The Comparison Inadequacy

Still feeling like a leper with metaphorical seeping boils and flesh-eating bacteria as I finished recovering from my bout with the flu, I stood as quietly as possible in line with my orange juice and vodka (medicinal purposes) at a local store.  I was only one person away from the cashier, five minutes to check-out max, and thirty seconds to walk to my car.

But just as I stepped up the register, it happened.  My arm was already inside my purse digging for my wallet, and as polite people do in such situations of societal etiquette, I delicately coughed into the protective crook of my elbow.

And just like that, I was Typhoid Mary.

“She touches the bar on belt between groceries!” a little hunched over lady with a scarf over her head warned the fastidious gentleman shopper behind me who was already bathing himself in hand sanitizer.

Frankly, I couldn’t blame them...  The flu has been a monster this season, and I wouldn’t want me within coughing distance either, Emily Post Etiquette or not.

Wheeling Cecilia (my beloved 1997 Toyota Tercel) home - with no prospects for work until pilot season gets closer - and feeling a bit glum, I parked Cecilia in our designated spot and sighed out loud:  “That’s all I’ve got for today, my friend”.  And as empathetic as an automobile might not necessarily be, Cecilia lit up her “check engine” light like a fist-bump of solidarity.

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Having lost four irretrievable hours of my precious existence on this planet playing a “match three alike or more” App on my Kindle Fire HD wherein I travelled from Rome, to Greece, to Troy etc. on a mindless yet strategic journey (for the fifth time – the first time took me twelve hours!), I was shocked to hear my cell phone ring at 6:30pm.  I’d had maybe two calls in the last three weeks, as apparently the flu might be contagious over the cell phone waves too, and absolutely no one wanted to talk to me.

“Hi Penny, this is Adam from Casting.  I was wondering if you were available to Stand-In tomorrow for sure; and possibly Thursday and Friday?”

“I...I...I... would love to” I squealed, trying ever so hard not to sound desperate.

“Oh, I’m so glad!” he smiled over the phone.  “Let me book you immediately!” he added, gathering my info.  “So, you’ll be going to Warner Bros. Studio...”

(My heart leapt a beat, as I rarely get hired over there!)

“And your call time is 10:00am...” he continued.

(Oh thank God, I had time to color my hair that evening!)

“Park at the Forest Lawn Gate...”

(Plan ahead, plan ahead, they won’t let you in before one hour of your call time!)

“...And you’ll be reporting to Stage 26.”

“Excellent!  And what’s the show that I’m working on?”

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Fretting all night as I’m prone to do with every new adventure, I triple checked my back pack with supplies.  Did I have Kleenex tissues (with lotion)?  Check!  Throat lozenges so I wouldn’t be thrown off the set for coughing?  Check!  Three layers of clothing in case the stage was as cold as a meat locker?  Check!

Successfully passing through the first security gate with proper identification, Cecilia angled into a spot where she could overlook the studio; and with me toddling off to my job (come what may), I passed through the second security check easily.

Eventually winding my way to Stage 26, the monstrous weight of my previous dog and pony cable show hanging around my neck like an albatross, I took a moment to catch my breath before I opened the door to inhale the sweet smell of a highly successful ten year Network series.

Ahhh...

“And you are?” the storm trooper barricaded my entrance.

AHHH!!!

“Um, um, um, I’m Penny” I stuffed all of my IDs into the hand of the Security Guard monitoring the stage. 

“You weren’t here yesterday” he frowned, double-checking my info. 

“No I wasn’t – they just called me in last night.  I don’t even know who I’m standing-in for” I sweated profusely.

“Well then, good to meet you, and welcome!  I’m Anthony” the gentleman tipped his cap as he handed me back my documents.  “Let me escort you to the AD’s office!  Craft Services is here if you’d like to grab some breakfast, and the ADs are just inside that door on your right.”

Checking in with a familiar face and asking if I needed to scamper out of sight into the audience seating, our AD smiled compassionately.  “That’s OK Pen; feel free to hang out down here on stage.  We won’t start rehearsal until ten, but thanks for being early!” 

Oh, it was all so civilized! 

“And you are?” an innocuous looking gentleman wanted to know as I plopped down my backpack - his ear piece visibly spiraling down the back of his shirt to a walkie talkie.

