Bad Dog? No Biscuit?!?!

Head hung low, and tail between my legs like a puppy that had accidentally pooped on the new Persian area rug, I slinked onto the stage 45 minutes before my call time. 

I had two gift bags full of alcohol in my paws - an attempt at small bribes in efforts to regain my owner’s affections – and although I’d been metaphorically smacked on my nose with a rolled up newspaper for leaving work fifteen minutes early the prior week (spoiler alert, if you didn’t read my last post!), I was desperate for an affectionate pat on the head or anything that might make my tail wag happily once again on our sit-com.

“Mea Culpa” I whimpered to my ADs in their office before the Monday production meeting, placing the bags on their desks like slippers at their feet; my ears pinned back in fear awaiting the verbal assault of what a bad puppy I’d been followed by an expected lengthy reprimand for my “crappy” behavior.

“Are you kidding me Dawg?” my First AD laughed.  “Your phone apology was MORE than enough!  I hope you didn’t live with that guilt all weekend,” he hugged me warmly as I nodded stupidly.  “Forget it.  You’re like the best in show business, and these gifts were totally unnecessary…  But thank you!” he beamed as he dug into the individually wrapped items hungrily.  “OH!  I know what THIS is by the SHAPE!” he squealed in a high pitch that only my sensitive puppy ears could hear.  “That’s PATRON Tequila!  That’s my FAVORITE!” he giggled.

“I figured you guys could swap for whatever you each like better!” I offered, dancing on my tea-cup poodle hind legs (as it were).

“Now that’s MY favorite!” my other AD beamed, peeling the tissue paper off of the tiny bottle of Bacardi Rum.

Ahh… Success!!! 

I had effectively rolled over, showed my soft underbelly, and won back the hearts of those who control my collar and leash! 

>>><<<

Wrapping my paws around our visiting Director (one of the most laid-back, easy-going, yet speedy guys who doesn’t belabor the sit-com process), I wiped my wet (winter allergy) nose (on a tissue) in JOY!

“Hi ya Pen!” he embraced me like a long lost stray that had just been rescued from the pound.  “It’s great to see you again!”

So not surprisingly, with the pressure relieved as to whether or not I’d be allowed to continue to compete in the arena with the rest of the big dogs in Hollywood, I sighed happily that night as my feline sidekick and I curled up together; our collective tails tucked in, my job secure, my mind at peace.

>>><<<

*Ring*

“Hey Pen, so, uh, for tomorrow, you are HER all day.”

“WHAAAT?” I shook my head in disbelief, possibly slinging Great Dane slobber ala Marmaduke all around my living room.

“Yeah, she’s a bit under the weather, so you’ll be HER while she gets some rest before we do the pre-shoots later in the day.”

“And of course there will be a big fat bump of pay on my daily voucher?” I sat and spoke for the financial treat that rightfully ought to be mine.

“Well… I can ask…” my AD squirmed uncomfortably.  (Frankly, squirting me in the face with a hose and shouting “NO!!!” would have been more humane than pretending to find out if they might deign to pay me!)  “But how about I bring you in at 8am instead of 8:30 and give you some additional time to prepare?” he offered sacrificially, like a friendly hand for me to sniff and approve of before I allowed him to scratch my ears.

Hmmm…

“What scenes are we pre-shooting?” I wondered casually, grabbing a pencil and jotting down the info as he tossed nuggets of Intel in the air for me to jump up and catch in my teeth.

And mulling over the biggest possible bone of contention regarding time constraints, I licked my lips in anticipation before sitting down to speak once again.  “I’ll be there by 8am” I confirmed, gnawing on the joy that we had stunts and Stunt Doubles as well as Special FX and there was no way in HELL that we’d accomplish everything on time!

Cha-ching!

>>><<<

I’d performed the entire show with our cast in the morning, camera blocked nearly the whole episode with our technical departments, and as the evening pre-shoots began, I whimpered quietly, hoping that I’d done a decent enough job.  Sure a few adjustments might have to be made once our Leading Lady took the stage, but all in all, I was one (very tired) yet pretty-pleased pooch.

So when 8:30pm rolled around, I stuck a friendly wet nose into my AD’s ear, casually reminding him that at nine o’clock I’d be moving into double time pay even though we still had a two more scenes to shoot.

“Thank you.  I do appreciate you telling me that” he nodded sincerely, ever mindful of balancing my Actress’ needs versus the UPM’s budget.

>>><<<

To the best of my recollection, it was nearly 9pm when the crew began sporadically disappearing to Craft Services, returning to stage with the newest round of food to help keep us going.  And with my Gorgeous Actress still involved in a wardrobe change, I abandoned my script and scurried down from the audience seating eagerly, only to find three disappointing various bins of Pop-Eye’s Chicken (I don’t eat chicken), and one highly desirable pan of mouth-watering fluffy biscuits!

Grabbing a plate, I slit two biscuits open, slathered them with butter, and reaching for a jar of honey, I began the slow delicious drizzle of sweetness that would elevate my blood-sugar level as well as my attitude towards still being on my leash.

“Penny…!  PENNY…!  PEN-NAY…!” my AD beckoned me with a whistle.

“I’m coming!” I hollered back cheerfully, stifling my inner growl and snarl as I set my plate aside on the edge of a neighboring set.  “What’s up?” I inquired pleasantly, skidding on stage like a Chihuahua on freshly waxed linoleum.   

“We’re gonna rehearse this a few times on camera with you until She gets here” he informed me as I hustled to grab a random script nearby. 

And with Cameras, Booms, Lighting and our Director happy after only two reviews of the scene, my AD took center stage to make a small announcement:

“Ladies and gentleman, that’s our Penny!” he shouted as our forgiving crew applauded graciously.

“Can I eat my biscuits now?  Huh?  Huh?  Can I?  Can I?  Huh?  Huh?” I jumped up and down wiping some drool off my face and eyeballing the thin-waisted carb-free Audio ladies who were hovering uncomfortably close to my plate.

“Have at it” my AD grinned.

>>><<<

In the end, this lil pup came home with not only a base pay for the day, but four hours of OT, forty-two minutes of double time and two meal penalties to boot!

So not surprisingly, with the pressure relieved as to whether or not I’d be allowed to continue to compete in the arena with the rest of the big dogs in Hollywood, I sighed happily once again as my feline sidekick and I curled up together; our collective tails tucked in, my job secure, my mind at peace, and a few words of wisdom from our Audio department ringing in my ears…

“Ya know, if you put those biscuits in the microwave for like five seconds, they’ll be warm again!”

Drooling happily and embracing my first week of hiatus,

~Sleeping Dawg P