“Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh...” I squealed internally as I restrained my
inner “Ethel Mertz” from falling all over one of my Sit-Com icons from the
1980’s.
“Hi!
My name is Penny, and I’ve been standing-in for you this week!” I smiled
- absolutely THRILLED that The Universe had offered me this opportunity to work
with one of the Triad of a Family that has contributed so much to televised
comedy!
“Hullo” was her flat, miserable
response as she purposefully avoided eye contact.
“I’m Joe, the First AD this episode”
he introduced himself to her politely. “Please
let me know if you have any questions or concerns while we’re on-stage!” the
nicest guy whatever lived shook our Guest Star’s hand.
“Hullo.”
“And I’m Brenda from the Props
Dept. Here’s your bullhorn for the scene”
she smiled professionally, as she laid down the prop by the Guest Star’s side.
“Hullo.”
Ok... So perhaps my expectations had been a wee bit
high...?
But certainly, my
1980’s Icon would perk up momentarily!
“Just so you know” our Guest Star
made an official general announcement, “I’m not gonna remember any of your
names” she lounged dismally in a Director’s Chair as our Make-Up crew descended
upon her face for touch-ups.
(Or...
NOT.)
“I don’t know what scene this is”
our Lead Actor looked around with frustration.
“Where’re we at, Pen?” he most oddly zeroed in on me amidst the chaos as
I sweatily clutched my script lest the wretched Guest Star needed to be coddled
or reminded of her dialog (a pointless
effort on my part, as she chose to ad-lib whatever the f*** she wanted to say
anyway).
“I’ve got it right here!” I nodded
dutifully as I hobbled to greet him downstage of the mayhem; ridiculously thrilled
to be ping-ponged out of the way if only for a moment.
“Thanks Pen” our Lead Actor smiled
appreciatively. “And why are you
limping?” he furrowed his brow.
“I sort of miscalculated the
dimensions of the ottoman at the foot of my bed and maybe jammed a middle toe?”
I shrugged idiotically.
“Funny you should say that!” he
laughed as he launched into a lengthy tale of his wife purchasing an ottoman
‘this high’, and had already hurt himself three times.
(Hmmm... Did I detect a hint of sentimentality, and
possibly regretting taking the show and his Crew for granted?)
/////////
With our Company shooting on
location the next day outside on “New York Street”; a painfully early call time
for the Crew; and me pre-emptively packing as many creature comforts the night
before in anticipation of a long day in what might be Los Angeles “weather”, I
was quite certain that I’d have to ‘rough it’ with my usual scarves, gloves,
coats (always necessary when simply on-stage);
as well as my camping collapsible folding chair (I don’t camp – it was a gift from a show), an extra bottle of
water and a secret cache of well-hidden granola bars.
And arriving early as I am wont to
do, I never felt more ridiculously STUPID that I’d have to ‘rough it’ on a show
that was literally throwing every last dollar of the budget out the window for
their permanently cancelled finale.
Eyeballing a lengthy table of
thoughtful serve-yourself sterno tureens surrounded by grab-and-go foodstuffs
for the primary workers who hadn’t the luxury of taking a knife and fork whilst
they toiled; I next stood baffled by the on-site omelette-maker Chef who
elegantly tossed and flipped fluffy eggs brilliantly as he catered to each and
every personalized request. Yet, not to
be outdone, should you care for breakfast from the griddle, how about sausage
or bacon; pancakes or French toast from the Gourmet catering truck?
/////////
Limping behind my fellow Second Team
to set up camp prior to our onset call time, I couldn’t help but marvel at the
scenes behind the “scenes” behind the Scenes.
“If I might have your attention
please!” our First AD Joe kindly addressed the Crew as to a proper Safety
Meeting. “There will be a Stunt
performed over in this exact area; we will have a few company moves; and if
EVER you have ANY Safety Concerns, please IMMEDIATELY let myself or one of our
ADs know!” he pointed out all of the people with walkie-talkies and head-sets. “I DO need to add, that as this whole area is
part of our actual Studio lot, please refrain from any smoking on set, and
THANK YOU!” he waved genially, as we clapped for the professionalism of
preparing us for the day.
And as if on cue for her arrival in
the white shuttle van, our Guest Star lazily rolled out in a billow of smoke,
lit cigarette in hand, as she continued to look right through me with the dull-eyed
stare of a dairy cow.
“If you could please follow me over
here, I’d be happy to show you your blocking for this scene!” I offered
cheerily, as she disgruntledly plopped down on her derriere. “And if you look between these two cameras,
can you see the flag on the C-Stand with the red and blue tape? That will be your eye-line!” I added most
helpfully.
“It’s too high” she scoffed
miserably, as I immediately scanned the Crew for anyone else above my pay grade
to help. (Yes, that would be EVERYONE, most of whom immediately became
extraordinarily busy with suddenly very important tasks.)
Suffice it to say, after I repeatedly showed our Guest Star in various scenes where our Director wished
her (at this point) to simply SIT down and where to LOOK (for the love of God, it’s not like she had to climb Mt. Everest, FFS),
I could feel not only my positive
energy draining, but that as well as the Crew...
“Is ‘She’ actually coming to the set
anytime soon?” one usually mild-mannered Camera Operator sort of bellowed at
me.
“PENNY!” an AD suddenly shouted,
catching my eye and attempting to wave me over to the Guest Star as I started
to get up.
“Wait, wait, WAIT, Pen; I need you
on your spot!” I was informed, as I sat back down obediently for Lighting,
fretting over how to accommodate each department.
(Keeping a good attitude whilst sitting on a Prop dolly camera! Note bottom left of photo; it's not actually plugged into live electricity.)
