The Bestest Stupidest Week

Potentially blind in my left eye after a visit to the Lens Crafters in Beverly Hills and only a moderate menace on the road, I managed to steer Cecilia (my car) home safely to the joyful rejuvenation of an ocular saline bath which smeared all of the remaining make-up down my face like a forlorn clown.

My chin and forehead L’Oreal foundation had already been left behind on the machinery, and with my trial contact lenses in my skull, I’d been scanned, measured and deigned fit to operate a motor vehicle until my first two month supply of disposables arrived.

“Are they f***ing kidding me?” I blinked in the mirror as I squirted the saline, only to discover that the lens had popped out in its own suicide mission and landed acrobatically miraculously gracefully in the palm of my hand.  “Let’s try this again” I sighed, rinsing with all due sterility and plucking my eyeball open once more to make room for the Saran Wrap-esque plastic cup-o-vision.

Hunh…

It would appear (if you will) that I actually have excellent eyesight when one lens isn’t inside out!

>>><<< 

Prior to my semi-hiatus, I couldn’t help but pony up to my raven-haired Gorgeous Actress on my regular show, and ask out of blatant curiosity just what booties she had worn during rehearsals for two seasons that made her feeties resemble my kitty’s paws.

“Oh, these are UGG Cardys” she laughed.  “They’re so comfy, Pen!  And they come in ALL kinds of colors.  “Cardy” like cardigan” she smiled, walking me arm-in-arm down the stage as PAs scurried about to move her podium and personalized Director’s chair.

Hunh…

“UGGs?”

Ugh…

Personally, I’ve always associated UGG boots with vapid, anorexic blondes who shiver like teacup Chihuahuas when it is 80 degrees outside, and who wear mittens on stage and puffy coats with fur-lined hoods that make them look like the Michelin Man on a ski vacation. 

But who was I to judge a boot by association?

Camped out at my lousy old laptop waiting for it to finish its nightly meditation before allowing me access, I eventually found the desired UGG booties at Zappos.com who promised free shipping both ways.  It was a tempting purchase to be sure; but $140.00???  I’d have to be absolutely DAFT to shell out that kind of money, when clearly my most immediate expenditure (if any) should be a computer that at the very least has actual sound and a working optical D: Drive.  (The blind leading the blind?  Oh, the irony!)

Suffice it to say, as a fiscally savvy Capricorn, the boots were not an option.

Unfortunately however, this fiscally savvy Capricorn was on a semi-hiatus, and with a couple of alcoholic beverages in her system, she absolutely had to (ever-so vodka-logically) click to buy!

OK, OK, so it was a stupid, living-in-the-moment, reckless decision…  And accepting the package from my UPS driver a few days later, I was at ease in knowing that I could immediately send them back for a full refund.

Hunh…

And then I was all the more at ease wearing the WORLD’S COMFIEST BOOTIES!!!  They had heel support!  They had arch support!  And hand to heart with God as my witness, I shall NEVER again mentally mock another vapid, anorexic blonde for her choice of footwear!  (Seriously, that was my last time, because CLEARLY they are NOT that vapid!)

>>><<< 

Boinging up and down like a giddy kid on a Christmas Day pogo stick, I saw the flash of red hair and heard the familiar call of the only person on the planet who sings out my name with the voice of an Angel.  “There’s my Penny!” she smiled with open arms as I sifted my way through a crowd of people for a far-too-long overdue hug.  “You haven’t changed one little bit!” she smiled genuinely.

“Neither have you!” I squealed sincerely.

“Or maybe both of our eyesight’s failin’, but yeah, let’s stick with that!” she laughed good-naturedly.  (Again:  Oh, the irony!) 

>>><<< 

Now, having never worked with the ADs, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.  I’d only worked with the somewhat temperamental Director once before on another pilot, and I had absolutely no expectations that he would remember me (I don’t think he did).

But taking me under her wing, our Script Supervisor went out of her way to quietly introduce me to everyone.  And feeling somewhat comfortable (which is usually an awkward task to achieve on day one), I clutched my script and did the only two things I could:  observe, and, well, laugh!

