The Royal Treatment

Thrilled to receive my call time to return to work on Monday, I hung my head low subserviently I raced with all due excitement to retrieve a pen and paper to copy down my complete loss of autonomy for the loveliest summer vacation whatever-lived pertinent information!!!

Please don’t misunderstand kind readers – I know that I’m ridiculously fortunate beyond belief to have a career in a job that I adore and am honored to be working in television sit-coms!  Not one single day is ever taken for granted!

But I couldn’t quite ignore the pit in my stomach…

Yes, of course I was looking forward to the “Family Reunion” of my fellow Cast and Crew members (not to mention a steady paycheck after all of my STILL unresolved Unemployment crap!); but as far as Hollywood reunions go (which are generally rather flighty, as Crew members tend to wander like nomads from show to show), I correctly suspected that I’d be walking into a déjà vu of Thanksgiving last year.  (Don’t make me re-post that picture of moldy beans!!!)

“Great to see you!” a woman (who still doesn’t know my name) hugged me like she was my long-lost aunt. “Did you have a good summer?  Did you work?  Oh, I was sooo busy!” she sighed before I could answer, as she ladled out a plateful of breakfast.  “I was over at blah, blah, blah, until blah, blah, blah; then three weeks on blah, blah, blah, and I’m just EXHAUSTED!” she sighed, bugging her eyes out for full effect of her work magnitude.

“Well, good for you?!” I smiled, rather unsure as to a proper response.

“And you?” she wondered, finally taking a breath to nibble on her platter.  “What did you do this whole long summer?”

“Absolutely nothing…” I grinned with a shrug.

And not surprisingly, I received a very strange, confused look.

>>><<< 

“We went to Costa Rica for two weeks!” one of my delightful Cast members shared his adventures with me as we gleefully reunited.  “The area that we travelled to is mostly geared towards tourists, so we had so much to do!” he beamed, sharing stories of beautiful exotic locations, riding zip lines, as well as loads of wonderful experiences with his family.  “We were basically busy the whole time!” he smiled.  “And you?” he wondered pleasantly.

“I didn’t do a thing!” I beamed, receiving the same mysterious look from him as from my “long-lost aunt”.  (What?  Did I accidentally grow a tail while I’d been hibernating for the summer?)

>>><<< 

“Oh, I squeezed in filming a couple of movies” another Cast member shared wearily as we lunched together on stage.  “How about you, Pen?  How’d you spend your time off?” he wanted to know.

“Mostly I slept under the air conditioner with the blinds closed and atrophied for four months” I admitted honestly.  And waiting for the reactive silent response of utter bewilderment, I was delighted to see him actually smile at me, a nuance of envy twinkling in his eyes.

“Was it… was it… wonderful…?” he sighed like a teen-aged girl pining over hearing the tale of a girlfriend actually meeting Justin Bieber.

“Exquisite” I swooned, recalling the day that I accidentally napped until 5:30pm.  (Who knew that a bona fide movie star with a wife and two small children could ever possibly be jealous of my most humble life?!!!)

>>><<< 

But all awkwardness and pleasantries aside, I was still a wee bit nervous at my return to the job.  My former ADs had effectively terrorized me that I never leave my Gorgeous Actress’ side, for fear that a Directorial note be given and I wasn’t within earshot.  I’d given up the luxury of bringing my aluminum water bottle to the stage as bathroom breaks were forbidden; and having been disallowed the standard of a call time a half hour early prior to rehearsal to prep my script, I’d become accustomed to having to arrive early to be prepared, as well as accepting the fact that I’d be texted every morning as to how long I would bear the pressures of BEING my Gorgeous Actress, followed by mentally preparing for the mundane idle sitting for no apparent reason for an eight hour day after Network/Producer Run-Thrus until my ADs were faced with paying us one red cent of overtime. 

And all of that, without ever so much as a “Thank You”!!!

So, sidling onto stage my first day (with a designated call time A HALF HOUR PRIOR to rehearsal – Whaaat???), I sat quietly in the audience seating with a couple other people as the Production meeting was about to take place below.  “Since we have some new Crew members, how about we go around the table and everyone can introduce themselves and what they do?” our UPM suggested.  And taking visual notes of my new ADs and who to introduce myself to should we have a moment later in the day, I also took note of our Director (for the first three episodes).

Oh, what if my acting skills had atrophied as rapidly as my muscles and tendons had done over the last four months?   Good heavens, there were two new ADs who didn’t know my work at all, as well as a Director and half of a Crew!  What if I let everyone down?!  What if I couldn’t live up to everyone’s standards?!  What if I completely humiliated myself?!?!

