The Comedic Timing Transmutation

“Are you completely comfortable using your left hand without breaking his nose?” a Very Mighty Power That Be asked me sincerely, as I stood stupidly on set in front of four cameras, trying VERY hard to process the logistics of the absurd situation and how on earth my world could have possibly evolved into such a profoundly surreal moment.

“Yes Sir!” I replied confidently and obediently in a nanosecond.

“Excellent!” the Power strode away to confer with the Director and a few fellow Producers just minutes prior to shooting.

Oh, good grief...  What had I gotten myself into this time?

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Just to back up a day for you on the events, the original offer seemed both benign and possibly ludicrous, er, lucrative; as whilst I’d rather avoid performing any manner of Background work WHATSOEVER, our warm-hearted AD appealed to our Second Team both compassionately (and financially).

“The UPM doesn’t want to risk our Lead Actor getting injured, so she’s really hoping that five of you would be willing to step up and participate in the “M” scene.  I can’t promise you that you’ll get a Contract or scripted dialogue, but you’d be doing us a huge favor!” she clasped her hands together pleadingly, as five of us immediately caved in.

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So there I stood, a Background Actor.

Having successfully made the grade with the Wardrobe Department (who most wonderfully promised to have our garments cleaned by the next morning, and reminded us all to have a change of clothes on the day); having been (ironically) touched up by the Make-Up Department who took the time to take pictures prior to the filming (you’ll understand in a moment); and with a few takes to make sure that the beginning of the scene was clean, covered and in the can by the multi-cam operators, we prepared for the scripted final shot.

(And thus, I welcome you back to the beginning...)

“Are you completely comfortable using your left hand without breaking his nose?” a Very Mighty Power That Be asked me sincerely, as I stood stupidly on set in front of four cameras, trying VERY hard to process the logistics of the absurd situation and how on earth my world could have possibly evolved into such a profoundly surreal moment.

But WAIT!!!

Once again, my tale of timing requires yet a bit more backstory.

Flash back with me if you will... 

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So there I stood as an adolescent in Indiana; pictures of my Teen Idol ripped from the pages of Tiger Beat magazine thumb-tacked to the corkboard on my bedroom wall.  (Dreamy!)

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And then, there too I stood; standing-in on a Sit-Com (maybe ten years ago for nine episodes?) wherein I came to appreciate my former Teen Idol as a professional Director.  (Respect.)

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But on this current day that I speak of (when apparently The Universe desired a belly-busting Cosmic chuckle that I shall FOREVER savor as a comedic Actress); I quietly listened patiently and professionally for my cue.

Granted I was deaf in one ear and blind in one eye, not to mention somewhat distracted by the chilly ooze of God-Knows-What drizzling down my cleavage, but by golly, I was going to hit my mark if it killed me!

“Action!”

And with one fell swoop (after a single word of dialogue from our Lead Actor) I physically bopped the crap out of my once Teen Idol with a full pan of chocolate cream pie smack dab in his face; a haphazard halo of graham cracker crust clinging stickily to his brow.  (Awesome!!!)

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Now for those of you who’ve never experienced the joy of a real live pie fight amongst TEN people (prior to the Hero shot, and all new to me!), here’s a few tips. 

Number one; be prepared for the gooey floor to feel like a giant patch of slippery ice wherein you must tense up every muscle in your body to prevent falling down (yikes!). 

Number two; NOTHING can mentally prepare you for the first whack to the face, as although you’re anticipating the missile, that’s still a helluva shock to the cranium! 

And number three; cream pies have a unique way of lodging themselves in the most unlikely and unpleasant places of the human body...  (This is a lesson I learned over the course of the next six hours and forty-two minutes; as despite Wet Naps and hand towels (and my ponytail wadded up into a glue-like knot), I still had to finish out the day as a Stand-In, randomly clawing leftover chunks of goop off my head with my fingernails before we wrapped and I could go home to take a shower.)

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Tonging some healthy fresh fruit at Craft Services the next morning (I know!  Never thought I’d be repulsed by a morning pastry in my lifetime!), I smiled politely at the Very Mighty Power That Be who strode into the room as I proceeded to immediately avert my eyes (as one in my job capacity is generally expected to do).

“Hey, thanks for agreeing to do the pie fight yesterday, Penny” the Nicest Power in the Whole Wide World smiled.  “That scene was so much fun to watch!” he continued pleasantly.  “And I can’t tell you what a giant relief it was to all of us to know that we have such a great team who we trust and are so excellent at their jobs!”

“I think we were all just happy to help!” I beamed sincerely as I subsequently took my leave and scampered off into the shadows as I am wont to do.

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Ever so delighted to have had the experiences; phenomenally grateful for the financial Contract (!!!) from The Powers That Be, and never more thankful in my life for having actual running water in my home,

~Hollywood “pie-eyed” P (see below):