tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47036014958011372332024-02-19T17:35:17.725-08:00One Red Cent Trying to Make SenseLife is short. Have a laugh, take a nap, DREAM HUGE!Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.comBlogger153125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-25023653080359029252015-08-19T17:10:00.000-07:002015-08-19T17:10:36.972-07:00Grabbing the Bull by the Horn<br />
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <img src="http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=JN.lJ9FJgXV1gYd0FisgjkIHw&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" /></span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whilst I have no clue whatsoever as
to the etymology of referring to a telephone as a “horn”, I seem to have been a
tin-eared elk honking like an out-of- tune saxophonist this past week...</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“This call will be recorded for
quality control purposes” the mechanical voice properly officiously informed me
as I dialed a utility company with a simple question.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yeah, God willing”, I accidentally
sighed out loud.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll transfer you to
billing.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wait, wait, wait; <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>NOOO!</u></b>”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Crap...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Welcome to thirty minutes of pressing buttons on the “horn”...</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Are there really no more living,
breathing human beings available to pick up the phone except out-sourced
companies that leave you on hold with Muzak and then transfer you to another
country?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In a worthy attempt to keep my
expenses down, but craving some beef, I purchased a bacon cheeseburger at a
local mini-mart from their refrigerated section and wagged home the chilly cow.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">YAY!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Time for a tasty lunch, yes?!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Insert burger into store microwave
and press #3”.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">What?</span></i></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Customer satisfaction is
guaranteed!” the label read all happily, with an 800 number for my requisite ‘customer
satisfaction’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Cue more Muzak.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I bought a bacon cheeseburger from your company, but didn’t cook it in
the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you help me with approximately
how much time I should nuke it as to the equivalence of whatever is #3?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, I don’t have that kind of
specific specs maam. But thank you for calling, and have a great day!”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Are you kidding
me???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, let’s just wing it with
E.coli!!!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Still feeling a bit bullied by my
on-line Tech Support, I frowned at my computer which was encouraging me to
follow seven steps of uploading/downloading (I don’t understand the difference)
for technological blah, blah, blah...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(No thanks to my nephew Austin, who is an absolute genius, but is currently
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">waaay</i> too busy being a teenager to
help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rebellion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got it.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, sometimes you just have to take
the bull by both horns.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sending a seriously crabby email (this
One Red Cent was in her own rebellious mood); I asked just what the heck I was
paying for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve seen the little window pop up,
and I know that they have the remarkable ability to access my poot
remotely!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, why should I have to sit
through all of their idiotic procedures for a program that I never wanted in
the first place?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’re going to have to allow me
remote control, and the current queue is 70 minutes long.” </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And pawing at the ground like a
bull, I stood my ground, ever at the ready.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Thank you” I typed, most kindly.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">BRING IT.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">*snort*</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lastly, aroused during a pleasant mid-day
catnap, I awoke to yet another mechanical voice on my landline from my
telephone/computer service jarring me into calling their 800 number lest my
account catastrophically collapse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">WTF???</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi and hello, I paid my bill the
day after I received it in the mail” I explained truthfully to ‘Ethan’, who
tappety-tap-tapped on his computer during the majority of our conversation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>”Yes, I received your email a week ago
identifying my usual monthly bill” I continued, “but I write <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">actual checks</i> to pay my bills.”</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And baffled by a dinosaur such as
myself, Ethan continued on with his scripted dialogue...</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, just to be clear, may we use
your cell phone to send you text alerts when upgrades are available?”</span></div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Absolutely not” I replied, feeling
very much like a bull about to tear down the streets of Pamplona and gore him
long distance in the belly.</span></div>
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<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Hey, I’m an Actor by trade, and I
respect the written script handed to me, but sometimes you need to be aware
when your fellow Actor in a scene has fallen off the same page.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sooo, you really DON’T want to be
contacted in advance by any form of social media?” simple, stupid well-meaning Ethan
sat ever-so confused, confounded that not everything in the world must be
handled with whack-a-doodle technology.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Feel free to insert some sort of
rolling eyes emoticon here.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<<</span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And just when I thought I’d finally tackled
the bull by the horns...</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">*ring...ring...ring*</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, kind readers, a fax machine is
now apparently in love with my cell phone and calls the private number five
times a minute every morning with cheery beeps.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Good grief...)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe some days, we’re all snuffed
by the bull?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unplugging everything for a few
hours, but always hopeful for a better tomorrow!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">*snort* </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-37078440625582885592015-07-27T01:51:00.000-07:002015-07-27T01:51:11.092-07:00Maybe I Need to Cut My Bangs?<img src="http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=JN.zOAo%2bGxAsy4wGzONAURHaA&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" /><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In my twenty-five-ish years of
working in Hollywood (mostly behind the scenes, but occasionally blissfully in
front of my multi-camera Sit-Coms), I consider myself TRULY blessed that I can
count on one hand the amount of people in The Industry with whom I’ve
personally clashed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Seriously, I’m a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">delight,</i> and I’m brilliant at my job!)</span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, egos are to be anticipated in
my business from various Actors, Actresses and Directors; but with gentle hands
and kind comments, a vast group of them are actually rather manageable. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I often envision a herd of fragile lambs/goats
that just need to be carefully wrangled by a friendly sheepdog.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>But seriously, sometimes a simple “you
look so gorgeous!” comment will get one of the Cast members out of their mental
space and back into the show.</span><br />
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve also found that occasionally offering
“do you need to run lines?” is an excellent kicker that either makes them
slightly annoyed/motivated as Professionals who insist that they artfully know
their craft, and/or are extraordinarily grateful for the personal attention
depending upon their individual psychopathy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(I told you, I’m brilliant at my job.)</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Of course, sure, you’re going to get
your fair share of the occasional Divas who demand that no one looks Her Majesty
in the eye (I won’t type her name here, but I “worked with” one lady who put me
through a special kind of Hell back in the nineties), or the Nazi-esque
Director who makes it his douche-bag macho priority to try to make every single
crew member weep and feel incompetent... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(There’s literally one Director in Tinsel Town
whom I’ve “worked with”, and to this day, upon simply hearing his name, I
immediately develop a Pavlovian rash on my arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yes, he berated me and
a MALE friend on-camera and made us BOTH cry...)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet as I’m actively searching for a
fall TV show, I’m grateful for any leads to assist me in acquiring a new job,
and I find myself daily busy at following up on any info.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But learning that one of the other five
people that I seriously clashed with has a multi-cam show coming up, I needed
to take some personal inventory...</span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, obviously I need to work again,
if only to keep my health insurance and continue to accrue my future pension...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yes, we “mostly” parted on “civil” terms,
but I still think he’s contemptuous, ridiculously tyrannical and completely incompetent;
a control freak who believes in the “straight eight” hours of work with no
overtime, whether or not we were needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Can somebody loan me a sheepdog?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or maybe a Pit <s>Bull</s> Viper?) </span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps I’m speaking out of turn in
my lowly position as a Stand-In, but does it take an Einstein to rationalize
that you ought to allow your veteran Crew bathroom breaks (at least ONCE),
during six hours of camera-blocking before lunch?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hello?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Our Cameramen were all in their sixties!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Could he not possibly schedule five minutes for their bladders?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really want to “piss off” a Prostate
Militia?</span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, I found out later
(after he had been let go quietly and I received a hand-written “Thank You”
check from my Actress), that this man illegally screwed me out of money for
legitimate work performed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, it
was only around $125.00, but still, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really???</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not like I could afford an Attorney to
recoup my losses, but hey, that still would’ve paid a few bills!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Welcome to the dark underbelly of Hollywood.)</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Regardless, hearing that this idiotic
tool has a show, I contemplated sending an email to let him know that I’m
available...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the more I thought
about it all, the less my desire to make contact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saved his @ss every single day running
interference between him and our <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">extremely</i>
high-maintenance lead Actress (which made <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">him </i></b>seem <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">brilliant</i></b> at handling her
to the Producers), but you know what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He
doesn’t deserve my unique talents!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe
it’s the menopause, but I sweat enough for one person – I’m too old now, to
sweat it for two! </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Learning that my favorite UPM is
producing a show later this fall (it’s generally not acceptable for someone in
my position to contact a UPM – Stand-Ins are kind of like vampires:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we have to be invited in), I contemplated sending
that email too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as he and I sort of ‘grew up’ in
the business together, of course I could reach out to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, with info from a separate
insider, the show will be shot single camera – a format with which I’m
painfully unfamiliar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Sooo, after twenty-five years, I’d be the rookie?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Old dog, new tricks?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess anything is possible!)</i></span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, keeping my sheepdog eyes
open to everything in the realm of the possible and dealing with some computer
snafus, I contacted the Geek Squad, who sits ever at the ready to assist me as
my online Tech Support.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But notified that my plan is about
to expire in a few days, I logged on to chat with an Agent as to billing
questions, updates and all manner of hoopla that I really don’t
understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s “Webroot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t I just renew Tech Support?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I already have Norton Anti-Virus, why do I
need your security plan?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Geez, how
many condoms does the World Wide Web need to put on its ‘laptop dance’ for a
computer that I don’t even use every day?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And almost as if to prove me right in my sheepdog awareness, I found
myself linked to the dumbest Geek Squad member whatever lived...</span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I can’t help you with your billing
questions, but feel free to call this toll-free number listed below, 24/7.”</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Umm, hello?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yeah, there’s no “hello” unless
you’re phoning the great state of Kentucky between 8am and 7:30pm CST.</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, I’m still choosing to remain
optimistic for a fall show!</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, my faith in The Universe (and
the human race) has been a bit shaky of late, but receiving an extremely apologetic
email the next day from “Agent Philip F, Covert Quality Assurance Agent/Geek
Squad Covert Operations Online Support/ PC In-Home Support”, (does all of that
title even fit on his business card?) who explained everything to my
satisfaction in simple terms, I’ve agreed to renew my membership with
them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Technically (HA!), I can’t afford
it, but since too much of my work info is haphazardly strewn about the
Internet, I can’t afford NOT to keep Tech Support on the poot.</span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And just like that, credit card in hand,
I found myself as the fragile lamb/goat (it's all ovine to me) that needed to be herded by a friendly sheepdog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I didn’t see that coming!)</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, as I took a much
needed walk in my neighborhood to soak up some sunshine after a few nights of
actual thunder storms <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yikes! The weather
blew out my landline for a couple of hours!), </i>I stopped at my local
7/Eleven for a container of heart-healthy mixed fruit and a big ole’ honkin’
fudge brownie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Some days, even when
you’re unemployed, you can scrounge up the money for, and really just REQUIRE,
a big ole’ honkin’ fudge brownie!)</span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But best of all for the day,
collecting my snail mail as I came home, I noticed an envelope from the
SAG/AFTRA Department of Residuals...</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, kind readers, by someone’s
internet rental, I received my very first residual check for smashing my teen
idol’s dreamboat face on-camera with a chocolate cream pie!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hold
your breath...</span></i><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Twelve dollars and ONE RED CENT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Well..., <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">before
</i>taxes.)</span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Living the dream!</span><br />
<br /><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span></div>
<br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-57801029653699098472015-07-11T07:11:00.000-07:002015-07-17T00:01:10.998-07:00"Cent-a-Mental" Thoughts about Trying to Make Sense<img alt="" class="im-O-x" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgidyNCDF8U9Loy2XATjd-MRt4raEau0xT2zinVBnERlQkld5NQgBBW1fGDXytFZxL1HPeCL3ZTzuDE_p7X2k-3EGQsnsdjVFFssif8bvXXvTw6mMBciX7H0-4ud636Nzhl6dpl9BMEjp7w/h120/Pennyvise.jpg" style="height: 120px; left: 0px; top: 0px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 90px;" /><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Scrounging around the bat-cave and
unearthing a few years old two “Santa 39 cent stamps”, I slapped both of them on
my Unemployment form and sent the irony to EDD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But watching a commercial (I think
it’s for a toilet bowl cleaner), apparently everything is now technologically
available with a click.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ergo, Spock-logically, I clicked on
USPS to purchase stamps!</span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, the lilies are lovely, and I’d
like to purchase two sheets.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*click*</span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your credit card has been
processed, and your stamps will arrive within five to seven days.”</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait, what?</span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Additionally, your credit card will
be charged for postage of us mailing them to you.”</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What the heck kind of scam is THAT?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can mail a letter and have it arrive in
three days anywhere in the United States, but the USPS takes its own sweet
time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, gee, sorry, but that’s just
stupid...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And tacking on postage for
mailing me stamps?</span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Can someone please help me make
sense of this?</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Next scenario:</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We need you to move your car for
tree trimming between 2pm and 3pm” one of my Landlords alerted me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No problem!” I kindly replied thankfully
in a text to one of my Landlords the night before.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I think my car is being eaten by the overgrown
bougainvillea since I haven’t been working!” I emphasized with all due
gratuity.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #336600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Remember, you have to move your
car” another Landlord reminded me at 11:30am the day of.</span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yeah.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Got it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it’s not even noon...”</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Geez, enough, already!)</span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And maneuvering Cecilia (my Toyota)
into one of their parking spots (the Landlords have now absconded with three
out of five places - although I’m not convinced that the dorky miniature circus
car deserves a whole spot), I left Cecilia in one of their empty places for two
and a half hours and then politely moved her back into her designated spot.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #336600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Good job moving your car!” one of
my Landlords applauded me as we happened upon each other.</span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(What am I, five?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I get
a gold star on my report card?)</span></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #336600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, with his deceased Dad’s
dog (“Keifer”) on a leash in our recently strictly designated “NO PETS ALLOWED”
building, I patted the poor little white fur ball that seemed desperate for
attention, a chin scratch and a double ear rub. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Sooo, I can’t adopt a kitty from a rescue shelter, but you can
trot out the pup?)</span></i><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">How does this make sense?</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally I’m having issues with
Vladimir (my monster bed).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whilst it’s
spectacular that I can elevate my head to assist my allergies and hit the
vibrate button to help unclog my sinuses, somehow I keep ending up scuttled
down to the lower half of the end of the mattress, and spend hours trying to claw
up Mt. Everest to get back to a pillow.</span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And doesn’t a pillow have but one
function?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Memory foam”’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about a pillow that “remembers” it should
simply be fluffy?</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Concordantly, with respect to the
new apartment regulations, I’ve complacently turned down the volume of my
comforting television at midnight so as not to disturb anyone.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet my upstairs neighbor trots
around happily at all hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he
moving furniture?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he working on his Arthur
Murray tango lessons?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who moves around
that much at three in the morning?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not antagonistic, yet what is he DOING up there? </span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, I can’t make sense, but I’ll
not be the billy goat gruff knocking on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i>
door...</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(It’s no wonder that I’m an insomniac.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And yes, some nights, I just lie there quietly
and wait for Mr. Happy Feet to crash through the ceiling joist and smash me
like a Wile E. Coyote “Acme” anvil...)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff3300; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lastly, as I’m trying to take care
of my health, I’m devoted to the consumption of my daily vitamins.</span></div>
<span style="color: #ff3300; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But can someone please explain to me
why “One A Day” multi-vitamins say the proper dosage is to take TWO pills?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re called <u>“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">One </b>A Day”!</u></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps I’ll never make sense of the
world...</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Recently, the Landlords left a note
on my stoop:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Water will be shut off
from 11am to 1pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry for the
inconvenience” on a day when I was experiencing some rather unpleasant tummy
trouble.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Excellent!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Seriously,
has no one yet developed a “sarcasm” font?)</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Forever befuddled,</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~Penny</span></div>
<br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-41316598297278659412015-06-28T23:21:00.000-07:002015-06-28T23:21:36.719-07:00"Boris" the "Torus" and the Onus Upon Us!<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><img alt="" class="im-O-x" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivBozPIArsNd3XH8BB2_s8euImLHjuQ9EFR2EhusD6h05da5gkKocH6ZK9Zt_A5EYDNosL-yfbP178H8m0jNB_dCQdotLZxi6i0GXVaqSElbOtHtm0idTIAvbE7_NfIDafk8DrRkUxh8Md/h120/torus+that+isn%2527t+a+torus%2521.JPG" style="height: 120px; left: 0px; top: 0px; transform: rotate(0deg); width: 160px;" /></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your CT scan costs $250.00.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We take all major credit cards!” the cheery
receptionist at the Beverly Hills oral surgeon happily processed my Credit
Union Visa a few months ago.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Frankly I didn’t care for anything
about the creepy place, let alone trying to sit motionless in a restraining
chair while a computer scanned my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(I submit that not every idea in my mind is brilliant, but the thoughts
are mine and I prefer to keep them to myself unless I choose to blog about
them.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And diagnosed with a “torus” in my
mouth by Doctor Evil (whose actual name will just give me a spell-check
headache), I accepted my role as a patient, and assumed that whatever ‘the
Professionals’ know must be God’s honest truth; my gums would have to be ripped
open and bones filed down with possible tooth extraction and some icky dead
corpse (redundant) injected into my dental work. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet on a particularly hungry
evening, craving some apple slices and suffering my very best at the pain in my
mouth and tears in my eyes, I looked up a local West Hollywood place within
walking distance that had lovely Yelp reviews.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Granted, there was no info if they actually had a surgeon on site, but I
had to take the chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And calling my
Credit Card Company, I let them know in advance that there might be a big fat
medical charge within a day or so.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Awake at about 5:50AM (I don’t really
sleep at night anymore); I popped up in bed and waited for the institution down
the street to open at 9:00AM.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whilst I wasn’t particularly proud of
my anxiety and weakness, I lit up half of a cigarette.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Berate me all you want to, new
Dentist/Surgeon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve already had my
head checked” I rehearsed pragmatically as any good card-carrying Union Actress
worth her salt would do.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But yes: another “<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hmmm”...</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I wasn’t entirely sure what was
rolling around in my mouth, but hello!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Whatever the heck was trying to get out of my gums, it made its way
out!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And preserving “Boris” (the possible
“torus”) onto a napkin, for the first time in months, I ate almost absolutely everything
in my kitchen; <s>cried </s>, no, SOBBED that I could talk without my tongue
getting caught on the nodule <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(seriously,
I sounded like Drew Barrymore after a stroke)</i>;<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and finally slept for
twelve hours!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi Penny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How are you?” a weird voice called me from
the security gate out in front of my apartment building.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Who IS this?” I wondered.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well, kind readers, as it turns out,
I seem to have a stalker...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And whilst I
won’t name him here, BELIEVE ME, my Mom has taken copious notes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(And no, I don’t think he’s actually
dangerous.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But just when you expel one creepy
thing out of your head, a new one pops in!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, can someone please explain to
me in what alternative Emily Post universe of Etiquette it’s OK to just show up
at a single woman’s front security gate???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You were an acquaintance ten years ago?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No, I didn’t know your wife passed away, nor did I know her name, or
that you were even married.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But hey, feel
free to show up at my apartment building?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>How does he even know where I live?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And just what does this fellow think?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sure let me buzz you in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s seriously
INSANE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wouldn’t drop by my best
friend’s home under ANY situation without calling at least a month in advance!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But politely letting him know that
yes, I was in fact busy, he quietly went away.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, usually, the “restricted” ring
tone on my cell phone (separate from the land line to the security gate) lets
me know it’s my friend “Rose”, but I DID make the singular mistake of once
answering “What’s up, Buttercup?” to an unlisted Executive Producer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Not
particularly professional, but I still booked the gig!)</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So naturally, two nights later when
I heard the “restricted” ring tone, I assumed it was either “Rose” or an
employer.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hello?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hey, I just wondered if you had
dinner yet.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Who IS this?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">OK, once is odd; twice is disturbing...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Now, he has my private cell number?)</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as I’m not completely stupid, I
did a wee bit of online window shopping as to a bit of home protection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(My family in the Midwest are proud of their
rights to “pack heat”, so why shouldn’t I?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And hey, I got University Credit for a riflery class!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What’s a Desert Eagle 50 AE Spring
Powered Airsoft Gun?” I ever so officiously contacted a Department of Justice
friend who knows absolutely everything about these extremely powerful firearms,
and whether or not $21.99 was a decent price.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“My dear, that’s just a BB gun” he
replied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“The most you could probably do
if you have a semi-decent shot, is wing your creepy 90 year old shirtless
neighbor that rakes leaves all night and every morning outside your window.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well... that certainly wouldn’t
bode well for the pizza delivery boy if I was experiencing a hot flash and
hunger pangs!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I mistakenly thought I’d
get a chuckle, but apparently the DOJ doesn’t sanction a sense of humor.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">(Yep, insert another “Hmmm...”)</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, my Mom tells me that my
youngest nephew Austin is incredibly gifted with accuracy and a blow dart gun!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(*scratch chin, and contemplate*.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Viable as an alternative as that could
be, I recently fell dead asleep in front of the television at two in the
afternoon with a marathon of “Criminal Minds”; my glasses still on my face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Suffice it to say my frames are still wonky,
and until I get them all bendy back normally, a blow dart gun would likely only
blast a pigeon or accidentally take out my mail carrier...)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So what’s a girl to do?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*Ring* (9:45pm on my cell phone a
couple of nights ago – “restricted”.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hey, Penny, is it too late to call
you?”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And who IS this?” (I recognized his voice
immediately, but I felt the need to establish the fact that we have NO real
personal connection and that this is simply NOT acceptable behavior.)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK, well, I’ll stay in touch.”</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, brother...</span></i></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Personally, I’ve decided not to arm
myself with an arsenal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Most likely,
I’d end up shooting off my own foot.) </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But if my body could fight off
“Boris” and “Dr. Evil”, then I think I may be clever enough to elude my
stalker...!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m admittedly a pathetic
prevaricator, but so far I’ve established a fabricated tale <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(should the stalker call again),</i> that my
“boyfriend” is here (I really gotta think up a manly name...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Any suggestions?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is “Thor” believable?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How about “Maximillian”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Told you, I’m a lousy liar)); but additionally,
after “he” (the mysterious fictional boyfriend) finishes power weight lifting, “we’re”
going to watch a violent slasher movie and eat a meat lover’s pizza.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(As an
Actress, I’ve mastered a <u>disturbingly</u> believable baritone voice, so yes,
I can play both roles.)</i></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the “mean” time, I’m just
thrilled to chew!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve officially
designated “butter” and “chocolate” as necessary dietary food groups in the RDA
pyramid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, “Pepperidge Farms
Garlic Bread” has become a staple on my grocery list, and it’s my firm belief
that “Stouffer’s Meat Lasagna” is the source of a significant life force. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But hey, that’s just me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(And maybe the anti-vampire stench of garlic
will fend off my stalker!)</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you all epicurean delights!</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-16243145180145500382015-06-08T00:29:00.001-07:002015-06-08T00:44:58.138-07:00Racking Focus on my Chinny Chin Chin<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <img src="http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=JN.XZu%2brjuhKtmcZxNi1UstkA&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" /></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In a spectacularly brutal test of my
personal endurance as a resilient and stalwart human being, the grand epic Universe
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(or a sickly person in the orange juice
aisle who actually LIKES pulp and put the OTHER bottle back)</i> opted for a
bit of “fun” by biblically plaguing me with a head cold on top of my usual
seasonal allergies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(I have absolutely no proof that this pulp-loving diseased
individual actually exists, but I DO firmly believe that the world is a monstrous
Petri dish FULL of bacteria, and I still desire to earn millions of dollars and
eventually dwell in my very own live-in Bubble.)</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, I slept a few hours here and
there the first few nights amidst comforting sips of Vicks NyQuil dreams; but
snoring or snorting myself awake with congestion every other hour since I never
consumed a full dose as recommended, I pressed the “elevate head” button on
“Vladimir” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(my magnificent monster
mattress)</i>, and laid there once again like seasoned meat stuffed in a taco
shell.</span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, of course I’ve heard the adage
that “misery loves company”, but I must say that my heart went out to an
upstairs neighbor in my rather compact apartment building who hasn’t stopped
loudly sneezing for the last two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">He sneezes FOUR times in a row, EVERY
TIME!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, at the very least, I’m
comforted that whatever seemed to be in bloom and emanating massive doses of
pollen; I wasn’t alone!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But equally bothered by completely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">unrelated</i> symptoms, I searched the World
Wide Web for a bit of insight as to my ongoing malaise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(And before I continue to proceed further, all
Y-chromosome readers may feel free to skip this post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No hard feelings!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet if you choose to continue on, hopefully
you’ll find my research educational.)</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, this Penny is going through her
Change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(And I don’t mean the happy FUN
kind when you pop open the belly of your pink piggy bank and roll coins in tiny
paper bank sleeves!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Don’t judge me – it’s thrifty as well as
fiscally savvy:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I recently tipped a
delivery guy with a two dollar roll of nickels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some of you will appreciate the irony.)</i></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet I digress, as I’m wont to do!</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Locating a website devoted entirely
to a forum of one-page short stories published by women of all ages equally
experiencing ‘the Change’, I hesitated before clicking on the link.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, what could I possibly learn?</span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></i><br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT Penny!” a female friend
of mine piped up in a ‘feverish’ panic on the phone as I expressed my desire to
blog about this particularly difficult phase in every woman’s life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You can’t WRITE about it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Image in Hollywood is EVERYTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, it’s superficial, but that’s the MAGIC
we create!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You might NEVER work again if
you blog about this!” she warned me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Or...,
I might actually gain the respect of powerful people in The Industry who
applaud self-awareness, knowledge and acceptance that this is simply a fact of
life that we all have to deal with” I replied Spock-logically (seasoned with a
hint of Oprah). </span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Seriously,
are we living in the Victorian Era in the Age of Technology?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By all means, feel free to post a picture of
your double chocolate chip breakfast muffin on social media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just don’t dare mention that without a bite
of chocolate, you might’ve ripped someone a “new one” at work?</span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Obviously I’m NOT a menopausal
woman” my male friend RJ laughed long distance, but I can tell you, I have no
mercy for your hot flashes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m a large
man, and I perspire more than anyone I know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That’s why I keep my office freezing cold so I can still wear my
favorite wool sweaters!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the
allergies, yeah I get that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Never had allergies
my whole life, but now I don’t leave the house without a handkerchief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t know if this helps, but when my
Mom went through ‘her Change’, she constantly wore her favorite t-shirt that
said “I’m out of Estrogen and I have a gun.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I LOVE that!)</i></span><br />
<em><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span></em><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After much serious contemplation, I choose to
believe that rather than politically correctly hush-up, perhaps I can use this
page to help at least one woman who thinks she’s going bonkers and/or a husband
who thinks his wife is bat-crap crazy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: 270.75pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes,
sometimes I stick my head in the freezer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(And no, it’s not the happy FUN time of searching for a scoop of ice
cream at 3:30am.)</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">On certain days, I’m nauseous from
allergies (no longer seasonal) and I can blow through 10 Kleenexes in one
minute.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><span style="color: magenta; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m often exhausted despite taking
my vitamins, and I pat myself on the back if I can sleep two whole hours in a
row at night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These blissful hours are
usually roused by creepy night sweats and inexplicable bouts of anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Recently,
I checked the clock, turned off the lights, slept hard for what seemed an
eternity, woke up, stretched and turned the lights back on, only to discover
that I had slept for exactly 18 minutes.)</i></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Conversely, as I’m not currently
employed, I find that I’m akin to one of the viral adorable sleepy puppies on
YouTube, and randomly fall dead asleep midday in front of the television; the
human equivalent of utter inability not to drowse into your food bowl of
kibble.</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, the hair on my head is
thinning, which is apparently no deterrent to the fuzzy peach moustache that I
seem to have inherited from my beloved Grandma Ruth on my upper lip. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Awesome!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My career happens to be in television Sit-Coms which has mostly become
High-Def.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can you zoom in for focus on
that <u>singular</u> ebon Shakespearean witch-hag follicle that grows at an
alarming rate over night?)</i></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And difficult of a confession as
this may also be - my intolerance of utterly stupid people has risen
exponentially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some days, it’s all I can
do to slap a smile on my face and pretend to be “pleasant”, all the while
suppressing thoughts of slapping the snot out of incompetent idiots.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I’m
not particularly proud of these moments, but I own them.)</i> </span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, if anything positive may come of
this post, I just wish that women of whatever age will know that they are not
alone; nor are their husbands or boyfriends, who think that they are suddenly
living with a bat-crap crazy lunatic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is what it is!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is obviously an
awkward, undesirable phase in life, but hopefully I’ve opened the door for
discussion for you and your significant others.</span><br />
<span style="color: green; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As for me, on the plus side (sleep
deprived as I may be), I’ve learned that I’m an absolute GENIUS at boiling
spaghetti around midnight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, my kitchen sink has
never been cleaner, as occasionally taking to task helps to shake off anxiety.</span><br />
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But what’s best of all?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I recently discovered a free channel
(uninterrupted by commercials) on my TV of music from the 1980’s.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cognitive development occurs at the age of
14, so yes, I’ll get out of bed and dance ala Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald and Ally
Sheedy to retro songs from “The Breakfast Club” at any given hour of the night.
