Penny (the Dime a Dozen), Television Armchair Quarterback

 

 

Ah, Tinsel Town!  The glitz!  The glamour!  The fame!  The fortune!  The bounty of residual checks shining like winning Lottery tickets in the mailbox!

Ah, the EDD...  The unemployment forms...  The bureaucratic red tape... Both the bane and vein of life for an unemployed actor such as myself...

But such is a day (or in my case, months) in the life of Hollywood!

Most accustomed to filling out the banal paperwork for my Government cheese on the dole, I took off my glasses to delicately scribble in the miniature bubbles of the standard document. (What can I say; I’m an anomaly.  Blind as a bat my entire life; but seriously, sans eyewear, I could etch your name on a grain of rice.)

But I digress!

I wasn’t sure if I was saddened at the one year “anniversary” of losing my feline sidekick Pretty, or feeling a bit out of sorts that one of my best friends was suddenly incommunicado into the “drunk tank” (not my words) for a month; but staring at the aforementioned form before me, I waxed philosophical at the questions:

1.  Were you too sick or injured to work?

Hmm... 

Having purchased new bedding months ago with my tax refund, the unopened box still sat quietly in my living room.  Pillows, shams, a duvet and matching sheets awaited the glorious redecoration of my sleeping sanctuary – a cleansing homage to moving on in Life, as well as a tribute to my beloved feline sidekick that (should she choose to pop by again in a dream), Pretty could pounce on kitty-barf-free linens! 

Of course that also meant a tedious load of laundry, a minimum of ten quarters (if I got the inefficient dryer) and trekking outside to buy a new bottle of bleach...

Not to mention the fresh hell picture below:

Seriously?  I’m supposed to toddle outside to the laundry room beneath a two story ladder looming ominously over the front gate?  Just what kind of superstitious mind-fuckery are my crappy landlords playing at now?  Come on!

But once again, I digress.

So was I “too sick or injured to work?”  (Well, only to do the laundry!)

Color bubble “NO” on EDD form.

    2.    Was there any reason (other than sickness or injury) that you could not have accepted full time work each workday?

Hmm...

Having taken Cecilia (my Toyota) for a proper bath and triple foamy rainbow-colored frothiness, she rewarded me by once again turning off her “check engine” light in gratitude; so with the assurance of my trusty automobile in my quiver of arrows with which to attack any cowboy renegade cable sit-coms still up and running, I confidently colored in the “NO” bubble once again.

   3.    Did you look for work?

DID I LOOK FOR WORK???  Are you KIDDING me?!?!  I’m ridiculously blessed to be a tiny part of a massive industry that won my heart as a child!  My kingdom for a new show and a steady paycheck!

And yes... I even succumbed to humbly checking the recorded line from the Casting Company that usually hires me – only to hear that they were currently seeking only Background Actors for three projects:  one which required a “student” with a back pack (I have a back pack!), who is “18 years old to look younger, African-American, and small in physique to shoot in San Pedro” (I’m a great actress, but I’m not THAT good...) (And where the heck is San Pedro?); secondly, a Non-Union gig for females size 0 to 10, ages 25 to 50 (I’m in that range!), willing to be available for filming in Irvine (Where the fuck is Irvine?); followed by a final listing of women who possess automobiles that were manufactured prior to 1975.

(The blinds were down, the windows shut in my bat cave, but I’ll be darned if Cecilia didn’t “Harrumph” from her parking spot outside at the mere thought of playing older.)

So did I look for work?  Color bubble “YES” on EDD form.

4.  Did you refuse any work?

What am I, stupid?

Color bubble “NO” on EDD form.

     5.  Did you begin any kind of school or training?

Whilst I’d not spent any money to enroll at the local Annex for a class on learning the ins and outs of show biz, I had taken to some serious studying on my own... 

With nothing but idle hands during my down time, I focused on the research that might help ultimately provide a new insight into the field of television production; specifically a broadening of my horizons, should I ever be offered the opportunity to work on a single camera one-hour drama.  (Not my forte, but I’m willing to learn!)

Sure I could stand-in for a shot for lighting here or there; but the more I studied the shows, the more petulantly annoyed I became with the entire process...

In the fertile land outside of sit-coms, approximately ten actors/actresses are hired to star in absolutely everything!  And guess who the villain, villainess or victim always turns out to be? 

Actually, it’s quite simple math, as the actor/actress is either portrayed in the opening credits as a “Special Guest Star”, or provided with the divine “AND” at the end of the credits.  (Don’t get me wrong, a “with” credit is a strong showing, but a “with” is never as financially lucrative as an “AND”.) 

AND, studying my television for further tell-tales signs of the formula behind one hour dramas, I shook my head in dismay...

Apparently, before asking any simple question of a distraught widow regarding the death of her husband, she’s granted approximately ten minutes of utter silence in deference to brewing hot tea for the detectives.  Really?  Everyone sits there quietly for as long as it takes for a kettle to boil water?  (Well, there go my real life chances of ever being considered as an expert eyewitness, since I’d be lucky to dredge up a twenty-year old packet of Oolong.)

So did I begin any kind of school or training?  (Only if you count the fact that I learned how NOT to win an Emmy someday!) 

Color bubble “NO”.

6.  Did you work or earn any money, WHETHER YOU WERE PAID OR NOT?
 

Uck.  This one always gets my goat. 

In my opinion, I’m working every single second that I watch TV.  I study the actors, I observe the lighting, I question Director’s choices (seriously, one more pot of tea?), I rewind at poor grammar, and having ever-so reluctantly spread my wings into the occasional dose of “reality television” have wanted to bitch-slap whoever came up with most of that crap.  (Insert two guilty pleasures:  “Bar Rescue” (essentially an intervention for people who can’t run a business), and “Beyond Scared Straight” (a no-nonsense jail program to help at-risk children change their rotten behavior).

So, yeah, in a way I’m forever working during my down time (albeit not as defined by the Unemployment Department).

Humbly once again color bubble “NO”.

Yet meanwhile, I feel quite good about continuing to hone my craft at home!

I’ve re-learned that if you’re working with a burly veteran actor such as John Goodman (I did!), find your key light! 

If you’re stuck with a newbie fresh-faced comer out of God-Only-Knows-What-School-of-Sucky-Acting, teach him to enunciate! 

And should you ever be blessed to work with the genius actor Jere Burns (I did that too!), stand back and let the Hollywood magic happen.  (Insert personal television armchair quarterback opinion, that as truly lovely as a person Jere is, he scared the CRAP out of me with his performance on the A and E series “Bates Motel”!!!)

Cheers to Tinsel Town,

I’ll be watching you...

~Eagle-eyed P

Author’s Addendum:  In a spectacular twist of Fate whilst writing this post, I accidentally tripped over the leg of my computer table and landed flat on my tail bone.  (OW!!!)  I’m sure I’ll be fine - but for now, I’m a slave to Advil, ice packs and a heating pad.  Thank God for cable television to keep me company! 

Oh!  And if Simon Baker from “The Mentalist” should happen to want to comfort me by brewing a cup of tea for me in my current state of distress, well, I suppose that would be okay...  ;-)