With only one day of gainful
employment under my belt on a CBS show in approximately four months, I was
starting to wonder if I was losing my mind.
My previous sit-com was as good as
dead, as the cable Network people had become sick and tired of the production
costs, the cumbersome process of excessive nit-picky rewrites and the
reluctance to let go of decades-old approaches as to how to script a simple nineteen
and a half minute TV show.
Granted, the EP’s hearts were highly
vested as they struggled through their own personal hell-on-wheels psychodrama
as they portrayed their real lives on screen, battling each other politely with
well-rehearsed ‘therapy speak’:
“I hear what you are saying, and I
respect your opinion. Thank you for your
honesty. However, this system worked
very successfully for me when we did my other show back in the 1980’s”, my
Gorgeous Actress had explained calmly; completely oblivious to the fact that
all of our cable Network people WEREN’T EVEN BORN YET!!!
And thus I remained in my perpetual
state of unresolved conflict, like an abandoned child cast aside in a messy
Network divorce, left to my own coping devices...
The first month of unemployment
wasn’t so bad, as I positively reveled
in the lazy luxurious afternoons when I slept late; as well as the chilly,
occasionally drizzly mornings when I awoke early, tuned in to the local news
channel on TV, and proceeded to snuggle deeper into the comfort of my cozy warm
cocoon as commuters (who weren’t me!) battled their way through clogged traffic. (JOY!)
However, as days and days (and daze)
passed after my (GLORIOUS!) day-player
gig at Warner Bros studio back in February, I worried that my spirit might be waning...
As the majority of my friends and
colleagues are all gainfully employed in Tinsel Town, social phone calls seemed
to end abruptly (as they are wont to do in our superficial industry), and I couldn’t
quite shake the feeling that since I haven’t yet booked a series, I was not
only the red-headed step child flagrantly cast aside at a cousin’s wedding, but
I’d also been, well, simply forgotten... (Sob,
sniffle, sniffle...)
Hmm... Not buying it, are ya?
Yes, quite naturally, I easily adapted
to my ideological life of autonomy!
Free of mundane constraints, I found
myself rattling about my bat-cave at all hours of the night, finally able to
rehearse and perfect my spooky “wooooooo”
ghostly impersonation as I carried my recyclables past my neighbors’ apartment out
to the trash bin under the moonlight; I’d also negotiated a truce between
myself and “Mable” (the tiny spider under my far kitchen cabinet) as to her
restricted boundaries (“you can hang out there and try to look intimidating
little lady, but should you make any attempt to “scurry”, you’re a goner!”) ;
and I’d even managed to annoy the crap out of a telemarketer by actually
answering the land line and engaging him in conversation until HE hung up on ME! (Geez, I didn’t even get to creepily ask him
what he was wearing!!!)
All in all,
everything was right with the world!
>>><<<
“I drove past your street tonight on
my way home today, and wondered ‘how’s Penny doing?”’ my (real live!!!) Movie Star friend Tony G wanted to know.
“I’m mostly great!” I nodded to the
phone. “But I don’t have a job” I sulked
a little.
“You don’t know how NOT to work, do
you?” he delved compassionately. “Good
for you, kid. So let me ask; how’s the
home life?” he quizzed, putting me uneasily on the spot.
“Well, I sleep. And I have a healthy appetite, but I sleep A
LOT. I mean, seriously, HARD CORE like a
teenager” I confessed. “I can wake up
early with no problem, but then it’s like I’ve been drugged in the afternoon,
and the next thing you know, I’ve slept another six hours” I added, taking a
deep breath and owning up to whatever awful diagnosis or condemnation should be
sentenced upon my wildly erratic behavior. (Seriously, if I were a dinner entrée on a
restaurant menu, I’d be veal.)
“Well I don’t know how to break this
to you kiddo, but you’re an Actor.”
“I know that I really oughta...,
wait, WHAT?” I flustered in confusion.
“We’re performers Pen! And when we’re not allowed to perform, we
hibernate.” (Insert audible *gasp* as that’s exactly the word I’ve been using!) “Call it an Actor’s instinct if you will” he continued
sagely: a Hollywood veteran of the
silver screen for over forty years. “We
store up energy for when we GET to go to work. Plus, ya
can’t spend money you’re not making if you’re sleeping!”
