It's Elementary, My Dear Watson!

Stepping into the metaphorical shoes of a fellow friend and Stand-In (who had been offered a lucrative Fall Season on a different Sit-Com); I wasn’t entirely sure that I could teeter in his (occasionally high as needed for Lighting) heels.

Having announced quite early on in his career that “he doesn’t do props”, most of the crews that he’s worked with over the last two decades simply accepted the fact and made do as necessary.

But as I was hired to take his place, ever so eager to please, and willing to carry absolutely anything in my paws or jump like a poodle through a flaming hoop with a ball on my nose to assist any Department for absolutely any of their specific needs, I laid wide awake at night worrying about making a good impression. 

Granted, crew members continually leap from show to show as work becomes available; but as this particular Sit-Com “family” had been together for 44 (I think) episodes already, I couldn’t help but feel like “Cousin Oliver” joining The Brady Bunch.

Indeed, I would need to bring the full arsenal of my skill set if I had any hope whatsoever of remaining employed during their last four episodes of the season.  Surely some awkward moments would arise as my Second Team adjusted emotionally to the loss of their beloved compadre, and I’d be naïve to believe that there might not be some feelings of resentment as I’d been foisted into their tightly knitted group...

Oh, but I was back in my element!  I was gainfully employed (albeit temporarily), and I had a few weeks to prove myself once again!

>>><<< 

Methodically observing my specific actors and actresses, taking copious notes as necessary, and even comparing scripts with my friend CJ, she and I were certain that not only did we have the scene down pat for camera blocking, but that we would perform ever-so effortlessly for our Director.  (I’d never worked with him before, but again; I was eager to please!)

And hearing the cue for our entrance, CJ and I (two college educated women who have worked in the Industry for decades, and who were standing-in for a couple of chatty teenaged girls) proceeded to BUNGLE the CRAP out of the simplest act of walking and talking together for approximately five lines before we exited.

WTF??? 

Was I seriously THAT off my game from being unemployed for so long?  Good heavens, had I also inadvertently fouled up CJ’s career with my stupidity and ineptness?  To say that we were embarrassed at our inability to execute the scene together would have been humiliating enough; but as BOTH the Camera Coordinator AND the Director entered the set to PHYSICALLY reposition us properly, suffice it to say we were absolutely MORTIFIED.

And lurking in the shadows (as I’m wont to do when I can’t find a suitable rock to crawl under after a miserable performance), I was grateful for a few moments of solitude in the darkness as the Lighting and Grip crews leapt upon their mighty ladders to adjust and tweak the set before pre-shoots.

“I have a red-headed son...” the Director suddenly appeared jovially by my side (EEK!), nodding towards my ponytail and busily accessing video footage on his cell phone.  “Actually, I have twin boys, but one is a red-head!” he beamed proudly showing me a recorded tape of his beautiful wife and two adorable children.  “I only mention it because the red-headed one - now that he’s a little bit more ambulatory - will stand straight up, turn COMPLETELY purple in the face, and then we know he’s pooping in his diaper!  How awesome would that be if I came over to give you a blocking note, and you made that face?!” he laughed good-naturedly before walking away, happily engrossed in the bountiful joy of his beloved offspring.

Um... Yeah, how unfortunately, horrifically “awesome” would THAT be???

>>><<< 

Despite one (three day) week safely tucked under my belt of not completely botching up every other scene where I was standing-in, I could still practically smell the stink of unemployed desperation emanating from the very pores of my skin.

And apparently, I was not alone...

PEOPLE’S EXHIBIT A:

Seriously low on my Unemployment funds, having not yet booked a show for the Fall Season and despite my on-going sunny and hopeful disposition, apparently I was a rife target for all manner of con artists working the studio parking structure.

“Can I buy your earrings?” the delightful lady employee attendant wanted to know as I wearily attempted to retrieve my daily $10.00 refundable parking fee with my validation sticker after an eleven hour work day.

