Do I Smell Cheddar?

Clad in a buttoned-up stark white coat, I walked amongst the human lab rats enthralled by their simplicity. Haphazard Christmas shoppers passed me unnoticed, purses unzipped, arms heavily loaded with holiday packages crying out to be swiped by any grifter who should happen to ‘accidentally’ bump into them – Oh, such easy targets!

But they were mere linear-thinkers, blind to my superior genius-ness and not surprisingly painfully oblivious to my master plan.

“Do you have any questions?” the blue-vested gentleman named Dave abruptly interrupted my scientific research.

“Why aren’t people smarter?” my enormous brain wondered judgmentally, clearly mounted atop one of my occasionally recurring High Horses (I have a whole stable for those of you new to my writing).

And reining in my chosen steed of the day “Einstein”, I struggled to grasp why anyone in their right mind would randomly wander through a store like a mouse in a maze in search of cheese, floundering handbag agape.

“Yes” I replied ever so smartly. “My parents would like to buy me an LED TV for Christmas.”

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Floundering handbag agape, talked into purchasing additional cables for optimization of picture clarity in High Definition as well as a power surge bar, “free” cleaning cloths and a two year warranty; an embarrassed Einstein and I spent another hour at home idiotically bungling our way as to how to properly install the base with the doohickey thingy (you know, the twirly stick with the four pointy tips*), a couple bags of screws, a paper manual, reading glasses and a flashlight…

But declaring my newly constructed television set an iconoclastic asymmetrical eclectic piece of artistic brilliance with its daring post-modern angular base pointing East in a radical yet freshly poetic reinterpretation of Zen in an age of technological waste versus wonder, I gave my High Horse Einstein a metaphorical High Five.

Hunh…

(Hey, did you know that TVs these days swivel?)

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“You’re Logitech wireless mouse batteries are critical” a less than threatening (to my genius-ness) warning bubble appeared on my computer screen, whilst I smugly emailed the above photo to my parents as a “Thank You” – categorical proof that my supremely empirical mind is as clever as ever (*although it didn’t happen to recall that the stick with the four pointy tips is called a Phillips Screwdriver.) (Thanks Dad!)

What I hadn’t anticipated however, was a complete lack of ability a couple days later to maneuver around the internet without a working external mouse…

Celebrating my 45th Birthday I looked forward to opening e-cards from family and friends, and ‘delicately’ sliding a finger across that intimidating silver panel on the laptop, I ended up accidentally shopping for Bounty paper towels.

(Innocent enough, but rather annoying.)

Making my way back to Yahoo, I glided towards an email from my niece, only to wind up having unintentionally double-tapped on an ad for Kotex and a free offer should I happen to be suffering from bladder leakage.

(EEK!)

By the time I skated involuntarily onto ads three and four – “Meet Singles in Inglewood Who are Looking for YOU” (creepy!), and a “Pre-Approved Medical Prescription for Penile Enhancement” (double creepy!) I was done.

Whistling for Einstein, my High Horse and I trotted to the store for a pack of AA batteries only to discover that despite our combined massive cerebrums and brand new pack of batteries, the stupid wireless mouse still didn’t work.

However, such opportunities are mere fodder for astute problem-solving minds…

As I’d disconnected the Mother Ship Doodad with the three prongs that was connected to the computer that somehow allows the wireless gizmo to function, I logically plugging that external thingamajig back in, rebooted, clicked on “connect”, re-ran the software twice and allowing the laptop to shut down and restart itself while I randomly clicked on every prompt to “run” or “allow program” I was once again confident in my genius-ness ability to master the bastard technology!

But two hours later I sighed in defeat, my High Horse having retreated humbly to the stables, myself resigned to spend an eternity (or a day until I could get to an electronics store) randomly landing unintentionally on uninvited internet roll-over banners…  

Yay.

Pills for Clinical Depression.

“Click here”

Pouring myself a Pity-Party of One cocktail, I poked disagreeably at the brain-dead Logitech mouse.

“Stupid contraption, stupid reset button, stupid battery container” I huffed as the back panel disengaged itself.

Hunh…

(Hey, did you know it apparently significantly matters which direction of the chamber you aim the + and – sides of the batteries?)

Forfeiting my Nobel Prize for now!

~P