Touché!
“Enjoy your rest, kiddo. You’ll appreciate it soon enough when you go
back to work. God knows I will, since I
just finished a film up in Big Bear and can’t WAIT to sleep for the next
forty-eight hours uninterrupted in my own bed!”
And hanging up the phone, I couldn’t
help but ponder the validity of Tony G’s unique perspective.
Sure, I’ve always considered myself
an Actor – well, at least after my first television appearance in front of a
live studio audience of 250 people – but as being a Stand-In has become my
basic bread and butter income, did I seriously deserve the recognition as a
true Professional in the eyes of my Movie Star friend???
>>><<<
Reporting to Paramount Studios a
week ago for a three-day gig to assist in standing-in for a monster of a
sit-com episode with pant-loads of Guest Stars and fifty-four (I think)
separate vignettes wherein I needed to cover at least three Actors in twenty-five
(I think) of the vignettes, I couldn’t have been more overwhelmed, nor more
freaking ELATED! Not only did I have a
job (albeit temporary), but there were at least a dozen people that I know and love
on the show!
“Here’s your paperwork and contract”
one of my beloved peeps handed me a hefty packet. “I know you work all the time Pen, so I’m sure you’ve filled out all of these
before for this cable Network” he smiled warmly as I sorted through a
monumental pile of legal forms. “It’s
just the standard background check” he chuckled comically.
“Sure” I chuckled back; “my blood
type and what-not with a cavity search, right?” I laughed light-heartedly. “Wait, WHAT???” I frowned, eyeballing the
documents.
Holy crap!
As it turns out, this particular
cable Network which is geared towards a younger viewing audience, does INDEED
perform a legitimate background check to ensure that for the safety of the
children, they are NOT employing sex offenders or pedophiles. (Um, EEK!)
And submitting all of my required information, I checked and initialed
the box, that should they choose to run a report on me, I could receive a copy
for my own records of whatever dirt they might find. (Well,
that should be oodles of fun if I ever work there again, as one of my best
friends is a Federal Agent for the Department of Justice and I’m probably
already red-flagged with a redacted file!)
But embracing the moment and seeking
out Craft Services to pop a sesame seed bagel into the toaster for breakfast, I
heard a familiar voice behind me – our Hero of the show, and the (waaaay back when) teen idol whose Tiger
Beat posters once papered my bedroom corkboard.
“Morning” he nodded at me, completely
oblivious to the fact that we’d worked together years ago as he stuffed his
bagel into the other half of the toaster beside mine.
“Good morning” I replied
professionally (as all due “Ethel
Mertzing” had long since passed).
“I’m Penny” I smiled as I shook his hand, gently reminding him of our
previous work history together.
“Wow. How long ago was THAT?” he rubbed his eyes
wearily, graciously indulging me in casual small talk until his bagel was
toasted and he could finally retreat back to the seclusion of his private dressing
room.
>>><<<
Being that a mid-week day was my
first baby step back into my comfort zone of a sit-com, I did my best to watch my
specific Actors like a hawk.
Granted, I was a tad rusty, and
hadn’t yet been bitch-slapped into proper submission like my last show – but
rather, given an ounce of freedom to actually enjoy the process, I unfortunately made a few mistakes...
1.
“OK, who’s laughing?”
the insecure portly ‘Pugsley Addams’ version of a child star demanded to know;
oblivious to the fact that being stared down by creepy dead-eyed ‘Wednesday
Addams’ twins with blond braided pigtails sent me rolling on the floor at the
dark humor. (Oh, they were BRILLIANT!)
2.