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(“You
never know when you may have to jam”!)</i></span><br />
<em><span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span></em><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ladies, please know that you’re not
crazy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, I prefer to diagnose us
as suffering from various degrees of “Mad-ness”.</span><br />
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And whilst I’m neither a certified doctor
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(albeit occasionally “certifiable”) </i>nor
am I an altruistic do-gooder, if you wish to read some personal stories that
verify you haven’t lost your mind, “Project Aware” is an excellent website if
you care to check it out. </span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, if you’ll excuse me, my head
has a date with the freezer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And yes, at least for today, this
will be the FUN happy time when I pillage for chocolate Haagen Dazs!</span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yours in a hot flash,</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> p.s. I'm LOATHING Google right now that it won't format my page correctly translated from Word Document, FFS. It's MADNESS, I tell you!</span></div>
<br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-52445423878591316672015-04-24T08:31:00.000-07:002015-04-24T08:32:08.133-07:00Future, Present and Past Tenses<br />
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<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK Penny, see THIS part needs to be
filled out by your Spouse”, the nicest (God love him, but <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">chattiest</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">)</i> Notary Public whatever lived hesitated
before authenticating my most recent documents as to “Transfer upon Death”
titles regarding my miniscule stocks and bonds.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I don’t have a husband” I shrugged
matter-of- factly, palms in the air.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re an absolute delight!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
“us”, isn’t it...” he winced, apparently expressing an all-encompassing apology
for the entire male species.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re just
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">awful</i>, aren’t we?!” he searched my
face for some sort of confirmation to his oblique justification.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Here
we go...</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, of course not” I tried to allay
the fragile feelings of the ‘common law’ officer who seemed to be rummaging for
a topic in common. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I just haven’t found
my ‘Mr. Right!’” I suddenly found myself equally apologizing for all of the
picky women in the world who refuse to settle for any man less remotely
ridiculously charming as George Clooney. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Men are pigs, huh?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We don’t deserve women like you!” my Notary puled
like a whiney chick.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Was
I at a Notary or a therapist?</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You remind me <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sooo </i>much of this slightly younger actress who comes in here” the
Notary continued to ramble on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Have you
ever heard of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(insert unfamiliar name)?</i>
She’s like a breath of fresh air; but she kind of smells like a combination of
cotton candy and bubble gum.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh
dear...</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um, no” I replied, trying to
pleasantly disguise my baffled brow <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(seriously
wishing that I’d opted to wear bangs that day), </i>and continually
experiencing the acutely intense weirdness of a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">waaay </i>too personal conversation<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">.</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well anyway, she was performing
Stand-Up at this club in San Bernardino, and she gave me a free pass!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But sadly, I was the only one who showed up
to support her.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Aww” I responded kindly.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Aww!” he mimicked me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s just exactly what SHE said!” he giggled
like a school girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But you don’t smell
anything like her” he nodded sagely all the way across the counter top.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You smell more like citrus.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me think for a sec; it’ll come to me” he
happily surmised, officiously replacing all of his office supplies in their
proper slots before he could ever even begin to process my paperwork.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Awesome:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Hyperosmia”,
i.e. acute olfactory awareness, and OCD to boot.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Side note:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not entirely sure precisely which fragrance
my favorite exotic French ‘<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eau de Parfum’</i>
was specifically designed to emanate, but with a spritz or two mixed with my
physical chemistry, apparently I’m an apricot.)</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sooo” I piped up cheerfully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If you could just possibly, any time soon,
while I’m in a thirty minute parking space, send those two faxes to my
Accountant, make copies of these other documents to mail to my sister, and
notarize the paperwork of “Transfer upon Death” agreement, I think we’ll be all
done here!” I gently urged along the process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Forgive me, but a few of these necessities kind of give me the willies”
I added perfunctorily so as not to further encourage any additional witty banter.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“”Give me the willies!”” the Notary
mimicked me for the second time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“People
don’t use phrases like that anymore!”</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><br /><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Here
we go again...</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, I sure do” an elderly
gentleman war Veteran chimed in behind me in line; waiting ever so patiently as
a torrid hurricane of a twenty-something girl blathered relentlessly on her
cell phone, who LITERALLY absconded with the pen IN MY HAND <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(“can I borrow this?; thanks”);</i> unfurled
a package and disappeared like a whirlwind tornado from the store whilst
continually yapping incessantly on her Android.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh
my!</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Kids today are what they are” the
Vet shrugged complacently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But I
appreciate your archaic phrasing” the Veteran beamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I don’t think I’ve heard anyone speak like
you since World War II.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aww!</span></i></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Personally, I’d have married that
blue-eyed handsome devil of a Vet on the spot if he wasn’t already sporting a golden
wedding ring!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Well, if he wasn’t apparently approximately ninety years old and if my
Notary wasn’t such a total basket case.)</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<< </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Startled awake by a broken
English-speaking “IRS Agent” dubbed “Johnathan Knight Badge #46719” on my
land-line, I listened to the message <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">intensely</i>
with all due panic.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“During sensitive audit, we find YOU
hiding MONEY from US Government!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
call back NOW at this number with debit or credit card or you be <u>ARRESTED!</u>”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">WTF?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Now<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u> I</u></i></b> was the basket case, despite confirmation the night
before that my bank had already received my tax refunds!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And logging inquisitively onto my
poot as to area code 202, I was promptly alerted to a false notorious IRS scam
that often occurs this time of year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(FYI, if you get a phone spam as I did (or an email phish), the IRS has
an official link to report your incident if you wish to do so.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take THAT, phony “badge #46719” – I gave the
IRS your scheming phone number!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, I got spammed once again,
via email, that “<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">your </b>have resume
listed with CalJobs as Actor which is set to expire”, from a “Do Not Reply”
bogus address presuming to be the Unemployment Department.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;">Now, I don’t know who these
people are or how they sleep at night, but I’m sick and tired of being bullied</span>.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And clicking “reply” to the “Do Not
Reply” address (surprise, surprise); I was able to send the following message:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Your</i> </b>might have my resume, but spam
me again and I’ll report you to Federal Authorities.”</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes, you just have to be
present, diligent and take a stand!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, I’d been presently <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">tensely</i> prepping myself for a Memorial
Service to celebrate the life of a gentleman that I knew on my very first
television show.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite frankly, I wasn’t entirely
sure how I’d fare to see so many beloved faces from twenty-four years ago (YIKES!);
nor was I remotely certain how emotional the evening might become. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I’d
already packed my purse with tissues just in case I might blubber uncontrollably
like my Notary.)</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now I absolutely MUST bestow a
monumental “THANK YOU” upon my friend Ellie Mae; who, with BRILLIANT
forethought, arrived with a heaping stack of photos as visual reminders - an
enormous collection of composite pieces of all of our mutual histories
together.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And with three of my most cherished
friends, like four chickens in a free range pen, we hen-pecked each other’s
brains to remember just who the heck was who.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Faces we knew <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(kinda);</i> but names?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We barely
had a clue!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet entering the elegant open air
patio overlooking Sunset Blvd. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(eyeballing
the free food, and seriously wishing I’d brought a bigger purse and some
Tupperware);</i> I embraced that which made feel most at ease, i.e. a host of my
very first television family, happily comingled with an assorted manner of
adopted relations from all of the spin-off shows where I was blessed to be
hired as a contributing participant.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #333399; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And whilst I ought to have fallen
asleep a mere few hours later after the Memorial, instead I sat wide awake in
the middle of the night; completely consumed yet oddly comforted by ever so
many ghosts of the past. </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Personally, I trust the fickle
Mistress known as Hollywood to help me find my next niche; wherein I shall land
somewhere soft and comfortable that offers me a new opportunity to shine and
thrive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(After all, I’m an apricot!)</i></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And with a giant genuine hug and a peck
of a kiss to my favorite handsome Producer <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who
will be thanked profusely when I eventually win my Emmy)</i>, I looked forward
to the present and the future, sans tense, or pretense.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<< </span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Final note:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Padding outside last night to gather my snail
mail, our beloved friend “Matthew Money” who passed away, apparently still
gives with all of his heart from the great beyond!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The return address was of course SAG-AFTRA;
but underneath was the ever so tiny printing “Residual Department”, enveloping a
check from my first television family amounting to $72.88 after taxes.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dinner is on me, Matthew!!!</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Written with love,</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-26918623811517767772015-03-29T21:35:00.000-07:002015-03-29T21:35:21.280-07:00A Heartfelt Hypothesis on the Hierarchy of Hesitations<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll just wait out here...” I
casually SAG/AFTRA professionally acted my way out of a paper (or plastic?) bag,
lolling in front of the automated doors as a friend of mine entered the brightly
lit megalopolis to purchase a few items from the magnificent shopping arena
wherein one could purchase everything from clothing to radial tires to a
yearly bulk supply of toilet paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be sure, there existed absolutely
no Spock-logic behind my hesitation, as whilst I could’ve saved God knows how
much money on kitchen trash bags (and a lifetime supply of vitamins that
theoretically might expire before I do!); all of the little hairs on the back
of my neck stood up in a perfunctorily profound protest.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In fact <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(from a purely scholastic point of view mind you</i>), the Greek
Philosopher Aristotle once said that “Fear is pain arising from the
anticipation of evil.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(!!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, I was situated with my
friend who’d driven us somewhere deep into the heart of The Valley at the time!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I
don’t much care for abandoning my “comfort zone”, nor did I have an escape
route without so much as my alter ego Wonder Woman invisible airplane!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And yes, in 20/20 hindsight, OF
COURSE I was reacting overly dramatically to irrational fear...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all I knew (that betwixt the two), there
was absolutely NO way anyone could possibly ‘Pepe LePew’ me through those
doors! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">A decade or so later, I found myself
temporarily befriended by an on-line blogger who confessed that she as well,
was irrationally hesitant of confronting two things in her world – one being uninvited
spiders randomly carousing about her home <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(not
so irrational in my opinion)</i>, but was most predominately stricken with absolutely
paralyzing terror at the daily strands of hair from her husband lurking in the bathtub
drain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And curious as to whether or not
she might be uncomfortable with the idea of potential male pattern baldness in
her handsome hubby, she assured me that I was completely off the mark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“For whatever reason, soapy, slimy wet
hair sticking to the shower just totally grosses me out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t explain it!” she shared her personal
idiosyncrasy for all to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I have to
put on arm-length rubber gloves to even try to touch that.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Call me
crazy, but these are the moments of honesty that I totally respect!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Amidst the same decade whilst I was
dating a certain boyfriend, I was blessed to be befriended by said
boyfriend's dog “Jack”; a most beloved loyal canine hero who’d been rescued
from the mean streets, and despite canoodling with the likes of A-list movie
stars <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m neither confirming nor denying
that Jack actually knew “Jack Sparrow”), </i>this pup never forgot his humble
previous life, and took a full-body eighty-pound belly-up leaning to the liking
of me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Jack was protective!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jack was fierce!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Jack was a serious bad-a@@ pit bull/boxer mix
who feared nothing and harbored no hesitations!!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>except for shopping carts...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and skateboards...<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (Apparently miniature wheels were PTSD reminders of life on the
streets, and ergo, Jack’s Kryptonite.) <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But there again, these are the moments
of heart-felt honesty that ultimately move me and help me feel connected as one
less oddball on the planet.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Like it or not Penny, you’re
currently unemployed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have the
luxury of catered food all day at a Studio, so you’re going to have to learn to
feed yourself on a budget until you’re booked on another television show.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">WHAAAT?!?!<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“They have a hot food bar here, a cold
salad bar, a full deli, and if you have any questions they’ll even let you
taste a sample before you make a purchase” a different friend of mine gently
guided me into the welcoming arms of a smallish local establishment a mere mile
or so down the road from my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Certain
things are obviously overpriced since we’re in an upscale store, but you can figure
this out for yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe in you”
she patted me on the back as she moseyed off with her own list.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Left to my own devices of attempting
to stock my fridge and freezer without wasting too much money, my friend once
again patted me on the back as we met in the checkout area; where much like Las
Vegas casino card dealers, the cashiers stood in uniform at the front of their
lines, ready for takers as if they had an open ten dollar minimum Three Card
Poker table at the Bellagio.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And having spent only about forty
dollars, I was feeling quite confident!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, this is not to say that I didn’t
make a few mistakes in the following weeks...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, on occasion, I over-purchased
like a whale in Vegas...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Note to single people out there -– pre-sliced fruit is edible
for only a day or two before it begins to smell like compost; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>plus I’m still rather iffy on the whole concept
as to precisely when creamed spinach morphs
into something “more” than goo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
already moldy-green and stinky when it’s fresh, and yes; I now irrationally
fear that whilst I’m sleeping, the tub of iron-based vegetation is secretly
bulking itself up like Arnold Schwarzenegger to impress the ocularly popular
tub of butternut squash.)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Nevertheless, I
digress!<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d spectacularly miraculously
overcome my irrational fear of Grocery Stores! <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I can hear my friend Richard in
NY laughing that I’ve thus surpassed spending a gazillion dollars at my local
7-Eleven for mustard);</i> but a knack for shopping for ONE person is DEFINITELY
a learned skill. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Who would ever have thought <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(with my dismal disabilities as a Domestic
Zero);</i> that I<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>could possibly teach
myself how to make a seriously fabulous fried egg/sharp cheddar cheese
sandwich?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hint:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>if you slather your heart
healthy whole wheat bread with real mayonnaise and fry the egg in butter, you’re good to go.)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
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<div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: black;">(Brilliant idea that some years ago I purchased a spider-web "Joan Cleaver-esque" apron. Yay! I can cook! <em>(Well at least, I can kind of barracade myself from splattering grease.))</em></span></blockquote>
</span><span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And although I may be temporarily
unemployed, by my mathematical calculations, I’ve successfully tackled the
ability to devour proper feasts in my bat-cave for less than a few dollars per
feeding!<o:p></o:p></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Irrational (or rational?) fears are
significantly difficult to conquer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Believe me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(My
ongoing psychopathy with regard to prepping eggs is the incessant need to spoon
out that creepy SOLID WHITE ganglia-blob lurking ominously in the albumen (the
clear goo by the yoke)).</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the HECK is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>THAT</u></b>?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it an
undeveloped chicken spinal column?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Frankly, I don’t even want to know...)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet despite my heroic ability to triumph
and conquer a fear which used to paralyze me back in the day, a few more
hesitations have thus presented themselves of late which I feel the need to address
and analyze:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With four rather determined canine
paws dug deeply into the tile floor in defiant rebellion, the owner of “Muffy” profusely
expressed regret to all of us shoppers who couldn’t help but ‘coo’ and ‘aww’
regarding the adorable ‘Toto-esque’ wired-hair terrier being gently “dragged”
by his leash down the Yellow Brick Road toward the refrigerated section of the
Grocery Store.</span><br />
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Muffy hates anything cold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t explain it!” his owner continued to
apologize, straining to reach for a quart of low-fat milk as Muffy<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (all of about maybe twenty-five pounds?) </i>doggedly
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(pun intended) </i>stood his canine ground
and shied adamantly away from that which made him most uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet in a heartbeat, with all due
proper puppy smiles and sociable happy tail-wagging as he trotted proudly about
the aisles <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(away from dairy case!), </i>Muffy
won over every customer in the store.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Give me a high four, Muffy!) </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Honestly, I was just about to self-congratulatory
pat myself on the back for my smug courage of accomplishing at least one
irrational fear, but standing at the Deli counter, I too shied away from that which I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>truly</u></i></b>
fear the most...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And all I could think of was, “there but for the
Grace of God, go I”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, I didn’t see the wobbly-wheeled
heaping shopping cart of street trash ‘valuables’ at first <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Jack would’ve ran like the wind!);</i> but there was no avoiding the indelible
odor of the homeless man standing in line in front of me who was
mid-negotiation with the hair-netted lady behind the counter as to just how
much hot food he could afford.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I may be a bit short on cash, but I
do have <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">some</i> money” the homeless man suddenly
turned to me with a wad of crumpled singles in his crusty hand; eyeballing my
Humane Society T-shirt which proudly purported “Adopt Your New Best Friend!”; a
photo of a droopy-eyed Beagle puppy looking particularly hopeful below the
caption.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Note to self – perhaps I need to choose my wardrobe more
carefully.)</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um, I’m so sorry, but I’m using a
credit card for my groceries” I explained honestly, feeling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolutely </i>awful for telling the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">absolute</i> truth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can just put MY food in YOUR basket and take
all my money” he suggested rather Spock-logically.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh,
good Heavens...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, yes of course, everyone should
most certainly have the right to eat!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But God forgive me: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was NO way in the WORLD that I was going
anywhere NEAR touching his gnarly paws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I don’t even nosh at a Drive-Thru
restaurant <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>in my own car</u></b><u> </u>without
so much as half a bottle of hand sanitizer!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet blissfully, before I could even
begin to try to form another sentence, much like the Security in Las Vegas <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(with ever-so quiet efficiency), </i>the
Manager of the store and a few Guards eased all of the man’s ‘aromatic’ belongings
in his personal shopping cart outside into the breezy air.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And escorting the gentleman through a proper
checkout line, they presumably came to a civil agreement as to a compromise.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I guess we’re going to need to use
a lot of Febreze!” my own Vegas-esque Cashier attempted to make me feel less
uncomfortable as he scanned my items.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Personally I think all of us (in our
own wonky ways), share the hesitations and fears of that which make us
significantly “uncomfortable”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps too, my senses have been a
wee bit heightened, as for the last couple of weeks I’ve been getting all of my
affairs in order.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And quite frankly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(my macabre sense of humor notwithstanding)</i>,
this entire process has kind of creeped me out!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now I’m healthy as a horse mind you,
but as I’m approaching “middle age”, I’ve been encouraged to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(at the very least)</i> prepare a last Will
and Testament, an official Power of Attorney, as well as miscellaneous
paperwork regarding who gets to pull my plug if my body is somehow horrifically
mangled in a bizarre five-mile-an-hour car chase on my beloved congested Santa
Monica Blvd.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And whilst <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not entirely sure if the use of the term
“no-brainer” is politically incorrect, I’m definitely pro-DNR, donate what’s
usable, and after that I don’t much care.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But even with all such awkward tasks
accomplished, signed by a Notary, copies made and mailed, there remains yet MORE
paperwork with regard to financial institutions and my chosen
beneficiaries?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good grief!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s NOT like I’m a millionaire!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Well, perhaps not YET, anyway...)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“***IMPORTANT NEWS REGARDING AN EXECUTIVE
OVERRIDE MAILING YOU’LL BE RECEIVING THIS WEEK***<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> Not everyone will receive
this message.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a special alert being
sent only to past participants – and you are one of them.””<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, Publishers Clearing House has
offered me the one (in a megabazillion) chance to win <u>$14,000.00</u> a week for
life, allocated with flowers, balloons and a theoretically big old honking
check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">suppose</i> I could handle THAT paperwork with no hesitations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(What
can I say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I continue to believe in dreaming HUGE!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you all a week of utter
and profound fearlessness!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-47400969450927501262015-02-23T06:16:00.000-08:002015-02-23T06:16:22.040-08:00The Luddite versus the Megabyte<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9k3_7xlJdMz5QqGI5yd7FnrsqgqCDzcOa15onZzWWmEiztO4i6DfcCYZZ2ixhXgTHgIcqbn6TGZdG7Ldz0noRR7OJ1otEfiMrltQPEcAaLNKn2NZOVBNPlvrXRLP9lmJytPs6i1D1fBe/s1600/miners+hat.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp9k3_7xlJdMz5QqGI5yd7FnrsqgqCDzcOa15onZzWWmEiztO4i6DfcCYZZ2ixhXgTHgIcqbn6TGZdG7Ldz0noRR7OJ1otEfiMrltQPEcAaLNKn2NZOVBNPlvrXRLP9lmJytPs6i1D1fBe/s1600/miners+hat.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Great news!” the email from my
CPA’s assistant informed me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re
going green and paperless this tax season!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Click here to download and print your necessary forms at www.blah, blah,
blah”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Register online to receive your W-2
forms from this payroll company!” another email reveled joyously; who too, had
apparently jumped upon the save-a-tree bandwagon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Click here!” I was prompted to access the
website and divulge all of my personal data including my social security number
to be transmitted to God knows where (a “cloud”?), so as to minimize paperwork.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Yeah, NO.)</span></i><span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But by the third letter in my email
inbox regarding the extraordinary importance of all things digital from yet another
source (of EIGHT previous employers!) who blissfully track my Residual checks
for payment of re-run television episodes, and who were equally lauding the vital
preservation of paper <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(versus the
protection of my private information?),</i> I was prompted yet again to “click
here!”; visit a website, set up a user name and create a password.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Again: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>yeah, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>NO!</u></b><o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As I’m currently the possessor of a
list of nearly fifty disparate (unrelated) websites with passwords <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(that aren’t even actually WORDS)</i>; handfuls
of security question answers in case I have a “senior moment”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (seriously, I had to think for a second to
even recall what I ate for breakfast yesterday);</i> not to mention a gazillion
different user names <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(none of which I can
remember without a cheat sheet),</i> I chose to “click THERE” and simply turn
off the computer.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, this Luddite (me) started this
blog in a quiet effort of trying to make sense of the world as it pertains to
my moderately eccentric, occasionally neurotic and rather unusual life in the “glamorous”
world of Tinsel Town; but frankly I don’t ever recall clicking a hearty
universal “OK!” as to the approval of scattering my personal information
regarding every single penny <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you
will)</i> that I’ve ever earned, all willy-nilly into megabytes across the
stratosphere of the internet for any bored hacker to access after he or she has
lost at a multi-media role-playing game and would like to tap into my finances
to digitally purchase ogre-repellant armor for their fierce warrior ostrich avatar.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaIQoflHvOPHc35axF8jEaiAMrjzi53HaqbeEFE4x0scCm3Vb489aK13I-JsDGEaTCOa1UvjnRAlf7RiX4Vw9O6GH5wOnIBkzkgXZpln52uFW_ufDSeRkZng3mvRt0E6rmhRwQn_yJDFcn/s1600/ostrich.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaIQoflHvOPHc35axF8jEaiAMrjzi53HaqbeEFE4x0scCm3Vb489aK13I-JsDGEaTCOa1UvjnRAlf7RiX4Vw9O6GH5wOnIBkzkgXZpln52uFW_ufDSeRkZng3mvRt0E6rmhRwQn_yJDFcn/s1600/ostrich.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff9900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet facing the rather undeniable and
formidable future of the ridiculous technological crappy hoops that we are all
apparently destined to jump through , I chose to take a step back and looked
scholastically to the past for guidance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Our new Constitution is now established, and has
an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said
to be certain, except death and taxes.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>~Benjamin Franklin (1789).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted our ‘new Constitution’ in
the USA of “Reality TV” and “Non-Fiction” programming has most certainly taken
over the air-waves (an unfortunate <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">amendment</i>
to my personal delicate dietary <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">constitution</i>
of ingesting quality writing/acting/directing); <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>additionally I’ll likely have to continue to
slam on the brakes of my car <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(even though
I drive like a slow-poke granny) </i>as throngs of ear-budded pedestrians mosey
like utterly oblivious cud-chewing cattle whilst jay-walking/texting with no
regard to their personal safety; and yes, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">worst</i></b> of all for a Luddite like
myself, at some point in the future, I suspect that I too, will have no choice
but to be Borg-like assimilated as a cybernetic organism into the Collective,
as apparently “resistance is futile”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hey, my aversion to current technology has
absolutely nothing to do with my love of watching old repeats of “Star Trek: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Next Generation”!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But by golly, as an eternal
optimist, I still felt that there existed a few Luddite battles well worth
fighting for!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Conceding to a potential “middle
ground” of the Luddite versus the Megabyte, I surrounded myself with all due necessary
paper documents as to my legal claim regarding my rights as a temporarily laid
off Actor with the Unemployment Department.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If all of the other out of work
people in California can figure this out, I can do this too!” I rallied my
spirit as I attempted to complete the online EDD form from my home laptop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d logged in successfully!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d found my World Wide Web Official
history of existence and employment!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sooo</i> </b>on my way to
completing said form!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Only TEN more pages to go <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(after half an hour)</i> of confirming the
initial questionnaire that I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">indeed</i>
a US Citizen; no, I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not </i>involved in
Military Service; no, I’m <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i> a
primary share holder in a major corporation; nor I am not currently attending
school, nor am I an ‘illegal alien’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m
not yet a cybernetic Borg!),</i> when suddenly I found myself abruptly stymied
by Page Five regarding my income...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, I got paid by Sony
Pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I received multiple checks
from NBC Universal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But where was the
little computer online box to record that I haven’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">physically </i>worked on those shows for eight <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(or twenty)</i> years or even visited those Studios?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And where, oh where might I find a teeny
tiny two-space block wherein to reply that yes, I received income from a previous
on-camera performance on a cable show, wherein I was ostentatiously compensated
for the whopping amount of seven cents?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yes, that would be BEFORE taxes, of
course.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The US Government took three
cents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No joke!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite frankly, I was loathing this
whole Internet ‘meshugas’ once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so yet, with another defiant
“click THERE”, I shut down the computer and unplugged every cable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">are</i>
some battles that you just can’t win...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But by golly, this Pen would still
attempt to be mightier than the sword of the Megabyte, darnit!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So in true dramatic Hollywood fashion,
I went Postal!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wandering about my CPA’s website the
next day, I finally found a “Contact us! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Click here!” link <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(FFS)</i>; and promptly alerted the assistant via email that I’m still
a stead-fast Luddite; sans scanner, sans printer; and if they wished to
continue my yearly business since 1991, they would most necessarily
appropriately print out my designated paperwork and kindly forward said proper documents
through snail-mail.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(not particularly sure when I grew a set of menopausal metaphorical testicular
balls)</i>, I brazenly attempted to tackle the Unemployment Office via landline
all the way to Sacramento, CA to open a new claim with the EDD; as despite my
Bachelor’s Degree from an accredited University, I’m still apparently too phenomenally
digitally-stupid to accomplish the task on my own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do you have any disabilities?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I totally lucked out with the world’s most
patient Government employee “Sarah”, who gently guided me through the process
for the next forty-five minutes over my landline telephone.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Do I have any disabilities?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Umm... Would that include technological challenges?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Am I ‘disabled’ when my tablet suddenly
refuses to send an email, yet promises that all information is either stored in
an inaccessible outbox or on a “cloud”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or am I ‘disabled’ when my laptop opts to take a nap, and spins an
endless visual wheel cog whilst I sit for twenty minutes?) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I wear prescription glasses and occasionally
contact lenses”, I thought it best to confirm to Sarah, lest the Government
fine me an additional three cents.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(ever-so-reluctant)</i> appointment rescheduled <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(four times over)</i> as to the appropriation regarding the technological
up-grade of my landline and laptop to fiber optics<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>by a complete stranger re-wiring my bat-cave<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">, </i>I steadfastly ponied up the street for a chocolate shake <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(with whipped cream!)</i> and brought home a
Swiss cheeseburger with french fries to properly sturdy myself as to the
oncoming futile resistance...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, I wholeheartedly deserved
a reward as I’d accomplished a preliminary extraordinary week of tidying,
dusting, vacuuming - as well as Dirt Deviling obscure areas - and by all
accounts, I’d achieved the perfectly designed, properly desired, Hollywood façade
of successfully disguising my (in this case, “house-keeping”) less than-ideal
flaws.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And thus, sans the red carpet, sans
the paparazzi, I welcomed <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(fifteen
minutes of fame early!) </i>my very own Oscar into my Tinsel Town abode. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(OK,
seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What are the infinitesimal
odds that for the second consecutive year during the week of the Academy
Awards, The Universe presents me with an “Oscar” in a supporting role of
upgrading my home?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pinch my cheek, and
call me Meryl Streep!) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Spelunking with his bald (just like
the golden statuette!) bright head-light above his full beard (not at ALL like
the golden statuette, but very rock-n-roll Hollywood) as he explored every
cavernous nook and cranny of the clusters of my inner-sanctum dust-bunny walls and
closets in search of phone jacks, I sat rather anxiously on my pristinely
covered bed as my award-winning Oscar casually tossed half of his cable
equipment from the bowels of his service truck onto my comforter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(My
retinas are still burning from the visual assault upon my beloved Sanctuary...)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do you mind if I move your
dresser?” Oscar asked politely as he propped open a drawer and hefted my heavily-laden
firmly-implanted 1988 “Brobdingnagian” behemoth of a bureau away from the
wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Uck!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t even want to
THINK about what he might find lurking behind that particular curtain of Oz!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But two hours and forty-five minutes
later, having escaped the possibility of drilling a hole through the wall
behind one of my regal bedside lion sculptures poised upon its Corinthian
column, and with only a staple gun to secure my fiber-optic cable running from
an outlet in my hallway up and over the door, right through some seriously fierce
dust-bunny congregations (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hello?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who looks up there?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Had I known, I would have Swiffered!);</i>
Oscar firmly affixed and relocated my land-line to a better and more secure
location closer to my new (second) “wireless” computer modem.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkU3MjdCtKMfD-WNlIfQxJ4ERFvVddxzUiGNHimdnyXenFqUkaL8ATjpOOebltOijRmYZe-3_r1rrwlAkDGykrC1ZmqAwg1MEuWdouGTtC8-945JDyfd62H_wAvGVuUddNG55MeRtsnRKd/s1600/wireless.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkU3MjdCtKMfD-WNlIfQxJ4ERFvVddxzUiGNHimdnyXenFqUkaL8ATjpOOebltOijRmYZe-3_r1rrwlAkDGykrC1ZmqAwg1MEuWdouGTtC8-945JDyfd62H_wAvGVuUddNG55MeRtsnRKd/s1600/wireless.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Frankly, this Penny is rather uncomfortable
with “change” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(pun intended)</i>, but I’m
truly (slowly) attempting to adapt to the new Constitution of Technology.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Don’t get me wrong kind readers; I’m
certainly not racing out to purchase a smart phone any time soon as I’m still
ridiculously befuddled by the world of data plans, megabytes, fiber optics and
what-not; nor am I in any rush to leap into the baffling world of social
media.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(God love you all, but to each,
his own!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And granted, it totally sucked that
whilst loyally Luddite-ishly tearing out a crossword from a perforated Simon
and Schuster book of 300 challenging puzzles, I suffered a wee paper-cut on my
pinkie...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(TRAITOR!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But at least I managed to complete
all of my snail-mail tax forms, joyfully drive to the US Post Office, and with
Certified Mail ensuring my vitally secure signed-for delivery; my eventual
refunds shall be successfully processed and electronically deposited into my
checking account sans any further “Click Here!” promptings.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as to Oscar?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well, I’d like to thank the Academy
of fiber optics, as I just discovered that for the first time since 1988, I
have “call waiting” on my landline!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I
don’t yet know how to properly use this feature, but perhaps eventually I can
assimilate?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Forever bordering tentatively on the
collective Borg,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~One Penny of the Millions<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">P.S.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Logging on this morning, I was joyously surprised and happily overwhelmed
to discover that a similar post to this one (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that I published two years ago in January titled “OOOGH!”), </i>had
received over a hundred hits in just one day last week from somewhere in Europe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you, my fellow Luddites!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We shall neither be ashamed nor admonished
for feeling digitally-challenged!</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1i-tLiGAwIMlAORGioiPKdMJigkzmrSQ2rURlPovOt-HRkny13X8Tw-B2fEI6aeZqEwjUz3piJy4qozy2rD15rdcMa4slYGGON_wdVK-DaU-dH7obT6vqbCFHrfVhPDuokrWFmqDdoUO/s1600/Picard+as+Borg+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf1i-tLiGAwIMlAORGioiPKdMJigkzmrSQ2rURlPovOt-HRkny13X8Tw-B2fEI6aeZqEwjUz3piJy4qozy2rD15rdcMa4slYGGON_wdVK-DaU-dH7obT6vqbCFHrfVhPDuokrWFmqDdoUO/s1600/Picard+as+Borg+1.jpg" /></a></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-47897395031862521602015-01-20T18:58:00.000-08:002015-01-20T18:58:22.484-08:00Oh Bother...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> <img src="http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608043605775419722&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" style="height: 300px; opacity: 1; width: 300px;" /><span id="goog_501877170"></span><span id="goog_501877171"></span></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="color: blue;">“But
his arms were so stiff ... they stayed up straight in the air for more than a
week, and whenever a fly came and settled on his nose he had to blow it off.
