Masters of the Universe

"I HAVE THE POWER!!!"

Notified by mail that I was subject to a judiciary telephone hearing regarding my Unemployment Benefits, I set my alarm clock for 7:30am on a Saturday morning; ever the earnestly prepared Capricorn, awaiting the scheduled impending call between 8 and 10am.  My paperwork was in place next to my landline; all relevant employer documentation was close at hand and I was ready to justify my claim; nay, my very existence and worthiness of maintaining the occasional hiatus week of receiving Government assistance despite the absurd reality that The Universe had graced me with my current ongoing television series.

“Are you actively seeking work, and who are you seeking work from?” the extremely professional lady inquired on the phone; the eerie click-clacking of red-tape computer typing filling the uncomfortable void of silence as I chose my words carefully.

“Yes, I’m always looking for employment.  And mostly I rely on calling ADs and Producers” I stammered stupidly wondering if I was making any sense.

“I see” she continued in monotone, nails flying busily on her keyboard.  “And are you, as indicated by your email, indeed self-employed?” she paused momentarily as I gulped a little air.

“Ya know, it’s funny…” I offered feebly, “but I just got a lesson in vocabulary this past week.”  (True story!)  “I thought I was self-employed since I have to book my own jobs, but since I’m actually PAID by outside payroll companies, I learned that I’m technically an ‘independent contractor’” I smiled brightly, pleased that my Set Dresser (who happens to be notorious for misinformation) had randomly properly schooled me three days prior (and for once knew what he was talking about!)

“OK then, let me just unfreeze your account, and you’ll be good to go” the Government lady clickity-clacked a few more times after only a few more embarrassing questions as to my various job titles, pay rates and willingness to sign a W-2 Form and accept “a regular job”.

WOW.

It was only 8:36am on the first day of my hiatus when I hung up the phone, and I was already feeling violated!

>>><<<

By Tuesday, my vacation groove had pretty much kicked in, and despite the ongoing opportunities to sleep well into the late afternoon I found myself rising early; relaxed, refreshed and invigorated no later than, um, well, noon-ish.

“Why are we up so early?” I pondered to my Zen Master Pretty, who merely stretched her four furry legs in feline defiance of the word “we”.  And squinting her eyes, sacrificially offering up her fuzzy chin and embracing a warm patch of sunshine beaming through the window; I realized that you have to pick your battles.

“When you’re right, you’re right” I acquiesced, nestling back into bed for a proper cat nap. 

Ohh, my hiatus was everything I could ever want it to be!

>>><<<

While it’s not as blaringly obnoxious as an alarm clock, for those of you unfamiliar with a hairball, nothing really bolts a pet “owner” out of bed faster than the guttural eruptions of your kitty attempting to expunge the contents of her stomach all over the duvet.

And with one fell swoop I managed to plop Miss Pretty on the floor, mark the territory to be sanitized, and checking the clock for five minutes after spraying the area before daubing up the remnants of her barfiness whilst she disappeared into the closet, I made peace with The Universe that some things would always be out of my control.

That is, until I checked my mailbox.

With the arrival of one lengthy-overtime, meal-penalty-laden check, I frowned at a miscalculation of the double-time pay…  A whole HALF HOUR was missing!

Surely this was simply a mistake made by my one of my ADs that could be easily remedied by a phone call or two!  And grabbing my cell, I dialed up the man who had officially signed off on my voucher who could certainly come to my rescue and financially rectify my situation!

“Huh.  Well that’s between you and the payroll company” he dismissed me unenthusiastically.  “You’ll have to call them personally” he added blandly.

WOW.

Note to self – should I eventually achieve status as a real live Super Hero for my fellow underdogs in the world, guess who’s NOT on my list as a potential future side-kick!!!

NEVERTHELESS!

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past few years, it’s that you’ve got to stand up for yourself.  You do what’s right, you find your voice and you don’t let anyone unjustly walk all over you.

And with the alarm clock set once again in order to discuss my payroll discrepancy in an orderly fashion, I requested to be patched over post-haste and forth-with to the Accounting Department.

“What is this regarding?”

“An under payment” I asserted myself, an authoritative hand on hip.

“Through what company exactly?” the Operator asked as I clearly and logically explained my situation.  “Oh, well then you’ll have to call the following number between 3pm and 5pm to speak with an official Pay Master.  Have a nice day.”

“Wait, wait, WHAT?” I clung to the phone.  “I gotta speak to a WHAT?” I inquired.

“A Pay Master” she reiterated sternly before hanging up abruptly.

WOW.

Who knew that there are Pay Masters of the Universe who only work two hours a day Pacific Standard Time, five days a week?!

>>><<<                                                             

“Hi, yes, I have an error on my check from February 2nd”, I informed the Almighty High Payroll Mistress of (below-the-line) Hollywood Accounting.

“That’s impossible,” I was reproached with a snort.  “Let me pull your voucher and put you on hold” she scoffed, disconnecting me and blasting my ears with creepy elevator muzac for the next ten minutes. 

“Pfft…  Who died and made her Xena the Warrior Princess?” I smirked to my Battle Cat.

“OK, let’s see what we have here…” the Pay Mistress sighed with annoyance, the reminiscent sounds of computer keyboard clacking once again ringing in my ears as she reached down from her High Horse.  (Trust me; I know the smell; I have a full stable of my own.)  “Call time at 8am… lunch from 2 to 3pm… out at… 9:42…  Well look at that…” she exhaled deeply in disbelief.  “Well you just go ahead and cash the check, and we’ll send you the difference.”

“Problem is” I interrupted, “I have money direct deposited into my credit union; so can I void this check, send it back and have it reissued so that all my taxes and deposits are in order?”

“Ugh…  Let me talk to my Supervisor…” she sighed again, reconnecting me to her ongoing auditory assault of muzac.

WOW.

I guess it’s hard to work two whole hours a day!!!  (And I’m STILL waiting on that check!)

>>><<<

Perhaps Super Heroes are over-rated.

Maybe no such thing really exists anymore outside of our childhood imaginations…

But opening my door on a chilly Sunday evening to go put my Unemployment Continued Claim Form into the outgoing mail, I nearly tripped over the box left on my stoop the day before.

OHHH!!!

And tearing open the contents, I embraced the joy within.

“Call me if you need any back-up!” I squealed, as a random squad of police cars happened to barrel down the boulevard towards someone in need of assistance.

>>><<<

Bolting the door shut for the time being in my Bat Cave, I swaddled myself in the BESTEST $30.00 EVER spent on-line:

YEP!  I got the "WONDER WOMAN" FLEECE COZY WRAP!!!
No, that's NOT me, and yes, I nearly broke my neck tripping over the damn thing...
(BUT IT'S STILL REALLY DORKY COOL!!!)

May YOU be someone’s hero this Valentines Day,

~Sentimental P