The Caste and the Crew (Part Two)

“I hope you’re ready for another big day” one of my co-workers whispered nefariously in my exhausted ear as I gobbled my way through a fluffy freshly made waffle topped with melted butter and real maple syrup.  “You’ve got ‘a lot on your plate’” he continued metaphorically, leaving me with nothing but gooey fingers and unanswered question marks in my pea-brain.

Sure we had yet another long day ahead of us, what with camera blocking, six pre-shoots and four (?) wardrobe changes; but with my income dwindling on this particular show I was actually looking forward to the scheduled twelve hour day (plus one hour catered lunch) and some serious overtime pay!  I’d even forgone the vanity of putting in my contact lenses in favor of wearing my glasses on camera just to be extra prepared for the eye strain of the brutal agenda.  So what was up with the creepy cloak and dagger routine?

All I could think was that this absolutely had to do with our last pre-shoot; a comedic piece-de-resistance of discovering our leading lady sitting naked in a hot tub.  Dear God, surely they wouldn’t force me to crawl into the spa like sausage in a swimsuit casing for lighting, would they?  No one had mentioned any such nonsense the day before, nor could I imagine that my lovely Actress would tolerate anyone tainting her bath water, right?  RIGHT???  My belly had already begun to exhibit a new protruding waffle-esque pattern!  (Panic ensued…) 

“I’ve got your back” our Asst. Property Manager whispered.  “Wilson is up and ready” she smiled, introducing me to my very own stand-in as I clasped them both whole heartedly.

(Sure, "Wilson" was a little green, but we all gotta start somewhere...)

So it was with great relief when my “big day” had finally been announced simultaneously to myself and the crew (yeah, thanks for the heads up), that in order to protect our Star’s voice which she had already lost once before and seemed to be on the verge of losing again, she would perform all the scenes mouthing the words and I would be speaking the dialogue for her off-stage.

Ohh-Kay…

And like a badly dubbed Japanese movie (according to one of our Guest Stars), for the next five hours I belted out to the best of my abilities the unique accent, timing and delivery of my Actress’ lines.

Frankly, I wasn’t quite sure how she would take my impersonation of her.  Would she find the portrayal insulting?  Would my corpse be found months later with two bullets to the back of the skull and vultures feeding off my carcass somewhere in the desert?  There were already four arms clutching me…  Clearly “The End” was near…  But as my life flashed before my eyes, I had very few regrets…

“How about a round of applause for Penny?!” our Director shouted happily as she AND my gorgeous Actress embraced me warmly as the crew clapped supportively.

WTF?

In hindsight, I was glad to have had no formal forewarning.  Had I known in advance that I’d be put on the spot I would’ve likely been anxious and ridiculously self-conscious.  But thankfully, exhaustion trumps adrenaline!

>>><<<

Happy to be out of his booth, our Audience Switcher (the person that flips from camera to camera on the monitors for our live audience as we shoot the show) hung outside with me whilst I lit up a ciggy.  “Well, THAT was fun!” he chuckled, thoroughly amused at the inane weirdness of my bizarre off-camera performance.  “Someone should’ve rolled tape!” he laughed.

And strolling between us, one EP of “The Triad of Powers That Be” lit up his own ciggy, meandering away as our Switcher and I shut up appropriately. 

Waiting until the exec was out of earshot, we continued our conversation regarding a long gone show where he and I first met years ago, and the seriously lousy deployment of bringing in a fourth wall and the poor choice of lighting, when like a bad penny (forgive the pun) the EP reappeared once again, halting our dialogue and stilting us once again into utter silence.

“Don’t stop talking on my behalf” the EP proffered.  “I won’t repeat anything, I promise” he added with a wink and a deep ciggy inhale.

And like an eerie déjà vu from last week, the opportunity presented itself once again…

Dare I approach the dangerous threshold of crossing the line?

Having opened my mouth for my Actress, I took a chance, gulped some air and opened my mouth once more. 

“We were discussing working on the old *insert title*” I piped up bravely (hoping beyond hope that the automobile gaffe in my last post hadn’t made its way around to this particular exec).

“Oh my GAWD…” he gasped, rolling his eyes dramatically.  “I actually took a meeting with them first season and immediately said no thanks!” he chuckled, cozying up and dying to hear all the dish behind the bullet he’d luckily dodged.

And for the next seven and a half minutes, the Switcher and I engaged in actual normal conversation and laughter with our new temporary BFF:  aka the Elusive Species known as a Friendly Executive Producer just outside the door of its own natural habitat.  

“E Pluribus Unum –> Out of Many, One.”

Cheers to finding some common ground (and NOT in the DESERT),

~Vulture-free P