And I think – but I am not sure – that <i>that</i> is why he is always called
Pooh.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>~A.A. Milne<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With the majority of my beloved
sit-coms down from production for the Holidays, I lumbered Penny-the-Pooh-like into
my yearly den of hibernation for a long winter’s nap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As Mother Nature commands before
such a state of metabolic inactivity, I’d fed shamelessly and relentlessly from
Craft Services on my last show, pawing and devouring as much free hearty food
as possible at every catered meal, complimented by the inhalation of a variety
of pies, cakes, cookies, cream puffs and brownies for desserts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(There were actual CREAM PUFFS!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And with my tummy nice and round for the
seasonal slumber, our last sit-com already picked up for another run (again –
no guarantee of steady employment for me), but never fearing that work will
always come, I did my best to ignore the creepy little canker sore under my
tongue...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“This is a prescription for an oral
paste” the gentlest Dentist whatever lived finished his butterfly-like inspection
of flitting wispily around inside my mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Just apply it with a Q-Tip at night, and it will form a nice barrier
for the sore to heal” he assured me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And fifty bucks later at the
pharmacy, he was quite right!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well, for a week or so...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Until...</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Waking up at 2:00am with bright red
spittle on my pillow and face, I “calmly” called the phone service to see just
when my Dentist would be available in the office that morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ll be there at 8:00am” I ever-so
professionally informed them, Spock-logically prepared for nothing more than maybe an
antibiotic, refusing to let my anxiety get the best of me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, I had plenty of time to
hop in the shower, put on some make-up, style my fabulous ponytail, select my
wardrobe and sit quietly for FOUR MORE HOURS.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh,
bother...<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But there were more tasks I could
achieve!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And rather than dealing with
the hooker who lives upstairs and parks behind my car, I pulled out a leopard
print change purse, and counting out quarters, I made certain that I had enough
bus fare for a ride to the Dentist (maybe two miles down the Boulevard), a
jaunt to the pharmacy if need be, a secure amount of coinage to ensure my
arrival home, and just to be on the safe side, an extra $1.75 for any error in metro
miscalculations if necessary.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additionally, I’d recently received
some sort of new-fangled missive from my Insurance company for ordering
prescriptions on-line (I think), but not knowing for sure whatever importance
the cut-out thingy might entail, I promptly pulled my wallet out of my purse
and added it to the Las Vegas hand of medical cards that I’ve been dealt of
late.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Did I win?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that a Royal Flush?!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #6600ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so I sat quietly and “calmly”
for another three and a half more hours.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">...OK, BLATANT LIE!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mouth was still full of bright red
spittle, my anxiety was peaking and I’d already begun to mentally write my last
will and testament!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Let’s have a look, shall we?” the
once again gentlest Dentist whatever lived used his gossamer fingertips to peer
as possibly unobtrusively at my newly formed multiple canker sores under my
tongue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh sweetie, I’m afraid you’re
going to have to see an oral surgeon...” he sighed despondently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Can you do that today?” he fretted, genuinely
rueful that he was unable to help me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes of course” I nodded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Bring him in here!” I cheered, already
exhausted from the morning and more than happy to just lay there like a lump.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, no, no, he’s in Beverly
Hills.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shall I call and see if he can
squeeze you in today?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“But, but, but, I came here by
bus...” I whimpered.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“He can see her right away!” someone
from the inner office piped up whilst holding the phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And thus Penny-the-Pooh was destined for yet
another unwelcome adventure...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a reliable cab company on the
contact list of my NOT-smart-phone, I piled into the taxi for a ride into the
zip code of the rich and famous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be sure, there exists a certain
amount of “entitlement” in Beverly Hills if you will, and perhaps my utter
fatigue had propelled my inner self-preservation to a higher level than I’m
generally accustomed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Why, I was literally chauffeured to
the surgeon’s office!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was hand-delivered to the building
by my driver!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And wallowing sanctimoniously in the
fact that I possess a credit card with which to scuttle my royal highness ass to
and fro, I unzipped my purse to compensate my charioteer only to discover that
my wallet was nowhere to be found...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><s><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh
bother...<o:p></o:p></span></s></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">FUCK!!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Please
forgive my obscenity, but sometimes, there are no more appropriate words.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(And thank God, that
my Mom always insisted that I hide a twenty dollar bill somewhere separate inside
my purse!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I don’t have my wallet with me” I
explained Un-Spock illogically to the oral surgeon’s receptionist, suddenly
panicking that perhaps my twenty gazillion pound wallet had somehow been
miraculously pick-pocketed during metro transit. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But here’s the card from my Dentist with his
notes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure that they can vouch for
who I am and my insurance” I mumbled, curling up most unpleasantly into a teeny
tiny ball of nerves in the waiting lounge.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But with the opening of the door,
and a rather officious “we have an appointment for him”, the matriarchal wife
indicated her rather annoyed husband in tow; oddly, I suddenly didn’t feel
quite so nervous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“May I please have his photo ID for
our records?” the receptionist asked pleasantly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Photo ID” the wife elbowed her hubby,
who harrumphed loudly at the entire intolerable process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m standing right here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take my picture if you need it” he
Spock-logically suggested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(My hero!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And having been led into a Dental
Chamber of Doom for whatever fresh hell awaited me, I couldn’t help but tune in
to the sounds of the nurses leading my Hero to a separate room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“How tall are you?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“How tall am I? I'm five foot four”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do you know your weight?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Of course I know my weight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can you tell me your weight?”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes I can” he snarked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What, do you need my shoe size too?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As luck or The Universe would have
it, I’m delighted to report that my wallet was indeed at home <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(*whew*)</i>, I was rescued by a friend who
was able to give me a lift back to my apartment <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(nothing like being stuck somewhere in the heart of Beverly Hills with only
eight dollars in your pocket, FFS)</i> and I’d even successfully made a
follow-up appointment with the oral surgeon for a CT scan and possible
surgery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as the surgeon was running hours
behind on my return visit with his paws in someone else’s gaping maw <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yikes),</i> the staff and I managed to
achieve two more tasks – one being my CT scan <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I don’t care how heavy that leaden x-ray apron is, I still almost
managed to Houdini my way out of the room!);</i> and two, being the successful
uploading of the movie “Airplane!” from Netflix onto a wide screen TV to keep
me cheerful!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Until...</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Muting the movie as “Dr. Giggles”
entered the room <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(someone really does
need to create a “sarcastic” font because the man has NO sense of humor)</i>; I
listened patiently to my prognosis and gaped in awe at the 360 degree pictures
of the insides of my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With a circle
and a swipe on the computer, my spinal column <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(well, my neck)</i> disappeared; another circle/swipe and my nose had
been erased <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(insert obligatory Hollywood
rhinoplasty joke here)</i> and with some fancy-schmancy finagling of every
angle of my teeth, Dr. Giggles confirmed my rather common condition of having
“Torus”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, I’m a Capricorn” I attempted
light-hearted humor; the response to which was nothing more than stoic
blinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Geez!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Talk about a tough
audience!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, apparently, “torus
mandibularis” is a bony growth in the mandible along the surface nearest to the
tongue which occurs generally on both sides of the lower part of the
mouth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s a simple procedure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll just slice open your gums and sand down
the bones.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait,
whaaat?</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You may also have an infected
tooth, but I won’t know for sure until I get in there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I have to pull it I will, but we’ll just
do a bone graft if need be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Okay, I must
go back to surgery now” he deftly tossed his latex gloves into a bin and
vanished into thin air as a nurse led me into an intimate consultation room.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Would you like to go over
everything one more time for clarity?” the nurse asked, as apparently my
pea-brain was sort of visibly spinning.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But with my insistence of the typing
of a signed waiver that my parents can call and ask any questions that they
need to; meticulous note-taking of all possible procedural activities; a rough
financial estimate of costs lest my insurance carrier doesn’t approve the
surgery, and somewhat calmed by the fact that nothing invasive would occur that
day <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’d ingested no food or drink for
eight hours lest I might be put under sedation)</i> I slurped down two bottles
of water in the office, contemplated a hearty (yet SOFT!) rewarding dinner for
my bravery and asked only two more questions.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So can you show me what Torus
surgery looks like?” I queried “calmly” as the nurse had already logged on to her
computer to print out my legal waiver.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p><img src="http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608005101383976440&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" style="height: 225px; opacity: 1; width: 300px;" /></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“NO, NO, NO!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t look at THIS page!” she squealed as I
nearly threw up in my mouth at the visuals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just a few simple stitches, warm salt water
rinses and you’ll be all better in just a few days!” she reassured me serenely.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK then” I Spock-logically regained
my composure after I stopped hyperventilating with my head between my knees.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m
not particularly proud of such moments, but we’re all human, and sometimes we
falter. Still, I choose to own these experiences, even if they’re not
necessarily the societal norm.)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No
bother” I nodded ever-so Penny-the Pooh calmly, supplicated by the nurse in the
Hundred Acre Woods of Beverly Hills. “So, last question just out of
curiosity?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Where does the bone graft
come from?” I wondered most innocently and secretively if there existed some
manner of unmentionable epoxy in “Area 51” that genius scientists had rendered
in a laboratory from aliens wherein of which one not dare governmentally speak.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, that would be from medically
donated cadavers”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait,
WHAAAT???</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><o:p>
</o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><o:p><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></o:p><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">According to my lifelong Fortune 500 Executive friend RJ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who blissfully shares my macabre sense of
humor)</i> and who was savoring a cocktail in a hot tub somewhere at a New York
casino, clearly I’ve been asking all the wrong questions...<o:p></o:p></span></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">“Do you get to select your cadaver?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Can you decide if you want a dead man or woman?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you get to know the person’s name?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d want to hand pick just who’s going to be
in my mouth” he asserted duly and forthwith.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“For the love of God, I had to special order the turkey chili for
dinner!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And what if they pour some dead
guy’s bones into your gums who liked sushi?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You don’t eat sushi!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">“True!” I chimed in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But I’d never
eat another meal alone for the rest of my life!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">>>><<<</span></div>
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<br /></div>
</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">To date of publishing this post, I’m holding off on the oral surgery
pending my insurance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And with the
approval of my oral surgeon that I’m permitted a soft <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(not just liquid) </i>diet of soup, I’m gnawing cheeseburgers once again
relentlessly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve too become an addict
of milkshakes from my local Fatburger (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">yes,
I DO want whipped cream on top, thank you very much!) </i>which entail 910
calories and 45 grams of fat and wicked delicious chocolate frothiness; but
with gauze in my mouth nightly so as not to irritate anything and lots of warm
salt water rinsing, I choose to believe I’m on the mend!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">As to the surgery, I suppose I will eventually have to have the Torus <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Tori plural?)</i> removed, but certainly
not without a second opinion and/or financial comparisons of oral surgeons who
are not located in the heart of the wealth of Beverly Hills. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Yipes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s an immediate ten dollar co-pay just to walk into the Suite!)</i></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #006600; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;"><o:p><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">And as to my beloved sit-coms, I’ve been pre-booked for a pilot on a cable
network, scheduled somewhere around the last week of February or beginning of
March; all hopes being that the Writers from one of my previous shows will find
great success and I can hop on their gravy train for a few years at my favorite
Studio!<o:p></o:p></span></span></o:p><span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: Times New Roman;"><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">As always, thanks for popping by kind readers, and I’ll do my best to extricate
my head from of the “hunny” jar and get back to writing more frequently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sincere apologies for not keeping you posted,
but sometimes, you just have to unplug!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">Wishing you all a prosperous and healthy New Year,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">~Penny-the-Pooh-Toothed-Bear<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
</div>
</span><br />
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<img src="http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608018050716927205&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0" style="height: 225px; opacity: 1; width: 300px;" /></div>
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</span><br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-15583812812030895892014-12-24T12:13:00.000-08:002014-12-24T12:13:28.858-08:00"Don't Speak", Quoth the Actor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBTd30yJ2I1YU4nvh4krqQRt6f8qRoLsjOK2c_NLlPL5Ra05T-tIWXMyOPe-LL00wcHduJf9Vz02Q635CLKziHZzXUn-BQ69NjpG3OZkk3ftmaDT4rtExtioK2FbWRBKFpg1tIOX4zhnUs/s1600/awkward.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBTd30yJ2I1YU4nvh4krqQRt6f8qRoLsjOK2c_NLlPL5Ra05T-tIWXMyOPe-LL00wcHduJf9Vz02Q635CLKziHZzXUn-BQ69NjpG3OZkk3ftmaDT4rtExtioK2FbWRBKFpg1tIOX4zhnUs/s1600/awkward.jpg" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having inserted quarters three times
over in a desperate attempt to score an icy cold can of “diet cola” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(that highly resembled a trademarked Diet
Coke)</i> from a vending machine on the back lot at a film studio on one of my first
days of work in Hollywood, I wasn’t about to back off my attempts at retrieving
said caffeinated beverage, despite the barely inaudible giggling of a rather
crusty Hollywood old-timer covered in paint who seemed ridiculously amused by
my misfortune.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You DO know that that’s just a prop
machine, young lady” he wheezed, snuffing out his cigarette on the sole of his
heavily treaded boot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes of course!” I nodded with all
due manner of tut-tutting and proper wrist-denials of ‘pshaws’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I may
have been fresh-from-the-turnip-truck naïve, but I was well-armed with a
plethora of extraordinarily arcane vernacular such as “pshaw” loaded for bear!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why, who could possibly be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">that</i> gullible?” I queried palms-up to
the painter as I sucked in my chin stupidly whilst bobbling my head
overly-dramatically (secretly searching for an ounce of dignity apparently abandoned
on the turnip truck).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I mean, duh?!” I think were the
last extraordinarily erudite words that tumbled unceremoniously out of my
mouth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yeesh.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Four and a half years of higher
education in the USA and abroad, and all I could come up with was “duh”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Humiliated?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Check.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“But, but, but, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“words”</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have always been my
“go to”” I explained Spock-logically decades later to a friend of mine who sat
ever so patiently waiting for me to temporarily shut the f**k up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Back in the day” I rambled on like
a finger-wagging point-making elderly geezer sans the paint on my clothes, “I
bonded with my very first Stage Manager who would shout out my name haphazardly
at any given moment, only to compare our answers in the daily crossword puzzles!”
I presented my puny plaint quite judiciously.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um-hum” my quiet listener replied
respectfully, rising up in a rally to meet my eye, yet sinking back into her
chair as I blathered on relentlessly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why, on one sit-com in particular a
decade and a half ago, I was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">blessed </i>with
the extraordinary power to call out to an actual <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Executive Producer for queries, who, by the
way, had an actual <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">personal assistant</i>
race up to the offices for internet access should the EP and I be baffled by a ‘variation’
of an arcane answer!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sure you did, prior to everyone
having a smart phone” my friend tolerantly placated me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And did I mention too, that not
only do my fellow multitudes of Crew members still solve crossword puzzles
today?” I continued self-righteously. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We
share a fiercely tacit understanding as to the complexities of deciphering
cruciverbalist constructions, wherein there lies a palpable accomplishment of
personal achievement without said digital cheating” I perfunctorily,
professionally and rather petulantly buttoned my ‘etui’.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Anything else?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I heard a snort; naturally assuming I was in
the beloved presence of one of my High Horses <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(although somewhat taken aback that one of my spectacular ponies
suddenly spoke English.)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as my High Horses tend toward maintaining an
aura of strength and silence <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(albeit the
occasional whinny)</i> when randomly appearing to arrive to my rescue, I
snapped out of my self-indulgent pity-party to listen patiently to the advice
of the acquaintance to my left who had obsequiously taken my hands as a measure
of comfort from a confidante.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Penny, I love you, but I’m just
going to say the thing you need to hear, and then you can hate me if you want
to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re a freaking open book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You tell people <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">everything</i>, and like it or not, people don’t really like that.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait,
whaaat?<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Everybody has their extraordinarily
well-protected dirty little secrets in this town, and you just <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">parade</i> yours around shamelessly like
it’s a freakin’ badge of honor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I
gotta say, your blatant openness <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">may</i> make
others feel, well, how should I put it, extremely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">uncomfortable</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000066; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so, once again, this “One Red
Cent Trying to Make Sense” was plummeted onto a crossroads, sans warning of the
possibility of an actual train wreck</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, having my relatively unknown
deep, darkened personal space on a Google blog location somewhere in the depths
of the Internet netherworld, I’ve always embraced this sacred place where I
could share thoughts, secrets and true personal honesty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Like every other humanoid toddling
about the planet I’m FAR from perfect, and quite frankly, I’ve become enthralled
by the camaraderie of absolute strangers visiting this page, who maybe too,
just suffered a totally crappy day and out of the kindness of their hearts will
send me an email from all over the world.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ergo, if I’m capable of bringing at
least a smile to one of you somewhere in The Universe, then by all means, I’m
going to fight for my voice here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However, as to my friend’s advice?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, for a solid month, I chose to shut the
f**k up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Not particularly an easy task for a blabberer like myself!)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000066; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #000066; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can you open your mouth any wider?”
Mimi, the Hygienist scrunched her forehead as I attempted to spindly weasel my
way toward the exit and out of the dental chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(What
can I say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an extraordinary gift that
I inherited from my Dad’s side of the family.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></i>“I can’t take the x-rays if you’re going to keep squirming, my
dear!” she offered patiently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Can you
just gently bite down here?” she asked pleasantly as I lost grip of the
instrument of the mechanical apparatus gauging my gums whilst Mimi trotted over
to the computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Okay then!” she chimed
happily to the Dentist, whom after one full hour, could only provide 13 of 18
successful x-rays.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Let’s have a look then, shall we?”
he smiled before pulling up his obligatory mask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Good hygiene, your gums are fine, no cavities,
your teeth are strong, bonding of veneers looks okay too, but you do have some
serious staining on the top right tooth” he nodded, creepy hook-shaped metal
gizmo in hand .<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You DO need a
deep-cleaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re plaque is 6
millimeters deep, and that’s a threat to periodontihominahah which entails
obligatory “scaling” and “planing” of the deep root tissue to prevent the loss
of blah, blah, blah, periodentihominaha...”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(I mentally processed absolutely <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">nothing</i> after eyeballing the crooked
tool shank...)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And just where do you think you’re
going?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he asked gently as I once again attempted
a desperate eel-like exit strategy half way down the chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Yes, yes, yes, I’m a bad patient.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sue me.) <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, here’s the list of everything
the Dentist suggested” the Office Manager delineated my statement, reviewing my
charts and providing me with the financial responsibility of my Insurance
carrier vis-a-vis my actual checkbook.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“As I’m officially unemployed over
the holidays, can we NOT buy the Cadillac before Christmas?” I asked,
negotiating my way into nothing more than the somewhat terrifying but necessary
“scaling”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Insert visual of catching actual fish off the pier at our lake house
where I grew up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blechh!)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdne5OnN8GkLfFArXQV6qw5xsYD6QOaoMOcU8eKIR_moKN9ftnk0UA9UeP6RZO28IXckeYe50HPIm81PcswWJhGNm8q7E4WVdvDMjdQp1vgVWoFlcK34S5sGUG7dS43hxaULx10kea1cKj/s1600/fish+scales.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdne5OnN8GkLfFArXQV6qw5xsYD6QOaoMOcU8eKIR_moKN9ftnk0UA9UeP6RZO28IXckeYe50HPIm81PcswWJhGNm8q7E4WVdvDMjdQp1vgVWoFlcK34S5sGUG7dS43hxaULx10kea1cKj/s1600/fish+scales.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes of course!” the Office Manager
beamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Just initial here, and here,
and here, and here and here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last
one is the nitrous oxide” he winked sublimely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“And by the way, there’s a ten percent discount if you pay in advance.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well slap my ass, give me happy gas
and call me Sally!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I suppose that hard-learned lessons
are a day-to-day experience.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">1.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve only had one quadrant of my teeth deep-cleaned, with my next visit
to the dental practice appropriated to the entire left side; scheduled to
endure <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>a two hour period of relentless
scraping.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">2.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Happy gas” is well worth the investment if you’re a spindly expert escapee
like me who can slide out of any medical chair, but they DO gauge the breather
bag thingy; and properly “pshaw” you if you don’t breathe entirely through your
nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I was soooo half out of that room before they caught me!)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Should you choose the nitrous oxide and topical numbing agent, be sure
to run a finger over your teeth four hours later after you think that you have
successfully gnawed your dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I myself
was surprised to dislodge an entire meal of kale salad with butternut squash
and sliced almonds, as well as a hearty portion of potatoes au gratin that I
thought I had adequately chewed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Additional note:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>whilst
kale salad may be extraordinarily beneficial health-wise, it’s just plain
creepy if it’s visibly dangling from a frontal incisor.<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Nevertheless!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was still quite intent at
repeatedly, professionally, keeping my mouth shut aside from extraordinarily
performing to the best of my ability at work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>With only two weeks left of guaranteed employment, I understood far too
well the importance of sharing my deepest, darkest secrets with only true friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>(Again, this was a difficult lesson for a
blogger, as words generally allow us to vent!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, no one bothered to
mention this to my moderately menopausal carcass, which quite literally has begun to speak for itself...</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure, my newfound activities
involved some surprising unpleasant bodily functions – the most surprising to
me being that should my allergies kick in with a random sneeze, so too does my
ass abruptly choose to fart in agreement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Awesome.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Where I once could have won an
Olympic gold medal for hard-core sleeping, I now find myself in an ongoing war
of night sweats, a constant battle of forever feeling cold, yet blasting my air
conditioning around 4am lest I give in and change my t-shirt for the third
time as I’ve become an award-winning sweaty puddle, emanating fantastic odors of my dinner the evening prior. ("Had some garlic last night, did ya, Pen?") (But I showered!!)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Excellent!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And despite laying wide awake at
any given hour listening to an infomercial recommending an actual nightgown for equally sweaty
ladies, I logged on to the poot, credit card at the ready, only to be assured
that the website didn’t actually exist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But Heaven forbid we should discuss such things!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The more I think about everything,
the more I feel the need to regain my Voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And so, despite some uncomfortable bullying in my tiny niche of the netherworld,
I’m choosing to officially take back this page on the internet. As I stated, I'm far from perfect, b</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ut by all means, I’ll keep writing
here so long as you ever-so patient visitors allow me to do so, and I cannot
possibly thank you enough for your kindness.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You needn’t report tomorrow, but you
must call again after 5pm yet before Midnight’ the automated server informed me
before clicking into a dismissive dial tone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;">And this is precisely why I love The
Universe and Its unfathomable Sense of Humor.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, kind readers, for this entire
week that shall encompass Christmas and my Birthday, I’m on call for Jury
Duty!!! (And before you need to ask, yes, I've stashed a crossword puzzle in my purse!)</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~Wishing you Happy Holidays and a very Merry Christmas, Juror P </span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span> </div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-17151106753529229362014-10-27T20:55:00.002-07:002014-10-27T20:56:29.882-07:00A Bloody Good Halloween Story: Part One
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSX9DQ_cT4Epo8z8QC8utq1EjVhnArTuy6mujw1VQrDtr8WAJ3sXzDVsApRrTcJ9mWDzBAAgmdtTOMf65d_2qoTBfNYKky1T31OXCs_8_jKZobUGr-eRTQVA4nunSoM_xMJ5Ks8YgcMNXX/s1600/skeleton+of+dread.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjSX9DQ_cT4Epo8z8QC8utq1EjVhnArTuy6mujw1VQrDtr8WAJ3sXzDVsApRrTcJ9mWDzBAAgmdtTOMf65d_2qoTBfNYKky1T31OXCs_8_jKZobUGr-eRTQVA4nunSoM_xMJ5Ks8YgcMNXX/s1600/skeleton+of+dread.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHAPTER I:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Waking the Dead<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your Aunt G could certainly use a
few days off from the Mortuary” my Mom fretted long-distance over the phone as
my fever continued to spike.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“She’s only
a couple of hours away, and I’m sure she’d be happy to come take care of you”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(EEK!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted I was a wee bit hazy from
the elevated temperature, but as the phrase “take care of you” may imply a cold
compress and a comforting cup of broth to most clans, in my Addams Family, more
than likely I was looking at a full-on road trip with my Aunt G in the Hearse,
casket with my measurements already on board, a lovely selection of satin
pillows awaiting my final consent to descend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll be fine!” I conjectured,
cranking on the air conditioner until I was a proper blend of cold and clammy;
an unnatural shade of gray washing over my face like a pall just in time for my
High Holy Holiday of Halloween.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hmm...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Did I thereby qualify for the roles of both ‘The Decedent’ AND ‘Pall
Bearer’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I digress!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be quite honest, I wasn’t
entirely convinced that I’d truly walk amongst the living ever again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would the postal carrier become frustrated by
the overflow in my snail mail box and eventually dial 911?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would ever-so-handsome EMTs break down my
door to strap me into a gurney as I sucked my last earthly breath?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if so, would I have the strength to daub
on a bit of makeup before being rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital where all of
the A-list celebrities seem to go to die?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>><<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*knock
knock knock*</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You look like Hell” my Midwest friend
Tina stood on my doorstep, hamburger bag in hand (acutely aware of the healing
powers of Cow).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m taking you to the
clinic” she asserted, passing me the beef as if its presence might at least
provide an modicum of comfort as I clutched Cow like a teddy bear.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can’t tie shoes” I whimpered,
staring down at my skull and crossbones pajama pants (with the festive green
palm trees!), refusing to budge without my verdant matching sneakers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Don’t
know why, but in my feverish state, Cow and I determined that this particular
fashion choice was non-negotiable.)</i></span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-4bGHyx0PBjfu7u9K_9-Sx5XKaq4PFikwAQ0Q08zdCDRHvhxsDjlM7TZhk1PJ3OpdqsCXCctxxMwZpFnorRKlLjv4Lw67oqnArVAu4Amgotbi_1tMCJNQtgzDDlo2ffW52hIF_CYoPzkG/s1600/chucks.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-4bGHyx0PBjfu7u9K_9-Sx5XKaq4PFikwAQ0Q08zdCDRHvhxsDjlM7TZhk1PJ3OpdqsCXCctxxMwZpFnorRKlLjv4Lw67oqnArVAu4Amgotbi_1tMCJNQtgzDDlo2ffW52hIF_CYoPzkG/s1600/chucks.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With my weight, blood pressure and
temperature taken (all a tad elevated that day), a lovely Phlebologist dressed
like a Supermodel clippety-clopped in her stiletto heels for a few vials of my vital
fluids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do you always dress like that
for work?” my friend Tina asked skeptically (Cow and I merely assuming we were
suffering from delusions).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, this?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No, I have an audition in a couple of hours!”
the practitioner beamed, temporarily blinding us with her Chiclet-white teeth.
