Thus Spake the Halloween Pooh

With a mere few days left leading up to my High Holy Holiday of Halloween, I beamed like a fiend at all of the dark and devious decorations adorning my darling of a delightful neighborhood.  There were Jack-o-Lanterns on doorsteps!  There were tombstones in front yards!  There was even a home-spun ghost dangling from a tree across the street from my local McDonalds!

Yes, these are the moments when my world truly makes sense!

Having read my latest entry here, my beloved friend C2 wanted to contribute a “family photo” to add to my previously posted picturesque gallery.  And so with great joy, I’m heartened to present her most awesome Halloween addition to my personal collection:

Hmm...  She could be a relative... 

 

Yet I couldn’t quite place her face...!

 

And as the enervation continued to build, I surveyed my bat-cave for whatever else I could ghoulishly embrace to celebrate the best ever macabre holiday, before the world becomes overrun with the “Fa-La-La-La” commercial hoopla that inevitably ensues the next morning and pummels us mercilessly for the next three months.  

Granted, there was “Mabel” (if I haven’t mentioned this recently, all kitchen corner-dwelling spiders are named “Mable” – so sagely sayeth my Aunt G when I was young and impressionable); and whilst I have the highest tolerance for spindly-legged arachnids who dangle quietly in a niche (ASIDE FROM THE BATHROOM, BEDROOM OR CEILING!), I absolutely will NOT tolerate ANY sort of aggression, movement or artistic web-weaving beyond a two inch perimeter past the dishwasher.  (Sorry Mabel.  But a double-ply wet paper towel trumps your freeloading antics.)

Ah, but there were still plenty of spooky delights hovering about my world to keep the spirits up!  A wart-nosed witch hag doll snarling on her broom, lurking over the 50’s themed jukebox which offers a lot of Elvis Presley music (‘Nuf said?) at my nearest Astro Burger (I took a picture with my not-very-smart cell phone); a monstrous black velvet three foot wide bendy spider looming ominously over the ATM machine (I took a picture of that too!); and of course the horrifying realization on my walk home from said restaurant that if I chose to upload the photos from my Frankenstein cell, a metaphorical financial wooden stake would be driven through my checking account since I don’t actually have a data plan...  (YIKES!)

But as The Universe is collectively never One to let me down during the brief time of the year when I’m blessed with the gruesome, the morbid and the grisly, I snuggled under the covers for a delightfully wonderful mid-day cat nap –- the autumnal winds billowing noisily outside my window; the occasional “Dun-Dun” of Law and Order on the television cradling me into a soft sleep, as well as one very gentle eco-friendly lamp still lit to guide me back from the delicious depths of dreams.

Until...

Hmm.

Something was wrong.  Oh, something was very, very wrong indeed.  And bolting awake to the most unnerving silence – the likes of which I’d not heard (not sure how to quantify “not hearing” here), I sat rather paralyzed in the deafening quiet of a power outage.

“But, but, but, my TV is my noise and companion!” I whimpered.  “And, and, and, my clock is blinking midnight, so I have no idea what time it is!” I fretted helplessly.  “Plus, I’m kind of hungry!” my belly growled aggressively. 

Oh, bother...

Whilst I could certainly make my way in the dark of my bat-cave to the kitchen for a PBJ and a glass of milk, just what fresh Hell might that bring about?  Good Heavens, not only could I risk exposing refrigerated perishables, but what if Mabel had “connections”?!

And yes, I could always open up my Kindle tablet for local information, but, um, I may or may not have chosen to play an online game for a few (SIX) hours the night before and didn’t remember to plug Mr. Kindle back into the charger...

But as The Universe never dishes out more than you can handle, I actually enjoyed the solitude of doing nothing more than solving a crossword puzzle by candlelight!  (Kind of spooky and fun for me!  And YES, I could’ve just opened the blinds to let in the sunshine, but where’s the challenge there?)

