THE DEN OF INIQUITY

 

"The Rebellious Slave" ~ Michelangelo (circa 1513)

I can’t lie...  It took at least two women and more than six men to get me there.

Personally, I found the entire experience extremely exhausting and humiliating, as I don’t speak the lingo, nor did I have ONE IOTA of a desire to engage in their decadent lifestyle. 

But what choice did I have if I needed immediate gratification?

Sure, the somewhat anonymous on-line chats had goaded me, prompted me, and ultimately challenged me to face my fears, but nothing could’ve truly prepared me for the real deal...

And yes, fictional “Agent Jared” could’ve come to my house for about a hundred bucks depending on my “special needs”, but if he required “additional hardware”, well, that would definitely cost extra...

So with a brave face, I applied some make-up, donned my favorite motorcycle boots and took a walk on the wild side into the local Sado-Masochistic Dungeon.

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“Can I help you?” the Best Buy sales associate wondered as I stood like a startled deer in headlights amongst the throngs of Holiday shopping traffic.

“Uh” I think I blathered submissively.

“What is it that I can do for you?” he continued coaxing me, as well-rehearsed on-line chatter vulgarly filtered down from my pea-brain and apparently eventually spilled out of my mouth.  “No problem!” he smiled, pointing me to the Computer Center.

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“Hi!  How may I assist you today?” the next sales associate wondered as the unspeakable, vile vocabulary (repugnant to my virgin ears!), attempted to form in the back of my throat.

“What’s that?” he frowned curiously, pushing his glasses further onto his face.

And steeling myself, I uttered the following foul words to an innocent, pimply faced teenager, who was some mother’s joy and didn’t deserve to hear such profanity:  “I apparently NEED a router and an Ethernet cable” I uttered shamefully. 

(Oh, the HORROR!!!)

“Got it.  Give me one minute!” he smiled professionally as I stood resolutely clinging to a pole next to the cashier’s machine whilst my Best Buy friend traipsed from aisle to aisle.  “This should take care of your issues” he beamed, scanning one item into the computer.

And with the impending swipe of a Debit Card, I’d almost joined the Dark Side...

Until...

“There’s got to be a ‘safety’ word” I thought to myself, having caught up on over a month of Criminal Minds and CSI (and yeah, a pantload of episodes of The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, who ALWAYS has a safety word!)

“What could it be?  What could it be?” I fretted, fearful of adopting a completely new lifestyle without any real guidance other than on-line chats with the Geek Squad and TiVo Support.

“Hmm... ‘Banana’?” I wondered.  (No, that just seemed creepy.)  “Gryffindor?”  (No, that might actually excite the Harry Potter fans in the Dungeon.)  No, the safety word would have to be something completely innocuous...  But what could it be?

My DVR was threatening me that my land line was incapable of downloading the newest software, and all program guide info would completely disappear after 3pm that afternoon; leaving me feeling hopeless that on my last week of hiatus, I’d be Christopher Columbus sailing into the dark abyss off the edge of the map!!!  

And after all the hard work that I’d put into our sit-com, I would end up missing the Season Premiere??? 

WTF?

But then, like a lightning bolt from The Universe, the ‘safety’ word(s) came to me.  Yes!  I had a strategy!!!

“Well, as I explained”, the Best Buy associate continued (he'd been talking while all of the previous inner dialogue had been spinning in my head?), “all you need to do is unplug the cord from your DSL to your computer, and the wireless router will give you four more ports.  So just plug the cable that comes with THIS router into your modem.”

“I’m sorry, one more time please?” I winced, feeling very much like Charlie Brown in school unable to understand his teacher.

“See, this router has its own cable.  So, that replaces your DSL cable from your computer and modem, which makes the wireless connection you need to download the software update from TiVo, which seems to be too large of a file to access through your land line” he explained ever-so helpfully. 

(“Whanh whanh whanh whanh waa...” Charlie Brown’s teacher continued as my eyes began to glaze over.)

“Does that make sense to you?” the most patient human being whatever lived asked.

“So... nothing gets plugged into the TiVo box?” I seriously tried to follow his logic which was flying right over my hair spray.  “I just buy this Wireless router, and then I have WiFi?” I wondered, completely lost in an unfamiliar Dungeon whose Captor’s language I do not speak.

“Oh, no!” he laughed.  “That’s a COMPLETELY different system configuration” he explained. 

(Seriously, was I being “Punk’d”?)

“Well then, won’t I also need the Ethernet cable?” I pawed at my chin thoughtfully, hearkening back to all of the on-line chat advice.

“How far away is your modem from your DVR?” Best Buy guy wondered.

“Maybe twenty feet?” I offered (imagining myself splayed on the floor, battling the forever lurking Dust Bunny Brigade and just what fresh hell THAT was going to turn into.)

“OK!  I gotcha covered!” he beamed, having scampered away and retrieving a 25 foot Ethernet cable.  “Will that be cash or charge?”

And with the impending swipe of my Debit Card once again, I’d almost joined the Dark Side...

Until...

Yes, kind readers, it was time for the safety word.

“Post-it Note” I crossed my arms and nodded confidently.  (OK, so I may never be a big-time Dominatrix in the dark belly of the underworld known as “technology”, but by golly, I wasn’t paying one red cent (pardon the pun!) without knowing FOR SURE what the heck I was doing!)

“I’m sorry, what?” the friendly sales associate shook his head in confusion.

“I apologize for being so stupid” I threw my hands up in the air, “but can you just write down on a Post-it Note EXACTLY what I need to do when I get home?”

“Do we have Post-it Notes here?” he wondered to his fellow co-worker.

“Why would we have those when there’s email?”

“Um...  Back in a sec!” my heroic sales clerk trotted off to a back room office, returned with pen and paper in hand, and took the time to jot down systematically the process that I needed to follow.  :)

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I must say, I’ve learned a lot this week!

#1.  I really kind of horribly suck at asking for technological help when I need it.  At the age of eleven or so, I could hack computer codes and figure out how to win the games back then!  (Of course now, I’m lucky if I can answer my cell phone within five rings before accidentally dropping it.)

#2.  Whilst the words “Post-it Note” may not be an escape everywhere you travel, I can almost guarantee it will at least momentarily stop a Genius in its tracks.

#3.  A router and an Ethernet cable will indeed allow you to download software that a land line cannot handle.  (Just be prepared and wear long-sleeved gloves, because it can be really dust-bunny icky!)

And as my new electronic friends introduced themselves to each other in my Sanctuary, they configured, negotiated, and eventually learned to speak each other’s language.  (Just what language that is, I’ll never understand...)

Oh, my Universe almost made sense!!!

They were communicating!  They were bonding!  They were... suddenly disconnected?

OY!

“How may I assist you?” the supportive TiVo agent wanted to know in yet another one of my painfully bothersome on-line chats.

“I purchased everything I needed today, and I’m certain I followed the manual” I typed into the box.

“Do me a favor” he responded.  “Unplug the Ethernet cord, and plug it back in.  You should see a green light and a blinking yellow light.”

Hunh...  Wouldja look at that?!?! 

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Spending the night safely in my bed, curled up in a fetal position and positively terrified to touch anything until downloading is complete with my new “wireless” system...  (See below:)

 

A slave to my TiVo,

~Your most humble friend, Penny

p.s. “Thank You!” to all at Tivo/Support and the Geek Squad for putting up with my ignorance, and for your patience with me!  (Please don’t computer-remotely take over my blog!  I know you have the power!!!  :D  )