“Now you may want to look away” she suggested helpfully <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yeah, like I could see anything after the ‘bleach party blingo’ in her
mouth),</i> under the guise that perchance I might be faint of heart at the
sight of blood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately however,
apparently SHE was the one infinitely most uncomfortable as she mercilessly poked
and prodded me like a toddler playing her first ever game of Pin the Tail on
the Donkey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I hope you get the part!” I offered
sincerely as the worst Phlebologist whatever lived clopped out the door,
leaving me wincing at the disturbingly monster-sized bruise developing in the
crook of my elbow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(“And call me if they need to cast the role of ‘Heroine Junkie in Skull
and Crossbones Pajamas’, FFS”, I thought.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now despite my friend Tina’s angelic
attempts to help keep my spirits up, the longer I sat in that God-Forsaken
room, the higher my anxiety levels became.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And picking mindlessly at a patch of dry skin my chapped lip, I suddenly
found my face spurting blood like a hemophiliac.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Here’s a tissue” lovely-but-useless
Chiclet-teeth gagged as the paper membranes stuck unpleasantly to my mouth like
mummy wrappings.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“A wet towel is best” another woman
jostled her way past, urging me to apply pressure to the wound.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I take care of this” a Doctor
suddenly appeared with gauze and a styptic pencil, dabbing at my face until a
large black coagulated lump appeared; an ugly blob which left me looking like
I’d barely made it through one boxing round with Mike Tyson.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I speak to you when test results are back”
he informed me smugly lest I sat unaware of his brilliance, his intuitiveness
and overall generosity for not performing a labial amputation. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We’ll just get a urine sample from
you now before you leave, and you can bring the rest of these items back
tomorrow” Ms. Wet Towel informed me, politely handing me a to-go goodie
bag.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Oh
boy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trick or treat!” I thought
happily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I hope it’s the good candy
like Snickers and not the cheap crap!”)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">While I’d not in fact been given any
Snickers, clearly The Universe was having a hearty chuckle at my expense; as
for the life of me <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you will)</i>, I
stood stupidly in my kitchen, unable to mentally process the utility of the items
before me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now granted there’s not much of a
formal dress code on the streets of West Hollywood (particularly around
Halloween and Carnival), but how on Earth was wearing a plastic cowboy hat with
only half a brim going to cure me of that which ailed me?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKLcjtZNt0bTKK1uvq1RoQQh4r9gMteyoo84xiWNMn_KUqn0e3-MUHUsm-GbBSkL3BZLJpXjxWDr3hZMULKxBOwnlACI9mxV5bBvLR3vcnJpPzEVO_x-iVUbTqTpiB7gu1h0Mo9PdNise1/s1600/not+a+cowboy+hat.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKLcjtZNt0bTKK1uvq1RoQQh4r9gMteyoo84xiWNMn_KUqn0e3-MUHUsm-GbBSkL3BZLJpXjxWDr3hZMULKxBOwnlACI9mxV5bBvLR3vcnJpPzEVO_x-iVUbTqTpiB7gu1h0Mo9PdNise1/s1600/not+a+cowboy+hat.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Regrettably, examining the
accompanying vile vials with the “TOXIC” labels and the enclosed instruction
manual, I learned far too quickly that whilst the Stetson may be one man’s
fashion choice in Texas, my “hat” was clearly designated for a, shall we say,
more southern destination – the mere thought of which immediately trussed up my
giblets like an uncooperative turkey on Thanksgiving Day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However, assuming that the worst of
my woes were over, and texting my friend Tina for a ride the next day (my fever
had broken, but I had no business driving just yet), I simply typed “the eagle
has landed”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And scuttling back to the
clinic with my “goodie bag” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(joke’s on
me!)</i> and the same God-Forsaken room, we waited ‘patiently’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you will)</i> for the benevolent Doctor
to grace us with his presence.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, “malevolent” would’ve
been a significantly more appropriate adjective, as I sat in a stupor whilst
Dr. “Ish-Kabish-I-AM-speaking-English” trampled all over my native tongue in an
attempt to explain my blood work, my mortally critical condition and my
perilously on-the-verge-of-death diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Had he his way, apparently I needed to be shipped IMMEDIATELY to a
facility in The Valley for weeks of observation, followed by extensive visits
to his colleague Internist Dr. “Tabouleh-Salad”, wherein I could theoretically
live out the rest of my pathetic life in Western Civilization under the thumbs
of a team of Middle Eastern “shah-men” intent on dressing me in draperies and
pelting me into submission with rocks until I subserviently agreed to whatever
the f**k else they could think of to hemorrhage my insurance carrier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whoa, whoa, whoa.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Did he say “The Valley?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Insert
blood-curdling scream!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHAPTER II:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Dawning of the Dead<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Blissfully back under the care of my
Chicago-born primary Physician <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(now that’s an accent I can
understand!)</i>, he admitted to being baffled by the
interpretation from Evil Dr. Ish-Kabish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Your cholesterol’s good, thyroid’s good, you’re not anemic; frankly
there’s nothing here to suggest anything other than you probably had the flu
and maybe some wicked menopausal hot flashes that kept you from eating right
and getting well” he handed me my clean bill of health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“In fact the only number which strikes me as
kind of low is your platelet count.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Meaning?” I inquired.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Eat more leafy greens and take a B-complex
vitamin with Folic Acid” he suggested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Platelets help to make your blood clot.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And just like that, my world made
sense!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No WONDER my lip had bled so
profusely!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why, I hadn’t eaten anything
green in probably three <s>years </s>weeks!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And as if The Universe wished me to be in on the joke, I couldn’t help
but laugh that with all of my vampirific tendencies of lurking about on
unemployed late nights, my monster bed lovingly named Vladimir and the fact
that for decades I’ve had a coffin as the centerpiece of my bat-cave’s décor,
OF COURSE my body had selected an appropriate albeit unusual malady!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I was
about to insert a blood-curdling scream of delight here, but until I ingested
some leafy greens, I didn’t wish to waste valuable platelets on “curdling” lest I needed to clot later.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHAPTER III:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Twilight of the Dead<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With an early morning appointment
set up for a couple of routine ultrasounds as a baseline for Dr. Chicago, I
polished off my daily salad (no Cow, but plenty of cheese!) and chilled out for
the evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I had been forbidden any
food or water 8 hours prior to the testing, I’d barricaded the refrigerator so
as to remind me should I sleepwalk for some refreshing H2O in the middle of the
night, and as I slurped my last sip at 1:29am, I curled up in Vladimir for a
relaxing, rejuvenating respite.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*sniffle,
sniffle, sniffle*</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And nonchalantly reaching for a
tissue, I innocently blew my nose as a warm stream of something very, VERY
wrong poured down my elbows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well, that
can’t be good” I surmised, stumbling into the bathroom for a look-see as oceans
of blood drained from my nostrils like a faucet without a stopper.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, but I’d had nose bleeds before,
so how bad could it be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More than
likely, one hearty blow and the irritant would be dislodged, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3399ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><u><strong>WARNING</strong>:</u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Those of you who are TRULY faint of heart at the sight of blood, need <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">IMMEDIATELY</b> scroll down past the photo
below.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...</span><br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqXGiTLdOgMyAJmk_NB3OLuySfWx1XnmpNr0_GzWy3Ho8DcGH8slvTLcn_xGUUMe6udpC1HCx1kLkPuJ6ha5KIsaJs05RTzU0MJfdlnuHzwCCOWN-S5UTsKs6XPuer0btPfwJ2__k9fCec/s1600/blood+clot+from+hell.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqXGiTLdOgMyAJmk_NB3OLuySfWx1XnmpNr0_GzWy3Ho8DcGH8slvTLcn_xGUUMe6udpC1HCx1kLkPuJ6ha5KIsaJs05RTzU0MJfdlnuHzwCCOWN-S5UTsKs6XPuer0btPfwJ2__k9fCec/s1600/blood+clot+from+hell.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Forcefully pinching my nostrils shut
with fistfuls of tissues and toilet paper, I managed to scrounge under the sink
for some old tampons – a nifty little trick I’d learned from an episode of “Sex
and the City” – and cramming a couple of Tampax up my nares, I was certain that
I’d fixed the problem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, saturating useless
tampon after useless tampon, each with its own gruesome dangling globule, I was
beginning to panic as the Tampax box was nearly empty, and the clock evinced
that I’d been hemorrhaging for a full 45 minutes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>EEK!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“911, what is the address you’re
calling from?” the lady on my landline inquired as shared my location and asked
if she might send over a Paramedic to assist me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You just sit tight Penny, and try not to
move too much” she spoke comfortingly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Try not to move too much?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I had a million tasks to tackle before I
could POSSIBLY allow strangers into my Sanctuary!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Remarkably, I had the presence of
mind to kick a rock under the security gate to prop it open (as well as slide
an area rug over a carpet stain); I too managed to remember to leave my door
ajar with the living room lights on (brushing away a cobweb); I’d already
pulled on my skull and crossbones pajama pants, but as matching verdant
sneakers were un-tie-able with only one hand, the laces needed to be tucked
into the shoes themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally,
I’d moved my purse with ID, cash, credit cards, proof of health insurance and
cell phone onto my coffin-table (and recycled an Amazon box so as not to be
deemed a ‘hoarder’), confirmed that my house keys were within reach, and
finally settling down in the bathroom to switch out my blood-soaked paper
towels <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yeah, “twice as absorbent” my
ass)</i>, I waved in the Firemen and Paramedics who wished me to meet them
halfway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“OK” I replied with a
muffle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But you’re going to need to see
this” I pointed to the carnage splattered all over my restroom like a scene
straight out of Hitchcock’s “Psycho”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just sit down here” a female voice
guided me by the elbow to a chair as I couldn’t quite see through all of the
red streaks on my glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m sure
it’s not that bad” she assured me as I twice challenged her choice to have me
lower my paper towels.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Okay, WOW, it IS
that bad!” she grimaced, immediately placing my hands back over my sanguine streaming
face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re going to have to take you
to the hospital” she announced, waving over two EMTs <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I couldn’t even see if they were handsome, darnit!) </i>to strap me
onto the gurney.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Where are we going?” I asked as the
rest of the life-saving team thoughtfully collected my purse and keys.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cedars-Sinai” someone replied.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Of course.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be continued...</span></i><span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-64757094670147334032014-10-27T20:20:00.000-07:002014-10-27T20:56:09.662-07:00A Bloody Good Halloween Story: Part Two<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZjlciTdnqw8dBYS0Sb7jFDOKf4E9OOqotqFnz_B5fFmvytWjozugCbUMFClBJvpccyFnC_-bMDs3k-WlgWm5dr6eOC5il_inzmmjjTzzcXMSM0eUZRvSF2IUsxs9BMfH_qwpCuSXdpGS/s1600/skeleton+with+bucket+of+blood.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbZjlciTdnqw8dBYS0Sb7jFDOKf4E9OOqotqFnz_B5fFmvytWjozugCbUMFClBJvpccyFnC_-bMDs3k-WlgWm5dr6eOC5il_inzmmjjTzzcXMSM0eUZRvSF2IUsxs9BMfH_qwpCuSXdpGS/s1600/skeleton+with+bucket+of+blood.JPG" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHAPTER IV:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Night of the Living Dead<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Still clutching a stack of paper
towels over my prolifically bloody nose, I continued to exsanguinate all over
my hands, arms and clothing as the EMT in the ambulance checked my vitals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Here’s a biohazard bag for anything that you
need to cough up, as we don’t want you to swallow any blood if possible” she
offered helpfully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Frankly, I didn’t
have the heart (or strength) to tell her that having already gushed like a
geyser for forty-five minutes before calling 911, I’d kinda already figured
that one out for myself.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What I also didn’t wish to share,
was that whilst ‘coughing up’ seemed to imply a conscious and willful act or
choice, I was helplessly at the mercy of the crimson globules which would form
at any given moment somewhere in my cranium, slither unpleasantly down toward my
throat and then discharge themselves out of my mouth without so much as a
warning ala God-fearing “Felicia Alden” (Veronica Cartwright) in “The Witches
of Eastwick”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjerY9oYzzOW_727mXn-xnekuuDm3rYAfAnYa_y6-KwTlAo5qdMe72ILr4stQYQ-z7hoUvKsnXehDSwXYzZ5WTnJOzIUaQkg967aQS4SfdpRBWPF6Fwaxbp2ujSnMg-OefL738yFBv16Pmi/s1600/witches+of+eastwick+cherries.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjerY9oYzzOW_727mXn-xnekuuDm3rYAfAnYa_y6-KwTlAo5qdMe72ILr4stQYQ-z7hoUvKsnXehDSwXYzZ5WTnJOzIUaQkg967aQS4SfdpRBWPF6Fwaxbp2ujSnMg-OefL738yFBv16Pmi/s1600/witches+of+eastwick+cherries.jpg" /></a></div>
<span id="goog_945697416"></span><span id="goog_945697417"></span><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*bloop*</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But gently guiding me into a private
cubicle, helping me change out of my blood-soaked t-shirt, and rinsing off my
glasses so I could see her face, I was comforted by the smiling lady who
informed me that whilst there were three patients ahead of me, there were also
three Doctors on the floor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It
shouldn’t be too long now!” she reassured me, replacing my brimming biohazard
baggie of viscous chunks with a clean one, and setting the first aside on a table
for what I could only assume was to be analyzed, weighed and shipped to
Ripley’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Believe it or Not!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can I ask you a quick question?” I
wanted to know before she disappeared to assist what sounded like a screaming
gun-shot victim in the lobby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Is all of
this gunk ‘normal’?” I wondered, as whilst I’d been cursed with the crimson
‘cherries’ for over two hours, my sinus cavities now seemed to be sculpting
slightly more elegant and elongated maroon vesicles.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">*blooooop*</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why yes!” she responded encouragingly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“That’s your body’s normal, healthy
response.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’re simply clotting.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Oh,
the IRONY!)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With various nurses and orderlies
traipsing in and out of my room to replace my towel or washcloth as they became
saturated <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yes I was pinching my nostrils
the entire time, but my hands were getting shaky and I occasionally lost my
grip)</i>, I had just finished filling up Ripley’s biohazard bag #4 when the
Doctor finally arrived at 5:44am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
having a nurse squirt something medicinal up my nose, I marveled that all of a
sudden the gushing had completely ceased!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(For those of you working the math regarding the duration of my deluge,
I bled from exactly 1:29am to 5:44am – almost the exact equivalent of the time
it took my friend Rose to run a 26.2 mile marathon.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“We’ll need to keep you under
observation for a while of course, and if you start bleeding again, we can put
some packing in there and see how you do” the Doc nodded, making a notation in
my chart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Try to get some rest and
we’ll check on you in a bit” she smiled as my eyes were already closing from
sheer adrenaline and exhaustion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, that can’t be comfortable!” I
heard a nurse laugh, as since my adjustable bed had been left in an upright “L”
shape, I’d managed to cat-nap in a fetal position on the flat half of the
mattress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would you like me to level
that out for you?” she grinned as I stared bleary-eyed at the clock.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Nearly 7:30am.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Actually, I was hoping to be
discharged <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yes, poor choice of word)</i>
as soon as possible, since I’d still like to make my appointment at 9:30 for a
couple of ultrasounds completely unrelated to THIS” (I ‘wax-on, waxed-off’ my
hands in front of my face for dramatic effect).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, I’d arrived in an
ambulance, I had no transportation, I had zero clue as to my whereabouts in the
massive facility (I might as well have been at a random terminal in Chicago
O’Hare International Airport, FFS), my clothes were covered in blood, and quite
frankly I wanted to poop in my own toilet!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ll get your paperwork started,
but you definitely need to follow up with an ENT” the Emergency Doc
recommended.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I have a great rapport
with a colleague across the street, so let me make a call” she smiled, breezing
out of the cubicle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, as 8:30am rolled around,
a nurse reappeared to check my vitals as I sat anxiously on the edge of the
bed, purse already in hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh dear,
your pulse is racing” she fretted, trotting off to inform the Doctor who
demanded that I lay down flat and be hooked up to an IV for another forty-five
minutes, as apparently I’d “lost a lot of blood”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Ya
THINK?)</i> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Suffice it to say, “discharged” at
9:30am (of course) and looking <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>very much
like one of the globules that had slithered out of my mouth all morning, I
oozed out the exit to the Registration desk where the sunniest receptionist
whatever lived attempted to chat me up with all manner of “good mornings” and
“how’s your day?” before bilking me out of $100 co-pay for using the Emergency
Room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(How’s my DAY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look up from the
computer, lady!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And as an official-looking
gentleman pointed me to a free telephone with two cab companies on speed dial,
I sat outside the famous Hospital waiting for my ride, never more grateful in my
life to NOT be an A-list celebrity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">CHAPTER V:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Day of the Dead<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Rolling directly from hospital to
cab to clinic for my ultrasounds, still clad head to toe in my Jackson Pollack
masterpiece splatter-wardrobe with fashionable matching Emergency Room plastic
ID bracelets and taped-up cotton ball in the crook of my elbow, I was greeted
most unpleasantly by the antithesis of the world’s sunniest receptionist
whatever lived, who merely scowled at me for missing my first appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’ll let them know you’re <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">finally</i> here” she said judgmentally as
though I’d intentionally run late due to a fabulous morning at the spa.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But welcomed by the kind Radiologist
who made me feel at ease by laughing at what must have already been a “very
busy day” for me, I laid down quietly as she lubed me up with jelly for my
pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re all done here with both
ultrasounds” she smiled fifteen minutes later as she handed me a towel to mop
up with. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s it?” I questioned the
simplicity of the procedure, taking one swipe with the cloth in utter disbelief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I can really go <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">home</i></b>?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I confirmed, a small tear welling up in my eye
at the thought that my nightmare had finally ended.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Go home, Penny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Get some sleep!” she pleasantly ushered me out
the door as the warm LA weather wrapped its rejuvenating rays of sunshine
around me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Home... home...home...” I whispered
the word over and over, reaching for my keys to hop in my car and drive back to
the comfort of my... <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">CRAP!</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, having come this far on my
hellish journey, I’d be damned if I’d give up on myself at that point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And eyeballing a bus bench across the street
at the corner, I lit up a cigarette and heroically strode tall to the
pedestrian crossing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was brave!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was fearless!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could achieve anything I set my mind to!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, I was also walking braless
in a medicinal ointment clingy dried-blood soaked t-shirt directly towards a
group of Orthodox Jewish gentlemen in black coats and hats who were gathered
together in front of their local Synagogue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aww,
C’MON!!!<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whilst I appreciated the immediately
averted eyes and intoning ‘mitzvahs’ of the sons of the Tribes of Israel
looking out for my uncleansed immortal soul, I chose to proceed a bit further
up the street to a Bank of America ATM wherein I could grab some extra cash for
my final cab ride home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What’s the
exact address?” the taxi service wished to know as I lowered my cell phone and
approached an already occupied teller.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I need the precise location of this
branch” I whispered urgently, not wishing to bother the patron, but quite eager
to be on my way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Right here, right here, right here!”
the man behind the bullet-proof glass squealed, eying my clothing and flinging
a business card into the drop slot cooperatively, surmising that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">clearly</i> my previous bank heist of the
day had not ended on such agreeable terms. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Returning at last to the sanctuary
of my bat-cave, I noticed for the first time that the Fire Dept. had secured my
location by turning on every single light in the house, presumably to confirm
that I hadn’t been secretly concealing the presence of an abusive
boyfriend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I too noted the exquisite
horror in the light of day at the massive amounts of spattered blood on the bathroom
mirror, as well as the embryotic-looking globules clinging to my sink like a Jell-O
mold.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">hadn’t</i> noticed until after I cleaned up however, was the innocent
blink of a voice message on my cell phone...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi Penny, this is Renee at Dr. ‘Ears
Nose and Throat’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your emergency room Doctor
gave us a call, and we’d be happy to squeeze you in today at 4:15.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See you then!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Say
it with me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Aww, C’MON!!!)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But hey, what’s a bloody good Halloween
story for, if it doesn’t end with a couple of red hot cauterizing pokers up the
nose?!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you buckets of happy
Halloween treats and proper blood-curdling screams,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span>Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-74367446419833135202014-09-06T23:31:00.000-07:002014-09-06T23:31:13.146-07:00The Discombobulated Diagnostics of Delving into the Depths of my "Should" Disorder<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNuye_scEqHkTAK4SV2WQ2_vT9qgVtKYWX750YJC7478ebt_UclnWgi3yHqjX_I2Hw8HWBJbBxbCMvueQNKRYOCc_EuHYI2KCx9AXxkKPM2cpw7RNmaZH8pa2Y53GO5-IwCp36TqWaTYT9/s1600/wishing+well.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNuye_scEqHkTAK4SV2WQ2_vT9qgVtKYWX750YJC7478ebt_UclnWgi3yHqjX_I2Hw8HWBJbBxbCMvueQNKRYOCc_EuHYI2KCx9AXxkKPM2cpw7RNmaZH8pa2Y53GO5-IwCp36TqWaTYT9/s1600/wishing+well.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">“You should definitely get a grilled cheese
sandwich on Melrose at Greenspan’s” my friend Dev proffered most helpfully as
to our upcoming weekend down time.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“When?”</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
I asked quite sincerely, as all thoughts of abandoning four days of solitude in
my bat-cave seemed utterly preposterous and ever-so out of the question.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Why, on Saturday of course!” Dev most verily
prattled ala Cary Grant, as Dev apparently rolls smashingly fabulous out of bed
all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with perfect hair and glistening teeth on any
given day.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hmm...”</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
I festered, scrunching up my nose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So,
I would have to put on make-up?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And pants?”
I queried skeptically with a baffled tilt of the head, ever the eremite
embracing quietude, boxer shorts and a comfy Humane Society t-shirt on my
beloved solitary weekends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s just down the street from where you live,
darling” <s>Cary Grant</s> Dev nodded.<s> </s><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">“Pants<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">... </i>Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>You want me to put on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">PANTS?</i>” I uttered again, completely aghast and ridiculously incapable
of wrapping my pea-brain around this most alien idea of traipsing about on a
weekend in pursuit of this quest for Hollywood cheese.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: blue;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s only $3.25, and it’s delicious!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You really should definitely go!”<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;">“If you were on Facebook Penny, I’m sure you would
be nominated to take the ALS challenge and dump a bucket of ice water on your
head!” I was informed by friends as I stood rather bluntly incognizant in my
tiny cable network pocket.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;">“You should <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">sooo </i>be on Facebook!” I was badgered
relentlessly by even non-Hollywood friends, as if my world were somehow incomplete in the eyes of others, and <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i></b>
was the bad guy for <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">not</i></b> wasting water amidst a three year drought in California.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">So tell me again, this helps who, how?</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;">Now please forgive my inherent stupidity, but can at
least one person kindly explain to me how this tom-foolery works?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there an all-watching Facebook Mafioso-esque
Overlord who monitors these “nominees” and sends Joey Pepperoni aka “The
Enforcer” to collect due monies for this worthy cause?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #38761d;">And if I’m to understand these online usury shenanigans
correctly, if you don’t accept the ice-bucket challenge, you have to pay $100?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WTF???</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite frankly, I refused to be bullied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Harrumph.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple;">Once again <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(as so often occurs in my attempts to make
sense of the world)</i>, without so much as a side-mouthed “click-click” or a
whistle, there stalwartly appeared by my side, one of my beloved High Horses
snorting his hot breath on my neck; forever at the ready to give me a hoof up
into the saddle. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple;">And taking the reins without so much as bothering
to acknowledge which chivalrous equine from my noble stable had ironically come
to rescue <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">me </i>(hint to my loyal
readers who know my fine stable, there appeared a shockingly wild mane of stark
white hair)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,</i> I stuck to my personal
values and chose instead to hand-write a check to one of my favorite Animal
Rescue sites.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: purple;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now before you all huff and puff at me, please
know that whilst ALS is a very worthy cause, social media does not have power
over personal choices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this just
bloody irritates the crap out of me that someone will feel the pressure to be
“Liked” on Facebook and risk death for notoriety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fat lot of good you’ve done for a charity
there, smarty-pants, for bullying people into submission and a casket.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But I digress!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">“Whoa, whoa, Einstein” I patted my High Horse on
the flanks comfortingly as he pranced about haphazardly; immediately
recollecting why I’d chosen the name in the first place. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Some people rescue purse-fitting, shivering Chihuahuas and then dub
them with such absurd titles as “Thor” or “Tank”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My High Horse du jour happened to be titled “Einstein”,
and YES, he’s not really very smart...)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Yet thus, with a clear conscience of resolving the
“Should” Disorder, temporarily disencumbered for the day by donating to a
worthy cause that doesn’t threaten my sheer existence by ice water on my
fabulously fierce ponytail, I continued to prance about the day all hoity-toity
on my High Horse.</span> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Whilst my charitable purchase looks very glamorous
“Chanel-ish” for a mere $24.95, I’m comforted by the acknowledgment that my humble
contribution provided 28 bowls of food for shelter pets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I may
no longer be blessed with the “earthly presence” of my heroic feline sidekick
“Pretty” guarding my tail, but I still have the occasional ability to assist
her unfortunate fellow four-footed rescued friends with small financial
“earthly presents”.)</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: cyan;"><span style="color: blue;">“So how does this ‘hand-car-wash’ system work?” <s>Cary
Grant</s> my friend Dev asked me</span> </span><span style="color: blue;">inquisitively, forever the debonair gentleman
born of another era wherein refrigerators are still called “Frigidaire’s”, tin
foil is respectfully distinguished as proper “Reynold’s Wrap”, and precocious
children Cast members are categorized as being “a caution”.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;">
</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">“Oh, it’s so EASY!” I rallied valiantly astraddle
Einstein – obviously two phenomenally brilliant creatures with all the answers
to The Universe for anyone who wished to tap into our collective geniuses.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Smash cut to the back story.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #93c47d;">Having battled the parking wars of Hell with the
prostitute upstairs who shares our tandem car space, I’ve finally given up the
ghost and succumbed to being bullied by her obliviousness regarding the
importance of whenever I need my car. <o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #93c47d;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #93c47d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as I absolutely REFUSE to be late to work lest
the hooker park me in EVER AGAIN (as she’s done on multiple weekends, choosing
to gad herself about the town all “willy-nilly”) (if you will), I’ve resorted
to parking on the street wherein my dearest Cecilia (my 1997 Toyota) has been
repeatedly abused by the armies of Charlemagne as debris, icky-sticky flowers,
trees and birds assault her most vehemently on any given morning or night.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Smash cut to present conversation.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">“Why, I use the hand-car-wash about once a week!” I
acknowledged all confidently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You
should definitely try it!” I purported, ever the sage upon my High Horse.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">EEK!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">And there it was...<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The word “should” had erupted out of my mouth.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Like a bubble drawn in the funny pages of printed
comics, it just hung there: thriving in its own balloon like an ominous dark cloud
as I immediately clamped two hands over my mouth in a panic.</span> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQ9KkjRZz56miberBJyUUFIWv5HfDoJybFmVDOnfXZZOpemvGdppS7Z1J85PIRHq7heGsQMfEiZJY88zlOcdQHNWsCMgZDXgdB1h1SeSe0nIjAA9Vtf3AlAP5iYnCmVb8v_T3Z43cCqMR/s1600/cartoon+swear2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQ9KkjRZz56miberBJyUUFIWv5HfDoJybFmVDOnfXZZOpemvGdppS7Z1J85PIRHq7heGsQMfEiZJY88zlOcdQHNWsCMgZDXgdB1h1SeSe0nIjAA9Vtf3AlAP5iYnCmVb8v_T3Z43cCqMR/s1600/cartoon+swear2.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple;">And thus, with the awfully uttered “should”, I’d most
unintentionally sealed my unfortunate Fate for the day...<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Entering a crisp five dollar bill into the change
machine, I collected the tinkle of currency as I attempted to blast the
bejeezus of blossoming fauna which had so brazenly assaulted my Toyota.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, I was a guru at the car wash!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">My father taught me at an early age how to
manipulate and control the washy-thingies; when to adjust for the proper
scrubby-brushy utensil-armed-doo-dad, and how to click on the final rinse to
compensate for the gentle cleansing wax!<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;"></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Yet most uncomfortably navigating Cecilia and my
very stupid pony Einstein into a stall for a bath, the three of us were a
ridiculous metaphorical trio; the likes of which should’ve stood at least a
tiny chance betwixt all our ‘brain-iosity’.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">“It’s but a dollop of soap on my watch” I
confirmed to Horse and car after the scrubby brush tool shat unpleasantly all
over my arm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let’s just rinse this off”
I nodded, accidentally clicking on the monster power wash water dial.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">“Hmm...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Blue denim jeans and red canvas Keds shoes” I sighed, feeling very
“Gilligan-esque”; ever-so unable to bail out the “S.S. Minnow” as the water
poured in a torrent from the kinky tubing of the spray gun.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple;">“30 seconds” the machine pinged a helpful notification
as I stood in the stall, head to toe soaked to the core, my horsey and
automobile none the worse for wear.</span> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Whilst I’d never heard of this particular disease
before, I just might have to pull out my checkbook once again...<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">For those of you unfamiliar with PLMD, may I share
the following article to Columnist Dr. Anthony Komaroff from August 22, 2014 in
a Los Angeles newspaper?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #76a5af;">“Periodic limb movement disorder (PLMD) causes
people to kick and jerk their arms and legs throughout the night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In PLMD, leg and arm muscles may
involuntarily contract hundreds of times a night.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You may not be aware of it, but a bed partner
probably will be.”<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(But
wait, there’s more!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #76a5af;">“Unless a bed partner complains, people with PLMD
are often oblivious to their movements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>They may wake up baffled at why they feel exhausted despite getting what
they thought was a full night’s rest.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Good
heavens!</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmm...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Perhaps I “should” retire some of my High
Horses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, apparently innocent
sleepers are being beaten senseless just trying to catch a few Z’s whilst I’m
trotting about on my judgmental ponies...<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">And perhaps I “should” join a social media
network, wherein hoaxes of people’s “deaths” are bandied about like badminton
shuttlecocks with no respect or regard to human bereavement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yeah,
that’s never gonna happen.)</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"></i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwePDf08Xp0Ln4yPBXCY0UDitdDziMFWubGvVybmfl-7dh1F-WzL9C4dgExiGUg7m-sGF0HmiZT8f7R1U5EC2gPfUW3J73uL6IcWRvNPrgCgv3GEFDT9jm4gRKZT6sUjSE6RCR2fLCpxs0/s1600/Dennis+Haskins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwePDf08Xp0Ln4yPBXCY0UDitdDziMFWubGvVybmfl-7dh1F-WzL9C4dgExiGUg7m-sGF0HmiZT8f7R1U5EC2gPfUW3J73uL6IcWRvNPrgCgv3GEFDT9jm4gRKZT6sUjSE6RCR2fLCpxs0/s1600/Dennis+Haskins.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span> </div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">(Recent reports of my very first Actor/Mentor
Dennis Haskins were overly distributed, but as to my email from him tonight, I’m
delighted to report that he’s just fine!)<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">So, “should” I have gone to a regular car wash
with professionals?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Should” I have NOT spent $21.99 for the world’s
greatest wallet whatever lived?</span><br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKMtSiPqRV2DPrsrOSoQhbQov8Y6y58mgjBkasXnyH3Y-yufDKQDSh1JbaRca9s4IVZ89c5LCWKY4bpe8LkxqFXjn-pTADmKNFYLqIn51epZA7vZgyEMBHVPEBmGvqHsFluuFHifwvWOx2/s1600/skull+wallet.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKMtSiPqRV2DPrsrOSoQhbQov8Y6y58mgjBkasXnyH3Y-yufDKQDSh1JbaRca9s4IVZ89c5LCWKY4bpe8LkxqFXjn-pTADmKNFYLqIn51epZA7vZgyEMBHVPEBmGvqHsFluuFHifwvWOx2/s1600/skull+wallet.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Personally I think that at the end of the day, all
the intimidating, unnecessary bully “should” words, “should” be let go.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">But not quite before <s>Cary Grant </s>my friend
Dev sent me the following link, from “Move Over, Darling” (a 1963 film, starring
Doris Day and James Garner) which he thought I should appreciate:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(You may need to view this on an actual
computer, as some hand-held devices may not be compatible.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Brilliant!</i><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Tossing a happy coin of peace and contentment into
whatever your chosen watery wishing well may be,</span></div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;"><o:p><a href="http://youtu.be/IK_PLJZeLW4">http://youtu.be/IK_PLJZeLW4</a></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-78632653495915830572014-08-10T18:01:00.000-07:002014-08-10T18:01:44.580-07:00Chickens for Everybody!<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QaiSYzEcdYW-a60ChQFKM7YVsH8z1eSoiF-3exLHi5uj9VoY-h5ghSTK3zc7Kqn9-Pq0VsaeRCxe_UdGu7kK_PiZBGDZx-TveEZB_4d7zTqdLX_VZCs7j8kLMJIsYJv_hhudu-CzoU-G/s1600/chickens.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QaiSYzEcdYW-a60ChQFKM7YVsH8z1eSoiF-3exLHi5uj9VoY-h5ghSTK3zc7Kqn9-Pq0VsaeRCxe_UdGu7kK_PiZBGDZx-TveEZB_4d7zTqdLX_VZCs7j8kLMJIsYJv_hhudu-CzoU-G/s1600/chickens.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Bundled up in three layers of
clothing underneath my winter woolen long coat and turquoise knitted scarf as I
observed my fingers once again turning purple, I marveled at our cable network
lady who stood idly by, clad in nothing more than Capri pants, open-toed sandals
and a sleeveless top amidst the Siberian conditions, as she most casually
checked the social media on her phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">OK, so maybe she was having a
menopausal hot flash <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I can relate!)</i>,
but to demand that the stage be freezing to the point of an entire crew’s
discomfort beyond the usual frigidity seemed a wee bit cruel.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet having been vampirifically invited
across the threshold by the Producers <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(most
Stand-Ins are by nature warm-blooded mystical creatures, but there exists
strict limits as to our accessibilities) </i>to once again attend a Table
Reading in “The Lucy Bungalow” (!!!), I couldn’t have been more pleased to be
sat off to the side for a miniscule part of delivering one line, which
(blissfully!) was received with the genuine warmth of laughter. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hey,
all due credit must be given to the Writers – I’m just a vessel.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But what truly startled my ‘barometric
