Whose time?
Finding an unexpected FedEx door tag slapped on my outer security gate with the missive “We’re sorry we missed you”, I reveled in the thoughts of what might be on its way!
I’d just appeared on-camera on my Network sitcom the night before, so naturally I assumed that whatever item was to be delivered must have had something to do with my job as it required my personal signature.
Flowers?
Chocolates?
A congratulatory bottle of Champagne?
Ooh, I could hardly wait!!!
And carefully reading the door tag info, I showed up like a salivating puppy at 7:20pm half way across town with a Government issued photo ID to retrieve my FedEx package, clearly available after 7pm. (See below.)
Fun fact! FedEx closes at 7:00pm!
Just TRY to step through the mechanical security doors and be mocked for your own apparent stupidity at attempting to walk through glass! (Color me embarrassed…)
But hey, Pollyanna Penny that I strive to be, I sloughed it off, knowing that heroic wanna-be Santa Clause aka FedEx would make two more attempts at doing their job and actually enthusiastically transport my parcel as their current blockbuster-esque commercials have been advertising of late. :)
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Blissfully working ten and a half hours the next Monday night, I pulled into my parking spot anticipating yet another FedEx door tag notice on my security gate with a 2nd attempt, and yet one more “We’re sorry we missed you” wherein I had an excellent reason for not being available. (Call me crazy, but I kinda doubt that I’m the only person with a job who isn’t home between 9am and 5pm.)
Yet amazingly, no such tag existed…
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With nearly half of our television episode pre-shot the day before and very few scenes left to camera-refresh on Tuesday, I barreled like a mad woman (at almost 30 miles per hour!) through the crowded streets of LA.
Ooh, I could be home by 2:30pm! Ooh, there was every likelihood that I’d receive my gift only four days after its scheduled arrival date! Ooh, what would I write in my thank you note to the sender?!?!
Yet, once again, no FedEx…
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By 5pm (and the end of scheduled delivery hours), I’d become thoroughly annoyed. Someone, somewhere in the world had taken the time and effort to ship something to me, and I’d be hard pressed to waste any more precious gas tooling around town, trying to accommodate the company that supposedly SPECIALIZES IN SHIPPING.
So scooping up the phone, I tackled the 1-800 phone number to track my container, which after THREE frustrating computer messages of the equivalent to ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that’; I was finally patched over to an actual human being.
“This call may be monitored for quality-control purposes”.
Well hell’s bells, thank God for that!
Taking a few deep breaths to center myself and not express any negative emotions to whatever innocent person would be saddled with my incoming call (no reason to make their day crappy too!) I explained the door tag situation from Friday and asked when I might receive said numbered item.
“That’s scheduled for sometime tomorrow” the ‘helpful’ apologetic tech advised me.
(???)
“May I ask why there was a door tag on Friday, which said I could pick up my package after 7pm, when you’re actually closed at 7pm?”
“My apologies again, but our records show that the truck returned to that FedEx location at 6:10pm, and you could have picked up the article after then.”
“And yet, I couldn’t have really known that, could I?” I nudged gently.
(Who’s on First?)
“So, I’ve had no delivery attempts either yesterday or today?” I confirmed quizzically.
“Again, my apologies, but if you’d like to pick up your packet today, you may do so at approximately 6:10pm this evening.”
(APPROXIMATELY 6:10???)
“You know what; it’s fine. I’ll just wait until tomorrow!” I added ‘cheerily’.
“Oh and our records show that you’ll need to sign for it personally” the tech continued as I assured him that I would indeed be at home. *sigh*
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Feeling like a hostage in my apartment waiting for the driver, my kitty eyed me hungrily as both our bellies were seriously looking forward to our usual Angus burger treat when I’ve got a day off. Hours had passed since she’d meowed me awake; and hours continued to pass as the land-line sat quietly…
Oh, our tummies were digesting their own linings!
Oh, we were in desperate need of sustenance!
Oh, we were weakened, frail, hapless carcasses of our current selves!
*Ring*
(FINALLY!)
“Are you Penny?” he asked as I nodded wide-eyed, not so much from the debilitating hunger, but at the um, unpleasantness looming before me.
“Sign here please” he offered the stylus as I stared most uncomfortably at the implement moving toward me in a bizarre Hitchcock-type ‘racking the zoom lens whilst adjusting the camera whilst maintaining focus’ on what should have been a completely innocuous object…
Now, as my humble talents don’t happen to encompass the vast science of dermatology, I’m not entirely certain as to the distinction between psoriasis and eczema, of for that manner, leprosy.
However, it didn’t take a Ph.D. to notice the physical signs of enormous patchy red blotches and white scales on this man’s hands and arms…
And frankly it was all I could stomach to pinch two fingers together to scribble my name, tweeze the envelope from his flaky molting paws and bolt the door shut!
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Whilst some things cannot be “unseen”, at least some unseen things can be mentally scrubbed away with loads of soap, hot water and egregious amounts of anti-bacterial sanitizers! And I must say, it was only after proper disinfecting (and donning latex gloves) that I was finally able to open my “gift”.
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If this was a publicity stunt, I applaud you, Warner Bros. WELL DONE!!! Clearly he couldn’t have been a real FedEx driver, right?!?! I mean, FedEx employees don’t actually slack off for days and then distribute parcels at random intervals with disturbing flesh-eating skin diseases, right?!?!
RIGHT?????
And as to scissoring open the “Padded Pak” wearing a surgical mask just in case?
Yes, kind readers, I found precisely one item inside: a gift that had absolutely nothing to do with my premiere, but a gift nonetheless: a DVD movie screener for my nominating consideration, most aptly titled “Contagion”. (EEK!)
Determined to one day construct and dwell inside my very own sterile bubble,
~Soon-to-be-hermetically-sealed P
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