“Um, um, um, I’m Penny” I fretted again, searching for my paperwork and hoping to avoid a latex-gloved cavity search.  “I don’t know who I’m standing-in for, but...”

“Oh right!” he smiled.  “I saw your name on the call sheet.  Welcome to our show!    Here, let me get you a script.  And since you’re a red-head, you might be standing-in for her” he added, pointing to the Cast list, but the ADs will tell you for sure.  I’m the set PA, so let me know if you need anything!”

And pouring through the pages, I was already feeling overwhelmed.  Good heavens!  This character was in eight out of twelve scenes!  And if my Gorgeous Actress from my previous dog and pony cable show was any indication, I’d be working my ass off!

Now if there’s one thing I learned from suffering though the flu, it’s that your body is of absolutely no use whatsoever without nutrients.  I needed breakfast.  I needed apple juice.  And abandoning my script for the moment in lieu of sustenance, I was just about to tong my second dollop of hash browns onto my plate, when a third voice demanded to know just who the heck had permitted my access onto the highly secured stage.

Oh, this was definitely going to be a very long and arduous day...

“Penny?”

“Sweet B!” I screamed, happily hugging the second familiar face on stage.

And given a lay of the land, with private nods as to who was who on the crew as well as a heads up on the part that I was standing-in for – a blonde Guest Star in ONE scene, who literally PIVOTED on her mark, checked her cell phone in her left hand and exited upstage right - I tried to shake the boulders out of my head.

“That’s it?” I asked Sweet B stupidly, unable to comprehend the menial task at hand.

“That’s it!” she laughed.  “We do have to stay for lighting tonight, but after your scene is lit, you’re done.  Now, you just relax...” (Sweet B knew first-hand the pressures of my previous dog and pony cable show, and understood exactly why my head was spinning), “...and enjoy yourself for a change!” she beamed.

Quite frankly, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the concept!

“Hey you, hey you, hey you” our friendly Director arrived on-set, pointing his finger at all of the Second Team, pausing momentarily to study my face.  “Hey...”

“Penny” I helped him out.  “I stood in for Jennifer Lawrence on ‘The Bill Engvall Show’ a few years ago.”

“Has it been that long?” he clutched me in a warm embrace.

OK, seriously, could my day get any better?!  I’d transformed over night from Typhoid Mary, to a gainfully employed, seasoned veteran, trusted to work (if only for a day!) on a highly rated CBS Network show!!!  And I was huggable!!!

By day’s end (and I type with shame that that was maybe 4pm?), I had once again learned invaluable life lessons in my humble career.

I re-discovered the danger of rumors in our business, as one Second Team acquaintance pulled me aside to congratulate me on becoming my previous Gorgeous Actress’ Assistant and thereby doubling my salary.  “Uh, no – she already has three Assistants, and where would I find the time to stand-in for her, cook chicken breasts for lunch and take her aging dog for a push in its baby stroller?”

I was also reminded that no matter how low on the Hollywood rung your job might be, if you respect the work and do your part to the best of your abilities, once in a while, someone slightly higher up just might give you a hand.

And lastly, I remembered how fun and exciting my job is supposed to be!

“You do know that you can probably leave any time now...” Sweet B offered, “as long as you clear it with the DP that he’s done lighting that set, right?”

“Yeah” I sighed, grateful for the best day in the last three weeks.  “But not until I finish chatting with you, and I have a slice of pecan pie from Craft Services!”

Albatross-free,

~Ecstatic P!

p.s. As I’ve treated myself to a trinket at the Warner Bros. store whenever I’m hired to work on their lot, I shuffled off in search of the perfect sparkly doo-dad to celebrate my visit to the Network show.  I was “one and done”, since my actress’ scene wouldn’t be shot until two days later, and their regular Stand-In had successfully conquered the flu and was prepared to work that Friday...

But that couldn’t take away my joy!

In fact, on the way to the Warner Bros. gift shop, I actually ran into three more people that I’ve worked with – most of whom were also filling in for their very own fellow Typhoid Mary!

And yes, that probably should have been enough to exchange more hugs and cap off my glorious day – but I needed solid proof for myself...

Nine bucks; the leisure suit of cheap jewelry as it has a spandex band (and yes it turns my finger green), but I warmly give you my heart with a bow:

 

Rock on, WB, rock on!