pressure’ that afternoon (and most certainly unnoticed by anyone else in the
room), was a slight-of-hand magic trick that almost made me say “Oooh!” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Mere moments before we began the
cold read of the script, our network cable lady dropped down into her
designated chair (a foot or so to my right), still most focused intently on her
phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet in the blink of an eye (without
even looking up!), she managed to magically snatch up her folded paper name
placard away that was apparently a few inches too close to my menial existence.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Is <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>this</u></b> your
card?!?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WOW!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as I’ve been informed by popular
culture <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(well, the movie “Spiderman” was
on free TV a few weeks ago)</i>, “with great power, comes great
responsibility”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as I’m certain that the cable
lady bears a terribly heavy load to deliver a successful show to her network, I’m
content to disappear back into Siberia on stage, embracing the warmth of our
Crew and whatever low-budget Hollywood magic we may create. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Thank you for your order!” the website
replied – a scheduled due date of arrival approximately a month and a half
later.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wait,
what???<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Neither confirming nor denying that I
may have possibly consumed a ‘small’ quantity of alcohol that Friday evening
when I randomly clicked on an item, I sat rather baffled that in this day and
age, ANY item on the World Wide Web could possibly require so much transit
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But what the heck! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was well on my way of mentally creating my
very own Network <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I call it “PNN”)</i>,
where I’ll only be willing to hire a handful of trusty Directors; sound stages
shall be left to AD’s discretion as to appropriate temperatures, and
four-camera sit-com Stand-Ins would earn a MASSIVE wage increase for having to repeatedly
perform all of the work that the Actors do!<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0066ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I shall wield my eventual power
with great gentleness” I vowed solemnly, wisely and vodka-logically in the
comfort of my Sanctuary. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“By golly, I’ll
glad-hand and make eye contact ala George Clooney with every Crew member that I
hire!” I postured confidently and ever-so generously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And never shall I snatch and grab my name
placard!” I concluded venerably.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Hey, it was a Friday night. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allow me my brief delusions of grandeur.)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cowering most nervously in the
presence of the hand-stamped package in my snail mail box sent from the Ukraine
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(where was my Clooney bravado to be found?)</i>
I wasn’t quite sure as to National Security proper protocol...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span id="goog_1492860904"></span><span id="goog_1492860905"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Should I contact the CDC for
prevention of possible airborne diseases?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Would I need to phone the FBI, the CIA, or NSA?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or at the very least, would I require a gas
mask and a proper body-scrubbing by strikingly handsome EMTs with six pack abs?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Well,
a girl can dream!) <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Fantasies aside, I left the package
unattended on my coffin table for two days.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, just looking at the stamps,
I’m guessing you probably fed an entire village somewhere in the Ukraine” my
friend April offered optimistically as we shivered on stage once again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Chickens for everybody!” I chimed
in agreeably, secretly hoping that indeed my simple on-line purchase <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(maybe $21.00?)</i> from a fair trade market
might have warmed the hearts and hearths of anyone else on the planet that also
happened to find themselves with icy cold purple fingers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: purple;">“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so what did you
order?” I hear you, my kind readers asking as I type.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">May I please introduce you to (as
specified) the “8.7 regular size Cigarette Holder long wooden Audrey Hepburn
style”:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh, it’s so AWESOME!!!)</span></i><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And in my due diligence as a future
CEO at “PNN” where everyone will be appreciated for their kindest contributions
to whatever tasks they perform, I so too wished to thank the Artisans for their
lovely craftsmanship, inquire as to what care should be taken, and seek out the
details of my lovely “Cigarette Holder long wooden Audrey Hepburn style” accoutrement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Not so
easy, as the return address label was printed entirely in Cyrillic.)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet you have to love the World Wide
Web as I was actually able to contact the vendor, and have thus received the
following reply:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hello.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“The mouthpiece is acrylic, middle part made of
beech wood and brass tube on the edge.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“To clean inside you can use this type of tobacco
pipe cleaners: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Insert
lengthy helpful http link)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Also it can be polished anytime with soft cloth
to preserve it in original condition.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That is all.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Thank you, Ivan”</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcpDbweqRN_6KuT1FVRkTV5IL9CosR6s3v3p-BByei8lPKvnuhDE2BZgIYomAagTrozyuknW4Z8V6eiQ-d0hFaea1yc4y3DvZdhb3s2Au2IeJ3UdszaDfkL51CXV3r93fI33OG7fnN7kl1/s1600/Ukraine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcpDbweqRN_6KuT1FVRkTV5IL9CosR6s3v3p-BByei8lPKvnuhDE2BZgIYomAagTrozyuknW4Z8V6eiQ-d0hFaea1yc4y3DvZdhb3s2Au2IeJ3UdszaDfkL51CXV3r93fI33OG7fnN7kl1/s1600/Ukraine.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(Not an actual photo from Ivan mind you, just my mental picture, and yes from the Ukraine.)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Frankly, I suppose I’ll never have
great power <em>(or warmth aside from the occasional hot flash, FFS)</em> until I win the Lotto and get “PNN” up and running, but blissfully,
nor will I have great responsibility to that end.</span><br />
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And for now, as I re-pack my heavy
winter woolen coat and gloves to prepare for Siberia once again this work week,
I’m taking solace in the thought that I shall be received with warmth and
comfort by my Crew.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But just between us, kind readers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I think the beech wood wand chose
me.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">(Wow, I REALLY need to stop watching "Spiderman" and “Harry
Potter” marathons!!!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">May your barometric pressure be
pleasing to you this week,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
</div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-87415401363657017792014-07-22T22:07:00.000-07:002014-07-22T23:46:38.627-07:00A Fractured Fairy Tale<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz5L2vn3eCGzjVkQzJYPhPLDmDNEPUYH5UUz89FrtSjtD3lkDQGd4_rTgid6DFroHC1ExISPGQTgEDkBjYb8vFBCk9bF_rJz9hXZ5iMZGpZM2RTLXNSwdy3TwCtzAz4jvA8insnIbXJFxR/s1600/fractured+fairy+tale.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhz5L2vn3eCGzjVkQzJYPhPLDmDNEPUYH5UUz89FrtSjtD3lkDQGd4_rTgid6DFroHC1ExISPGQTgEDkBjYb8vFBCk9bF_rJz9hXZ5iMZGpZM2RTLXNSwdy3TwCtzAz4jvA8insnIbXJFxR/s1600/fractured+fairy+tale.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Once upon a time, on a gloriously
simple, phenomenally gentle Sit-Com located far, far away <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(well, in The Valley)</i>, a beautiful, talented, young <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(albeit somewhat notoriously ‘scattered-brained’),</i>
Actress starred as an ingénue on a television show six years ago.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as The Universe tends toward
It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(shall we say “unique”)</i> sense of
humor, I had been hired as her Stand-In.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite frankly, in my underling role,
I couldn’t have been more thrilled that for a change I would be subbing for a
minor player.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No stress!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No drama!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And LOADS of time on my hands to Rip Van Winkle the days away if I so
chose!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, as the beautiful
Princess was equally comfortable playing the Court Jester -- regaling her loyal
subjects with whatever cock-eyed thought popped into her head at any given
moment –- I thought it best to stay alert and do my job to the best of my
abilities lest the King <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(aka the
Director) </i>who was positively <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">enchanted</i>
by the ingénue, suddenly deem me an ugly duckling; too stupid and unworthy of
trying to stand in the Actress’s glass slippers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you comfortable crawling
through the tiny enclosed area, Pen?” my First AD kindly asked me the day prior
to pre-shooting, as my Actress was supposed to squiggle “underneath the house”
on a separate set specifically designed for filming.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Umm...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think so...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>yes, of course!” I nodded positively; secretly praying that my out-loud answer
might convince the ‘inner me’ too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Zipping up my given Charlie Brown
‘Great Pumpkin’ orange protective jumpsuit the next day to cover my regular clothing<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,</i> I stepped aside backstage for the
Special FX man who appeared to have one of his arms ‘disarmingly’ slung into a
sling with a plaster cast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Really?”</span></i><span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> I eyeballed him
skeptically, whole-heartedly hoping that he was just messing with my head
before I crawled into the creepy coffin box.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It was just a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">minor</i> pyrotechnic mishap” he winced with embarrassment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’d rather not get into the details...” he
added, clearly suffering from a post-traumatic flashback as he ‘sense-memoried’
the event.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But I’m only here to make the
tunnel seem all cob-webby” he recovered himself with a smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I promise I won’t set you on fire while
you’re trapped in there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(“Have a shiny red apple”, said the
wicked Queen innocently.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, I truly believe that there occur
multitudes of moments in Life where we are all presented with opportunities to
rise above our fears.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why, we could be
eaten by a wolf on the way to Grandma’s!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tossed into an oven as retribution for our gluttony!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discover a monster under the bed!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Oh,
the irony of the delayed realization that I named my new mattress which most literally
SUCKS the stress out of my body at night ala Dracula, “Vladimir”!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">But hey, nothing like a little blood-curdling terror during camera
blocking when you’re snow white in the face, yet still mining for comedy,
right?!?!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: blue;">“Let’s load Penny into the chamber” our Director suggested.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(What am
I, buck-shot?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are we hunting wild
game?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look out, Bambi!)</i></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Unfortunately, standing deer-eyed wide in front of the cramped opening,
my hands sweating and my mouth disproportionately dry as dust <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(save for the inopportune occasional acid
reflux backwash of utter dread and claustrophobia), </i>my feet remained firmly
planted immobile as if clad in cement boots.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Everything OK there, Pen?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My AD
appeared by my side, acutely aware and rather concerned that my face had shifted
to a ghastly, ghostly pale and that I had apparently morphed into something
unrecognizably un-human.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Flag on the
play!” she shouted to the Director as she requested a Stand-In for the
Stand-In.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let’s at least get you freed
from that jumpsuit!” she assisted me helpfully as I walked ‘Zombily’ out of my
clothing, OFF the set, and directly OUT the exit door until I could shake off
the creepy heebie-jeebies coursing through my veins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">do </i>hope, kind readers, that
you weren’t expecting a true “Cinderella” story here from me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, that would be a much more Grimm
tale indeed.) <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="color: black;">But I digress!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Smash cut to six years later:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“We should probably get you guys some knee pads if you don’t already have
them for when you’re doing the ‘army trenches crawl’ through the ‘air vent’
set”, our Second AD made a note to talk to our Stunt People.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m not sure how we’re gonna fit four adults
in the tiny space where four KIDS barely fit, but we’ll do our best!” he
smiled, ever the optimist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And I had to admit, I was somewhat optimistic too!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">After all, I’d crept through some seriously darkened tunnels in my
personal life over those six years; but with the help of family and friends I’d
managed to successfully Rapunzel my way out of captivity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(And if
worse came to worst, all I needed to do was let down my hair, form a red-headed
stair, and get myself the heck outta there!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Granted the scene was a two-part bugaboo; the tight quarters would certainly
be unpleasantly uncomfortable too, and mostly I felt like Pinocchio as my legs
weren’t properly bendy to my will with the Velcro strappy knee pads over my
pants as I wobbled all ‘young Forrest Gump’ gimpy to the set. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Additionally, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t particularly
comforted by the fact that whilst the woodsmen Construction Crew had
thoughtfully built make-shift steps for my three amigos entering stage right, I
stood forlornly in the dark <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(stage left)</i>
at the chest-high gaping dungeon, unable to load myself into the chamber<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(not
out of fear, mind you, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but rather an
obvious <u>inaccessibility</u> into the mine shaft, FFS);</i> until our Prop
Asst. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(my very own Prince Charming!!!), </i>heroically
knelt by my side with an apple box for my ladder; his sturdy shoulder at the
ready for my ascent; a sparkly twinkle in his valiant smile.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(OK, perchance
I hallucinated-fabricated the “twinkle” since the painters had JUST turned off
the fans to dissipate the noxious fumes and maybe I was feeling kinda Dopey…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But this is my story and I’m sticking to it!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Now, having successfully camera-blocked ‘Part A’ of the claustrophobic
two-part scene <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(*WHEW!!!*)</i> which was really
rather simple <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(all that was required were
four entrances of four people and setting focus shots for a page or so of
dialogue when the Actors hit their marks), </i>I took great pride in the fact
that I’d managed to contain my Anxiety, was able to breathe through the
discomfort (and paint fumes), and had accomplished <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(in MY mind)</i> a Herculean Feat from whence sonnets would be written and
ballads be sung of praise and courage!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“And let’s reset for ‘Part B’” the King<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (aka our Director)</i> engaged the troops, as the cameras moved in
tightly towards my only open airway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I
know it’s narrow in there Penny, but can you maybe lie on your left shoulder
and flatten yourself against the set a bit more so we can squeeze all four of
you in on one camera?” he asked politely as two more of our Second Team
awkwardly spooned their way behind me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*thump thump*<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Surreptitiously sneaking one hand out of the Death Chamber for
confirmation that Oxygen still actually existed on our planet, I tried ever so
hard to do my job to the best of my abilities...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5r7lSxB6QX3EFTmLmopIflNRo5BSpR9_bPgioFLPTYyFYtI0unVeHmIQ-azFCG6yzQZH_4z5mEQle5bmBISsCTjwyc1wL_q8nMS3mH5_CW2HxbFLdAPQFZXG_mPg8tDrZmN1qQ6_CoOIr/s1600/fractured+fairy+tale+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5r7lSxB6QX3EFTmLmopIflNRo5BSpR9_bPgioFLPTYyFYtI0unVeHmIQ-azFCG6yzQZH_4z5mEQle5bmBISsCTjwyc1wL_q8nMS3mH5_CW2HxbFLdAPQFZXG_mPg8tDrZmN1qQ6_CoOIr/s1600/fractured+fairy+tale+2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“What page are we on?” a third co-worker asked out of the blue, wildly
oblivious to my debilitating discomfort as he piled into the tunnel on top of
us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*thump thump thump*<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Oh bother...” I Winnie the Pooh poohed, as I tried to comfort myself;
imagining myself merely stuck with my head in a jar full of “Hunny”, splaying
face-down on my side from the invasive lenses of our High Def cameras as I buried
my head underneath my ponytail.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLPZ985BLwk5wEpo7TOcXFPIy-fMAh5SrI_nWjrpes1jvtvFSfMrvvG1_i-f_0nntS_PEuPNMz0QSY_TODZavfhumMtwJYwYlAxEP7BoxHDJ2E-eqY-AsxM93NIxSZgMZ7UgA0hNaCXhMP/s1600/Pooh+in+a+pot.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLPZ985BLwk5wEpo7TOcXFPIy-fMAh5SrI_nWjrpes1jvtvFSfMrvvG1_i-f_0nntS_PEuPNMz0QSY_TODZavfhumMtwJYwYlAxEP7BoxHDJ2E-eqY-AsxM93NIxSZgMZ7UgA0hNaCXhMP/s1600/Pooh+in+a+pot.jpg" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDREKdLfAblPauGAjA_LIhrt0mQa3lozuFAaukgYlHRuIYbq1sI9dXaHNlOcGVxaLS6U_PxA7qXrpFuUpQe1GfPB6Arpty5jN2tuN4YDwo67l8TfOHO9wjA3bnHQi4OA6W4W5oo8v8dRgV/s1600/Winnie-the-Pooh-and-the-Hunny-Tree-winnie-the-pooh-2034936-1280-960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a> </div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">*thump thump thump thump thump*<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Can you squeeze in any closer?” the King casually wondered as I lost all
ability to breathe or speak, reduced to nothing more than a tell-tale-thumpy-heart
slash sobbing puddle of tears and Anxiety, weeping uncontrollably beneath my
helpless Rapunzel tresses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-themecolor: text1;">“We have to get Penny out of there NOW!” were
probably the last words I heard that made any sense to me whatsoever as I found
myself relentlessly gripped by the menacing claws of a full-blown Panic Attack.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">But a fairy tale <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(horrific as it may
be)</i>, does by the quasi definition, indeed require a happy ending, does it
not?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="color: magenta;">And thus I searched for mine.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“Don’t apologize” the King spoke quietly as he pulled me in to a
comforting Papa Bear hug.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I had the
EXACT same reaction when I had to get an MRI.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You freak out, but then you freak out even more that people are seeing
you freak out!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I recall too, my dear friend Gilda helping me out of the claustrophobic
tunnel, her hands trembling whilst she attempted to placate her OWN Anxiety, offering
me tissues for all of the snot dripping down my face <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yeah, that’s how we all wish to be viewed in High Def)</i>; a thoughtful
bottle of water from a Stage PA; a cup of orange juice, and the recommendation
that I ought to eat a banana as our Camera Coordinator ping-ponged me outside
of the stage to sit on the patio and breathe in the open space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #009999; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And after about twenty minutes, this little Red (writing) Hood was almost ready
to tackle the Big Bad Wolf!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Almost…<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">“They’re moving on to the Cold Open in the bedroom” my beloved friend and
co-worker April gave me a heads-up as I ever-so professionally tried painfully unsuccessfully
to thumb through my script, multi-tasking as I attempted to stand up on my Pinocchio-wobbly
legs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I gotcha covered, Pen” April smiled
with a maternal flick of the wrist as I sat back down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“No worries!” she sailed off sunnily as she
grabbed my character’s signage and effortlessly took my place on-camera.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Was I
still hallucinating, or did she have a valiant “twinkle” in her teeth too?!)</i>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Well, I suppose there’s never <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly</i>
the ‘happily ever after’ we all hoped for, but we can certainly make the most out
of our story book endings if we try. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Yes, the ingénue went on to win an Academy Award, but even SHE had a
rough trip up the steps to accept it…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3v-SXUNJQyVLNtAZPKZgdzKPBx9JGb9HAlniBjo3X5Q01mUCCuaybucq-euLpuhcRR1Io5kkB96fjnR2w3qZWz9KYI3tsrFeeUejvTSDVSkGgLizq96uPCJ1YxiuuReGYi21Bk-ZjXsx/s1600/Jennifer+Lawrence+at+Oscars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi3v-SXUNJQyVLNtAZPKZgdzKPBx9JGb9HAlniBjo3X5Q01mUCCuaybucq-euLpuhcRR1Io5kkB96fjnR2w3qZWz9KYI3tsrFeeUejvTSDVSkGgLizq96uPCJ1YxiuuReGYi21Bk-ZjXsx/s1600/Jennifer+Lawrence+at+Oscars.jpg" /></a></div>
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(Easy there, Princess!)</div>
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<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">And whilst I’ve been offered a Network show this fall <span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;"><em>(oh, the temptation of THAT shiny red apple!)</em></span><span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">, </span>I simply cannot (in
good faith) recklessly abandon the people who’ve already hired me, in the pursuit
of a fairytale Network show which just might easily be cancelled after the
first episode.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">So suffice it to say, I do know now in my heart that I’m in a very safe
place <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(the UPM even gave us ‘hazard pay’!!!)</i>,
where despite all the huffing and puffing of Hollywood, no one has the power to
completely blow me down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: 15pt; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">(Well…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except
for creepy dungeon-like tunnels…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
a fucking deal breaker!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Continuing my pursuits of dreaming HUGE and wishing you a happily ever after,</span></div>
<span lang="EN" style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">~P <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-182772559478397212014-07-06T22:50:00.000-07:002014-07-06T22:50:14.126-07:00The Cosmic Consternation of Compatibility (Coda): "Vladimir's Cradle"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3LGntDJ7ryP2J9PM8XIbW6rQXYB3B1RNkwCfIIA2Y4pmpt1x2cuGm-i-Fj1pg922NpvMYhJzGqbWTUVkBVdT-v4jz-d_DgclrLUomOmhiVXwSCaCgn5VQkpEpLMrl5TuCcOWxQkrx56Z7/s1600/Shakespeare.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3LGntDJ7ryP2J9PM8XIbW6rQXYB3B1RNkwCfIIA2Y4pmpt1x2cuGm-i-Fj1pg922NpvMYhJzGqbWTUVkBVdT-v4jz-d_DgclrLUomOmhiVXwSCaCgn5VQkpEpLMrl5TuCcOWxQkrx56Z7/s1600/Shakespeare.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Alack and alas!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My Life Forces are woefully being fatally drained!”
my always and ever-so overly-dramatic 1997 Toyota “Cecilia” wearily wiped the
dust off of her windshield weakly ala Lady Macbeth as she pouted at having been
parked on the street like a bloody commoner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Out, damned spot!” she whined theatrically as I dutifully squirted the glass
cleaner lever-thingy obediently.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Fie, fie, fie, I can’t <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">possibly </i>steadily keep the radio on...” Cecilia
hiccupped half-heartedly as we tooled down the Boulevard, momentarily muting
the Red Hot Chili Peppers as I tone-deaf sang alone in silence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I were better to be eaten to death with a
rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion” my Toyota postured
ala Falstaff. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Cecilia has appeared on-camera in three whole Sit-Coms and now
apparently feels most adequately prepared to tackle Shakespeare.)</i></span></div>
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(Cecilia was mad that day in 2008, as whilst Props took the time to dress her in "Colorado" wardrobe (aka her phony license plate), they didn't bother to wax her hood prior to being subjected to such harsh outdoor lighting...)</div>
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span> </div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And waiting exactly until the
precise moment of me subserviently angling her into her favorite throne (level
three, slot #3), she chose to click on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(new
to me!)</i> a blood red demonic image of what appeared to be a dead battery
icon upon her dashboard.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Here’s to my love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>O true apothecary!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thy drugs are quick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus, with a kiss, I die” Cecilia idled steadily
like an off-off-off-Broadway performer who’s obviously still breathing after a
first-time performance of Romeo and Juliet’s death scene.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Yeah, yeah, yeah, “Parking” is such
sweet sorrow.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet miraculously prepared for an
encore performance after a day of resting in the parking structure overlooking
the Studio, I motored Cecilia home in hopes of finding an open spot on the
street so as to not have to deal with my upstairs neighbor <s>Cecile</s>
“Ophelia”. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yes, I’ve randomly re-dubbed her as her name is far too similar to my
car; yes, I still think she’s a hooker, and yes, I think she should get thee to
a nunnery.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But easing our way into the
left-turn lane off the Boulevard <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(no
dashboard lights or warning signs flashing!), </i>Cecilia suddenly remembered
her preferred station in life; and as I guided her into a parallel spot as a
commoner once again in an open slot legally designated BEHIND the painted curb
of the space for a fire hydrant on the street, Cecilia effectively threw an
automotive hissy-fit as she once again blared her blood red icon of a dead
battery.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Cry woe, destruction, ruin and
decay; the worst is death, and death will have his day” Cecilia sighed
dramatically ala “Richard II” as she continued to idle normally.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh, FFS...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What a ham...)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #6aa84f;">“You need to buy her new belts” our
local Mr. AAA “Roger” arrived on scene in his road-side assistance truck as he
ran diagnostics on my beloved Cecilia’s engine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Her battery is fine for now, but she needs a new alternator belt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me call and get you a tow truck” he offered
most helpfully.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Leave it to my Drama Princess automobile
to feel the need to shop for accessories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(What’s next; earrings and a
tiara?!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And rather than hooking Cecilia’s
front bumper to an angled draggy hoist bulb hitch-thingy whilst I dropped off
my work bag inside my Sanctuary, I walked back down to the street to meet a
rather crusty AAA hauler named “Danny”, who had already loaded Cecilia high upon
a mighty flat-bed ala a Homecoming Queen waving to her constituents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh bother, there will be no living with her now...)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can you show me where the base will
go?” the extraordinarily acutely focused no-nonsense delivery man zeroed in on
the specific section of my bedroom in the bat-cave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’ll be taking your previous frame and the
mattress with no charge to you” he affirmed all creepy sweatily per the
contract as he lugged out the haven upon which I’ve slept for decades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“If you wanna clean up and vacuum, do that
now before I install the furniture” he informed me curtly.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Wow.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Don’t mind him” the younger
delivery guy with the stud-pierced facial cheeks nodded pleasantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We had a rough day, and he actually cried at
noon when we had to deliver a bed on a third floor apartment without a working
elevator.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><em>(Oh, goodness!)<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Now, suffice it to say, I was mostly OK with the removal
of the old sleeping arrangements from my Sanctuary as I embraced a brand new
beginning in my world...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Sure there existed some hints of heartache
over the dusty mementos stashed underneath my bed of over twenty years <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(posters from college rolled into a tube,
tax papers from 1991 to 1994 (?), art supplies from whence I once-upon-a-time
fancied myself a modern-day Michelangelo, etc.);</i> but quite frankly, I found
myself easily discarding such trivial items.</span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Until...</span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Grabbing the
vacuum to suck up the last of the double-decade dust bunnies, I suffered a wickedly
painful temporary mental melt-down at the sight of miscellaneous paw-sized
kitty toys, batted most authoritatively under the bed <em>(all the way to the back
wall!)</em> by my deceased Heroic Feline Sidekick “Pretty”, who simply would never suffer
anything stupidly puffy if she didn’t deign the item properly “crinkly”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtT9gwKzOVwQD34jcda7FPAAkUmQmjd1NsnGkAWf6yjVrrQbPVnHpH3Yp0euZacadJ-jY-mL1gjKbyG3K23fQAPMmW_mBIjGRuo4psl4RbIjvW6DgDuYf4Xd9Bk1rUJuZL8aD-EAlQPx00/s1600/108.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtT9gwKzOVwQD34jcda7FPAAkUmQmjd1NsnGkAWf6yjVrrQbPVnHpH3Yp0euZacadJ-jY-mL1gjKbyG3K23fQAPMmW_mBIjGRuo4psl4RbIjvW6DgDuYf4Xd9Bk1rUJuZL8aD-EAlQPx00/s1600/108.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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(Yes, that would be two ears and a tail visible from the baggie. I never fully understood the obsession, but I always scissored "escape-routes" prior to presenting her with a gift!)</div>
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having deferred delivery of my
Monster Bed until a hiatus so as to adjust to the Sales Lady’s recommendation
that I would require adequate time to break in the mattress <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(for the Love of God, I seriously flopped
up, down, left, right, diagonal and reversal trying to make the damned thing
comfortable for two weeks),</i> my world was still wildly conflicted with the
consternation of incompatibility...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Number One:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite
the disclaimer regarding “NEW MATTRESS SCENT” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(and I quote:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Our mattresses
are manufactured per order and packaged in a sealed plastic bag immediately
after production.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When the sealed
plastic is first opened, you will notice a scent that comes from the new
materials, foams and/or fiberfill in the new mattress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scent is not harmful and should dissipate
within a few days”),</i> my new Monster Bed continued to smell of “Igor-ian”
chemicals from a Mad Scientist’s Laboratory.</span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Number Two:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Please disregard the irony of the paragraph title, as I assure
you, this was unintentional.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My desired adaption to the Monster Bed had been thwarted not
only by the brutal assault of the onslaught of a flu bug which knocked me down
for five days <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(enjoy the irony here, that
my crappy Landlord managed to have my toilet fixed just in time!),</i> but also
by the fact that whilst my belly was less than cooperative with any sustenance
aside from saltine crackers, all of the fancy doo-dads on the new
remote-controlled mattress and frame simply made me queasy.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Number
Three:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having
conquered the flu, and gently easing myself into the recovery of chewing solid
food, I clicked on the “Zero Gravity” button as my bed ironically nearly
swallowed me whole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And “accidentally” doing SIX sit-ups
to eventually dislodge myself (OW!), I frowned at the discordance in my
Sanctuary; my feet dangling helplessly as I stared down at the floor which
appeared to be, or not to be, so far away?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Well, that is the question.)</span><br />
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having started a new cable show
where The Universe has thusly batted me around into an awkward position of
standing-in for an eleven year old girl <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m
not YET completely against the back wall like a puffy kitty toy!)</i>, I’ve
found myself rather uncomfortably being reduced to sitting on apple boxes for
camera-blocking, and a camping chair off-stage in the darkness during most of
the rest of the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m certainly not complaining mind
you, as I’m ridiculously blessed to be working with a lovely group of people,
and let’s face it:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Would you prefer me to
be seated?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Happy to oblige!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I even
ordered a light-weight stool from Amazon to assist me with the issues of
height!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And whilst I’m lucky to be
used for a random twenty minutes here and there during a thirteen/fourteen hour
day, I’m still adjusting to my world of the unknown.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I sleep on rocks and straw. But you’re going to name the bed, aren’t you?”
my newest co-worker Gilda wondered; a novice reader to my published blog posts,
but already somewhat in step with my literary over-use of personification.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Pfft!” I thought to myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Well,
maybe...)</i> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Returning home with two weeks under my
belt of feeling somewhat humbly knocked down a peg, I embraced a nudge from both
Cecilia and Shakespeare, and yes, perhaps even my Heroic Feline Sidekick
“Pretty”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
~W.S.</span></i><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And eyeballing my Monster Bed, I
piled into the Creature; kicked him into “Zero Gravity”, and lolled like a drooling
infant in the cradle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Is that all you’ve got?” I pressed
the curvy button on the remote control as the mattress began a gentle massage, rather comfortably
purring ala “Pretty”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, seeing as how you’re NOT my
Heroic Feline Sidekick", I shook my head sadly, "we’re going to have to
amp you up to the maximum level” I decided authoritatively on Pretty's behalf, as she would never deign to nap amidst the likes of something so stupidly puffy. </span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And pressing the button
thrice to bring the Creature to life, the electricity coursed throughout the mattress as if Frankenstein had suddenly bolted awake...</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh dear Lord, it’s ALIVE!)</span><span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as my entire bat-cave rumbled,
roared and jiggled like a Lear Jet in a tiny hangar preparing for take-off, all
I could do was lay stupidly in a “V-position”, and repeatedly mumble the
vibrating sentence, “Verrry-gllladdd-I’mmm-here...”; a rather odd ‘blurtation’
which <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you read the sentence out loud)
</i>has thus left me no choice but to dub The Creature “Vladimir.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be painfully honest, “change” is
a difficult procedure for this One Red Cent most ironically named Penny at
birth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But as an Actor, I must accept
the re-writes from The Universe as they befall!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And yes, perhaps I need to make a few adjustments...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But please do allow me the indulgence of one
last Shakespearean quote?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">“My crown is in
my heart, not on my head;<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Not decked with
diamonds and Indian stones, <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Nor to be
seen:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my crown is called content:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">A crown it is
that seldom kings enjoy.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>~King Henry VI<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And thus I shall bid you adieu, as I
return to work this week with my nifty stool for camera blocking which should
arrive tomorrow. </span><span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And while perhaps it’s not exactly a
proper throne, I ALSO purchased a foldable Captains Chair (with TWO cup holders!)
at Target for when I have to sit off-stage in the dark with my book light!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">But as to the <em>(only available color at the time)</em> ‘Malibu Barbie-ish’ Neon Pink throne???<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I think Cecilia has the right idea.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yeah, I’m definitely gonna need earrings
and a tiara...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you a wickedly wonderful week,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #c00000; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~Vlad's hostage, Penny</span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-77878707318871964102014-06-23T00:45:00.000-07:002014-06-24T22:58:54.942-07:00The Cosmic Consternation of Compatibility (Part Four): "Into the Looking Glass"<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh...”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I squealed internally as I restrained my
inner “Ethel Mertz” from falling all over one of my Sit-Com icons from the
1980’s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hi!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My name is Penny, and I’ve been standing-in for you this week!” I smiled
- absolutely THRILLED that The Universe had offered me this opportunity to work
with one of the Triad of a Family that has contributed so much to televised
comedy!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hullo” was her flat, miserable
response as she purposefully avoided eye contact.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m Joe, the First AD this episode”
he introduced himself to her politely. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Please
let me know if you have any questions or concerns while we’re on-stage!” the
nicest guy whatever lived shook our Guest Star’s hand.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hullo.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And I’m Brenda from the Props
Dept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Here’s your bullhorn for the scene”
she smiled professionally, as she laid down the prop by the Guest Star’s side.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hullo.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ok...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So perhaps my expectations had been a wee bit
high...?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">But certainly, my
1980’s Icon would perk up momentarily!</span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Just so you know” our Guest Star
made an official general announcement, “I’m not gonna remember any of your
names” she lounged dismally in a Director’s Chair as our Make-Up crew descended
upon her face for touch-ups.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">(Or...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>NOT.)</span></i><span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I don’t know what scene this is”
our Lead Actor looked around with frustration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Where’re we at, Pen?” he most oddly zeroed in on me amidst the chaos as
I sweatily clutched my script lest the wretched Guest Star needed to be coddled
or reminded of her dialog <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(a pointless
effort on my part, as she chose to ad-lib whatever the f*** she wanted to say
anyway).</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve got it right here!” I nodded
dutifully as I hobbled to greet him downstage of the mayhem; ridiculously thrilled
to be ping-ponged out of the way if only for a moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Thanks Pen” our Lead Actor smiled
appreciatively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And why are you
limping?” he furrowed his brow.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I sort of miscalculated the
dimensions of the ottoman at the foot of my bed and maybe jammed a middle toe?”
