“Great news!” the email from my
CPA’s assistant informed me. “We’re
going green and paperless this tax season!
Click here to download and print your necessary forms at www.blah, blah,
blah”.
Hmmm...
“Register online to receive your W-2
forms from this payroll company!” another email reveled joyously; who too, had
apparently jumped upon the save-a-tree bandwagon. “Click here!” I was prompted to access the
website and divulge all of my personal data including my social security number
to be transmitted to God knows where (a “cloud”?), so as to minimize paperwork.
(Yeah, NO.)
But by the third letter in my email
inbox regarding the extraordinary importance of all things digital from yet another
source (of EIGHT previous employers!) who blissfully track my Residual checks
for payment of re-run television episodes, and who were equally lauding the vital
preservation of paper (versus the
protection of my private information?), I was prompted yet again to “click
here!”; visit a website, set up a user name and create a password.
Again: yeah, NO!
As I’m currently the possessor of a
list of nearly fifty disparate (unrelated) websites with passwords (that aren’t even actually WORDS); handfuls
of security question answers in case I have a “senior moment” (seriously, I had to think for a second to
even recall what I ate for breakfast yesterday); not to mention a gazillion
different user names (none of which I can
remember without a cheat sheet), I chose to “click THERE” and simply turn
off the computer.
Granted, this Luddite (me) started this
blog in a quiet effort of trying to make sense of the world as it pertains to
my moderately eccentric, occasionally neurotic and rather unusual life in the “glamorous”
world of Tinsel Town; but frankly I don’t ever recall clicking a hearty
universal “OK!” as to the approval of scattering my personal information
regarding every single penny (if you
will) that I’ve ever earned, all willy-nilly into megabytes across the
stratosphere of the internet for any bored hacker to access after he or she has
lost at a multi-media role-playing game and would like to tap into my finances
to digitally purchase ogre-repellant armor for their fierce warrior ostrich avatar.
Yet facing the rather undeniable and
formidable future of the ridiculous technological crappy hoops that we are all
apparently destined to jump through , I chose to take a step back and looked
scholastically to the past for guidance.
“Our new Constitution is now established, and has
an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said
to be certain, except death and taxes.”
~Benjamin Franklin (1789).
Granted our ‘new Constitution’ in
the USA of “Reality TV” and “Non-Fiction” programming has most certainly taken
over the air-waves (an unfortunate amendment
to my personal delicate dietary constitution
of ingesting quality writing/acting/directing); additionally I’ll likely have to continue to
slam on the brakes of my car (even though
I drive like a slow-poke granny) as throngs of ear-budded pedestrians mosey
like utterly oblivious cud-chewing cattle whilst jay-walking/texting with no
regard to their personal safety; and yes, worst of all for a Luddite like
myself, at some point in the future, I suspect that I too, will have no choice
but to be Borg-like assimilated as a cybernetic organism into the Collective,
as apparently “resistance is futile”. (Hey, my aversion to current technology has
absolutely nothing to do with my love of watching old repeats of “Star Trek: The Next Generation”!)
But by golly, as an eternal
optimist, I still felt that there existed a few Luddite battles well worth
fighting for!
>>><<<
Conceding to a potential “middle
ground” of the Luddite versus the Megabyte, I surrounded myself with all due necessary
paper documents as to my legal claim regarding my rights as a temporarily laid
off Actor with the Unemployment Department.
“If all of the other out of work
people in California can figure this out, I can do this too!” I rallied my
spirit as I attempted to complete the online EDD form from my home laptop.
I’d logged in successfully!
I’d found my World Wide Web Official
history of existence and employment!
I was sooo on my way to
completing said form!
Only TEN more pages to go (after half an hour) of confirming the
initial questionnaire that I’m indeed
a US Citizen; no, I’m not involved in
Military Service; no, I’m not a
primary share holder in a major corporation; nor I am not currently attending
school, nor am I an ‘illegal alien’ (I’m
not yet a cybernetic Borg!), when suddenly I found myself abruptly stymied
by Page Five regarding my income...
Hmmm...
Yes, I got paid by Sony
Pictures. Yes, I received multiple checks
from NBC Universal. But where was the
little computer online box to record that I haven’t physically worked on those shows for eight (or twenty) years or even visited those Studios? And where, oh where might I find a teeny
tiny two-space block wherein to reply that yes, I received income from a previous
on-camera performance on a cable show, wherein I was ostentatiously compensated
for the whopping amount of seven cents? (Yes, that would be BEFORE taxes, of
course. The US Government took three
cents. No joke!)
Quite frankly, I was loathing this
whole Internet ‘meshugas’ once again.
And so yet, with another defiant
“click THERE”, I shut down the computer and unplugged every cable.
Perhaps there are
some battles that you just can’t win...
But by golly, this Pen would still
attempt to be mightier than the sword of the Megabyte, darnit!
So in true dramatic Hollywood fashion,
I went Postal!
>>><<<
Wandering about my CPA’s website the
next day, I finally found a “Contact us! Click here!” link (FFS); and promptly alerted the assistant via email that I’m still
a stead-fast Luddite; sans scanner, sans printer; and if they wished to
continue my yearly business since 1991, they would most necessarily
appropriately print out my designated paperwork and kindly forward said proper documents
through snail-mail.