>>><<< 

Meanwhile, still adamantly determined to milk the last of my High Holy Holiday to the max, I toddled well-refreshed into the light yesterday at 7am in search of a breakfast burrito and some apple juice as “Son of Deceased Landlord Yang” politely held the gate for me. 

And despite my probably unlikely illogical angst of asking for any assistance in my rent controlled bat-cave - lest they find some reason to evict me and charge double what my apartment is worth, wherein I end up a creepy bag lady on the street, living in a cardboard box, trying to stay warm as I cuddle with my deceased kitty’s urn of cremains – The Universe saw fit to provide me with an actual spine, perhaps in honor of my “spine-tingling” holiday!

“My kitchen garbage disposal isn’t working” I informed the Son of Deceased Landlord.  “The sink isn’t bad, but it’s just not draining properly and I don’t want anyone else’s plumbing to get backed up.  I don’t even cook!” I apologized profusely, contemplating just how many plates of McDonald’s ketchup might be curdling about in the ancient underbelly of the building.  And despite a wee bit of unsuccessful mechanical fiddling, I was promised a professional plumber the next morning to replace the disposal altogether.  Yay! 

What I hadn’t entirely thought through however, was the fact that a complete stranger would be escorted by SDL through the security gate, presented at my front door at 8am and set loose upon my sanctuary to bang noisily around the kitchen pipes for over an hour.  (Years and years of online shopping under my belt, and it never ONCE occurred to me to purchase a poison ring and a cyanide capsule?  Tsk!)

What I’d also not properly mentally processed, was the fact that SDL possesses technical aptitudes which would likely be equivalent to a chimpanzee with a monkey wrench.  (If you will.)  So frankly, I really shouldn’t have been terribly surprised that SDL hired an early-to-rise eager day laborer saturated in ‘no-I’ve-not-yet-bathed-today-cologne’ to refurbish my medieval laboratory’s basin.

Oh, bother...

And yet surprisingly, the horror of the morning had yet to reach its ultimate pinnacle.

“Ahem!” the wafting gentleman’s aromatic cloud filtered down the hall.  “I’m all done out here!” he beamed happily, shaking my hand. 

My hand!  Dear Lord!  My HAND!!!

(Granted, I’ve spent the usual girlie amount of time clawing the occasional gag-inducing wet hair ball out of my shower drain (with perhaps more double-ply paper towels than necessary accompanied by neon orange elbow-length rubber gloves); but the guy had just spent 72 minutes touching God only knows what with his bare paws in the depths of my building’s intestines, and he SHOOK my HAND???)

But hang onto your seats people, as The Universe had YET to execute perhaps its most frightening Halloween experience thus far in my life:

“May I use your restroom before I leave?” the odoriferous plumber wondered, wafting his way in his sturdy work boots as he trounced down the carpeted hall to urinate in my toilet.

(Sometimes there are no words.)

>>><<< 

To my friend C2:  Thank you so much for your most excellent and thoughtful photo to add to my collection!

To my friend “Rose”:  Your box of Halloween treats arrived today!  I shall feast on “The Day” like Winnie the Pooh with my head stuck in a jar of “hunny”!

And to The Universe:  I’m still petrified at your cosmic proficiency in your ability to find infinite new ways to properly terrorize me during the celebration of our High Holy Holiday.  I think I used up an entire bottle of hand sanitizer, a full can of Febreze Air Effects, and a massive vat of Lysol Disinfecting Wipes to allow me to scour all potentially touched surfaces and finally eventually lower the raised toilet seat after the plumber vacated his bladder.  (Goodbye, terry cloth hand towel on the dowel.  I can’t be sure that you were used; but in the trash you go.  Give my regards to Mabel.)

Wishing you all Halloween hugs (pay no mind to my sanitary neon orange rubber gloves!),

~Penny the Boo

p.s. Convinced that having survived my anxiety-riddled morning with SDL and the oblivious-to-potential-malarial-disorders plumber, I deemed myself worthy of purchasing some groceries to celebrate the afternoon.  After all, with what could The Universe possibly scare me at this point?

Oh bother...