Yet since mathematically this Penny hadn’t
yet been properly “drawn and quartered”, I suddenly found myself in a fourth
awkward position wherein one of the Triad of the Comedic Family would randomly
appear by my side for a private one-on-one meeting to confirm which scene I was
currently camera blocking for the Guest Star. (Bizarre, to be sure, as isn’t
that normally a task for the flurry of scurrying assistants to liaise between
the Mighty Powers and the peons?)
Nevertheless!
“OK, let’s set up the cameras and
the jib shot for when “She” announces the big stunt. “Penny, let me have you start about here” our
Director placed me for rehearsals as I repeated the dialogue, movement and
simple exit four or five times -- first told to walk MUCH FASTER; then pointed
to exit camera right instead (“no, no,
no, the OTHER camera right” I was publicly abased like a moron TWICE in front
of my Crew (did I mention that there were FIVE cameras but not a hint as to
which one our Director had selected???)); and lastly as I was requested to
walk WAY SLOWER ala our plodding Guest Star, I found myself unwittingly replicating
my own version of the dull-eyed stare of a dairy cow.
(For the love of God, I already had a
gimpy foot! They’d milked me all
morning! What more could these people
WANT!? (Talk about ‘roughing it’!))
But as shit rolls downhill (I truly believe the circumstances were
nothing personal), there was little I could do but to shut up and hope to
eventually scrape the bovine manure off my hoof...
And cue The
Universe!
Blissfully aside from the private
conversation betwixt our Director and our Guest Star where I had to be “there”,
but not really “there” (a delicate
invisible line for a Stand-In), I observed nothing more out of the corner
of my eye than the body language of what seemed to be a gracious “thank you”
from our Director, and a polite dismissal to the Guest Star from the set.
“But what about the rest of her
scenes?” I pointed worriedly to my script before our Director walked away. (After all, I still had loads of notes; and
hours upon hours of awkward, unpleasant belittling moments of humiliation to
look forward to in the afternoon!)
“What can I tell ya, Pen? The Network made a collective Executive
decision and let her go” our Director beamed (way too) jubilantly. “I guess we’ll just have to shoot around her!”
And shoot around her, we did.
With a body-double (close enough) dressed in “Her” wardrobe;
strategic film shots carefully choreographed to hide the deception, and me still
standing-in (off-camera), behind the body-double lady to deliver the dialogue
of our dismissed Guest Star, I once again found myself in a topsy-turvy world,
as since the gist of the scripted dialog had been mostly whittled down to shouting
either “Action” or “Cut” (easy to redub
in Post Production and Editing), apparently our actual Crew weren’t
entirely able to discern the difference in the massive open space between my scripted “Cut” and our Director actually
calling “CUT!”
(Are you confused yet, kind readers? I was too!)
In a nutshell, there I was as a
Stand-In, standing-in for a Guest Star, who was playing the role of the “Movie
Director”, who was being filmed with a body-double as the “Movie Director”; yet
our TRUE Director wasn’t being heard, because I, as a dutiful Stand-In, was
delivering the dialog as the “Movie Director” through a Prop bullhorn; to which
our Crew repeatedly stopped filming; naturally assuming that they were hearing
the TRUE voice of our ACTUAL Director.
Good grief!
/////////
Reflecting on the week of that
particular show’s final episode, I’ve tried to make sense of the bizarre myriad
of emotions which culminated in yet one more outré experience of my life in
Hollyweird.
As quickly as my cherished 1980s
Sit-Com icon had disappointed, disillusioned and disturbed me with her “udder”
disregard toward everyone while she chain-chewed on the cud of her next
cigarette; at least my (previous Teen
Idol) Lead Actor, had managed to restore my faith in him as a caring,
sentimental sap who apparently posted a picture online of himself and his
daughter walking off the stage for the last time, hand-in-hand.
And as for me, well, I’ll let you be
the judge:
As a couple of us Stand-Ins had been
Invited to a Table Reading on my newest cable show to fill in for the parts of
as-yet uncast Guest Stars, I not only agreed to do so most willingly (apparently the Execs didn’t mind that a lot
of us were reading the script cold); but I also eagerly accepted the glamorous
offer of being driven down the midway in a golf cart – a truly heady experience
for me as I contemplated the “sur-reality” that if only for a trice in time (seriously, it was like a nine-second ride), I couldn’t help but feel that I was somehow being embraced by the “presents”
of the “passed” at the 102 year-old Studio.
“Here we are, ladies!" our PA
announced the auspicious arrival at our destination: an eponymously named building dedicated to a
rather famous red-headed Comedic Actress.
“Omigosh, omigosh, omigosh...” I squealed internally as I restrained my
inner “Ethel Mertz” from gushing wildly inappropriately.
But of course I remained a consummate
professional. After all, I’ve been
cold-reading scripts for decades in front of VIPs who nibble on their fruit
plates while they hope to be entertained.
And with my back to the audience as we sat down to read the script, there
was all the less pressure, despite being introduced to the room by the
Executive Producer before we began. And
although the usual accoutrements of pencils, highlighters, pads of paper,
scripts and individually designated bottles of water had been elegantly set-up
for every one of us in front of our specified chairs, I had no use for such pampering
items, as I was simply there to do my job as a Stand-In Actor.
In fact, all in all, the entire
experience was really rather nothing to get overly excited about...
...Except for the fact that I got to
read the script with the Cast in none other than “The Lucy Bungalow”!!! (And
yes, I stuffed my very own personal unopened bottle of water into my purse!)
Cheers to racking focus on that
which makes you happiest!
~P