Banished to the Audience
seating during the Network run-thru like lower-class citizens who were not
allowed on stage to mingle amongst the Higher-Ups, I sat ever-so-dutifully
silent as admonished to the Second Team by the UPM (now, that’s a proper bitch-slap!), until once again, the spectacular duo
of ‘Wednesdays’ skipped care-free onto the set in their adorable matching yellow
eyelet embroidered dresses. And looking
up from my script, I witnessed the amazing transformation of all-around,
happy-go-lucky children take their places on set, and most excellently OWN the
stage as they lowered their heads, focused on a spot designated by the
Director, and transitioned into two of the most TERRIFYING zombie-esque undead
creatures – a fantastic occurrence
which not only made me belly laugh and snort out loud (even before the Director
called “Action”), but also earned me a serious head-whip glare from our Hero,
who eyeballed the Audience to see just who had prematurely guffawed. (As I said, the eerie children were
BRILLIANT!)
3.
Last but not least,
given to understand that the Executives would have a note session after the
run-thru before the Stand-Ins would be utilized for lighting, I excused myself
from the Second Team under the guise of popping out for a half of a ciggy – a
woeful falsehood, as I had actually disappeared into the ladies’ room down the
midway to negotiate the egress of my morning bagel... And returning back to the stage, not only was
a fellow Second Teamer waving me home like a baseball coach, but the DP had
already lit one of my scenes without me.
CRAP! (Pun intended.)
Yet, I still had two more days to
prove my worth, my professionalism and my ability to do my job well. After all, I’m an Actor damnit, and I’m a Perfectionist!
Geared up at 9:00am (after an hour
of transferring my notes) to tackle four vignettes for a comedic male in which
I not only got to sing, dance and prat-fall, I euphorically bathed in the warmth
of the compliment from our Camera Coordinator who shouted to her crew, “YAY! Penny COMMITS to a scene!”
I also enjoyed the absolute mayhem
of bouncing around from a “reality TV mom”, to a “game show hostess” and back
to “reality TV mom” in the same scene, as no matter what the roles, I got to
PERFORM!
And snagging an apple box to plop
down on before we rolled tape on my male Actor, I caught up with one of the
Cameramen whom I’ve known for years.
“Your replacement on my other show was OK Pen, but she missed a lot of
the nuances that you always brought” he shared with me openly. “But hey, in her defense, she’s not really an
Actress like you.”
Well, slap my ass and call me Happy!
As to our Hero slash “poster boy”,
my inner tweenagers heart actually leapt a beat as he approached me head-on in
the Audience housing; scaling the railings in what could have been a mighty
Rapunzel-esque fairy tale reunion had I let down my ponytail and he actually remembered me – but instead I gave up my
chair so as to allow him to frolic with his wife and daughter busily chatting
away with my co-workers.
As to the show, I thought it was a hilarious
episode -- despite my Capricorn proclivities towards attention to details, i.e.
a “depressed teenager in a Snuggie” who sports a full face of make-up and an up-do
hairstyle worthy of the red carpet, clad in jeans and adorable boots under said
Snuggie? Hello, how about socks and
jammies? Not to mention same “depressed
teenager” sitting on the couch eating “sour cream flavored potato chips”
(according to the neon green prop bag), yet the substitute veggie chips were
red? Let us not forget “Pugsley” exiting
the pantry with a full bowl of popcorn (because we all keep our pre-made
popcorn in an open bowl in the pantry?); nor the fact that despite multiple
takes on camera in the kitchen set when said pantry doors didn’t properly
close, not ONCE did anyone get up to fix them all week long? (Oh, I could go on and on!)
But gently reminded by my Second
Team that “this is just a kid’s show”, I closed my yap and held my tongue, all
the while allowing the professional side of my pea-brain to absorb the
happenings around me.
After all, I still have many lessons
to learn before I win the Lotto and start up my own Network... (Top-o-the-page, people: I DREAM HUGE!)
As for me for now, I’m counting my
blessings for the experiences (as well as the overtime paychecks to come!).
Plus, in hindsight, I think my Movie
Star friend Tony G was quite right. I’ll
never again feel an ounce of shame for any downtime as long as I continue to
give my all when I’m allowed to work and perform.
And lastly, a sincere “Thank You” to
all of you whom made me feel welcome and appreciated on your show. (Promise
me you’ll read the entire script, "C" - (you know who you are!))
Closing the curtains for now,
~Sleepy P