I shrugged idiotically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Funny you should say that!” he
laughed as he launched into a lengthy tale of his wife purchasing an ottoman
‘this high’, and had already hurt himself three times.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Hmmm...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did I detect a hint of sentimentality, and
possibly regretting taking the show and his Crew for granted?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">/////////<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With our Company shooting on
location the next day outside on “New York Street”; a painfully early call time
for the Crew; and me pre-emptively packing as many creature comforts the night
before in anticipation of a long day in what might be Los Angeles “weather”, I
was quite certain that I’d have to ‘rough it’ with my usual scarves, gloves,
coats <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(always necessary when simply on-stage)</i>;
as well as my camping collapsible folding chair <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I don’t camp – it was a gift from a show)</i>, an extra bottle of
water and a secret cache of well-hidden granola bars. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And arriving early as I am wont to
do, I never felt more ridiculously STUPID that I’d have to ‘rough it’ on a show
that was literally throwing every last dollar of the budget out the window for
their permanently cancelled finale.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Eyeballing a lengthy table of
thoughtful serve-yourself sterno tureens surrounded by grab-and-go foodstuffs
for the primary workers who hadn’t the luxury of taking a knife and fork whilst
they toiled; I next stood baffled by the on-site omelette-maker Chef who
elegantly tossed and flipped fluffy eggs brilliantly as he catered to each and
every personalized request.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet, not to
be outdone, should you care for breakfast from the griddle, how about sausage
or bacon; pancakes or French toast from the Gourmet catering truck?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">/////////<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Limping behind my fellow Second Team
to set up camp prior to our onset call time, I couldn’t help but marvel at the
scenes behind the “scenes” behind the Scenes.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Seriously, PFTT!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How difficult could MY day <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">possibly </i>be?!” I thwacked my forehead;
phenomenally humbled by the Crew and their abilities to achieve so much more
than I could ever possibly contribute to the magic of Hollywood. (The guy in the crane was creating the sky!)</span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If I might have your attention
please!” our First AD Joe kindly addressed the Crew as to a proper Safety
Meeting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“There will be a Stunt
performed over in this exact area; we will have a few company moves; and if
EVER you have ANY Safety Concerns, please IMMEDIATELY let myself or one of our
ADs know!” he pointed out all of the people with walkie-talkies and head-sets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I DO need to add, that as this whole area is
part of our actual Studio lot, please refrain from any smoking on set, and
THANK YOU!” he waved genially, as we clapped for the professionalism of
preparing us for the day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as if on cue for her arrival in
the white shuttle van, our Guest Star lazily rolled out in a billow of smoke,
lit cigarette in hand, as she continued to look right through me with the dull-eyed
stare of a dairy cow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you could please follow me over
here, I’d be happy to show you your blocking for this scene!” I offered
cheerily, as she disgruntledly plopped down on her derriere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And if you look between these two cameras,
can you see the flag on the C-Stand with the red and blue tape?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That will be your eye-line!” I added most
helpfully.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s too high” she scoffed
miserably, as I immediately scanned the Crew for anyone else above my pay grade
to help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yes, that would be EVERYONE, most of whom immediately became
extraordinarily busy with suddenly very important tasks.)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Suffice it to say, after I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">repeatedly</i> showed our Guest Star in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">various</i> scenes where our Director wished
her (at this point) to simply SIT down and where to LOOK <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(for the love of God, it’s not like she had to climb Mt. Everest, FFS)</i>,
I could feel not only <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">my</b> positive
energy draining, but that as well as the Crew...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Is ‘She’ actually coming to the set
anytime soon?” one usually mild-mannered Camera Operator sort of bellowed at
me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“PENNY!” an AD suddenly shouted,
catching my eye and attempting to wave me over to the Guest Star as I started
to get up.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wait, wait, WAIT, Pen; I need you
on your spot!” I was informed, as I sat back down obediently for Lighting,
fretting over how to accommodate each department.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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(Keeping a good attitude whilst sitting on a Prop dolly camera! Note bottom left of photo; it's not actually plugged into live electricity.)</div>
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet since mathematically this Penny hadn’t
yet been properly “drawn and quartered”, I suddenly found myself in a fourth
awkward position wherein one of the Triad of the Comedic Family would randomly
appear by my side for a private one-on-one meeting to confirm which scene I was
currently camera blocking for the Guest Star. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Bizarre, to be sure, as isn’t
that normally a task for the flurry of scurrying assistants to liaise between
the Mighty Powers and the peons?) </i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Nevertheless!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK, let’s set up the cameras and
the jib shot for when “She” announces the big stunt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Penny, let me have you start about here” our
Director placed me for rehearsals as I repeated the dialogue, movement and
simple exit four or five times -- first told to walk MUCH FASTER; then pointed
to exit camera right instead <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(“no, no,
no, the OTHER camera right” I was publicly abased like a moron TWICE in front
of my Crew (did I mention that there were FIVE cameras but not a hint as to
which one our Director had selected???)); </i>and lastly as I was requested to
walk WAY SLOWER ala our plodding Guest Star, I found myself unwittingly replicating
my own version of the dull-eyed stare of a dairy cow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(For the love of God, I already had a
gimpy foot!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’d milked me all
morning!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What more could these people
WANT!?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Talk about ‘roughing it’!)) </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as shit rolls downhill <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I truly believe the circumstances were
nothing personal)</i>, there was little I could do but to shut up and hope to
eventually scrape the bovine manure off my hoof...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">And cue The
Universe!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Blissfully aside from the private
conversation betwixt our Director and our Guest Star where I had to be “there”,
but not really “there” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(a delicate
invisible line for a Stand-In), </i>I observed nothing more out of the corner
of my eye than the body language of what seemed to be a gracious “thank you”
from our Director, and a polite dismissal to the Guest Star from the set.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“But what about the rest of her
scenes?” I pointed worriedly to my script before our Director walked away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(After all, I still had loads of notes; and
hours upon hours of awkward, unpleasant belittling moments of humiliation to
look forward to in the afternoon!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What can I tell ya, Pen?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Network made a collective Executive
decision and let her go” our Director beamed (way too) jubilantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I guess we’ll just have to shoot around her!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">And shoot <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">around</i> her, we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a body-double <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(close enough)</i> dressed in “Her” wardrobe;
strategic film shots carefully choreographed to hide the deception, and me still
standing-in (off-camera), behind the body-double lady to deliver the dialogue
of our dismissed Guest Star, I once again found myself in a topsy-turvy world,
as since the gist of the scripted dialog had been mostly whittled down to shouting
either “Action” or “Cut” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(easy to redub
in Post Production and Editing)</i>, apparently our actual Crew weren’t
entirely able to discern the difference in the massive open space between my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">scripted</i> “Cut” and our Director actually
calling “CUT!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Are you confused yet, kind readers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was too!)</span></i><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #33cc33; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In a nutshell, there I was as a
Stand-In, standing-in for a Guest Star, who was playing the role of the “Movie
Director”, who was being filmed with a body-double as the “Movie Director”; yet
our TRUE Director wasn’t being heard, because I, as a dutiful Stand-In, was
delivering the dialog as the “Movie Director” through a Prop bullhorn; to which
our Crew repeatedly stopped filming; naturally assuming that they were hearing
the TRUE voice of our ACTUAL Director.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Good grief!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">/////////<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Reflecting on the week of that
particular show’s final episode, I’ve tried to make sense of the bizarre myriad
of emotions which culminated in yet one more outré experience of my life in
Hollyweird.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As quickly as my cherished 1980s
Sit-Com icon had disappointed, disillusioned and disturbed me with her “udder”
disregard toward everyone while she chain-chewed on the cud of her next
cigarette; at least my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(previous Teen
Idol)</i> Lead Actor, had managed to restore my faith in him as a caring,
sentimental sap who apparently posted a picture online of himself and his
daughter walking off the stage for the last time, hand-in-hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #000099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as for me, well, I’ll let you be
the judge:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As a couple of us Stand-Ins had been
Invited to a Table Reading on my newest cable show to fill in for the parts of
as-yet uncast Guest Stars, I not only agreed to do so most willingly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(apparently the Execs didn’t mind that a lot
of us were reading the script cold);</i> but I also eagerly accepted the glamorous
offer of being driven down the midway in a golf cart – a truly heady experience
for me as I contemplated the “sur-reality” that if only for a trice in time <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(seriously, it was like a nine-second ride</i>),<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>I couldn’t help but feel that <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was somehow being embraced by the “presents”
of the “passed” at the 102 year-old Studio.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Here we are, ladies!" our PA
announced the auspicious arrival at our destination: <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>an eponymously named building dedicated to a
rather famous red-headed Comedic Actress.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh...”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I squealed internally as I restrained my
inner “Ethel Mertz” from gushing wildly inappropriately.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But of course I remained a consummate
professional.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, I’ve been
cold-reading scripts for decades in front of VIPs who nibble on their fruit
plates while they hope to be entertained.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And with my back to the audience as we sat down to read the script, there
was all the less pressure, despite being introduced to the room by the
Executive Producer before we began.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
although the usual accoutrements of pencils, highlighters, pads of paper,
scripts and individually designated bottles of water had been elegantly set-up
for every one of us in front of our specified chairs, I had no use for such pampering
items, as I was simply there to do my job as a Stand-In Actor. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In fact, all in all, the entire
experience was really rather nothing to get overly excited about...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">...Except for the fact that I got to
read the script with the Cast in none other than <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“The Lucy Bungalow”!!!</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(And
yes, I stuffed my very own personal unopened bottle of water into my purse!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cheers to racking focus on that
which makes you happiest!</span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~P</span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-43299420074433705922014-06-14T03:16:00.000-07:002014-06-15T01:05:17.429-07:00The Cosmic Consternation of Compatibility (Part Three): "A Class Act"<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wandering into the dimly lit saloon on an
unemployed afternoon to commiserate with a bartender friend, I out-stretched my
arms and inched my way in the darkness with grabby hands toward what appeared
to be a row of stools.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Here!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
gotcha!” a man’s voice called out to me as he gently led me ala a seeing-eye dog
to a seat while my eyes adjusted from the sunny outdoors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Let me guess; your first time here?” he
laughed jovially.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And coming to learn that my bartender friend had
been scheduled for a later shift than I anticipated, ‘The Regulars’ warmly
welcomed me like a nestling under their collective wing as they absolutely
FASCINATED me with hours of personal tales from their experiences in “old”
Hollywood!</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, what do you do for a living, Penny?”
mustached Tony, who had led me through the darkness asked pleasantly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, I’m just mostly a stand-in and kind of an
actor” I kerfuffled lamely as I was relatively certain that my weensy three-line
uncredited role of “Valley Girl #1” on a sit-com<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>wasn’t significantly worth mentioning in the
moment.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hey, I’m an Actor too!” Tony beamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We all gotta start somewhere, kiddo!” he
cheered me on, as he bought me a beer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Do
you have your SAG card yet?” he asked delicately as I nodded weakly <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yeah, for like TWO years at that time?).</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well then, from now on Penny, I want you to
hold your head up high and confidently state “Yes, I am an ACTOR!””<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And thus, I became friends with my first Real Live
Movie Star mentor.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, with no ill-will toward the Facebook
franchise with your thousands of “friends”, nor any disrespect to my Hollywood acquaintances
<em>(whom we all air-kiss and hug when we’re randomly reunited at work</em>), but 'Uncle
Tony’ was indeed, by the truest definition of what the word <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">used</i> to mean, my FRIEND. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So how’s Hollywood treating ya these days,
kiddo?” Tony would randomly call out of the blue if we hadn’t seen each other
in a while before he flew off to shoot yet another Feature Film.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And filling him in on my small-screen life, he was
forever my cheerleader who always reminded me to metaphorically and quite
literally keep my chin up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(“If you do that Penny, even on a lousy
show, at least your lighting will look good!”)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Uck, uck, uck, I totally SUCK at auditioning” I
flung my head against the bar dismally some years later, as I’d been offered
the rare opportunity to perform for the Casting Director for a small part on an
extremely popular Network one-hour dramedy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Now, now, don’t get too much inside your own
head” Tony gently warned me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What
actually happened?” he wanted the specific details.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, the gorgeous young girl with the stupid dazzling
white teeth and the stupid perky nose and the stupidly toned perfect body who
went in before me was OBVIOUSLY what they were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really</i> looking for...” I started my tirade of insecurity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Stop right there, Pen” Tony interrupted me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You can never <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ever</i> presume to know what a Casting Director might want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In fact, if she was THAT spectacular, hands
down the Actresses on that particular show would’ve demanded that she be fired
on the spot if they thought she might be unwelcome competition.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hunh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be completely honest, I’d never once in my
“Hollywood” life at that time, ever been taught to appreciate the supreme
importance of Individuality.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Anything else?” Tony asked, as I mulled over the
afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, one girl came in armed with a headful of
extra dialogue to flush out the audition as she ad-libbed a lot of words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could hear her through the door” I
confessed, thinking at the time that I should’ve been more prepared too.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Quick
question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How many Writers do you have
on your current Sit-Com?” Tony asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Maybe five to seven?” I guessed.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And how long is a general episode?” he wondered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Around twenty minutes, give or take?” I
estimated.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Alright Pen, this is the harsh reality here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Writers with limited time want to hear only
their words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They’re up all night, they
conjugate their sentences precisely, and they have NO desire to be upstaged or
rewritten by an Actor.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hunh.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, I had learned a lesson that is seldom untold,
but I took to heart!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Practically “Ethel Mertzing” Tony the next day after
seeing him perform on <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">CSI</i> (the
original series) on my small screen, I couldn’t hardly believe that my Real
Live Movie Star friend would succumb to and accept being cast as an Hispanic gardener.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, we filmed that a while ago” he smiled fondly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Thanks for telling me, Pen!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll look forward to the residual check!” he
cheered my beer happily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m not sure
why I so often get cast as a Mexican when I’m actually Italian, but like I
said, you never know what they want!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
that’s why WE are Actors!” he included me into his echelon without so much as a
blink.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aside from the unadulterated advice that Tony
departed to me throughout the years as an Actor, I shall forever remember him
not only as my beloved mentor; but my drinking buddy too (of course!); the
gentleman who <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> had a bad word to
say about a single soul; a Real True Movie Star <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who, despite his stardom, would ACTUALLY ride the BUS with me when I absolutely
refused to ever drink and drive again in my lifetime – Seriously... a Movie
Star on the METRO making sure that nobody groped me?!)</i>; and who should
always be remembered for the phenomenal Gift that he was to all of us who were
blessed to know him.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So, with equal parts of Sadness and Love, I hereby
raise a glass of cheer to you, Tony Genaro.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">You are truly missed, my dear friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And I also hereby promise to remember to hold my
head up high and share a cocktail with you when they honor you “In Memoriam” at
the Oscars!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">(</span>I know you wouldn’t have it
any other way!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-66151825480460829092014-06-05T00:40:00.000-07:002014-06-05T03:44:40.195-07:00The Cosmic Consternation of Compatibility (Part Two): "Down the Drain!"<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitCsDoD01QvEeiXugT7imS1xclpMHi-4NYPx1-dNYRn3sqDFLROxFxZVNJ9GVTnMlXoZkDbnK6g7z74y0D6oOLpn6KtopSZxqX40zWKnNdLZ65wuZQp3PbeLP-vmuBb6mfu_2XA0e5Obme/s1600/Jack+Benny2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitCsDoD01QvEeiXugT7imS1xclpMHi-4NYPx1-dNYRn3sqDFLROxFxZVNJ9GVTnMlXoZkDbnK6g7z74y0D6oOLpn6KtopSZxqX40zWKnNdLZ65wuZQp3PbeLP-vmuBb6mfu_2XA0e5Obme/s1600/Jack+Benny2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, if worse comes to worst, you
can always pee in the sink!” my forever-searching- for-the silver-lining friend
“Rose” in Wisconsin suggested helpfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(*Insert pregnant pause here, as I physically slapped my hand
against my face ala Jack Benny at the horror of those particular shenanigans*...)</span></i><span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In “hind-sight” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you will)</i>, I recalled my singular summer abroad, studying the
Fine Arts of Italian frescos, sculptures, architecture and literature in the
glorious city of Florence, Italy; my exotic (albeit chaperoned) weekends to
visit Pisa, Lucca, Bologna, Milan, San Gimignano, Carrara, Venice and of course
Rome, wherein I not only had the incredible experience of actually taking
Communion <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m not Catholic)</i> with
none other than Pope John Paul II <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I
didn’t even burst into flames!)</i> inside the holy walls of St. Peter’s
Basilica <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(seriously, who could turn down
sharing a spot of wine with the Pope?!)</i>, but also the opportunity to toss a
few lucky lira into the Trevi Fountain.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0hoslMu1EkFvaMB0tWxX3Ks9qOwChnXYDw5eYFD1PE-id1AgGzGv301IYcTp_xrDvt-B1wIgAplke_d3kXbExo9jO8zkMfHoPnkJVMhnCrO3pVigqq5zLxfzFcq7PF_nKQaPIihzTohZA/s1600/Trevi+Fountain.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0hoslMu1EkFvaMB0tWxX3Ks9qOwChnXYDw5eYFD1PE-id1AgGzGv301IYcTp_xrDvt-B1wIgAplke_d3kXbExo9jO8zkMfHoPnkJVMhnCrO3pVigqq5zLxfzFcq7PF_nKQaPIihzTohZA/s1600/Trevi+Fountain.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, apparently this particular
evening, the Trevi Fountain remembered me too...</span><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Eying the geyser spewing forth from
the back tank of my toilet, I wasn’t quite sure what to do other than throw
lira.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But watching my bathroom fill up
with nearly a quarter inch of water on the linoleum, I scooted my beloved skull
rug out of the way, managed to re-cap the squirting thingamabob, grabbed a cup
from the kitchen and effectively emptied out the tank into the sink before any
real damage could occur.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">*Phew!*<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, if I needed to use my
facilities I could always refill the back tank with water for a proper flush,
but quite frankly the situation was absolutely unacceptable!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>And shooting off a STRONGLY WORDED email to
our new Property Management Supervisor, I went to sleep early in anticipation
of immediate reparations the following morning.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Awakened the next day by the
incessant drip-drip-dripping noise of water filling up into my waste basket as
the back tank had not only miraculously refilled itself overnight but had also begun
spilling out through the toilet handle (FFS), I called and emailed the new
Property Management Supervisor yet again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>(Voice mail.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally,
ringing the land lines of Deceased Landlord’s Wife, and occasionally On-Site
Deceased Landlord’s Sons, I continued to receive nothing more than answering
machines.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(I never EVER thought I’d say this; but I actually MISSED my
Crappy Landlord who was an ABSOLUTE WIZARD with duct tape!)</span></i><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">And that’s
precisely when I chose to go old school.</span><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whipping open my monster 3-inch tall,
official printed hard copy of the Los Angeles Yellow Pages, I zeroed in on a
colorful two-page advertisement for “Mr. Rooter Man”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes, we DO work 24/7!” Alfonso
beamed over the phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“My technician
Mandel should be there by 6pm!” he confirmed as I trotted down the street – a “wee”
bit hungry, but also in search of a viable ladies room prior to the gentleman’s
visit.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Do you happen to have public
facilities?” I asked politely at the restaurant as I was directed to a locked side
door after ordering my steak taco with avocado and a Diet Coke as proof that I
was an actual paying customer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Someone might be in there, but I’m
sure it’ll just be a minute” the gal who took my order smiled politely as the entrance
finally opened.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Mmm, mmm, mmm; so sorry Soul Sister
for taking the stall too long” the Transvestite in hospital scrubs *snap* apologized
to me for monopolizing the “ladies room”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No worries!” I waved, rather
off-handedly; the least of my troubles for the day.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Poised for a lovely lunch on the
patio ala Audrey Hepburn enjoying a belated breakfast at Tiffany’s, I elegantly
placed a napkin on my lap as I patiently awaited my taco.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb1uj-HROKi3Xf7CDbEIYQGP_wDfNiF575xriK0dW2zu3XAlxecFyF6A4M4u8iLtN2xelUt_hqeYeFSMpG1KAo1wLtCKRkvTiA0nCs-j_xe_8D11fCB3ESemVSckVvK9s6yGWje84xV2Tc/s1600/Audry+Hepbuen.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhb1uj-HROKi3Xf7CDbEIYQGP_wDfNiF575xriK0dW2zu3XAlxecFyF6A4M4u8iLtN2xelUt_hqeYeFSMpG1KAo1wLtCKRkvTiA0nCs-j_xe_8D11fCB3ESemVSckVvK9s6yGWje84xV2Tc/s1600/Audry+Hepbuen.png" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However, much to my chagrin, I found
myself downwind of the “aroma” of a few homeless fellows, backpacks in hand who
were discussing where they used to buy needles in my neighborhood ten years
ago, as well as their burgeoning friendship on the bus as they were both
apparently just released from prison on parole and headed to camp out on the
beach after lunch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Aw, C’MON!!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Suffice it to say, greeting Mandel
at my door, accompanied by BOTH Sons of my Deceased Landlord who were obviously
concerned with our building maintenance <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(not
to mention the excessive cost of a Plumber on a SUNDAY),</i> I actually offered
to split the bill if need be since I had called Mr. Rooter Man on my own.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Absolutely not” both Sons of Yang
shook their heads.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I should’ve properly
fixed your toilet way back when” the Younger Yang hung his head sadly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean the ‘Great Flu of 2012’?”
I nudged him (somewhat) playfully.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With his trip to and from Home
Depot, Mandel straddling the porcelain like a rodeo rider lassoing a stray
bull, and with me just trying to stay out of the way, I lurked ala Bela Lugosi
as to the infiltration of my bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Darn it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I couldn’t get to my black velvet cape yet again!)</i> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m almost done in here” Mandel
announced, as I peered furtively around the corner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You work in television, don’t you?!” he queried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I know that I know your face!” he alleged
with his Smart Phone in hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh, FFS...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The World Wide Web can’t spell my name correctly, but my Plumber
could ferret out half of my resume on-line?)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Okay if I use your restroom?” Mandel
asked, shutting the door before I could answer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, Hell’s bells, I’d be downright
disappointed if you didn’t!” I muttered to myself, as thus far this whole year,
every single maintenance person in my Sanctuary seems to feel the need to mark
their territory!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Awakened at 9am on a day wherein
I’ve never EVER been invited to work on my current show, I tried to shake off the
drama of the night before as I gratefully accepted an additional day of employment
and promised to arrive within two hours.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Even the “Advertising Executive” who
lives upstairs <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I still think she’s a
hooker)</i>, managed to throw on a blue terry-cloth towel and consented to
moving her car at 10:15am for me to gear up for work!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, my toilet was not so
agreeable...</span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having run, recycled, hissed and
haunted me all evening <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(yet no more Trevi
Fountain!), </i>I threw my hands in the air and headed to the studio where
“Dramedy” resides in a significantly more controlled environment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted our Lead Actor had just
phoned in that he was out ill for the day, which left my fellow Stand-In (April)
thrown under the bus to play “the Dad” on the show for rehearsals and Run-Thru;
which by default sort of left me standing-in for almost everyone else in the
mega-cast of Guest Stars; not to mention the fact that as one of our young
Actresses and her Stage Mom were running late to an audition moments <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>before our delayed in-house performance; our
Director had no choice but to toss one of our Second Second<sup> </sup>ADs into
the frying pan of mayhem, who nailed the role most effortlessly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Like I said; “Dramedy”, in a lovely controlled sound stage with
catered food and working lavatories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Easy-peasy!) <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet upon returning home to my humble
bat-cave that afternoon, the unwelcome, unrehearsed and unprofessional drama
continued.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And thus, in a nutshell, became my bizarre
circus of an evening down the drain:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Trotting upstairs, I told Younger
Yang face-to-face that the toilet is still running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Younger Yang calls Mr. Rooter Man.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(No show.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I call Younger Yang again as to possible arrival time?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Younger Yang tells me that Mr. Rooter Man was
supposed to call ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Younger Yang has receipt handy, but
suggests that I phone Mr. Rooter Man instead.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now throw “Alfonso” into the mix,
who tells me that Younger Yang did indeed call, and Mandel was supposed to
schedule me at 7pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Alfonso is not sure
why not.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Alfonso will send “Ed” instead;
but usually prefers to have the previous technician (Mandel) on-site as they are already
aware of the problem.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean the same guy who screwed
it up the first time?” I grimaced.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Next at bat, was none other than Carlos
calling <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I know that the brilliant voice-over
Artist Mel Blanc passed away, but apparently “Speedy Gonzalez” still lives and
thrives in Hollywood!). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“</span></i><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Is this Mrs.
Pickles?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Please share with me, kind readers, yet one more comedic Jack Benny
hand-slap to my face?)</i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7D1Gs8Fuf54scZyTUGnzgfp2rSCWp1k4_3QG3LbpfD5nUVrFWLNGuImRQAk0XDdHClYwrakv0fDIAGoYbUUlx5uPcfw-3rjcblHSLClS-KTqLjGHiKHXL_lYrh4hIKDJNsA_Wwsq5C04B/s1600/Jack+Benny2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7D1Gs8Fuf54scZyTUGnzgfp2rSCWp1k4_3QG3LbpfD5nUVrFWLNGuImRQAk0XDdHClYwrakv0fDIAGoYbUUlx5uPcfw-3rjcblHSLClS-KTqLjGHiKHXL_lYrh4hIKDJNsA_Wwsq5C04B/s1600/Jack+Benny2.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, not ONE of those titles is
correct, but what’ve ya got for me now?” I sighed, momentarily musing how
vastly different my life would be if I were 21 years old and pursuing a career
as an exotic dancer with THAT pseudonym.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Interesting costume, to be
sure...)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, I must’ve misread the
invoice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry Mrs. Pickles!” he
continued without missing a beat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I
just wanted to let you know that Ed is going to be late; like maybe 10:30 or 11:00pm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And since Mandel is already off the clock, maybe
you could reschedule Mandel for tomorrow?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, FFS...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With Ed ‘presumably’ headed my way
eventually, my land line rang repeatedly as Mandel had been given a head’s-up
notice as to my broken “head” of a toilet. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And incessantly calling me over and over with ‘helpful’
suggestions (i.e., “Can you jiggle the apparatus that I installed?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe push down on the lower half?”) he wondered,
as my lavatory began flushing and hissing much louder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“How about if you move the bottom section
directly underneath?” he phoned again and again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Or, how about we just full on cancel
Ed and YOU can freakin’ DEAL with my Landlord tomorrow while I’m at work?!” I
answered flatly for the final time.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...
<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Never knew I had it in me, but note
to self -- don’t piss off “Mrs. Pickles”!</span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As to "Part Three" in this series: I'm still mid-typing as I attempt to gather my thoughts. Sometimes, there's just TOO MUCH to write!!!</span>Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-1004749829616029652014-05-28T00:54:00.000-07:002014-05-28T00:54:47.929-07:00The Cosmic Consternation of Compatibility (Part One): "Pimped Out!"
