Is That Why They Call it a Punchline?

Suffering from moderate muscular atrophy and malnourishment (unfortunate side effects from an otherwise pleasant lie-a-bed hiatus week!) I managed to drag the remains of my cadaver across the studio lot and directly to Craft Services for the manna that might sustain me for the day and rejuvenate my happy lazy corpse. 

We had three guest stars gracing our stage last week – one female (who had already been cast) and two male actors both listed as TBD - so it was with great hope that for the first time in months, my work burden might be a bit lighter for a change!  Of course I would still need to keep an eagle eye on my gorgeous Actress who appears in every scene, but at the very least the extemporaneous hoo-hah that often occurs seemed unlikely.

Yet before I so much as extended a gimpy arm toward procuring a paper plate for sustenance, my 1st AD appeared out of nowhere, clutched my elbow and whispered quietly in my ear as though he was sharing classified Department of Defense Code Red Intel as to nuclear bomb launch codes and the ultimate preservation of the American way of life as we know it…

“Be prepared to do the table read for our guest star since she won’t be here ‘til 1pm” he informed me, re-engaging in a surreptitious conversation on his headset and disappearing mysteriously into the darkness like a covert Op.

“Yes, good morning to you too!” I proffered after him into thin air.

Oblivious to the introductions occurring behind me, I focused on the matter at hand of filling up a proper platter with foodstuffs.  And two bites into the delicious cream cheese filled croissant (with fresh blueberries on the side as chasers!), I stood silently pleased, embracing the moment.  I was grateful for the work (and of course the free food).  I was happy!  I was at peace.

“Penny!” another co-worker shouted out.

I was also immediately annoyed at the equivalent sound of nails screeching down a chalkboard…

“WHAAAT do they WANT from me NOW?” I whined in my mind, growing tired of hearing my name bellowed whether I’m at Craft Services, outside the stage or (I kid you not) even in a stall in the ladies’ restroom.  Frankly, if I NEVER heard my name spoken on this particular stage* again, it would be too soon, I thought.

“This is our guest star playing the potential boyfriend” my colleague presented him, as the gentleman tipped his baseball cap and shook my hand graciously.

And having introduced himself unpretentiously by his first name only, I swooned a little as he smiled warmly.  “It’s lovely to meet you, Penny.”

“Lovely to meet you too” I smiled back, releasing his hand (eventually) and re-booting my pea-brain repeatedly in a five second loop to properly process the data of whom I had just encountered.  And bumping into my beloved long-known friend JB (Script Supervisor) I fumbled at a loss for words while peeking around the set to get a better view.

“Was that…?”

“Yep!” she replied.

“He seems so…”

“Nice!” she added, as we gazed together like giddy teenage girls peering love-struck into his high school homeroom.

“So, do you think I might…?”

“Get to do a scene with him?” she eloquently finished my sentence.  “I wouldn’t be surprised!” she giggled as we held hands excitedly.  “Who knew that “TBD” meant “LDP”?!” she whispered equally thrilled as we hushed ourselves, turning silently to Ethel-Mertz-Stare at our visiting Movie Star.

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“PENNY!” my AD hollered, as I bolted enthusiastically off the stage and onto the set, never more thrilled to hear my name called and gung-ho-as-all-get-out to act with our guest star.  I was planned, prepared and all out prepped with props for the scene!

But at the behest of our Director who preferred to wait for our lovely Actress, I descended the staircase slowly and shuffled quietly back into the darkness. 

“The week isn’t over yet!” JB hugged me cheerily as rehearsal progressed.

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Wednesday:

With rewrites in hand mid-day (as has become the norm for our show), I organized my script and squeaked out loud.  A comedic bit had been written in, where we would discover “LDP” in an adjacent set engaged in an unexpected kissing scene with another woman; and as we never have our Background Actors until Thursday, well, certainly they would need someone to stand in for such an important role for the Network Run-Thru!

Clearly I would never even be suggested for the part on camera, as “the other woman” had been written as an extremely tall blonde:  but at the very least I could graciously accommodate my 1st AD with yet another attempt to thwart any potential Global Emergencies, and be there at the ready when he shouted my name for the millionth time!

And popping a breath mint (just in case “LDP” might be a method actor and insist on actually kissing me), I smiled humbly like an Emmy nominee who senses that after all she’s been through, it was finally her turn to win.  And with one Susan Lucci-esque foot already on the floor and half a butt cheek out of my Director’s chair, I caught my AD’s eye as he scanned the people behind him in slow-motion… 

“BEA!” he shouted to my fellow Second Teamer, a 5’2” petite blonde who grinned at me like a Cheshire cat as she scurried to canoodle with our guest.  (Lucky dame!) 

But hey, in Hollywood you win some, you lose some.

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And today I lost a little more.

Delighted to see the caller I.D. of my beloved friend and AD “Diddy” from my last series, I scooped up the phone cheerily in anticipation of getting the official welcome back info and my upcoming start date, only to hear him overwrought on the other end.  “I heard your current show got picked up today for another season next year, and that’s great news!” he cheered to the best of his ability.  “But I have some bad news” he continued sadly, dreading speaking the words out loud.

As The Universe would have it, one of my co-workers and I have not been invited back to the previous series, as three of the upper echelon decided out of the blue that we “don’t deliver” when it comes to performing their jokes during the Run-Thrus…

I’d be lying to say that I’m not heart-broken.  After all, if they wanted someone shorter, taller, blonder, thinner, ‘whatever-er’, or a member of one of their families I would’ve understood completely.  But to disparage my comedic timing?  Really?!

Closing that particular chapter of my life with as much grace and dignity as I can muster at the moment whilst slipping on a banana peel and taking a pie to the face!

And forever trying to make sense,

~Onward-bound P

*Talk about “be careful what you wish for!!!”