1.
Discovering a bit of
free time on idle hands, use the gift of temporary unemployment to sort out
receipts and spend a leisurely afternoon collecting W-2s and 1099’s whilst adding
up miscellaneous deductions and reporting all documentation on forms from CPA.
2.
Embrace said leisurely
time and grown-up attitude of handling adult responsibilities and all bills
paid, whilst simultaneously patting self on back.
3.
Pour celebratory cocktail.
4.
Repeat Step 3.
5.
Repeat Step 3.
6.
Repeat Step 3.
7.
Acknowledge that cell
phone has not rung offering gainful employment, but insist that new skills must
constantly be learned in preparation for end of hiatus.
8.
Prop self up at 45
degree angle on left elbow and proceed to discover new computer game on Kindle.
9.
Play game and
successfully complete Level One.
10.
Repeat Step 3.
11.
Play game and successfully
complete Level Two.
12.
Repeat Step 3.
13.
Lose Third Level, due to
difficulty regarding slow hand-eye coordination and onset of irksome rapid-fire
hiccups.
14.
Replace Step 3 with pure
caffeine to regain focus and achieve higher rankings with proper medallions that
honor extraordinarily brilliant game play.
15.
With senses now
functioning at warp speed, discover that delightfully unobtrusive ditty of a
tune playing in the background of said game has now become an ear worm in brain
running on endless musical loop.
16.
Pause game in order to
search iTunes downloads for most excellent bombastic repetition of “Prisoner of
Society” by The Living End on computer. (Personal choice of song selection may
vary.)
17.
Repeat Step 14.
18.
Repeat Step 14.
19.
Repeat Step 14.
20.
Discover that previous
slow hand-eye coordination was significantly
easier to master in game play, as opposed to uncontrollable bouncing off
ceiling, caffeinated jitters and cold shivers from vasoconstriction of blood
vessels in extremities.
21.
Pause game again, so as
to ponder bewildering cause of searing pain localized in left elbow after a
mere ten or twelve hours of ‘proppage’.
22.
Disregard all logic in
lieu of embracing debilitating panic as to possible “bed sore” and potential
threat of gangrene from numb left hand propped continuously against ear.
23.
Google “bed sore” images
to medically confirm diagnosis and immediate placement of self in convalescent
home with feeding tube, catheter and most unpleasant severing of wobbly useless
limb.
24.
Run screaming in terror
from computer at “bed sore” images!
25.
Repeat Step 3!!!
ACT TWO:
1.
Awaken (all limbs intact
as before - *whew!*) to chilly cloudy
day in Los Angeles and choose to embrace world once again as happy-go-lucky
adult on hiatus.
2.
Receive paperwork in snail
mail from CPA verifying both State and Federal refunds.
3.
Sign said documents, and
proceed to Postal Office to FAX important forms so as to have monies
electronically deposited into checking account at swift-like-the- speedy-winds
of government bureaucracy. (Or, you know,
WHENEVER.)
4.
Having dodged imaginary
bullet of unnecessary amputation due to excessive computer game play, adopt
ever-so-scientific grown-up attitude of embracing theoretically preventative medicine as to
warding off Alzheimer’s Disease, by reintroducing challenging omnibus of New
York Times Saturday crossword
puzzles into daily ritual. (Inhale
haughty pretentious self-righteous attitude that Sunday puzzles have a theme,
and are thereby FAR less difficult.)
5.
Opt for “Criminal Minds”
marathon on television as background noise so to incorporate sophisticated “Behavioral
Analysis Unit” as inspiration, whilst simultaneously challenging self to solve
complicated cruciverbalist collection.
6.
Carefully select choice
of gel in pen color and grip, so as to aesthetically enhance both left and
right brain experience.
7.
Pour weak cocktail –
elegant mixture of one part vodka, three parts Glaceau Vitamin Water - to
augment neural synapses firing on all pistons.
8.
Prop self up at 45
degree angle on left elbow.
9.
Yelp like newborn puppy
in whelping box, at “gamer’s” elbow pain.
10.
Determine that as 45
degree angle of “proppage” is completely out of the question, deliberate over
whether or not to use Neosporin for soreness and bruising vs. Gold Bond
Ultimate for softening with Shea Butter.
11.
Reconsider given
parameters, and opt for empirical evening of crime fighting with aforementioned
Behavioral Analysis Unit on television.
12.
Dress appropriately for
bundled up evening of rain, thunderstorms and serial killers by donning official
Wonder Woman “snuggie”. (Personal choice of Super Hero blanket
selection may vary.)
13.
Scratch clueless chin in
appropriate “wonder”, as cable goes out due to inclement weather and LG TV
searches haplessly for satellite signal.
14.
Logically reboot TiVo.
15.
Repeat Step 7 to
implement usage of electrolytes and potassium whilst mildly comforting brain.
16.
Spock-logically unplug
TiVo for thirty seconds and restart DVR yet again, so as to dislodge any viral miscommunications
with Cable Company.
