Glamorous stand-in /Actress that I’ve become over the past twenty years, I looked forward to my winter hiatus. I’d recline elegantly with my regal feline sidekick as the Aristocracy is prone to do; lounge lazily in my pajamas, and perhaps even allow my throng of highly-paid attendants to peel me a few grapes.
Oh the world was my oyster! (Well, um, except that I’m actually allergic to shellfish and I have no attendants.)
Nevertheless!!!
Donning my hand-me-down Juicy Couture black velvet lounge pants from a well-known and generous Actress, I prepared for bed when the First of January Twinge hit my nose…
Clearly one of my upstairs neighbors had received his yearly “high end” cologne for the holidays which was slowly permeating my apartment…
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
>>><<<
Now, one might think that as I’m an admitted half a pack a day American Spirit cigarette smoker, my olfactory acuity might be a wee bit off the mark. Sure there could be a plant, a tree, a new perennial bulb in bloom!
All I know for sure is that I went to sleep, curled up with my blanket and kitty, and awoke to my cranium as possibly The World’s Largest Snot Factory…
(Please do indulge me in attempting to write common English as well as attempting to express what actually came out of my mouth. Feel free to read it out loud if it helps to interpret.)
>>><<<
“I geth I got by Chrithmath with” I sneezed for the gazillionth time. “All I wanthed wath a blanket ovah by hed and thum time ta thleep…” I shared with my heroic feline sidekick Pretty who was sitting upright confrontationally, staring at me like I was a drizzling abomination and showing absolutely no mercy in the moment. “I’b not thick, bind you, but by winther allageez hab kicked in!” I explained scientifically, logically and as clear as a bell to my kitty who (if she had actual ‘eyebrows’) might as well have been frowning.
“Poth nathal drip thucks! And I’b gonna need anobber thisshue…” I implored the High Court of Feline-icity-ness. (Yes I make up words – it’s just a blog post.) “Thee! Itsh all clear!” I offered as evidenced by the tell-tale lack of presence of any yellowish or green hues in my tissue.
Despite my pleas however (and her ability to wield an actual gavel), Judge Pretty literally “turned tail”, deemed me unworthy of any remedial immediate healing and burrowed somewhere into the depths of a closet; leaving me and my massively oversized drippy Charlie Brown head to bobble around and fend for ourselves.
But we would be OK! After all, I don’t have to go back to work until my next show which starts around January 16, so I could load up on allergy medication and handle the situation like a pro! I’d be post nasal drip free, get my appetite back (a seriously lousy side effect of some allergies when icky sinus stuff drains down the back of your throat) and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for Season Two of standing-in for a Gorgeous Actress that I admire and respect! Maybe I could even just suffer for a FEW more days, get some rest, drink plenty of fluids and ENJOY my last few nights of freedom from the 5:30am alarm clock!
And (no offense to Charlie Brown) I pulled up my blanket (ala Linus) close for comfort and slept for the next thirteen hours.
>>><<<
*Ring*
“Hewo?” I answered in a newly discovered baritone voice emanating from my on-going mucous-filled cranium and apparently snot-coated larynx.
“Hi Penny, I’m calling from Central! I know that you’re an amazing stand-in and wondered if you happen to have any experience with Teleprompters?”
“Ub-huh!” I wheezed cheerfully. “I dib a cubble-a DGA award shows!” I added helpfully, quietly stuffing a Puffs (Plus Lotion) tissue up a nostril to catch the unpleasant sitting-upright drainage. “I’b not great at it” I admitted, “but I’b done it! An I’b been assed back aghain!” I added proudly, stifling a sneeze into the crook of my inner elbow.
“Thanks for your honesty. It’s only a two day award show shooting this Saturday and Sunday anyway…”
*Click*
“Wait, whuh???”
>>><<<
Flopping my humongous snot-filled Linus head back down on the bed, grabbing my security blanket and flinging another tissue into the neighboring barrel of used Puffs I wondered if I’d said something wrong. I’m relatively consistent at booking employment! I’m excellent at my job! And people like me!!! (Well, MOST people like me!) Where did I go wrong?
>>><<<
Trodding into my bathroom (new tissue in hand should my sinuses begin their next cascade ala Niagara Falls), I gazed in the mirror (wondering momentarily how my enormous allergy head had managed to even fit through the doorway), as a stream of vitreous fluid seeped out of my right eye.
“Should I hab said subfrig else?” the baritone voice cleared its throat as it spoke; an orchestral cacophony of further disquieting noises echoing off the walls and into the sink.
YIKES!!!
Sometimes, I think you just need to accept your limits and call it a day!
>>><<<
Meanwhile, I’m choosing to believe that everything happens for a reason (Good grief, that award show could have been somewhere DOWNTOWN!); I’m glad that I left the house today and bought my box of Claritin early (what took me so long?), and I’m ever so thankful that I have a job to return to in the next two weeks!
>>><<<
Thinking of investing in Puffs, contemplating a letter to Claritin (which isn’t working as I’m still all disgustingly nose-drippy), and clutching my blanket for comfort,
~Sinus Linus “Big Head” P
3 comments:
Hope you're feeling better! It wasn't the Golden Globes was it?? That would be so fun!
Did you know you can shorten your long urls with AdFocus and make money from every visitor to your short links.
Are you paying more than $5 per pack of cigarettes? I buy all my cigs from Duty Free Depot and this saves me over 70% from cigs.
Post a Comment