Additionally (not particularly sure when I grew a set of menopausal metaphorical testicular
balls), I brazenly attempted to tackle the Unemployment Office via landline
all the way to Sacramento, CA to open a new claim with the EDD; as despite my
Bachelor’s Degree from an accredited University, I’m still apparently too phenomenally
digitally-stupid to accomplish the task on my own.
“Do you have any disabilities?” I totally lucked out with the world’s most
patient Government employee “Sarah”, who gently guided me through the process
for the next forty-five minutes over my landline telephone.
(Do I have any disabilities?
Umm... Would that include technological challenges? Am I ‘disabled’ when my tablet suddenly
refuses to send an email, yet promises that all information is either stored in
an inaccessible outbox or on a “cloud”?
Or am I ‘disabled’ when my laptop opts to take a nap, and spins an
endless visual wheel cog whilst I sit for twenty minutes?)
“I wear prescription glasses and occasionally
contact lenses”, I thought it best to confirm to Sarah, lest the Government
fine me an additional three cents.
>>><<<
With my (ever-so-reluctant) appointment rescheduled (four times over) as to the appropriation regarding the technological
up-grade of my landline and laptop to fiber optics by a complete stranger re-wiring my bat-cave, I steadfastly ponied up the street for a chocolate shake (with whipped cream!) and brought home a
Swiss cheeseburger with french fries to properly sturdy myself as to the
oncoming futile resistance...
After all, I wholeheartedly deserved
a reward as I’d accomplished a preliminary extraordinary week of tidying,
dusting, vacuuming - as well as Dirt Deviling obscure areas - and by all
accounts, I’d achieved the perfectly designed, properly desired, Hollywood façade
of successfully disguising my (in this case, “house-keeping”) less than-ideal
flaws.
And thus, sans the red carpet, sans
the paparazzi, I welcomed (fifteen
minutes of fame early!) my very own Oscar into my Tinsel Town abode. (OK,
seriously? What are the infinitesimal
odds that for the second consecutive year during the week of the Academy
Awards, The Universe presents me with an “Oscar” in a supporting role of
upgrading my home? Pinch my cheek, and
call me Meryl Streep!)
Spelunking with his bald (just like
the golden statuette!) bright head-light above his full beard (not at ALL like
the golden statuette, but very rock-n-roll Hollywood) as he explored every
cavernous nook and cranny of the clusters of my inner-sanctum dust-bunny walls and
closets in search of phone jacks, I sat rather anxiously on my pristinely
covered bed as my award-winning Oscar casually tossed half of his cable
equipment from the bowels of his service truck onto my comforter. (My
retinas are still burning from the visual assault upon my beloved Sanctuary...)
“Do you mind if I move your
dresser?” Oscar asked politely as he propped open a drawer and hefted my heavily-laden
firmly-implanted 1988 “Brobdingnagian” behemoth of a bureau away from the
wall. (Uck! I didn’t even want to
THINK about what he might find lurking behind that particular curtain of Oz!)
But two hours and forty-five minutes
later, having escaped the possibility of drilling a hole through the wall
behind one of my regal bedside lion sculptures poised upon its Corinthian
column, and with only a staple gun to secure my fiber-optic cable running from
an outlet in my hallway up and over the door, right through some seriously fierce
dust-bunny congregations (Hello? Who looks up there? Had I known, I would have Swiffered!);
Oscar firmly affixed and relocated my land-line to a better and more secure
location closer to my new (second) “wireless” computer modem.
>>><<<
Frankly, this Penny is rather uncomfortable
with “change” (pun intended), but I’m
truly (slowly) attempting to adapt to the new Constitution of Technology.Don’t get me wrong kind readers; I’m certainly not racing out to purchase a smart phone any time soon as I’m still ridiculously befuddled by the world of data plans, megabytes, fiber optics and what-not; nor am I in any rush to leap into the baffling world of social media. (God love you all, but to each, his own!)
And granted, it totally sucked that
whilst loyally Luddite-ishly tearing out a crossword from a perforated Simon
and Schuster book of 300 challenging puzzles, I suffered a wee paper-cut on my
pinkie... (TRAITOR!)
But at least I managed to complete
all of my snail-mail tax forms, joyfully drive to the US Post Office, and with
Certified Mail ensuring my vitally secure signed-for delivery; my eventual
refunds shall be successfully processed and electronically deposited into my
checking account sans any further “Click Here!” promptings.
And as to Oscar?
Well, I’d like to thank the Academy
of fiber optics, as I just discovered that for the first time since 1988, I
have “call waiting” on my landline! (I
don’t yet know how to properly use this feature, but perhaps eventually I can
assimilate?)
Forever bordering tentatively on the
collective Borg,
~One Penny of the Millions
P.S.
Logging on this morning, I was joyously surprised and happily overwhelmed
to discover that a similar post to this one (that I published two years ago in January titled “OOOGH!”), had
received over a hundred hits in just one day last week from somewhere in Europe. Thank you, my fellow Luddites! We shall neither be ashamed nor admonished
for feeling digitally-challenged!