17.
Observe LG TV continue
to search unsuccessfully for satellite signal.
18.
Turn off television.
19.
Determine that Universe
is recommending Existential experience as it relates to the absurd and
meaningless constant assault on one’s senses by continuous barrage of ever
invasive technology permeating and perverting the most basic need for
experiencing human contact.
20.
Sit Zen-like in Buddhist
tranquility to embrace nuances of Universe whilst reflecting upon uncommonly
and increasingly louder storm.
21.
In accordance with laws
of Nature (and proper respect for many creatures reptilian), leap out of skin at sonic-boom
clap of thunder directly over home whilst screaming like a five year old.
22. Replace
Step 7 with hearty amalgamation of 50/50 ingredients!
23.
Repeat Step 22!!!
24.
Apply appropriate layers
of both Neosporin and Gold Bond Ultimate lotion to “gamer’s” reptilian elbow
whilst vodka-logically contemplating integration and importance of
reconciliation between vastly different schools of thought.
25.
Drift blissfully (albeit
briefly) off to sleep listening to gentle pit-a-pat of raindrops tapping at
window, until pea-brain spends the next grueling eight hours swapping
computerized colorful tiles to happy ditty annoying ear worm of relentless
musical loop which will apparently haunt the mind for an eternity...
ACT THREE:
1.
Awaken with new gratitude
that it is NOT in fact the 1980’s; you have NOT just attended a Loverboy
concert, NOR have your parents just given you your first handheld Game Boy with
Tetris that you played all night in your head.
2.
Shake off visuals of
attending said Loverboy concert wearing ridiculous non-breathable leather pants
in venue of 25,000 sweaty teenagers who know absolutely nothing about what it
means to be “working for the weekend”. (Personal choice of flashbacks may vary.)
3.
Reprimand self for hypocrisy
and realization that by definition of “hiatus”, one is in fact NOT working for
the weekend, nor working at all for that matter.
4.
Pat belly pod
comfortingly, that at least for a few shining years it actually FIT into
leather pants!
5.
Regain mental focus.
6.
With eyes back on larger
picture, confirm online that bank has indeed received tax refunds and are
currently being processed.
7.
Further confirm with
incoming snail mail, that Unemployment Department has updated their records to
three weeks ago (speedy like the wind!), and does in fact owe you YOUR OWN
MONEY.
8.
Upon achieving temporary
sense of financial stability whilst waiting for gainful employment, determine
to reconcile self-induced stupidity often associated with idle time.
9.
Contemplate legal
ramifications of writing imaginary document of agreement that should Cable
Company choose to allow LG TV to find satellite signal again, one might
actually watch commercials as a
measure of good faith.
10.
Further, add mental
rider clause, that should Cable Company manage to sustain it’s one and only
stupid job of providing cable, one might possibly consider paying attention to
annoying advertisements.
11.
Roll eyes incredulously,
but turn on television nonetheless.
12.
Clap hands in joy to
find marathon of favorite shows.
13.
Pause TiVo to accrue
time during restroom visit, but recall Step 10.
14.
Admit that $9.95 is a
reasonable price for an “as seen on TV!” item that would actually be beneficial
to household.
15.
Supply credit card
information online and confirm telephone number.
16.
Receive “receipt of
purchase” (should one happen to have a printer attached to one’s laptop
computer), verifying information and monies paid.
17.
Pause to reconsider Step
10.
18.
Proceed to be bombarded
at all hours of the day and night by telemarketers who now possess your phone
number in their sweaty, greedy little paws.
19.
Forego joyful Happy Hour
at 5:30pm, as all joy has been sucked out of world with telephone ringing every
twenty-two and a half minutes.
20.
Attempt to regain
tiniest hint of joy, by politely answering each call with “please stop dialing
this number, thank you!”
21.
Repeat Step 20, ONE
MILLION TIMES.
22.
Wistfully grieve over temporary
loss of happier days with simple reptilian gamer’s elbow and random selection
of cruciverbalist gel pens.
23.
Sit Zen-like in
spiritual reverence to meditate on breathing, quietude and acceptance of that
which is beyond one’s control as phone continues to ring. (Om...)
24.
Answer incoming call
which may be recorded for quality-control purposes, and proceed to unleash
reptilian cruciverbalist ASS on recorded computer message, with all due manner
of split infinitives, dangling participles and graphic insults regarding
Village Idiot’s inability to stop fucking calling this number, coupled with
hearty dose of gang-slang which may or may not include disparaging comments
towards computer message’s Mother. (Personal selection of vocabulary and
self-expression may vary.)
25.
Recognize
passive/aggressive behavior as childish, yet wallow in sudden influx of endorphins
which culminate in possibly best “sleep of the dead” all month!
Slowly regaining my sanity as financial
security sets in, telemarketing wanes and jaunty ditty* in pea-brain subsides,
~No longer psycho P
*Hey, look at that!
There’s a “volume” button on the side of the Kindle!!!
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