Earning My Bread and Butter

ACT ONE:  

Personally, I blame the runny eggs.

Sure the greasy bacon may have aided and abetted in the awkward situation, and had I bothered to have the patience to wait and toast a hearty bagel I most likely could have prevented any public disturbance!  But with too much adrenaline coursing through my veins at the first day on a new show, my intestines gurgled most unpleasantly…

Certainly after all my years in show biz, the idea of standing-in for one more Hollywood icon – a woman whom I admit to admiring equally for her exceptional personal strength and courage as well as her contributions to the world of comedy – had absolutely nothing to do with the rebellious rumblings in my belly, right?

(Yeah, I don’t buy that story either…)

Truth is (and no surprise to my family and friends who know me) despite twenty years of working with some incredible performers, I still get excited to meet certain actors and with no apologies, I find my humble job thrilling to get to interact and often “Act” amongst them in a professional setting! 

Yet acutely aware of my relatively low-ranking status in the Hollywood food-chain, I’ve developed a keen awareness of when to be present and when to hole up and hide in the darkness.  (Wait, does that make me a bagel?)  But having been politely requested by our 1st AD to be present on stage whenever our specific actors were working, I happily schlepped a non-named directors chair from set to set, devouring from head to toe every subtle nuance of my unique actress’ performances.  She was charming!  She was delightful! She was talking to me!

No, seriously, she was TALKING TO ME.

“Hi!  I don’t believe we’ve met!” she smiled warmly, extending her hand graciously.

And as any tinsel-town veteran such as myself would do under normal circumstances, I subdued my excitement, introduced myself professionally and after shaking her hand pleasantly, I resumed making preliminary notations in my script as to entrances, exits, etc.

(Yeah, I wouldn’t buy that story either…)

These were by no means “normal circumstances”, it was still our very first day of work and completely caught off guard by the actress’ self-introduction, my Fate was inevitable: 

Yes dear friends, I Ethel-Mertzed her…

Like the salivating jaws of a fixated pit bull, my two sweaty palms clamped down on her delicately manicured digits, and with equally intense staring I managed to slobber out my name followed by gushing something along the lines of “it’s greet such truly a pleasure meet great to you!”  (Hey, all the right words were there, just maybe not in the correct order.)  

And with a most polite laugh and “You’re so sweet!” she headed back on stage for the next scene during rehearsal.

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ACT TWO: 

Captivated by my enchanting actress on Monday I was disappointed to hear that we wouldn’t be rehearsing the next day due to re-writes; but at the special request of the Director of Photography, my fellow lead male Stand-in and I were brought in at 11:30am for technical assistance as the cameras were loaded onto the stage. 

Lighting needed to be checked out with the two of us present who knew the actors’ movements, and with audio booms in operation we were told we would spend only a brief couple of hours getting everything in sync in order to shoot a quick demo scene that utilized all four cameras and the largest set on the stage. 

At our discretion my co-worker and I selected a scene from the script with which we thought would best assist all of the departments, and running lines between ourselves to become familiar with the dialogue, we were camera-ready in five minutes.  All that remained was to hear the word “ACTION!”, and we’d be outta there by 1pm with a paycheck!

“That’s LUNCH, be back at two” someone shouted.   (Oh, ffs…) 

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With one on-camera rehearsal under our collective belts around 2:30pm, our DP and UPM bantered politely as to who should have the honor, and passing the torch to our DP I finally heard the word that would cue my entrance, allow me to perform and blissfully send me home early:  “ACTION!”  And with calculated precision, talent and group cooperation we nailed the scene brilliantly as all involved rejoiced in applause at our conglomerate efforts! 

Denying taking an actual bow (I’m humble that way), I happily stored my script into my skull-and-crossbones backpack awaiting an official “out” time from set dismissal. 

5:15pm…

This was clearly a hostage situation. 

Two un-manned cameras were locked off and trained on us like prisoners as we were instructed to be in each set held captive for lighting. And in a casual manner to pass three hours without so much as a bathroom or ciggy break, my co-worker had opted to spend our punitive time together by rehashing his entire resume for me, detail by detail, job by job, actor by actor that he had ever worked with, no minor facet too trivial to mention.

“We lose the stand-ins at 5:30” someone’s voice boomed overhead.  (An angel?)

And strolling up to the set our DP beamed with great personal satisfaction at his work, mildly saddened that he couldn’t keep us the whole night but infinitely pleased that we had been there to help.  “Did you have fun today?” he grinned smugly.

If by “fun” he meant nicotine withdrawal, bleeding eardrums and possible bladder leakage, then yes, by all means I did indeed have “fun”.

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ACT THREE: 

Slinging the obligatory sign around my neck identifying my actress’ name, her character name, and my own name (hand-written in parenthesis with a Sharpie as an afterthought at the Director’s request), I lurked in the shadows as usual.  Mostly my work was done.  I had completed two days of camera-blocking, and at precisely 12:51pm the day before, heaved a sigh of gratitude that I had audibly conveyed my first technical note to my actress without any misspoken difficulties.  *whew!*

But hearing my name called, I scampered onto the set as the unassuming ever-so-prepared Stand-in to tend to my duties, and taking a seat at the table in lieu of my actress I suddenly found myself summoned to perform a scene face to face with Rosita Dolores Alverio. 

“Good morning, Penny!” she smiled genuinely, effortlessly glancing at my name from the sign around my neck.

“Good morning!” I replied in kind to the Oscar award-winning performer better known as Rita Moreno.

“ACTION!”

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Personally, I still blame the runny eggs.

After all, it’s not like I had any stress this last week…

Looking forward to a bagel in the morning and wishing you all happy bellies,

~Gurgle-free P