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMI1oppDoPqRAiDkjrQNV4sJ83XGO24B-ksncYIyoE8ehUimt3doY93hzW36XS1A0rLD_oeZo45nGS8X1zQv3z-hlFWDwcRY4Y-WY-iV8rTQrtTCwluNW1FUPtp_TUF9o-JRT6ZOJ3k-XU/s1600/Pretty+Retouched.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMI1oppDoPqRAiDkjrQNV4sJ83XGO24B-ksncYIyoE8ehUimt3doY93hzW36XS1A0rLD_oeZo45nGS8X1zQv3z-hlFWDwcRY4Y-WY-iV8rTQrtTCwluNW1FUPtp_TUF9o-JRT6ZOJ3k-XU/s1600/Pretty+Retouched.jpeg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">NO SOUL EVER SLEPT MORE CONTENTEDLY THAN MY HEROIC FELINE SIDEKICK "PRETTY". <br />
REST IN PEACE, MY KITTY, THIS MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND...<br />
(Two years apart, but she's still in my heart!!!)<br />
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Since I don’t have any actual <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">proof </i>that she’s a prostitute, I can’t exactly
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">quantify</i> that my new upstairs
neighbor may or may not be a hooker” I confided on the phone to my Dad, from
whose side of the family I seem to have inherited my rather unorthodox abuse of
‘word-smithy-ness’. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“True...” he mused momentarily as he
contemplated my ‘idea-logical’ blog post in progress, and the fact that my
neighbor always appears with disturbingly disheveled hair in the same denim
skirt and strappy sleeveless pink camisole. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But perhaps you could hint that this might
have become a ‘whore’-able situation?” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(My Dad is AWESOME!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As previously stated, I had no
tenable explanation as to my new neighbor’s source of income to afford
residence in our apartment building <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(seriously,
if it wasn’t for Rent Control, I’d be living in a cardboard box)</i>; nor her
inexplicably bizarre choices as to whenever the f*** she felt like moving her
car <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(my ever so considerate text messages
as to my morning departure times for work falling on deaf ears);</i> and with
my knuckles a wee bit sore from having to continuously rap on the door <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I kid you not – rather than answer the polite
knocking, she TEXTED me back, with “Ok, com8ng”),</i> I found myself, quite
literally, near my wit’s end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, I had some stressors
preoccupying my pea-brain as I prepared for the monster two-part epic Series
Finale of our Sit-Com –- an heroic “let’s blow the budget with location shoots,
stunts and Guest Stars” <strong>middle finger</strong> to the cable Network for cancelling our
show prematurely –- but as I, a humble Stand-In who has zero power over the
Powers That Be, had no say in the matter, and whose only choice was to make the
best of the situation <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(hey, overtime pay
is always welcome in my checking account!)</i>, I opted to embrace the
stressors by contemplating the possibility of purchasing a fresh, new,
comfortable pillow where upon I could lay my weary head.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With an early call-time on a
brutally hot Tuesday morning <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I actually
parked on the street so I didn’t have to deal with the hooker)</i>, and
released from work after a 1:00 Producers Run-Thru around 2pm, I piled into
Cecilia <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(my Toyota)</i> and motored off
in search of a replacement for the mangled monstrosities that I’ve been folding
in half for neck support as I continue my everlasting pursuit of “dreaming
huge”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes, we DO sell pillows!” the
delightful Store Manager “Jennifer” smiled warmly as I entered into the cooling
coziness of the bedding retail establishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Just out of curiosity, are you possibly due to purchase a new mattress
sometime in the near future?” she inquired politely, a sales professional for a
company in Southern California whose catch phrase happens to be “If it’s over
8, it’s time to replace!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um, yeah, well, maybe...” I
stammered awkwardly, far too ashamed to admit out loud the longevity of the
relationship betwixt myself and the sanctuary of my mattress and box set (purchased
in <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>1988)</u></b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“If you have a few minutes Penny,
I’d love to introduce you to some options for whenever you might choose to
upgrade!” Jennifer led me to a showroom demo.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Go ahead and lay down, here’s the pillow that I recommend, and just get
a feel for the mattress.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #990099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Hmmm...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><em>(Pillow not bad...)<o:p></o:p></em></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“This particular base model has
pre-set selections, but let me place you where I think is most comfortable, OK?”
she inquired as she worked the remote control thingy.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And with a most gentle elevation of
my feet and head which immediately took away all pressure off of my lower back,
I dissolved most contentedly into the cradle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Now let me take you back to Zero
Gravity to feel the difference” she pressed a button which flattened the bed,
leveled my body and left me feeling somewhat bat-like upside-down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HEY!?)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I know you’re not shopping for ANY
of this Penny, but please indulge me, as you absolutely HAVE to experience this
one for yourself!” Jennifer recommended as I plopped down once again, prepared
for nothing more than a redundant sales pitch in a different <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(albeit reaaallly comfortable)</i> crib.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“This isn’t the ‘Cadillac’ of our
options – wherein you could literally use a Smart Phone to pre-heat the bed on
a cold night – but since you told me that you’re a Stand-In and literally STAND
on your feet all day, you might want to give this one a try” Jennifer suggested
as she clicked on a massage button for my lower extremities.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh...” I nodded appreciatively.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So, wait; you mean to tell me that rich
people sleep like this every single night?” I scrunched my face in envious disbelief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, no, you don’t have to be
rich, and no, sleeping doesn’t have to be <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">exactly
</i>just like this” she mused.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You see,
if you have some stress in, say, your shoulders for example, you could always
hit this button” she pointed out as my neck vibrated like a neo-natal infant
sans the inability to hold up my own cranium.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh...” I marveled stupidly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And if you just need to shake off
the whole day, this setting vibrates the entire bed” she smiled.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ooooh...” I melted further into a
puddle of goo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“But hang on Penny, there’s more!”
Jennifer added enticingly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Not only can
you set the vibrations to 10, 20 or 30 minutes, but you can increase the
intensity from mild, to moderate, to deep-tissue massage!” she winked as my
entire spine officially morphed into a wet noodle; dual rillets of drool
streaming into the smiling dimples on either side of my face as I lazed all pie-eyed
in the cradle.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I need to return an email” Jennifer
‘suddenly’ checked her phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Will you
be OK here for a few minutes?” she asked me pleasantly, gently placing the
remote control into my limp hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“G’head” I purred, most unable to
even <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">begin </i>to form a complete
sentence...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With the soothing massage clicking
off on its own, Jennifer reappearing by my bedside and the junkie needle of “Crack
Back Comfort” firmly ‘embedded’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you
will)</i> in my veins, I lopey-dopey followed Jennifer to the next bed – a twin
sized cushion attached to a computer where she asked me to lie down once again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“This is how we figure out the
precise firmness of the mattress that’ll suit you best, Penny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an interactive system, and while you lay
there, the computer actually scans your body for pressure points!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You mean my fat?” I raised a
skeptical eyebrow (the only muscle that I could still control.)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your PRESSURE POINTS, my dear!” she
laughed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Then we’ll get a printout of a
color range between gold, blue, green and red, and let you decide if you agree
with the findings.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I look best in blue and green” I
suggested, still completely shit-faced from my twenty minute shiatsu session.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, that’s not exactly how we, or
how the computer, or the actual COLOR of the mattress, well..., just relax and
type in your answers!” Jennifer recommended ever-so patiently.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Approximately ten minutes later,
with printout in hand, Jennifer paused momentarily before sharing my results.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um, it would appear that you fall
directly in between the colors of blue and green...”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Hah!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>NAILED IT!!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With an additional twenty minutes of
test driving various mattresses wherein Jennifer insisted I try one in the
“blue” range, one in the “green/blue” realm; another in the “green” scale and a
final firmer monster of whatever color, I felt quite content, informed and
comfortable with my possible purchasable selections.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can you itemize and write down
everything for me so I can discuss this with my Mom first?” I asked awkwardly,
my hand already inching toward my credit card to pull the trigger for immediate
gratification, but my head still somewhat in control over an impulse buy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I can
justify an occasional Snickers bar in the checkout line; but a high-end purchase
without my Mom’s brilliant ability to research on-line?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, NOT gonna happen!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So... <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>out the door?” I cocked my head inquisitively as
to the final cost.</span><span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Of course I can move my car 4 u
2nite!” my neighbor texted me to allow me to depart for work at 7:15 in the morning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But why do you have to leave so early?” she
wondered as we walked back inside the security gate together.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s our final two episodes of the
show, and even though it’s only a Sit-Com, they wrote a lot of complicated
things into the scripts that will take up a lot of time” I explained as simply
as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OH!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Much like my business in Advertising!” my neighbor nodded enthusiastically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I work VERY hard, for SO MUCH TIME, only to
get fifteen seconds of actual product?” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I rest my case.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;">(Part Two, coming soon!)</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span> </div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-30318406533110268752014-05-07T22:41:00.000-07:002014-05-22T23:53:47.168-07:00The Resurrection Reticence of One Red Cent<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br /></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As the holy Sisters of Merciful
Employment continued to bless me with ever-so sacred call times for my sixth
week in a row on sit-coms in Hollywood, I clasped my hands together thankfully in
prayer that prior to my SEVENTH week without a hiatus; I at least had Saturday
and Easter Sunday off.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted I wasn’t particularly proud
of the excessively dark thoughts swirling about my sinister pea-brain prior to
a religious holiday - unearthly antitheses of the festivities of pastel colored
eggs, straw baskets of plastic grass and church-going parade attendees clad in
bonnets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Nay my proclivities were
provocatively being lured, enticed and tempted to The Dark Side, as despite my
attempts to remain faithful to my uplifted spirit; my flesh was emotionally
drained; my mind – a muddied eddy of a cesspool; my will - fragile as the
puffballs billowing off a dandelion during a warm summer breeze. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so, curtains closed, lights
turned off (cell phone too) and the poot unplugged, I slept the sleep of The
Dead from Friday night until Saturday at 4:30pm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Easter Sunday<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Still not feeling properly “resurrected”
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you will)</i>, and unable to get my
weary corpse out of bed <u>again </u>until 4:30pm, I was still in no mood for any
confectionary bunnies as I dragged my carcass out of the bat-cave.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, the following Daring Duo of
Lightness and Darkness have resided rather frighteningly in the far back of my
refrigerator since approximately 1988 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I
kid you not – they’ve become a Darwinian experiment as to their longevity –
what the hell are they made of???):</i> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But by golly, I was going to find a
way to celebrate Easter!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And if that
meant a trip to McDonalds for a Habanero Burger Meal at the Drive-Thru in my
pajamas, then by the grace of God, a feast would be had!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">However...<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Toddling outside the pearly gates of
my apartment building, I stood baffled at an unmarked car blocking my beloved
Cecilia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No note on the windshield, no
information left on my Toyota, not a Post-It tacked on the door.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hmm...)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And dialing the crappy Landlord <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(only to get voicemail)</i> as well as
crappy Landlord’s Mom <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(more voicemail)</i>,
I tried the phone number of my friends who moved out a month ago but whose
names were still listed on the landline outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you and Holly visiting?!” I
asked Jon hopefully, as they were seriously lovely people who couldn’t have
been kinder regarding my weird work schedule and the sharing of the tandem
parking up our hill.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But as Jon and Holly were already
moved into their new home, I was left with only two choices:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>call the Police and have an automobile towed
off of private property, or risk the Sheriff throw me in handcuffs for peeping
into Holly and Jon’s apartment for signs of life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Well,
hop, hop, hop up the stairs, bunny rabbit!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With movement stirring behind the
blinds, I knocked on the door as I briefly met my new neighbor <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m guessing by her accent, Eastern
European?),</i> who suggested that we exchange info and text each other as to
our cars and departure times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I gave her my card, as she promised to text
me in the future.)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And while she kindly allowed me and
Cecilia out for our celebratory take-home feast, illicit dark thoughts possessed
me once again, as returning home to my cave, the newest apostle to the sanctuary
of my building boldly chose to occupy the ENTIRE parking spot in our ten minute
absence; leaving Cecilia and me to fend for a leper’s location curbside on the
street.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(WTF???)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As my neighbor actually departed
around 5pm, I was blissfully able to place Cecilia back into her well-coveted niche,
and despite my wonky call-times for my week without any textual scriptures
regarding parking, I clasped my hands together thankfully once more that for
the love of God; I had no drama with the new resident, and a mere THREE days
left prior to a WHOLE WEEK OF HIATUS!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, I possessed the patience of a
Saint!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh, I would certainly be canonized
for my tolerance!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And of course I’d undoubtedly nail all
scenes<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (yikes, poor choice of words?)</i>
as I helped to cover a co-worker who was too under the weather to report to the
Stage for a day of camera-blocking. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, apparently The
Universe just wasn’t<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> quite YET </i>satisfied
that I be properly blessed with a hiatus until I could withstand yet one more
trial as to the heart of practicing the simple act of Kindness given any
circumstance...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">And cue the biblical
deluge of elderly Background Actors!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Good Lord!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were like locusts!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each one hungrier and crabbier than the next!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As one lady scavenged Craft
Services, she snarled contemptuously that despite an entire double refrigerator
stocked with (FREE) cold beverages, none of them were particularly appealing to
her palate or dietary requirements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Not to be outdone, a gentleman with
an armload of clothing for the Wardrobe Dept., eyed a seat in the midst of our
Second Team grouping, which despite the pre-set purse, sweater and script
splayed open by an obvious co-worker, he attempted to plant his ass in her pre-ordained
chair.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m sorry, but someone’s already
sitting there” I piped up helpfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh yeah?” he barked back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Well I don’t SEE anybody!” he harrumphed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“She just went to the ladies
room...” I cowered; an awkward moment to be sure, as my friend CJ came to the
rescue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“There’s red tape right HERE!” CJ unearthed
her way through our co-workers clothing to establish our righteous point as Mr.
Crabby Pants stomped off bitterly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lastly, caught peeling apart
sandwiches with her fingers to try to determine precisely which particular deli
meats appealed to her, another frustrated co-worker had seen quite enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You touched it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That one’s YOURS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Take it, and go NOW.” <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As pre-shoots of our show happened
to surpass our scheduled late lunch hour, our UPM was kind enough to provide a
Food Truck on the Studio Lot for those of us who were still looking at four or
five more hours of working well into the evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Blissfully, the BG Players had been
dismissed, and with nothing left to do but receive the blessed confirmation
that they had filled out all of the “I Swear I’m Not a Registered Sex Offender”
paperwork, they would be happily sent off onto their chosen paths.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet grabbing two cheeseburger
sliders from “The Patty Wagon” outside for my dinner, I found myself most
uncomfortably oppressed by a BG Actress <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who
bared an uncanny resemblance to Joan Rivers – I’m just sayin’...), </i>who
despite her petite stature, literally “cowed” me into submission. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Where’d ya get that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t see no burgers at Crafty!” she
bellowed belligerently, an unpleasant tinge of orangey lipstick smeared across
her front teeth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Um, they’re from the Food Truck out
there” I squeaked, pointing to the elephant doors.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“What?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to go ALL the way OUTSIDE?!” she
continued crabbily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, I think you might need to
check with the ADs before you even leave the stage” I suggested gently.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Seriously, people?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You
were fed for free all day!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How should I
know if the production company is offering you a catered lunch too?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go HOME, already!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Oh dear friends, The Dark Side had begun to take
over once again...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And searching for the Goodness and
Light, I bit happily into my first cheeseburger slider, only to woefully discover
that “The Patty Wagon” ran true to their grass-fed prophesy, that “our cows eat
Vegan, so you don’t have to!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9NbcgeNXkXhjN6YafTAz0RH3aETWn4-PBAekd6VxpOF8VCb2nDX0SOHl7MIsOIgqlGDyQKO_p51VzeHai42KxQ13z7RU1p_g4SdLRAALmfAu7dfMm_AAnq7zZZf6zehcEIuXcQ1Xf4FA/s1600/patty+wagon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9NbcgeNXkXhjN6YafTAz0RH3aETWn4-PBAekd6VxpOF8VCb2nDX0SOHl7MIsOIgqlGDyQKO_p51VzeHai42KxQ13z7RU1p_g4SdLRAALmfAu7dfMm_AAnq7zZZf6zehcEIuXcQ1Xf4FA/s1600/patty+wagon.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cute!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cunning!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Clever!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And freaking dry as a one humped
camel in the desert.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I hope you get your burgers, ya old
bat” I whispered to myself regarding the Joan Rivers wannabe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(YEP.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
Dark Side had officially WON!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Personally, I’m still baffled as to
why the Almighty Hiatus is so powerful and painfully necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love my job to be sure, so why must we absolutely
REQUIRE breaks from the joy of the creative process?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do we just burn out?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Heck, I only survived seven weeks of work in
a row before I nearly lost my mind and snapped at an elderly lady!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(My
complete internal dialogue was far too shameful to type here!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as I “try to make sense”, I can
only speak for myself that as to the first three days or so of time off from
work, I’m still toiling relentlessly hard in my sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(We’re talking Spielberg-worthy films in my
dreams.)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I don’t even know how to work single camera!)
<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So whilst I generally prefer to
leave you, my kindest readers, with a mere tale to be told <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(there’s no “like” thingie button need be pressed, nor any pressure to
email me back</i>), I’m curious as to your personal take on the Almighty Hiatus
if you have any thoughts. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Meanwhile, seriously “resurrected” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if you will)</i> after nine days of
complying with the demands of my body to stay up late <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(or randomly hang from the rafters and nap like an old bat (karma?) in the
afternoon),</i> I think I’m finally back to myself and ready to embrace the
bliss of humanity, kindness (and comedy!) once again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Well...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>that is to say until I found my car parked in
by my new neighbor on my very first day back to work, FFS; who didn’t respond
to my text, and who SERIOUSLY would’ve been met by the full fury of my wrath
were I not rested, relaxed and practicing forgiveness, damnit!</span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ah, but yes kind friends, despite any written
notification from my crappy Landlords, and sans so much as a call to the
landline or a knock on my bat-cave door that Cecilia has a new parking roommate;
I’m choosing to take the high road of faith that we shall overcome.</span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Therefore, please indulge with me in a high five to The Universe for a
spectacular twist of Fate <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(and an AWESOME
sense of humor);</i> that during my blessed Hiatus, my new neighbor who moved
in upstairs <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I kid you not),</i> is
ironically named <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“Cecile”</b>.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta;"><span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as to my rejuvenated spirit and joy
of returning to the Light?</span><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<span style="color: magenta;">
</span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Let’s just say, today I frolicked and had a
ball!!! <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta;">
</span><span style="color: #cc00ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">~Perky Penny Cottontail<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-8148561957154448402014-04-21T00:29:00.000-07:002014-04-21T22:30:30.439-07:00My Seven Year Itch<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1apSguXLIAdPa7SNs6XjyrvX7_eIQ-eZKuzYBfk_MrmhnqSioIBrs_7YO9LJDuL6oIAj-4-D8uqgeNrVGNTyDp00MX_H-chBpw2c0NpJur8EWPGbt_GLmmFsdbpGmxCk7FWe5XzsCP1TO/s1600/mayilyn+monroe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1apSguXLIAdPa7SNs6XjyrvX7_eIQ-eZKuzYBfk_MrmhnqSioIBrs_7YO9LJDuL6oIAj-4-D8uqgeNrVGNTyDp00MX_H-chBpw2c0NpJur8EWPGbt_GLmmFsdbpGmxCk7FWe5XzsCP1TO/s1600/mayilyn+monroe.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Did y’all know that Penny cheated
on us during our last hiatus with a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>Network</u> </i></b>pilot?” my Texan friend
and fellow Second Teamer CJ announced to the rest of our Stand-Ins on our
current cable show.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And I think she
actually LIKED it!” CJ added pointedly as I squirmed uncomfortably; my Scarlet
Letters of working on a rare SAG contract burning further shame into my
betrayal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But, but, but I didn’t mean to cheat
on my loved ones!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I certainly hadn’t actively pursued
any outside interests!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And yet with one simple text, the
sultry offer of four days of work which magically coincided with a week off
from my regular show, how could I possibly say no?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Motoring toward Laurel Canyon <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(where naturally I got “gutter-snaked” at
Mt. Olympus by a guy who sped up in the right lane to cut off EVERYBODY at the
merge point red light),</i> the flood gates had been opened to my sense
memories of working on this particular Studio Lot as I tooled over the hill
into The Valley.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be sure, some of my most challenging
shows had been filmed there <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I still have
the emotional scars!)</i>; yet like a lover’s cologne entrenched on a bed
pillow after an unpleasant break-up, I couldn’t help but bury my nose in the scent
of comfortable familiarity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Good morning, Maclovia!” I beamed,
handing over my ID to the Security Guard at the gate.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh my gosh, it’s so good to see
you!” she smiled, entering my info into the computer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Penny has the best known name on this lot,
but she’s always had Security Badges from all of her shows, so we rarely get to
see her!” Maclovia jocularly elbowed a co-worker who was infinitely more
interested in gnawing some unwanted dead skin cells off of his index cuticle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I know I’m supposed to park here,
but since I’m working on the back lot, can I possibly park over in the North
Structure?” I asked Maclovia hopefully.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Anywhere you like, my dear!” she
waved me graciously through the gate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And with one ounce of flattery, I was
off like a prom dress.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">To be perfectly honest, for the next
four days, I <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">did</i></b> indulge in an absolute betrayal of my current cable show,
as I positively wallowed lovingly in the camaraderie of a UPM who has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always</i> protected my back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally, I threw myself willingly into
the arms of our Craft Services guy for a salacious hug as he offered not only
every possible breakfast choice in the world for any early-to-set arrivals<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (OMG, sausage gravy with biscuits?):</i> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and I even immediately began building a
burgeoning friendship with a fellow Capricorn lady (new to the Stand-In world) who
graciously suffered my infinite questions about her fascinating career in
Stunts! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Adding to my debacle of debauchery,
with the reunited companionship of my dear friend “Eyeball” who started with me
in the Biz a lifetime ago <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who now works for
a major Network and their Safety Dept.)</i>, I clung shamelessly to his arm for
warmth as actual rain sporadically barreled down “New York Street” whilst we tediously
filmed exterior scenes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(FYI:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I adore Eyeball’s
wife Elizabeth, but my shriveled fingers were helplessly curdling into a magnificent
marbling of ‘see-through-the-skin’ white and a most worrisome magenta; so I choose
to believe The Universe will forgive that particular indiscretion on my behalf in
lieu of preventing any potential digital amputation.)</span></i><span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lastly, I’d also been capriciously drawn
to the alluring charisma of the sweetest disposition of another fellow Stand-In
–- an extraordinarily impressive six-foot four gentle giant German (Run-Way/Print-Ad Model) who possesses thick black hair, stunning crystal blue eyes,
impossibly fantastic cheekbones, a Masters in Literature, fluency in a
flabbergasting amount of European languages <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I
kind of impolitely eavesdropped during a cell phone conversation between him
and his Husband – flawless transition from French to Italian);</i> and whom by
all accounts, should’ve had the singular impact of nothing less than whipping
me into a warped skew of my self-esteem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet rather than focusing on what I
deemed to be my personal inadequacies, I instead immediately adopted the German
as my friend, and heretofore have hence nicknamed him “kitten”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Hey – if you’re gonna cheat on your cable sit-com, go big or go
home!)</span></i><span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, the Network pilot was a welcome
exotic adventure after seven years of (mostly) cable TV, and an itch well worth
scratching.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Did I mention that our
fantastic Craft Services gentleman maintained a fresh buttery popcorn maker, a
fully stocked ice cream freezer AND that he baked homemade chocolate chip
cookies every single day so the stage always smelled positively seductive?)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And true, I felt ridiculously blessed
to be surrounded by so many beloved faces and friends with whom I don’t
generally keep in touch <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I don’t wish to
participate in social media -– at my tender age of 48, I can barely track my
own train of thoughts, let alone a string of conversations... Wait, why did I
just walk into my hallway?)<u><o:p></o:p></u></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And lastly, for those of you unbelievably
kind readers who have been so patiently faithful as you cheered me on
throughout my difficulties with my unsteady beau “Eddy” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(aka the EDD Unemployment Office),</i> I hereby raise a hearty glass of
voddy that for at least ONE hiatus week, we didn’t need him!!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In the end, I must say that I was
truly thankful to return home to my happy cable family as we are warmly
embracing the hearth of our final six episodes together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Granted, there exists an aura of
betrayal on our set as well, as whilst the Cast will be filming their conclusive
weeks together, the majority of our Crew are already sort of “pre-hired” for
the launch of a new series –- another cable show <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(we completed the pilot in December) </i>which is apparently set to
take place on our current stage approximately three weeks after we wrap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(I know, I know; ... a new cologne on our pillow so soon?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i><span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But
therein lays the rub of the fickleness of the Mistress known as “Hollywood”.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“SECOND TEAM!” one of our ADs
shouted as I loyally barreled down the stairs onto the set, selecting a seat in
an “airplane” for what was apparently nothing more than a random Special
Effects test run.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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(Obviously this is NOT the actual photo from our low-budget cable show, as we could only afford one fan which sat directly on the stage - but yes, it was THAT BIG!!!)</div>
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And mildly oblivious to the greatly unexpected powerful “wind” generated by a massive monster machine, which <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I kid you not)</i> amped from Zero to Gale Force in an alarming heartbeat, I do believe that the last words I heard before my script fluttered violently off my lap were “Hey Penny, you might want to put on the protective eye gog...”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Mercilessly whipped and thrashed in
the face by my own ponytail, I’ve been told by my Second Team amused onlookers
who watched with laughter, that not only did I strive to secure the eye
goggles, I also attempted to block the gale force winds by flailing my limbs
uselessly – a ridiculous reaction further enhanced by the vis-à-vis visage of
my calm and cool co-worker Dev, who apparently gracefully rode out the wind
ala “King of the World” aboard the prow of the Titanic. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%;">YEESH!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I bet Marilyn Monroe at least got a
“heads up, Norma” before they blasted the bejeezus out of her backside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But WHEE!!! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(That
was stupidly freaking FUN!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As a lover is wont to recall
reflective moments of a tryst, I find myself typing tonight with the singular
thought of a rare conversation I shared with a Camera Operator on the pilot
whom I’ve known for decades.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a lengthy gap of time prior to
the next run-thru for the Network and Producers, we lounged in the variations
of sunshine and shade stippling about the Los Angeles sky as we shifted here
and there in someone’s unclaimed golf cart.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So, Penny...” he mused<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (more to himself than me). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>“Life in Hollywood...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it everything you thought it would be?” he
questioned sadly, the unmistakable cologne of “Recently Divorced” wafting
gloomily in the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And without even so much as taking a
breath, I blurted the following truthfully:<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“WAY better than I EVER expected!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Wishing you all a wonderful week
of whatever blows your dress up!</span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~Norma P<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-17916178503228582412014-04-03T21:17:00.000-07:002014-04-13T00:37:52.063-07:00The Subjugation Confrontation<br />
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Looks like we have an Ass Magnet” I
sighed to my 1997 Toyota ”Cecilia” as the brazen belligerent SUV driver behind me
bullied his way up our tailpipe (as well as the ramps of the parking structure)
in his hyper-caffeinated fury at 8:55am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite the fact that Cecilia and I
prefer to park on Level 3 <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(where she’s in
the shade, yet has a clear and proper view of the Studio)</i>; despite the fact
that we professionally arrived 35 minutes prior to the official call time, and
despite the fact that the Ass Magnet was clearly running late to work, I
allowed, nay, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">permitted</i> myself to be
forcibly coerced to the rooftop. <em>(Sometimes we all have to pick our battles -- who needs to instigate a fight with a fanatic LA driver fresh off the freeway who may or may not have a loaded Glock in the glovebox?)</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">In "hindsight-of-course", I could’ve simply
pulled over and waved the Ass Magnet ahead of me up the structure; but as Cecilia
has <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">a bit</i> of a passive/aggressive
attitude <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I can’t imagine where she gets
that)</i>, she continued to motor along at her own safe and steady pace; a
bird-like fluttering randomly emitting from her engine at every other turn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’ve
always suspected Cecilia secretly has a Facebook page, but now she’s on Twitter
too?)</i><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Nevertheless! <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I couldn’t possibly complain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The scenic panorama of Los Angeles after a
bout of rain was positively stunning from the rooftop. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I still had oodles of time before I needed to appear
on set, and with the angry Ass Magnet Escalade lurching diagonally across the delineated areas to haughtily
take up TWO spaces <em>(lest his pricey Cadillac door be accidentally dinged?)</em>, I
lounged lovingly against Cecilia in a moment of quiet reflection.</span></div>
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(Please do enjoy the beauty of the city, the majesty of the mountains, the spectacular sky - and <em>(what made me laugh the most)</em> the careful choreography of every other car!) </div>
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<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">occasionally, </i>“quiet moments of reflection” with too much time on
my hands seem to have the absolute reverse effect on me:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and before I could even begin to grasp the
situation, I felt the nuzzling of hot breath on the back of my neck...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes friends, without so much as a
side-mouthed “click-click” or a whistle, the Gate to my Stable of High Horses
had apparently been flung wide open; and within mere seconds, my recurring stallion
named “Righteous Indignation” had pawed at the ground, snorted in my ear and flung
my rear end into his saddle for yet another one of our infamous pompous rides.</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK, so maybe I’m not a bigwig in
Hollywood like the <s>GIANT DOUCHE BAG</s> um, that is to say “possibly
traffic-challenged” gentleman <s>WHO WAS TOO STUPID TO LEAVE HIS HOUSE EARLY</s>
um, who may have been “potentially unaware of road conditions” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(despite clearly sparing the time to stop at
a Starbucks along the way, FFS), </i>but at least I respect my job and embrace
an excellent work ethic!” I shared with my mighty steed, attempting to emotionally rein him
in before we clippity-clopped on stage.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a Guest Director who stemmed
more from a technical background rather than what I would categorize as an
“Actor’s Director”, I focused my performances during camera-blocking in accordance
with what I assumed would essentially be a “master”, a “single” a “two-shot
over” etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Not rocket science.)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And as approximately half of our
sit-com would be filmed live, I’d also tuned into rehearsing which specific lines
would be delivered in whatever direction for the Switcher, so she too had a
fighting chance at presenting some semblance of our televised episode for the
audience. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Lastly, with re-blocking notes for
my specific Actor in only one single scene <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I’m
being redundant for a reason)</i> on a Friday afternoon, I finagled my High
Horse up the stairs into the house seating to quietly watch the rest of the
rehearsals.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Unfortunately (again with too much
time on my hands), I found myself once more trying to rein in the bridled derisive
snorts and irreverent eye-rolling of Righteous Indignation...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Despite my fondness for our ‘Director
du jour’ as a truly delightful human being, the overwhelming indecisiveness
toward re-blocking many rewritten scenes was rapidly spinning into a thoroughly
intolerable, disorganized chaotic disaster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yes, again, I’m being redundant,
but stay with me.) </i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My fellow
Stand-Ins were being bandied about from one scenario to another like rag dolls as
they tried to keep track of notes for the Actors – a futile task to be sure – as
during the tedious process of camera-blocking, the only certainties seemed to
be the consistency of ambiguity!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Don’t EVEN get me started on our Camera
Operators whirling around the proscenium like dervishes in a glassy-eyed trance
trying to write and erase and rewrite their shots for the fifth or sixth time!)
