOOR!”

“My apologies” I nodded submissively, wondering how I could have possibly missed that note which appeared to reside solely in our Director’s head, yet not in the actual script.

“OK, let’s walk this next scene at HALF speed.  Are we CLEAR on that?!” our Director irritably informed me and my fellow Second Teamers as we all nodded in edgy compliance. 

“And Penny enters…” he spoke in a re-adjusted well-controlled voice.

And enter, I did.

“Penny walks up onto the patio speaking the dialogue for cameras and line cues as she makes a fluid circle while picking up clothing…” he continued in monotone.

And a circle, I made, as I talked.

“Dear GOD, you’re KILLING ME here with the SLOW TIMING, PENNY!!!” he suddenly erupted.  “Just FOREGO the PROPS already!  Just make the MOVES for the CAMERAS!!!”

“Thank you, sir!” I smiled with a feigned *whew!* that it was most likely ever-so, yes-indeed, all the PROPS that had screwed up the scene and the camera timing; as opposed to the HIGHLY UNLIKELY specific direction for me to move at HALF speed.

“Moving on your cue, sir!” I smiled directly into the jib camera lens with a small salute (secretly hoping that if I touched my forehead, I might be able to tap into my latent psychic abilities and for the first time ever, learn how to read someone’s fucking mind!!!)

>>><<< 

“He makes me so… flustered! I stressed-out to our Camera Coordinator who works with this particular Director rather regularly. 

“Well…” my co-worker attempted to interject.

“And I feel like I’m a complete moron who doesn’t know how to do the job!” I added as I continued to blather all over the poor fellow whose ear I had bent. 

“The thing is…” he tried again before I cut him off.

“Does The Director think I’m a total idiot?!” I worried, knowing full-well that reputation and work ethics in Show Business are everything.

“No, Pen” our Camera Coordinator finally got a word in edgewise.  “The Director is, um, shall we say ‘abrasive’, and he often comes off a bit too harsh; but he IS a good Director, and you do need a thick skin” he acquiesced. 

“Does that whole ‘thick skin thing’ happen anytime soon?” I wondered after only four days; “because quite frankly, all that YELLING nonsense is kind of having an adverse reaction going on for me here!!!”

“Yeah…” he sighed, quietly searching his mental archives.  “I’d say it took me at least three months to get used to him.  And even then, please know it’s never personal; he treats EVERYONE the same way; he just kind of has tunnel vision when it comes to WHAT HE WANTS…” my friend emphasized, taking off his reading glasses and rubbing his temples wearily.

>>><<< 

Still rather off my game (but glad to know that I wasn’t alone!), we proceeded to camera block the last of the remaining scenes on my final day.

“Well, when we shoot this with HER, she’ll do it naturally with more attitude, and FASTER” our Director informed the crew.  “But let’s try it again, if you could possibly do that for me Terry?” he bristled as he walked away.

“Or, you know, maybe ‘Penny’ could do that for you?” I suggested out loud.

(Did I ACTUALLY hear the entire crew GASP, or was it just me?)

Hey, I’m no Lady Gaga here, but a bully is a bully: and sometimes you simply have to stand up for yourself.

In what was most likely a nanosecond of a nanosecond of a nanosecond that no one else in the Universe experienced, I watched bravely (i.e. in a mild manner of profound terror) as the Director’s facial expression dramatically changed before meeting my (seriously, ready to pee in my pants…) defiant gaze.

“Sorry, Penny!” he patted my back apologetically.

And frankly, that was all that I required; one freakin’ ounce of respect!

>>><<< 

As my Angelic Actress was engaged in a few last minute touch-ups with hair and make-up, the Director decided to have me run the short scene in her place with the rest of the Cast.  And with only four lines of dialogue, I delivered them with as much passion as she had done, and hoped that I was as close to her comedic timing and accent as possible.

And whether I deserved it or not, my extraordinarily supportive Crew laughed!

>>><<< 

“Places, please” our AD summoned the Cast, as I scampered back appropriately into the shadows; only to hear a “Psst!” from the delightful guy that has attended to our Leading Lady’s famous red tresses in what seems like forever. 

“I just wanted to tell you that she was watching you on the monitor backstage.  And after all these years, she still thinks you’re an absolute HOOT when you impersonate her!” he laughed. 

“Of course she did…” I threw my hands in the air, resigned once again to accept the unbridled compassion, lack of ego and overwhelming kindness.

“Let’s hope for ANOTHER six years together!” he knuckle-bumped me before wandering back on stage.  “I’ll see you in August, I hope!” he whispered as he disappeared.

>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<< 

“What is she DOING?” a co-worker elbowed me as we lined up together for the Crew Feed in the Commissary before the Audience show.  “Doesn’t she know that she’s a cultural ICON?”

“There’s no rational way to explain it” I sighed.  “But yeah, she’s waiting her turn, fixing her own plate and will dine with whatever people have an open seat at their table.

“But…???”

“Yeah.”

“Shouldn’t she…?”

“You’d think!”

“Is she really…?”

“Yep.”

“Well then, she’s just…”

“Yeah, I know…  AMAZING.”

>>><<< 

I must say, I’m forever to this day astonished at the massive spectrum of behavior in this business; and in this case, how such polar opposite personalities can even BEGIN to possibly co-exist in the same atmosphere! 

And while I may never make sense of that part of the Universe, I can at least take heart in choosing to believe that for every obnoxious, abrasive, self-absorbed ass-wipe on the planet, there exists at least one (if not more!) sympathetic, gentle, self-aware and compassionate human being.

Hoping you find yourself exponentially surrounded by the latter of the two this week,

~Diva-When-She-Needs-To-Be-P