How to Make an Entrance!

The hilarious Harvey Korman and brilliant comedic genius Carol Burnett,

 spoofing "Norma Desmond" from the 1950 film, Sunset Boulevard.

 

My Epic Production

With the luxury of having our scripts emailed to the Crew over the weekend, I sat happily in my pajamas, leisurely preparing for work.  By definition, our Director for the week was “new” to us, but as he’s also our Editor, we all know each other and are well-versed in each other’s talents.  At the very least, I could be certain that as soon as he read the script; he’d already be making cutting choices early in the week! 

And as I finished my own homework, I was delighted that the only possible worst case scenario on Monday would be getting the timing right for an uncast Guest Actor who only had two lines.  Her cue followed what was sure to be a roar from the Audience, so making a mental note that I’d have to do a bit of “kerfuffling”; I set the alarm for 6:30am and went to sleep without a care.

4:30am. Wide awake...  (Hmm...)

Deciding that The Universe didn’t wish to jar me noisily from my cozy slumber on a drizzly morning, I snuggled into my pillow and watched the news as early rising commuters plowed into each other all over the freeways, causing massive traffic delays, as the year-round-tanned Weatherman tracked “STORM WATCH” as well as one fourth of an inch of terribly dangerous misting!

Good grief.

Blissfully for me however, my path to employment is ridiculously short, but even so, it only made common sense to leave the house a little early.  And donning a baseball cap, arriving to work with extra time on my hands (thank goodness, as I was re-routed to the farthest parking structure in order to accommodate 300 Dancers, who were apparently hired for a Holiday Extravaganza episode of something – and, ya know, God FORBID those ATHLETIC people have to WALK, FFS), I eventually strolled onto my stage for my first hearty breakfast after a two week hiatus.

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With a hefty chunk of rehearsal accomplished before we broke for lunch, I wandered back to Craft Services, and mentioned to my friend JB that I was feeling a wee bit loopy.  I assumed it was due to waking up so early – a cruel Act of Mother Nature that often occurs to her – and foregoing the entrees at the moment, I opted for a brownie as an appetizer to raise my blood sugar level.

Unfortunately, three bites into the lovely baked yumminess, I started to feel a tad warm and queasy, and completely out of character, I actually threw away the brownie.  (I know!  WTF?)

But hey, it wasn’t anything a bit of chilly weather couldn’t cure, right?

Stepping outside into the brisk air, finding an abandoned chair next to the stage, I squealed in joy as two of my favorite fellow Stand-Ins, Lori and Christi approached down the midway for hugs!  And for the short amount of time we got to spend chick-chatting, I felt absolutely great!  Christi had even brought me a book of short stories she thought I might enjoy!

Unfortunately however, walking back on stage to put said gifted book into my backpack, my queasiness returned as I could feel my face flushing.  Luckily, the Cast were doing some Publicity in their dressing rooms which lengthened our half hour lunch, which also ensured that I had a few minutes more to sit invisibly in the Audience seating.

But as my Gorgeous Actress emerged onto the set, I plucked up my script and began my usual scamper onto the stage.

I remember my co-worker James was in the midst of telling me something, but I couldn’t quite follow what he was saying as we walked together...

I think I made it as far as the proscenium of the third set on stage before putting my hand up in a helpless “you don’t want to see this” shooing-away gesture.

Yes, kind readers, in all of my glamorous Hollywood experiences, I now have the Distinct displeasure of adding to my resume, the highly unfortunate Dishonor of planting my face into a trash can, clutching dearly for life, and regurgitating my stomach contents in front of my skeleton Crew.

Yay...

Not surprisingly, the next few minutes were a wee bit blurry...

From beneath the small cover of my baseball cap and watery eyes, I saw feet scurrying, heard a Director’s chair dragged behind me, had paper towels, bottled water, a wet compress and Ginger Ale offered with a cup and a straw, was offered a shorter seat, was rubbed comfortingly on the back a few times, and distinctly heard someone demand the Lot Medic to the stage.  And stupidly trying to hold my scarf and studio ID behind my neck (hey, I’ve EARNED that badge!!!) I pawed blindly for the roll of paper towels with one hand.  “Here ya go, sweetie” someone in sneakers immediately placed one in my clutches.

Good Heavens!

I’d suddenly become the center scene of some sort of Cecile B. DeMille-esque Feature Film with “A Cast of Thousands!”  I don’t think I even received that much attention the first time I barfed on my parents as an infant! 

And maybe seconds (?) later, I heard the soothing voice of the Studio Nurse Tammi (whom I’ve known for decades) who had barreled to the stage (as she does!) ask me if I was OK and exactly what had happened.

“Queasy.  Skipped lunch.  Got all sweaty. Threw up” I think I said, wiping snot off of my face with a shaky clump of tissues.  “Do I feel feverish?” I wondered, since I was sweating profusely – mostly from the horrifically humiliating scenario happening all around me as more and more shoes gathered around the train wreck. (Which, ya know, is everyone’s heart’s desire to have an audience at that moment.)

