Unloading my nifty new skull and crossbones backpack on top of the coffin in my living room after work, I plopped down on my black leather couch and wondered just how the heck the rest of the world had turned so topsy-turvy weird.
“They all LOVE the ‘Here Kitty Kitty lounge pants’” I sighed to my friend Laer miserably, filling him in on the morbid details of the flood of supportive emails I’ve received regarding my last blog post and drunken choice of the now-renowned, most beloved iconic ostentatious cat-themed pajama bottoms in Hollywood.
As usual, Laer listened quietly.
“On one hand, I think it’s wicked cool that the post got hits from Belarus, China, Germany, Indonesia, the United Kingdom, Finland and even Iran!” I perked up (hoping at least one person on the planet got a chuckle for the day); “But on the other hand” I withered, “my earnest, provocative, well-meaning Public Service Announcement against SUI (Shopping Under the Influence) was apparently all for naught” I sighed. “I was even kind of relieved that our guest stand-in Christi hadn’t yet read the post, but before I could begin to describe the visual monstrosity, the youngest of my department – tech-savvy Brian – had already pulled up the photo on his smart phone. And what do you think Christi said, Laer?” I asked petulantly.
Knowing better than to interrupt me when I’m prancing around atop one of my metaphorical High Horses (a squatty yet defiant territorial little pony named “Napoleon”), Laer said nothing.
“She thought they were cute! Can you believe it?” I fretted. “Even my on-set dresser (who dresses sets, not people) told me she could totally see me wearing the pants and enjoying a cigarette in the rain under my matching pink Betty Boop umbrella!”
(Granted (in my on-set dresser’s defense), I didn’t mind the visual so much, but in my defense, I was seriously hoping to stave off that particular phase of life until well into my 70’s…)
But I digress!
“I may have to write another post” I tapped my chin thoughtfully, determined to rectify the aberration that had become of my last blog entry. And with a rebellious “click click” to both Napoleon and my computer, we settled in to tackle the sequel post that could ultimately save hundreds of dollars for future SUI victims.
(Frankly I wasn’t surprised that Laer didn’t jump up and bolt to my side. For one; he’s never been a big fan of Hollywood sequels and two; as my best collaborative writing partner, he’d never offered input until I’ve completed the first draft, and three; had the small cup of his cremains that I keep in the treasure chest on my end table managed to reassemble themselves into a fourth of the living breathing entity that I once knew as my friend, well, let’s just say that four quarters of this Penny would likely be resting in utter terror nearby his niche at the Hollywood Forever Mausoleum.)
Hmm… But where to start?
Surveying the aggregate collection of items purchased in my previously inebriated state the week before, I was certain that aside from the “Here Kitty Kitty” neon pink abominable loungers, at least ONE other item would assist me in the prevention of fellow on-line shopping gamblers wasting away their paychecks. And with Napoleon by my side, our tyranny would surely prevail!
Acquisition Object #1: Nifty Skull and Crossbones Backpack:
Made in China! With some chemicals that are known to the state of California to cause cancer! (Which would all be terribly nefarious were I not smoking a cigarette whilst reading the label…)
Acquisition Object #2: Red Isotoner Convertible Women’s Glove/Mittens:
They…, um…, they… are actually perfect, and having paid only $16.00 (including shipping!) for the suggested retail price of $32.00 were quite the bargain…
Acquisition Object #3 (a late arrival): Four pair of “Gold Toe” Argyle socks:
Searching my pea-brain for something to deter future SUI victims, again I had absolutely nothing by way of helping anyone… The quality of products received was beyond expectation and sporting my first pair of beige-grey footwear to work I was painfully humbled by compliments…
“I’m beginning to doubt the validity of my ability to prevent people from randomly shopping on-line” I worried to Napoleon, taking a final photo of my last acquisition.
But as The Universe is not one to let me down, I studied the photo closely:
Zooming in for a closer look, I couldn’t help but focus on the odd little puff ball which seemed to be staring right back at me…
Whistling for Napoleon, we clomped into the bedroom to log onto the website that had sent the package (via Amazon.com) to research just what the terribly soft fluffy accoutrement was all about. And there, midway through the product description that I hadn’t bothered to read in my previous moderately intoxicated shopping frenzy, laid the dreadfulness, the shock and the repulsion that sent me scrambling to my checkbook to mail an immediate donation to the local ASPCA:
- Hat glove scarf set created from fleece for extra warmth
- Soft faux fur trim featuring a stylish heart print accents all three pieces of this set
- Free Bonus - Genuine Rabbit Fur Accent Pin included to wear on scarf or hat
- Lining inside hat and faux fur trim are both created from soft 100% acrylic material
- One size fits most. Available colors: Black and Brown
Sending Napoleon off to the stables and oblivious to the irony of slumping down on my leather couch next to my deceased friend/muse Laer, I struggled with my blameworthy conscience over the poor, helpless, forsaken lil bunny rabbit…
And sober as a judge, that’s when I swear I heard Laer whisper the following solemn words from inside his treasure chest:
“Guilt??? Now THAT’s how you write a Public Service Announcement! My Catholic Grandma would be so proud!”
Placing my last bet that at least something will make you laugh today,
~P
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