Assuming my usual paradoxical boundary of being near enough but not too close to the stage, we began the first scene of rehearsal:  and as if six years apart never occurred, I couldn’t help but laugh out loud at my Actress’s delivery; only to witness the Director immediately whipping his head around and meeting my gaze.

Crap.

“Well, it was fun for a nanosecond” I thought, hoping I’d at least get paid for showing up before getting fired.

And then…

“Thank You!” the Director mouthed silently to me with a smile and a nod as the scene continued.

And just like that, I was back on my pogo stick!  Boing, boing, boing!

>>><<< 

Taking a five after rehearsing a few scenes out of order, a lady in dark sun glasses approached me.

“Are you by chance Emily?” she wanted to know.

“No, I’m Penny” I smiled, shaking her outstretched hand.  “I’m a stand-in”.

“Nice to meet you, Penny, I’m Lily.  Sorry to bother you dear” she smiled, taking off her sunglasses and patting my hand maternally.

“Lovely to meet you!” I (may or may not have loudly) shrieked as I suddenly recognized her from two of my all-time favorite 1980s films.  “I’m a huge fan!!!” I continued excitedly (my inner Ethel Mertz bubbling up most inappropriately).

“Oh, you’re very kind.  But thank you!” she nodded, walking off to wherever it is that Famous People go when they sense a looming ‘Ethel Mertzing’ about to occur.

>>><<< 

Camped out in front of my lousy old laptop once more, I eventually clicked on my email, only to discover that I had already been sent the shooting script of the pilot on a Thursday night.  WHAAAT???  The process was all so easy!  No last minute rewrites, no “pages to come”, just a complete script with maybe ten asterisks of small line changes.  And we weren’t even pre-shooting until Monday!

Life was good!

But clicking on the end of the script, my laptop chose once again to freeze up and disallow me access to shutting down the program.  (Shocking, I know.)

>>><<< 

Finding an unanticipated largish residual check in my mail box (!!!), I headed to the local Best Buy to replace my weary poot. 

“So what do you generally use your computer for?” the helpful gentleman wanted to know.

“Just email, work PDFs, photos and Word for writing my blog” I told him.  “And if at all possible, I’d like to be OUT THE DOOR with a laptop UNDER $400.00” I added with all due The-Customer-is-Always-Right (feigned) Assertiveness.

“Gotcha.  Here’s a very affordable HP that should meet your needs, and it’s on sale for $329.00.  It’s a tad bit slower than the higher-end models, but it’s excellent for pictures as it has the E2 VISION chip inside.”  (Again:  Oh, the irony!)  “But you’ll have to buy Word separately since it’s no longer included with Windows 7” he apologized.  (Aw, C’MON!)

>>><<< 

Cross-legged and wearing the World’s Comfiest Booties Whatever Lived, I followed all the instructions for essentially bringing my new laptop alive.  Yes!  Allow!  Run!  Continue!  Agreed!  Agreed!  Agreed!  “Holy crap, I’m like the Dr. Frankenstein of the I.T. Universe!” I beamed smugly to my kitty.

But placing the Word disc into the optical D: Drive, my new poot beeped and fretted all over itself; initializing multiple screens of red shields with big white X’s warning of potential harm.

Hunh…

Apparently The Universe frowns upon “smugness”.

“Will you allow me access to your computer?” Agent Jared H from the Best Buy Geek Squad Online Tech Support inquired as I quickly stuck a thick Post-it Note over the creepy standard web-cam on the new laptop.

“Have at it” I typed, poodling off for a cocktail.

“Do you have a Tech Support Account?” Agent Jared H typed as I returned.

(I KNEW life was too good to be TRUE!)

But supplying him with a debit card number to OWN The Geeks for the next two years, I sat amazed as he manipulated a gazillion different menus on the screen.

“Dude, you’re like ‘Sheldon’ from “The Big Bang Theory”” I humbly typed in awe.

“ :) ”, he replied.

>>><<< 

Living in continued gratitude for every stupid and wonderful event of the week, and wishing you all a positively stupid and wonderful day,

~UGGy P :)