“Let me check”, she smiled, stuffing something cold on the back of my neck in my scarf and offering me a shot of Pepto-Bismol as she searched her medical case.  “Hmm...  I think I only have rectal thermometers in here...” she mused sadly.

“WHAT???” I panicked, already embarrassed beyond belief.

“I’m kidding, Pen!” she laughed.  “But that’s a good sign that it’s probably nothing serious.  Open your mouth, and give me a finger to monitor your heart rate.”

(Ooh, if I didn’t love her, she’d have gotten the middle finger!)

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With Tammi’s report complete to the ADs that my vitals were fine, she left it to their discretion as to whether or not to send me home (unless of course I regurgitated again.)

But by the sheer kindness of my ADs, not only did they release me, but they had also devised various plans to get me home should I be unable to drive myself.

(Believe me; the offers were tempting and UNBELIEVABLY appreciated!)

But I was bound and determined to retain at least one ounce of my dignity!

“Well, at least take these with you, if you’re going to drive yourself” Tammi insisted, plopping some items into my possession.

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Remembering that I’d had to park at the “North” Structure that morning, I must say that I was comforted to have been so well taken care of, as I made it PRECISELY to the closer bathroom facility, wherein whatever wayward existing anomaly in my system suddenly decided to attempt its journey “South”.  (Oh, the irony!)

(Ah, yes, an awesome job of maintaining my dignity.)

Eventually scooting over Laurel Canyon like a bat outta hell, Cecilia (my ’97 Toyota) couldn’t get me home fast enough to peel off my clothes and allow me to whimper in cold chills as I pulled the blankets up to my chin.

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With incredibly sore muscles that (I’m guessing) only bulimic Supermodels use, I eventually sat up a few hours later on the edge of my bed weakly, and wondered what the heck was spilling over the brim of my already weighty purse.

Oooh!  There was the cold thingie that Tammi had stuffed into my scarf!

 

Oh, and how thoughtful!  Belly-helper packets! 

Yet little did I know, Christmas came early this year...

 

AWW!  MY VERY OWN TO-GO BIOHAZARDOUS WASTE BAG!!!

“Kerfuffling” at my utter lack of ability to find the words of gratitude to properly THANK EVERYONE, who took a moment to help or comfort me, please know that every single effort was DEEPLY APPRECIATED.

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My Epic Production – The Sequel

Having banked approximately 19 hours of sleep on our day off (a personal record!), I awoke relatively refreshed and ready for a simple day of rehearsal.  Granted, I was still a bit achy and weak from lack of sustenance, but my tasks would consist of nothing more than sitting, watching, laughing and taking notes.  Our run-thru was at 2:30pm and I would easily be home by 4pm!

My tummy had passed its morning beta-test successfully, as three saltines were deemed “acceptable”, yet my hands seemed a tad shaky (most noticeably when I sat down in front of the mirror to apply eyeliner – well, Hello, Chriss Angel!).  Oh, but that would soon be quelled with breakfast!

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As happily predicted, Wednesday was indeed easy-peasy!  Not wanting to push my limits, yet hungry for some kind of bland food in the belly, I actually nibbled two small blueberry pancakes sans butter or maple syrup.  (Life good!) 

And whilst I love the taco day catering we get now and again for lunch, I limited my intake to some rice and nacho chips.  (Life great!) 

And gearing up for our run-thru, I joyfully picked up my plate of remaining chips like popcorn at the movies in the darkness of the Audience seating, popped one greasy triangle in my mouth, stood up for a better view, grabbed the safety railings that meet at the corner, and with proper balance that braced my back muscles, hurled my lunch into yet another trash can.  (Life cruel!)

Yay...

“Go HOME Penny” my First AD nodded sympathetically, as our Stage PA promptly brought me tissues and water after confirming that I didn’t require the assistance Nurse Tammi. 

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I must say, this past week taught me a much needed lesson about my control issues. 

I’ve never been one to take a sick day and miss a paycheck, nor have I ever allowed myself not to try to excel to the best of my abilities whatever the situation.

But sometimes, you just have to let go and take care of YOU.

With humble gratitude to our Set PA, my ADs, our Set Dec, Props, Scripty, a fellow SI friend and Dimmer Board Op who all had the unfortunate experience of witnessing my “big splash in Hollywood” but wanted to make sure I was okay, THANK YOU.

Thanks also to our Crew who day-play on so many different shows, for noticing my absence after a weary fourteen-hour camera blocking day, and who all hoped I was feeling better!

And special thanks to my friend Tara for standing-in for me as a Stand-In for my Gorgeous Actress yesterday and today.  Whilst I’m 100% recovered, what an absolute JOY to return to work with a hearty appetite, and the meager “burden” of literally SITTING, in two simple scenes for Actresses who were not our Leading Lady!!!

Back on my feed, descending my staircase to the stage, and ready for my close-up next week, Mr. DeMille,

~Comeback Queen P  :)