And gnawing worriedly on a piece of bacon, lost in my own thoughts, I heard my name called out by our UPM.  “And that’s Penny, of course!” he pointed me out, as complete strangers turned around and experienced the unbridled joy of watching me struck like a deer in headlights, wiping pig juice off my face.

“Hi!  I’m Penny…” I withered with a tiny cheerful hand wave, completely forgetting my title.

(Awesome!!!  Humiliation:  ACHIEVED!!! )

>>><<< 

But as The Universe tends to cut one some slack after a proper bout of embarrassment, I must say that I was thrilled by the humane treatment from our new ADs this week. 

We took fives! 

We were immediately released from work after Run-Thrus! 

And for the first time EVER, not only were we thanked, but we were individually thanked BY NAME by our ADs!!!

And as if The Universe hadn’t yet dispensed all of its gifts for the week, I (and my fellow Second Teamers) stood in awe on what has traditionally been a tedious day of camera-blocking, wherein we were consistently forced to recreate each scene once with dialogue; then repeat the scene mutely as the Operators racked focus on our every move; followed by at least one more reenactment of each scene with dialogue once again for timing.  (This process has throughout the years, developed the derogatory term of “Second Team Theatre”, which I personally find incredibly insulting.  Sure I’m just a “meat puppet” like every other Actor in this Biz, but need I be debased any further?  You gotta mock me for not making millions of dollars and insinuate that my talents are on a par with struggling Actors who are treading the boards of a theatre for the first time in their life?  Well, let’s grab Darla and Spanky and put on a show in the barn!!!)

*Ahem*

My apologies for hopping on my high horse there and referencing the old comedy “The Little Rascals”, but in my defense, I haven’t ridden in a while!

As I stated earlier, I and my fellow Second Teamers stood (literally!) in awe, as our fearless Director ran each scene precisely ONCE, without so much as a need to coordinate cameras with spoken dialogue.  (Heck, a trained monkey could’ve done my usually demanding job if you put a banana on the floor!) 

And by all accounts, my world should have completely made sense.

So what was with the remaining pit in my stomach?

Could it have been our visiting Guest Star, an iconic dramatic television Actress from the British Empire who arrived early to set in full make-up and a floppy sun-hat who threw me off my game?  (I accidentally caught her eye, and made the horrific Ethel Mertz mistake of saying “Good Morning!” – to which she summarily sized me up and down and replied with a guttural-sounding dismissive closed-mouth grunt -- “m”.)

Was it the fact that my world seemed too good to be true, to be treated like an actual human being by our ADs?  (I was at Craft Services at one point, eyeing a brownie, and actually hesitated anxiously that dare I pick it up, the curse of the previous Gate Keeper would scream my name to report back onto set!!!)

No, in truth, I realized, that as derogatory as “Second Team Theatre” may be, I needed to prove myself to the new Director (who thus far had only made eye contact with me once the entire week), as well as establish some love with the new Crew members.

So with the advanced notice that our Second Team would be revisiting the Cold Open with cameras (again, seriously, THANK YOU for the heads up!!!), we moved en masse professionally to take our places.  “We need this with dialogue, so let’s have some Second Team Theatre!” our AD announced cheerfully.

And for the first time on this show, after 24 episodes, I felt honored to perform!

Standing patiently on my “mark” (we don’t generally use tape on the floor), I waited (eagerly!) for The Voice to call us to Action.  And reminding us to wait for laughs, I and my fellow Second Teamers prepped for our first performance in front of our new Director.

“Action”.

And turning to deliver my first line with an all due proper Flushing, Queens, New York accent, I think I heard some laughter!!!

OK, OK, YES, I accidentally stomped all over my female co-worker’s comedic bit which earned me a small reprimand from the Director (MY FAULT!); but at least he laughed it off with the comment “Oh, lunch is gonna be awkward between you two!”

But it wasn’t until 2:30pm on Friday, that I came to truly appreciate “The Royal Treatment”.  Thanking us individually (yet again!) for a wonderful week, our first AD wished us all a happy weekend.

FREEDOM???  (And a chorus of Angels sang!!!)

>>><<< 

Personally, I sincerely think we’re off to a wonderful start for the season.

Sure, there’s gonna be the occasional glitch here and there, and yeah, our show is NOTORIOUS for on-the-spot re-writes, but I have faith.

And opening my email tonight to read the script for tomorrow, I nearly toppled off the bed in excitement to read that I’ll be spending the week with two more Hollywood icons – an Actress who had a “bunch”, and an Actor who had a “hart”!

Looking forward to eleven more episodes with my Knights in shining armor,

~Princess P