“Oh, absolutely not” I shook my head absurdly.  “These were a gift” I cooed as I tickled the beading for their dazzling light-reflective amber-colored beveling.

“Well, then can I buy your beautiful blue eyes?  They’re just stunning!” she continued, as I prattled along groggily and stupidly about having inherited my irises from my Grandfather on my Dad’s side.  “Well, you have a WONDERFUL evening” she smiled warmly as I toddled to the elevator, completely oblivious to the fact that I’d never actually retrieved my ten bucks.  (HEY!)

PEOPLE’S EXHIBIT B:

Purposefully striding towards the parking structure after another day of (significantly more successful!) work with a validation sticker in hand (oh, the irony that I needed a physical “validation” document to prove my self-worth!), I authoritatively presented my receipt for proper financial reimbursement.

“Do you have a car here?” the gentleman wanted to know.

“Of course I do” I pointed to the printed receipt.  (Seriously?)

“You know, you can just drive down and I’ll be happy to open the gate for you when you exit” he shrugged.

“And I thank you for that” I mustered up a smile; “but I would greatly appreciate getting my ten dollars back NOW, as I got side-tracked and stiffed last night.” 

“Oh...  Well..., I guess I just didn’t see your validation sticker there.  My bad!” he shrugged again, handing me a five and five ones.  “There’s nothing I can do about last night, but hey, these things happen, right?” 

(I repeat:  SERIOUSLY?)

PEOPLE’S EXHIBIT C:

“Hello again” I stared down the chick who had bilked me out of ten whole dollars two nights prior; who suddenly had absolutely nothing to say to me as she took her sweet time separating the parking sticker, who played with her hair and clicked on a text in her phone, and who eventually fumbled with the cash drawer before finally handing me my money since I wouldn’t go away.  “Have a WONDERFUL evening” I echoed her previous sentiments, as she suddenly became infinitely distracted by chewing a hangnail on her thumb.

>>><<< 

In retrospect, I suspect that the loss of ten dollars was precisely the kick in the pants I needed from The Universe to help me get back my self-confidence. 

Not having yet booked a show for the fall season was embarrassing to be sure, but not letting people know that I was looking to be hired was even more detrimental.  And telling absolutely anyone who would listen that I needed work, I think I accomplished more in one week for my career than I’d done all summer!

And as to my current temporary situation as a replacement Stand-In, not only did I go the extra mile to hide a giant taped “X” on my t-shirt underneath my hoodie (for a proper reveal to the crew of what they might expect when my actor got the duct-taped “hair” ripped painfully off of his chest), but I was also rewarded with a High-5 from our Director as well as the promise from our 1st AD that I would indeed be employed to the end of their season (Aug. 30)!  WOO-HOO!!!

>>><<< 

Now as our sound stage is notoriously haunted (my first week there, “something” whispered my name in my ear when there was absolutely no one else behind me – (apparently a very common occurrence for many of the crew)); I wasn’t particularly surprised that the Stand-In whose place I’d taken over had joined in the netherworld hovering (albeit via ever-so earthly texts and emails). 

Yes he’d gotten the upgrade to an additional payday each week on the new sit-com, but he missed his friends, the fun and the laughter! 

Yet as people come and go, through Life, Death (and show to show), all one can possibly do, is to try to adapt...

...and as for me?  Well, I’ll let you be the judge...

Please do enjoy this ABSOLUTELY random (certainly NOT April’s idea!), TOTALLY unrehearsed footage which just HAPPENED to be recorded at the commissary by my friend (and brilliant Director) Robbie Countryman who was NOT in cahoots with my fellow Second Teamers; nor was there ANY intent WHATSOEVER to taunt the gentleman whom I’d replaced, by my crew UNINTENTIONALLY uploading said footage onto ALL of their Facebook pages:

Truly back in my element,

~ Atomic Number 15, Phosphorescent P

(Tech note:  I've heard from a few friends that the video doesn't come through on certain hand-held devices and needs to be viewed from an actual computer.  Sorry!)