<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And quite frankly, the longer I sat
in my judgmental saddle, the sorer became my... um, ‘attitude!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Dismounting my mighty steed to
reclaim my humility and eventually give notes to my Actor, I proceeded
cautiously on set <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(as I am wont to do),</i>
crept silently towards my Actor <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(as is
expected)</i> and turning my script to the proper page for his entrance, I accidentally
bumped into one of our Prop ladies. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I
already told him about carrying the coffee cup, but I also told him that you’d
tell him the rest” she smiled as she scuttled away into the darkness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #009900; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And gently brushing my Actor’s arm
to garner his attention as he giggled about something with a crew member whose
back was turned to me, I reiterated the entrance with the cup, prior to
continuing on with the rest of the onslaught of notes regarding his re-blocking
in the scene.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-themecolor: text1;">Most
unfortunately however, the “crew member” then turned around to face me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: green; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“He knows about the stupid cup
already!” the Star (slash) Co-Executive Producer of the show snidely smirked at me
like I was a complete idiot.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><em>>>><<< (Author's note: To Whomever is in charge of the Cosmic Clock in The Universe, well done for hitting the pause button as the following thoughts permeated my pea-brain within milliseconds of nanoseconds!) >>><<<</em></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<</span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, was it the earlier recollection of the hefty weight of the Ass Magnet bearing down on my beloved <em>(aging gracefully!)</em> Cecilia like a bully in a kindergarten sandbox?</span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">
Were my inherent Capricorn idealistic desires of perfection insulted by the indecisiveness of a Director who would garner a massive salary despite a lack of proper preparation? </span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Or was the next moment perhaps simply perpetuated by the imaginary nuzzle
of High Horse hot breath on the nape of my neck?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: blue;">Well, blame it on saddle sores if
you like, but all I can tell you, kind readers, is at that precisely
spectacular second in time, something within me sort of <em>snapped...<o:p></o:p></em></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I understand that” I started to politely
state to the Star (slash) Co-Executive Producer, “but I have a LITTLE bit more to
explain to him”, I pinched my thumb and forefinger together purposefully.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“So, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>BACK
OFF, B***</u></b>” I postured defiantly; subsequently mortified </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">at the horrible<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>realization that I had just brazenly barked at my boss and called
him solely by his last name.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #002060; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“SCHOOLED!” my Actor belly-laughed while
pointing to the Star <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who skulked away quietly),</i>
as I believe my face turned 50 shades of red.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“To make matters worse, I was
explaining the logistics behind a desired “two-shot” to my Actor to appease our
Guest Director, only to be mildly admonished by said Director for my lack of
providing a proper “Actor’s Incentive” as to why he should feel “motivated” to
accommodate the Cameras” I withered; completely blind-sided by the baffling 180
degree flip-flop from the Technical-to-Thespian Transformation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And at that point, all I could do was shake
my head in confusion and yelp "I’m so outta here"” I whimpered to my friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You are my HERO!” one of my fellow
Second Teamers cheered victoriously as I relayed the story whilst I
simultaneously morphed into a primordial puddle of certainly soon-to-be-fired
ooze.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We all have a job to do, and you
stood up for yourself!” she beamed proudly, a high-energy New Yorker transplant
to LA who doesn’t take crap from anybody.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’re not going to be fired”
another gentle friend chimed in on my behalf.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Heck, the Star will probably even respect you <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">more</i>!” she laughed as she hugged me.</span><br />
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyuqQftSBzea3iNS5LLc-tCehSlRVhyzEL1DMPktkUtDfI_BpJReyXF9Gi5vbb1cFBuTrz5LZuFc9EBCztz8cJIe72HNuOJrajn2JGavg1xUFIpibd0J5t-B3_XUvoeVIgGnLwp6QaPT-7/s1600/wizard+of+oz4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyuqQftSBzea3iNS5LLc-tCehSlRVhyzEL1DMPktkUtDfI_BpJReyXF9Gi5vbb1cFBuTrz5LZuFc9EBCztz8cJIe72HNuOJrajn2JGavg1xUFIpibd0J5t-B3_XUvoeVIgGnLwp6QaPT-7/s1600/wizard+of+oz4.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #cc0099; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span> </div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And while my co-workers greatly
helped to ease my anxiety, it wasn’t until I enjoyed the opportunity to chat
with my friend RJ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(an actual HR “Axe Man”
for a Fortune 500 Company)</i>, that I once again felt comfortable back in the
saddle of my High Horse.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve been thrown under the freakin’
bus all week during Labor Negotiations” RJ sighed wearily.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You absolutely HAVE to write about telling
the boss to BACK OFF!” he rallied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I
mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, you blog about ‘gratitude’ and ‘being humble’ and whatnot,
but just this ONCE Pen, at the very least for ME, you have GOT to stand up for
all of us who NEVER have the chance to do that!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><em>Granted, RJ made an excellent
point...<o:p></o:p></em></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And by the way” he added, “when I
retell this story – and you know I will! – I’m going to have you stomp off the
stage into your personal trailer!” he laughed, clearly astride his own twin High
Horse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But dare I be so bold?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, who am I to un-pen the oft-sequestered
stables of High Horses around the world?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m just a lowly peon who seemingly narrowly escaped being canned from a
job that I love despite my inability to control absolutely unacceptable inappropriate
behavior!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite frankly, as much as I wanted to stand-in and
stand-up for the voiceless of the working masses, this post could never possibly
come to fruition and be published without a larger sign of approval from The
Universe...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I need a script!” my Actor dashed
about frenziedly, as I mutely sat obediently by the door for his entrance and
innocuously handed him my clearly marked pages for the scene and his designated
dialogue.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Pthew” the Star (slash) Co-Executive
Producer spat his gum into a trash can inches away from me as he too prepared
to make his way on set; eying me momentarily as I cocked my head discerningly
and politely averted my eyes <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(as I am generally
programmed to do)</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gee.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sorry
about that, Pen” our Star actually winced apologetically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No worries” I smiled perfunctorily.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Yep,
SCHOOLED!)<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As my fellow Stand-Ins predicted,
not only was I <u>NOT</u> fired, but as our Star apparently now seems
particularly even more comfortable working with me, I was invited yet again to
do a wee bit of Background work (UGH!) as his ‘personal Make-Up Artist’ at the
top of one pre-recorded scene.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And with the Wardrobe Dept. asking
only that I be dressed entirely in “fabulous black garments with a splash of
color for a neck scarf”<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> (I brought many
choices – they selected purple)</i>, I stood patiently on my spot prior to
filming.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You’re gonna be the Make-Up person,
Penny?” our Star queried as he leaned against a prop set desk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Good!” he smiled, jutting out his chin like
a contented kitty-cat as the cameras rolled tape whilst I delicately daubed his
neck with invisible powder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Retiring my High Horse back to the
barn for a proper feedbag of oats, I continued to be torn regarding this post.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, could I really dare to publish such a sordid
tale of standing up for myself?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As to the ongoing flutter of
Cecilia’s impossible Twitter account, I bent over and clutched my knees
anxiously as the people at my local Jiffy Lube flushed my trusty Toyota’s
engine, purged her power steering fluids, replaced her air filter, changed her
oil and cleaned out the extraneous gunk from her Fuel System. </span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Sometimes we ALL need to get rid of
our internal gunk!)</span><br />
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And popping open Cecilia’s trunk to
deposit a twelve-pack of diet Seven-Up down the road, I think The Universe did thereby
officially approve this post with a small Cosmic chuckle, and (dare I say it?)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> a SIGN...<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Frankly, I’d completely forgotten
about the stack of paperwork given to us (maybe ten years ago?) which I’d <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i> deign to use. <em>(With my luck, I'd tag the only high profile vehicle in LA whose owner happens to have his own in-home DNA crime lab.) </em></span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But you have to love
Cecilia for reminding me to stand up for her too!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYKlWzi9blUnlt4Cvy_FI1W1C4zd2Ngy_3KY99wqXfbKgZLv72ygssfaacGp7_5TwpWfLV9BcXawJcwJV1_5a8JDOysxVNuFGJYK9pRkksghezhePvDW53qfpA_XYpPMqh12n3U8kLwip3/s1600/IMG_1642.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYKlWzi9blUnlt4Cvy_FI1W1C4zd2Ngy_3KY99wqXfbKgZLv72ygssfaacGp7_5TwpWfLV9BcXawJcwJV1_5a8JDOysxVNuFGJYK9pRkksghezhePvDW53qfpA_XYpPMqh12n3U8kLwip3/s1600/IMG_1642.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Gently wishing you the courage you already possess in your lion's heart; the heart to remember to be kind to others, and the brains to actually think things through before you accidentally tell your boss to "BACK OFF!",</span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><br />
<span style="color: #ff33cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~The (Generally) Cowardly Passive P</span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-7542939804053288112014-03-17T23:09:00.002-07:002014-03-17T23:09:57.022-07:00And the Oscar Goes to...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW0gM2WTbjpHqDLphSrwRsKEm8U02BloslUCBPE1vz0qhV2E97nBjL-RENY6Fg5EcXaPpD_k08ZlnpjVjI3YNWBhNH5wPnyuPjvaqVkoaY3sq7iHaYm60FJKBYFjQWj9PUuG1AkRXhPVgj/s1600/oscar2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW0gM2WTbjpHqDLphSrwRsKEm8U02BloslUCBPE1vz0qhV2E97nBjL-RENY6Fg5EcXaPpD_k08ZlnpjVjI3YNWBhNH5wPnyuPjvaqVkoaY3sq7iHaYm60FJKBYFjQWj9PUuG1AkRXhPVgj/s1600/oscar2.jpg" /></a></div>
</span><br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Good Morning, Peggy!” our seriously
lovely and wonderful Dialogue Coach affectionately squeezed my arm as he
whisked away from Craft Services with his breakfast in hand; hurriedly scuttling
off to run lines with the children of our Cast prior to pre-shooting a
multitude of scenes on a lengthy camera-blocking day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Good morning!” I happily shouted
after him. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so it was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(without an ounce of malice) </i>I’d once again for the gazillionth
time in my career been re-dubbed “Peggy”. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Ironically, these are the type of “Hollywood”
moments that truly seem to make the most sense to me.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, just as quickly as a
Construction Crew can rip apart a set, so can they equally rebuild a new one
over-night; just as Writers may drastically change the entire storyline of a
script in a manner of hours, so can they too ideate and create a brand new
vision; and needless to say, with little or no hesitation, every single Actor
may be fired and recast on a whim.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thus
is the ever-changing flux of our business in Tinsel Town, and therefore the
thick skin required for the art of adaptability.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: magenta;">Meanwhile, my-Peggy-self standing (unusually)
away from the hot-food queue of etnas, having just toasted up a delicious
sesame seed bagel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(slathering the halves
with pats of butter, and drizzling a pot-bellied teddy bear of honey onto a
perfectly crafted finger-sticky mess!),</i> I sighed quietly as a barely-above-the-line
lady ladled up a plate of bacon and eggs whilst simultaneously grabbing the
entire last half inch stack of napkins.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Again, these are the “glamorous Hollywood”
moments which I’ve become rather accustomed to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(To be sure, resourceful “Peggy”
could certainly root through her backpack for a possible tattered paper towel!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so (for me), these are the quiet
hiccups of synergy amidst chaos when I simply shut up and embrace the
Gratitude.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m blessed with my family, my
friends, our good health, my happy home, my trusty Toyota, my temporary job and
FOOD on set!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Although I must say, a napkin would’ve been REALLY helpful!)</i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now, to state that my morning was
somewhat hectic was certainly true:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d
been assigned multiple roles for camera-blocking in various scenes -– some of which
entailed me making an entrance and an exit stage right; then scurrying like a
lab rat through the maze of camera and boom operators in order to make an
entrance stage left as a completely different character; all the while trying
to maintain the distinction of the signs hanging around my neck as to who I was
standing-in for.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Was I “Alicia”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was I “Wendy”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was I “Kevin”?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="color: #0070c0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b0f0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Run, Penny; RUN!” our Prop Master Brenda
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(who knew my name!)</i> cheered me on,
heroically repeatedly blazing a path for me as I scampered across the cables.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Please
feel free to mentally insert the soundtrack from “Chariots of Fire” here.)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So suffice it to say it was with
great joy, that joining my Second Team after lunch on the glamorous pavilion of
the studio outside of the commissary, I plopped all of my respective “Peggy,
Alicia, Wendy and Kevin” weary butts down in a chair <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(tight fit, but we managed!) </i>to eavesdrop on the conversation as our
Director regaled the crowd with spectacular stories of his childhood in
Hollywood.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As one of his neighbors happened to
be none other than Walt Disney (<u>THE</u> WALT DISNEY); it so happened that
our Director was not only AT the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the opening of
Disneyland, but having grown up as a child actor on a 1950’s sit-com, raised by
one of THE most famous Radio Actors, and surrounded by none other than casual neighbors
such as Liza Minnelli and Lana Turner (OMG!), he also managed to befriend Stan
Laurel of “Laurel and Hardy”, simply by finding Mr. Laurel’s name in the
telephone book.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(WOW!!!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Yes
children of the Net, actual names, addresses and home phone numbers were
PRINTED in paper BOOKS!)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: #6aa84f;">“So where are you from, Penny?” our
illustrious Director suddenly asked me out of the blue.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Now, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">these</i>
are the type of moments in Hollywood that <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never</i>
make sense to me...)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Glancing over my shoulder to see
whom what significantly more interesting person the Director might actually be
speaking to, I was somewhat mortified to find that his question was pointed at
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(But,
but, but hold up...<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wasn’t I Peggy?!)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Indiana” I blubbered (mostly
stupefied that the Director knew my name.)<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Where exactly in Indiana?” our
Director eagerly wanted to know.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Fort Wayne” I stammered awkwardly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s where my parents met!” he
beamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Is the Emboyd Theatre still there?”
he inquired as I searched my mental pea-brain archives to no avail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Oh wait, they changed the name to “The
Embassy” in 1952” he recollected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But because
there was a snow storm one night that kept them all stranded there, my mom (who
was in Vaudeville), met my dad (who was in Radio) got together and now here I
am!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(WOW!!!)<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Having run the usual gamut from
“Peggy” back to Penny (and sort of everywhere in between); and contemplating
the luminous current presence of my Hollywood career congruent to my proud
Indiana past <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I worked behind the scenes
on a play in downtown Ft. Wayne when I was like twelve!);</i> and appreciating
the delightful dichotomy that The Universe is so willing offer when you listen
to your heart, I once again sat quietly in Gratitude, embracing a Zen-like week
of solitude on hiatus from my show.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Until...</span></i><span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK, so since we don’t service this type
of unit anymore, we had to order a new model after you called The Gas Company <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and told your Landlord about your furnace” the
independent contractor wiggled around on my fleur-de-lis area rug with a
flashlight as he stared up into the heart and hearth of my bat-cave’s building.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Understood,” I nodded in
acquiescence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I’m sorry, you are?” I
asked, particularly ‘Peggy-Sensitive’ to the humble importance of actually
knowing someone’s name.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #3333ff; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, sorry!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m Luiz, and that’s Oscar” Luiz pointed as his
co-worker suddenly arrived at my front door; Oscar eagerly shaking my hand as
he loaded in a plethora of weighty tools, a step ladder and a hefty jug of
Gatorade.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We’re gonna have to cut a giant
hole in your wall, so maybe you should just go into your bedroom and shut the door,
‘cause this is gonna get really noisy”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luiz recommended as he pulled out a tape measure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh
dear...)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Your home is going to be nice and
toasty, just in time for the on-coming rain!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Luiz assured me as he scuttled me away from every manner of
floor-covering blankets and miscellaneous maniacal-looking mechanical apparatuses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“But before we start sawing, can I use your
bathroom?” Luiz asked politely as I indicated the path down the hall. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Can I go too, after he’s done?” Oscar
piped up eagerly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #0000cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so it was that all before 9:30
on a hiatus Monday morning, both Luiz and Oscar took alternating wizzes in my
toilet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">As far as the moments in life <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Hollywood or otherwise)</i> that DO make
sense to me, I think The Universe elbowed an excellent nudging reminder in my
direction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00b050; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whether or not we’re “below-the-line”
or “above-the-line” people, we’re all still equal as human beings and thus (at
the very least), I believe we all deserve an ounce of kindness from one another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(SERIOUSLY
lady; I just needed ONE napkin for my bagel!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>*sigh*)<o:p></o:p></i></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Nevertheless!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My attitude of Gratitude could not
be shaken.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My Zen-like hiatus week of contemplation
on the great equality of humanity would know no boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was both uplifted and yet humbled
as a human being.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I was truly blessed!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I had been enlightened!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; tab-stops: center 3.25in;">
<span style="color: #00cc00; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After
all, I was <s>Peggy</s>, er, um, Penny!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And
yet...<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<span style="color: #7030a0; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a bam-bam-bam bang on my front
door shortly after my new furnace had been installed, I winced at just what fresh
Hell could now be expected as I yet again welcomed Oscar into my home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I wanted to make sure you know how to use
the thermostat!” he smiled, indicating the sliding temperature lever on the
wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(It’s a LEVER.)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Plus, your
Landlord wants to see how we did”, Oscar bounced around from foot to foot as I
once again tacitly pointed him back to the bathroom. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Oh kind friend, I’ve seen the
enemy, and thine enemy’s name is apparently Gatorade!) </i><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Whilst thousands (?) of us in Tinsel
Town have yet to be recognized for our Lifetime Achievements; whilst our often unappreciated
hard labor maybe rarely noticed; and whilst our spectacular singular
performances most worthy of any sort of coveted Golden Statuette are so often casually
dismissed as a <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>given</u></i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>I think I speak for most of us
below-the-line workers who continue to embrace our good fortune as to the
opportunities towards contributing to the collaborative process of creating the
Magic of Hollywood. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And so, it is with great gratitude,
humbleness and immense appreciation; that I wish to thank The Academy of The
Universe as I present to all of my fellow unsung heroes, your very own “Luiz”
in recognition of your most-often unnoticed yet spectacular
accomplishments:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWEtsZQDnLvEkYeFt20ZQnIPRgh6LEfvtFipSxvh5c7ShROmd050lsTSJhV83UbOzTniuWBU4Hctp2CPxb-6aO93lqcEHr7dUuQuPNIwZ40zAK8OgFtRLuAQB-Kw3v9bC02DZm8BqJukjU/s1600/Luiz+and+the+furnace.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWEtsZQDnLvEkYeFt20ZQnIPRgh6LEfvtFipSxvh5c7ShROmd050lsTSJhV83UbOzTniuWBU4Hctp2CPxb-6aO93lqcEHr7dUuQuPNIwZ40zAK8OgFtRLuAQB-Kw3v9bC02DZm8BqJukjU/s1600/Luiz+and+the+furnace.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: #cc00cc; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(I'd give you an Oscar, but he had to go potty again.)</span></div>
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Cheers to all who give their all,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="color: magenta; font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~Warm and toasty P </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div>
Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4703601495801137233.post-76269412984685595792014-02-25T23:13:00.000-08:002014-03-08T02:09:19.715-08:00The Up-Grade Down-Low Blood-Flow<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKIpeoNMJmHuatLzlf15LJ7zJclp20h70NPwdfmg21FuZOsYYT4urRvonn9jpkJXsa3q-USn3UruO5aWr_JP4Ko3YkpaO3erC0MShDp0VmHXDVKjs3wkfsYPSl7gTTsa99D4gkycxu1-pK/s1600/Dracula.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKIpeoNMJmHuatLzlf15LJ7zJclp20h70NPwdfmg21FuZOsYYT4urRvonn9jpkJXsa3q-USn3UruO5aWr_JP4Ko3YkpaO3erC0MShDp0VmHXDVKjs3wkfsYPSl7gTTsa99D4gkycxu1-pK/s1600/Dracula.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“You <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DO</i>
realize that this is not a date, right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>You’re not entertaining company Pen, it’s just a service technician
coming to your home in the morning to upgrade your cable” my friend Rose calmly
talked me down from the ceiling where I’d been dangling in a semi-neurotic frenzied
mind-loop of horrific potential outcomes for the last three hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You don’t have to clean.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t need to do anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just invite him in and offer him a
beverage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He just wants to do his job
and be on his way” Rose reassured me as I poured a voddy the night before to
calm my nerves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“And no matter what you
think of the dust bunnies, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">trust me</i>,
he’s seen worse” she added soothingly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Although, how cool would it be if you propped your door open and
greeted him by rising out of your coffin table?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“I <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">DO</i>
have a black velvet cape!” I beamed; slowly beginning to feel slightly more
comfortable with the prospect of a mere mortal entering my beloved bat-cave
sanctuary.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">After all, how bad could it be?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But please let me escort you, dear kindest readers,
back a day or two...<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Served with a notification that I would be losing
programming listing and most of my channels without the acquisition of an
adapter for High Def, I reluctantly called my cable provider in a minor panic. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“To be perfectly honest Penny, I’m not even sure how
you’ve been receiving our cable services this long without having even ONCE
upgraded your system” the representative on the phone Mark marveled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tell me again, HOW do you watch TV?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, cable comes through my wall and it’s
plugged into my TiVo, and the TiVo is plugged into my television, land line and
WiFi” I explained to the best of my knowledge, having jerry-rigged my convoluted
system over the years (maybe or maybe not with some duct tape).<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hmm...” Mark mused as he pulled up my computer
records.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Is your phone number still
213-***-****?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No, the area code split like ten years ago” I
clarified.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And you’re still paying the retail price of about
$76.00 a month for basic cable?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Uh-huh” I confirmed.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Well, I’m not sure how to break this to you
Penny, but we’ve been offering basic cable rates for about a decade at around
$40.00.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The HD adapter will be about two
dollars for installation, and the cable card will cost $1.50 a month, but
you’ll be saving about thirty bucks a month on your bill.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">WHAAAT???!!!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So flashing forward once again, my friend Rose was
quite right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had nothing to worry
about, and whilst I’d need to be present for the miniscule amount of time for
the service technician, I’d be saving bundles of money!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So seriously, how bad could it be?<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Bolted awake at 8:30am by my land-line and a call
from the cable company to re-confirm my appointment designated between the hours
of 10 and 11am, I assured the representative that I was indeed at home, and
that yes, my TiVo (from years ago) was installed and running properly – an
interesting fact which apparently made the lady moderately annoyed. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">But still, I had an hour and a half of sleep in
quiet solitude!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Until...</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">9:30am:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Bolting awake yet again to answer my land-line, I
was alarmed to find that my service technician had already arrived on-site with
cables, devices, card-adapter-thing-a-ma-jiggies and what-not in hand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(I didn’t
even have time to don my black velvet cape!)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">And “welcoming” the stranger into my dark abode, I
led him into the forbidden lair wherein my LG LED TV awaited the new blood
infusion of “O Positive” HD, only to discover that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">I</i></b> would be the one in
need of a transfusion...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Doesn’t that lamp
work?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, OK it <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">does </i>work so I can see in here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Oh, and you already have a splitter in the closet?” faux-hawk-haired
cheery “Marlon” rooted through my bedroom, randomly stripping cables and
stapling wires over a door; his weighty cologne wafting willy-nilly throughout
my<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sanctuary as I curled up into an
uncomfortable ball of anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Are you cold or
something?” he asked in confusion as I continued to shrink, grateful that I’d
taken the time the night before to throw a skull-embossed hand towel <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(thank you, Richard!) </i>over my underwear
in the pyramid of my laundry baskets.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hey, isn’t that the
guy from “Full House?”” Marlon marveled as he popped up out of my closet,
eyeballing an autographed photo from Comedic Actor Bob Saget on my bedroom
bureau.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“He’s a funny guy!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really know Bob Saget?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is he really a funny guy in person too?” Marlon
wanted to know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Seriously?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a coffin in my living room, you had to
walk past an alley of gargoyles and duck your head under a low-hanging bat to
get to the inner sanctum, and the only thing you notice in the whole entire apartment
is a picture of Bob Saget???)</span></i><br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBZ8AxLenWIRkC5kBS-qCMG4B9fXoaOsJaeyb2v8pH6jh17H91clhLrggtzx-2WpZU7CGZ6VADtG6d0eR_Zq66S2caAzksavUUaCGn2RHsWtD5bD2OKh1Qha8weYqs2YxrErdC47Gs7i5/s1600/Bob+Saget+1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQBZ8AxLenWIRkC5kBS-qCMG4B9fXoaOsJaeyb2v8pH6jh17H91clhLrggtzx-2WpZU7CGZ6VADtG6d0eR_Zq66S2caAzksavUUaCGn2RHsWtD5bD2OKh1Qha8weYqs2YxrErdC47Gs7i5/s1600/Bob+Saget+1.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“My Supervisor just
texted me that he should be here in about 30 minutes with the other
adapter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, are you from California?”
the questions continued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Where’s
Indiana?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you have a lot of
family?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do they cry when they see you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mine cried when I moved in with my Aunt and
that was only for a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you
probably talk all the time, I mean at least once a week or so right?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you mean you hadn’t visited them for
eight years before last June?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My son is
one year and three months – see his picture?” Marlon offered his I-Phone screen
saver of a toddler named Ivan Renaldo sporting a taupe fedora and Aviator sunglasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“His Mom and I fought for like a year, and
she told me to leave if I was only there for my son, but now we don’t fight as
much, so things are better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you stay
in touch with Bob Saget?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What do you do
for a living?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you in the
movies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t like Brad Pitt or Tom
Cruise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve worked in a lot of famous
people’s houses in this neighborhood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are
you famous too?” he raised his eyebrows hopefully.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Good
grief...)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So you seriously
started your acting career on “Saved by the Bell”?” Marlon beamed
wide-eyed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Salvado por la Campana” <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(sp?)</i> is HUGE in my country!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m from Honduras, and my baby-mama is
Guatemalan, and we were just talking about that show yesterday!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to text her right now! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Zack and Mario Lopez are so funny!” he
squealed, whipping out his I-Phone once again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“Were you a teacher or something?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>What episodes were you in?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We can
Netflix you!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Oh,
FFS...)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So you only work in
TV?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why don’t you work in movies?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I’ll see you some day in the movies?” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Marlon wondered, lounging on his knees, a
casual haphazard arm slung over the door knob of my inner sanctum, accidentally
knocking some of my belts to the ground as he attempted to grasp both my
clothing accessories and the impossibly absurd idea that not everyone aspires
to star in feature films.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(For
the love of God, forget the cape; just close the lid on my coffin NOW.)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So you don’t have
any children?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHY don’t you have any
children?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you really live all by
yourself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t you get lonely?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You should be dating.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or are you not <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">capable </i>of having children?” he tilted his head forlornly, now
seated most comfortably cross-legged on my floor; my very own pot-bellied Honduran
twenty-three-year-old unapologetic judgmental Buddha with a two inch faux-hawk clad
in work boots, tool belt and reflective yellow safety vest.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Enduring the undying,
on-going two hour session of soul-sucking, ridiculously uncomfortable invasive
interrogation from Marlon as to his inquisitions regarding my career, my dating
habits and my personal choice as to not procreate, I politely excused myself
from the room, strode directly to my kitchen, and <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(whilst I’m not particularly proud of this moment),</i> at exactly
11:11am, I took a hearty swig of vodka straight from the bottle out of my
freezer!<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“So sorry for the
delay” Marlon’s Supervisor “Will” suddenly appeared through the front door as
he shook my hand cordially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“We don’t
generally keep adapters for TiVo boxes in store, as of course we prefer our
customers to use our company’s DVRs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
had to drive to Hawthorne and back.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s true” Marlon
piped up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“In fact, if you don’t answer
the phone when we call you like really stupid early, we just skip the job and
figure you’ll reschedule.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(WOW.)</i><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>“But you should switch to our internet service!” he rallied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What do you have, ATT?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ours is much cheaper!” Marlon professionally sales
pitched in front of his boss.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 12pt 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“And yet your company
froze the FOX channel during the Super Bowl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The SUPER BOWL” I stated emphatically, “to which I’m apparently going to
receive a free Movie on Demand or a five dollar Visa gift card?” I scoffed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Again,
not proud of it, but that shot of voddy gave me a dose of liquid courage and a
voice!)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Dude, that totally
sucks” Marlon scowled, tossing an elbow over the top of my bedroom door like he
now owned the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“They should give
you like fifty or a hundred bucks for that” he scrunched up his nose as his
Supervisor politely stared him down.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Now as I’m not
exactly fluent in Spanish, I took the opportunity to curl up once again for the
next fifteen minutes into my bat-like fetal position to hang from the ceiling
wherein I could dangle in a once again neurotic stasis and observe the outré
experience of now TWO cologne-wearing gentleman exchanging words in a foreign
language as they crept and crawled around the floor of my beloved sanctuary. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Sorry for the dust
bunnies” I volunteered awkwardly.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“No problem
Miss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your place is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">seriously</i> clean compared to what we usually see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re just glad you don’t have any spider
colonies or snakes in here.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(EEK!!!)</span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Thank you again for
your patience” Supervisor Will shook my hand as Marlon presented me with my new
High Def cable line-up of channels numbering in the hundreds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(HUNDREDS, FFS!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Please feel free to call us any time if you
have any questions” they smiled professionally as I signed the clipboard
pertaining to their visit and escorted them to the door.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Where you REALLY on
“Saved by the Bell?” low-key Supervisor Will suddenly “Ethel Mertzed” me in my
living room before I could bolt the door shut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Uh-huh” I nodded
uncomfortably.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Marlon texted me
when I was driving here that you actually played a ‘Valley Girl’ on camera two
times and you had some voice-over things?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>My wife and I are from El Salvador and she and I just LOVE that show,
and we are SO gonna Netflix you!”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">(Um,
thank you!)<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">>>><<<<o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">With a white
unscented tea candle lit in my bedroom to cleanse away the presence of the
strangers <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(and absorb the invasive
cologne),</i> I was once again at peace in my sanctuary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And unfolding the grandeur of my bat wings to
embrace the solitude for the next few days, my world <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(if only momentarily!)</i> finally made a modicum of sense.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Neither confirming
nor denying the fact that I may or may not be sleeping in my black velvet cape
this evening,<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">~One (seriously
drained), O Positive P<o:p></o:p></span>Pennyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04106831324794353723noreply@blogger.com2